I remember when I found out I couldn’t have children… as all my friends were starting families…Holding precious little bundles… I remember being so sad… Because all I wanted was to be a mother… and crying each year … I remember when I became a mother (OH! There is another post there… And to think I had nothing left to write about when I started this)… Because they were wrong… and I had a little blue perfect bundle of my own… And I really came to understand what love was… and what life was about.. and who I really was… And he stared at me with adoring eyes that lit up whenever I entered the room… and when he told me he wanted to marry me when he grew up (he was two) and when he started to call me Yaya (Not momma, not my child apparently)… it turned to mommy… he laughed with me… he played with me.. he stuck lipstick up my nose and in my ears when I dozed off… Mothers Day! I loved it…
Then I became a Mother again … To a teenager… a broken little girl… who I had the honor of witnessing her mending… and thanked my lucky stars everyday for having been blessed with her … I couldn’t imagine life without her… And I accepted it, and I let it happen… and I was spoiled on Mother’s day each year… With mothers rings… and candles and incents… bubble baths… bathrobes…
Then there was the Mothers day… Towards the End with the father… He tried.. In his drunken, prescription pill induced haze to recreate any kind of goodness… He bought my favorite movie (I had pleaded for it.. and the time to watch it)… but when that time came… I couldn’t let him take the children… I couldn’t trust him with them… Not to drive… He grabbed them both… as I screamed in terror and fury after him… not to take them (They were so confused… they didn’t understand what was happening… only that I had lost my mind at this point… They didn’t know there was anything wrong with him… this was how they knew him… I had tried to protect them from knowing the truth… and now they didn’t understand)…. 16 and 6 years old… and he took them, I… in a heap of tears… and disappeared for two hours… I never watched the movie… I stayed on the floor… by the door until he brought them back… and I made him leave. That was the end… I know that now… It dragged on so much longer, but I knew at that point… He had taken my children
… And Mothers Day became something new…Mothers day became a day to celebrate children.. And the miracle of them… and my right… My RIGHT… to keep them safe, and be loved, and not about candles, rings, bubble baths… time alone… It became my day to remember how grateful I am for my children… And all children… and how magical they are… Suddenly Mothers day contained no pity… no anger… no self justified righteousness about being appreciated… and spoiled…. It became about the miracle of life…
I have had three momentous mothers’ days since that turning point…. … Mother’s day is the day I had my little sister’s children three years ago… because she wasn’t alive enough to be their mother that day… I was so grateful for the lesson that brought me… that I wasn’t the drunk sister, and I wasn’t the sister lying in a bed on life support… I was surrounded by all these small faces and fed all these mouths a breakfast I prepared! Not laid in bed and was served… and was so grateful….
Two mother’s day ago… My favorite gift ever from my Son (the one miracle I actually gave birth too)… He was so sad… Because his father was so cruel… he didn’t help him.. he had nothing to give… and I woke up to a small hand written note… with all the pennies he could find in his several hiding places (it was about a dollar and a half)… The note read… “Mommy, I love you… me love you long time (ha ha! He had heard this phrase)… Happy Mother’s Day”…. And all the change was wrapped up in it (This note still hangs on my fridge… I giggle each time I see it)… ;And I cried and cried, and hugged him and hugged him… and this was the year his sister decided to have three dates on Mother’s day rather than see me or call… I got a text… And it hurt at the time, but honestly, I must have done something right with her.. she was off and living her own life, independently…. Don’t worry… This is followed by my next favorite gift… Which I received last year (She was so terrified of missing it… I might have tortured her for her thoughtlessness) and the promise of a visit… on the right day…. (I’m not holding my breath)… and the favorite part of this gift was she was on her two feet, after the year she has had… and facing her own first mother’s day… even though she has buried her angel… and she thought of me… Just me…

I have several children who wish me Happy Mother’s Day besides my two (including my newest little addition courtesy of Mr. amazing I Now have Tall child, small child… and smallest child)… and I have several mothers I call besides my own and including my own!… and in the divorce decree… I get my son… And he will never again push me down, and take my babies… and I will hold and hug anyone elses babies who were blessed with the ability to birth them… but too lost to take care of them.. who need me too…. Mother’s Day… its really children’s day.
I don’t know who is reading this… I don’t know who continues to read my ramblings and rants… These can’t mean something to anyone but me… But I write them, because I Live Them… and it means something to me…

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