Articles

Feb 15 2013

How to make major decisions as a couple… Really.

Author: Kerry

Mr Amazing: This looks cool

Mr Amazing: It has a super nes emulator & tons of games to download for free

me: Okay okay… Why would Nintendo let that happen?

Mr Amazing: : who is buying NES64 games? Plus minecraft is available

me: I want it! buy me it!

Mr Amazing: : lol

me: Not funny anymore!

Mr Amazing: I no longer want it

me: LOL! I WANT IT!

Mr Amazing: smiffbib

me: Bratface!

Mr Amazing: it has a SNES and NES64 emulator

me: I want it all Every Effing Mario Game since the dawn of time!

Mr Amazing: Plus you download ANY game & try it for free even the $50 games

me: Want want want NEED

Mr Amazing: Oh Kerry

… Donkey Kong 64

… Paper Mario (the original)

… Mario Party

… Diddy Kong Racing

me: PAPER MARIO I JUST DIED AT MY DESK… Coffee saved me

Mr Amazing: Super Mario 64

me: Buy Buy Buy

Mr Amazing: It is being released June 2013

me: We could give it to the smalls for their birthday!

Mr Amazing: lol here kids

me: and then steal their birthday present and play it

Mr Amazing: now get the FUCK out of my way

me: ROTFLMAO!

Mr Amazing: seems disingenuous somehow

me: It wants me to buy it

Mr Amazing: I want to spend $1200 on a security appliance for home

me: A security appliance?

Mr Amazing: Yes, with IDS, content filtering, and anti-virus and anti-phishing built in

me: doesn’t sound like a lot of fun

Mr Amazing: It would make it so we could control where are kids go online and verify they never download crap they aren’t supposed to

me: <yawn>

Mr Amazing:

me: paper Mario

Mr Amazing: and it would make our wireless signal awesome

me: paper Mario… paper Mario… PAPER MARIO YAY

Feb 11 2013

Valentines Day? Smiffbib!

Author: Kerry

The holiday of love when sweethearts celebrate with crimson roses, chocolate hearts, cuddly stuffed animals and candlelit dinners for two…Nauseating… isn’t it? Though many couples and singles do something special to mark the occasion… almost as many on both sides of the relationship aisle confess to loathing the sugary day of romance and the stress… depression… guilt and disappointment that bubble to the surface when it arrives…maddeningly…year after year.

I think the holiday is total crap

I think I always hated it… even when I was a teenager… and had a boyfriend… I always felt that it was really hokey… I’m not a teddy bears and roses stuffed inside of a ginormous heart balloon kind of person.

It’s damned if you do and damned if you don’t

Frank Sinatra got it wrong when he sang about “My Funny Valentine.” … there’s nothing remotely funny about valentines or a day honoring them.

The resentment definitely makes me want to not just ignore the holiday but do something as a protest … a statement against dinner for two and cheesy professions of love… Luckily I married Mr. Amazing… Who I think is secretly relieved that he doesn’t have the pressure… but finds other ways to let me know I am the one…. he will still will lose his train of thought… and stop mid sentence if he happens upon me getting ready not properly attired yet… I will take that as my romantic gesture… it means more than any bear in a balloon ever will.

Feb 05 2013

Small Child

Author: Kerry

I claim several as mine … But I’ve had the opportunity to name only one…

Small Child’s Father and I decided the second we found out …

Girl = My Choice

Boy=His (Mostly due to a family tradition of naming after the grandfather)

Ultra-Sound technician let us know at about 17 weeks that we were having a girl … I was a high – risk pregnancy … I was having non stress tests and Ultra – sounds weekly… Week 18 … Yep! a girl… I bought fairy wall stickers… I named her after a Russian Princess… I had the nickname all picked out… I was buying clothes like a mad woman… Cute pink clothes… Week 19…. Week 20… I couldn’t make this up you guys… honestly… “See this pearl strand is his spine… ” The cursor moving over the screen… “You mean her”… “No… you are having a boy” …. “NO… they said a girl”… cursor moves over the appropriate area “That is either the biggest Clitoris I have ever seen… or you are having a boy”…. I stared at the monitor… That was definitely a boy….

(Have I told this story before? I can not remember, and I am not going through 200 posts to see… That’s right… I hit the milestone of 200 posts… and 1 year… Woot… okay on with the story)

Tearfully returned all the pink… and the fairy… threw away the custom stitch diaper bag with the MOST BEAUTIFUL NAME in the whole wide world on it… replaced it all with tigger and pooh bear…

In the hospital .. about to deliver … Small Child’s father begins to panic… “I don’t know anyone named Keith that has ever amounted to anything” …. “You fathers name is Keith!” … “I want more for him” … and he went to every office in that facility and took a tally… the most common name for a Doctor at that time… in that place… it was a good name… and when he arrived it fit him perfectly… we signed it on his birth certificate … and I have threatened the life of anyone that tries to shorten it… those doctors plaques did not read John.

My miracle son…

Inspired by this weeks writing prompts- Share how you came up with your kids names!

Feb 01 2013

… This is a post in self defense!

Author: Kerry

So for a few days now I have been trying to come up with something really amazing to post… My 200th post is SO CLOSE and well… did you hear me? 200 POSTS! (almost)

I tried to remember what life was like before smiffbib… and I really couldn’t … Much like when a child enters your life… I suppose in all reality… it is my BABY!

I think back to my time blogging on Smiffbib…. It’s been almost a year of reflecting… opining… and sharing many cups of coffee with you… my dear readers… Whoever the hell you are… while we’ve chatted about life and everything in between.

And over that time… I feel like a part of my life has actually changed directly as a result of this blogging experience….

Laughing at myself isn’t something I’ve had too much trouble doing over the years … Things that were once kept in the dark recesses of my rapidly fading memory are now on full public display for all to enjoy at my expense… and the pressure of this magical post quickly began to weigh on me… stress me out… how could I ever put it into words how much this all means to me… when it is all complete nonsense? I actually shed a tear trying to find a way to express everything it is to me… everything it means… words aren’t enough…

So I decided to call it off… 200 is no big deal…. HAPPY 199 BABY!

I get some sort of gift for this don’t I???

Sep 17 2012

… I wouldn’t even bother reading this one…

Author: Kerry

September… ugh… like a punch in the mammary glands…. seriously… As if my birthday wasn’t enough… does anyone really like getting a year older once you are past the major mile stones… Voting… Buying liquor…. having children…. your children having children…. I have surpassed all of these… I’m not even forty …

… as if I wasn’t the type of person that struggled with anniversary’s naturally… I am… I think that most people who have been through trauma of sorts or loss of loved ones are date conscious… I seem to take it to a whole new level… I have written this several times… I’m pretty sure we are all tired of my personal drama… fucking hell… I know I am…

Let’s discuss the other anniversary’s that fall on the same time frame…. Suicide awareness week… First week of September… I’m glad it exists… I am … people need to be educated on it… I hate the shit though…. For anyone that has lost friends… those warning lists are like a check list of everything you fucked up and didn’t catch… as you yourself are just wishing for the earth to open up and swallow you whole … and are hoping no one is seeing the signs…

… 9/11 … Wow… I know we need to remember… never forget… don’t worry… I never forget anything…

Something magical happened on the first day of september though… many close to me have given up on the common practice of pointing out the many good things in my life (which are abundant… and wonderful) because they have caught on that I just use them as another means to mentally punish myself… for being alive and having them… Disturbing… Im aware… A few years ago a friend (I have the most amazing friends in the whole wide world… btw) suggested just getting through it… Not trying to do anything more than survive… and she printed off a calendar… and pinned a sharpie next to it… and everyday we Xed a day off… and we laughed about some of them… and we cried about some of them… and there really aren’t that many days in September…

… This year she is across the ocean in the city of love… getting married in paris … My phone buzzed the text “Day 1, Thinking of you” … The next day pictures of the eiffle tower … “Day 2, How are you holding up?” …. Pictures of her in her gown… pictures of the french country side…. every single day…. she is counting with me… I don’t even want to know what it is costing her to text me from Paris….

Mr. Amazing has been amazing… as if he could be anything else… I love him so much ….. Small child has blood work out… that I am waiting for the results… He has some big life changing challenges directly ahead of him… Smallest child’s safety and security is always a source of anxiety when she isn’t under our roof… Tiniest child made an appearance for a couple of days this weekend and honestly steals my heart every time I see him…

… I have found other comforts… Sippy cup corner has happened several times…. I can now drink wine out of a buzz light year cup… with the bendy straw placed in such a way that it looks like his penis… to infinity and beyond baby…. Wine just tastes better that way… best gift ever…. We are raising our families together… and kicking ass at it.

… Pajama Birthday Coffee (okay it was mountain dew) with eyes swollen shut … teeth furry… hair untamed… without even worrying about it being embarrassing… These are the kinds of friends I have….

Halfway there.

And that is everything in my head this morning…

Aug 21 2012

… Like a vomiting of words into the keyboard and onto your screen….

Author: Kerry

Ive missed some writing prompts the last few weeks again… And I think you missed me… I cant say that I blame you really… I will make it up to you… I will write about them all… I will get past this writers block… and join the land of the bloggers yet again….

Or will I …. Perhaps instead some insight into the dilemma….

1.) What do your kids have that you always wanted when you were a kid? Other than this one… Im not going to answer this one…

2.) You were supposed to start a garden this summer…share the fruits of your labor. OH MY GAWD ::: Looks outside at her planter boxes that had planted seeds of Catnip, Chamomile, mint, and some smattering of wild flowers :::: Im not answering this one either

3.) Aside from your kids, pets, your husband, your coffee and your wine…what makes you smile? Are you watching me? How do you know about my love affair with coffee and wine… Obviously you already know way too much about me… I can’t answer this one either

4.) Write about something that complicates your life. I feel like these prompts are personal questions! Like you know what is going on in my head… Because it is complicated right now… I struggle to find ways to spend time with my thirteen year old boy… and feel close… I love him so much … and he is so… well… look for yourself…. this is what he is doing as I type.. I cant possibly write about that!

5.) Share your writing process. How long does it take an idea in your head to get published on your blog? Upon seeing this prompt I only came up with one image… I am sorry … But its true… and I am incapable of putting it into words

Jul 17 2012

… Can it really have been thirteen years…

Author: Kerry

Dear Small Child,

Thirteen Years ago… I was terrified that I didn’t have the ability to be enough … To be the mommy you deserved.

I was so very wrong… In your first minutes of life you taught me what love meant… and how a heart is built… You see before you came on the scene I was just kind of drifting through life plans… through life in general…. You are my glue… You grounded me.

Everyone who met you shared love for you, Even your Dad was nervous that we wouldn’t quite be enough… but we loved you with our whole hearts from the moment you first appeared…. You taught a lot of people about love…. You were powerful in your first few minutes.

Today you are thirteen… you are powerful still… You’re my baby and there will be no more babies from this womb after you.

I love your brain…. I love when you take complex situations and narrow them down to their essence… I love being able to share this life with you and have you understand it with minimal explanation… I love watching you solve problems… I’ve never told you that you’re smarter than other people…. I think you probably know that… But you will never be arrogant.

One of your best assets is your laughter… it is contagious. When you laugh I feel like I might burst, it’s like the sun shines ten times hotter and the pure happiness is bouncing off of us all. I can’t imagine any joy greater than being your mom.

Every time you say “please”, “thank you” and “bless you” my heart soars…. The world will treat you kindly when you have good manners…. I know it’s not easy holding doors open, but you’re a boy, and soon you’ll be a man and it’s important to me that you are a gentleman.

Sometimes you ask me questions I can’t answer and we find the answers together… Your curiosity coupled with your empathy is what will change the world. I hope You always remember… that it’s more important to be good than it is to be best… when your schoolwork is a struggle.

By this age you have learned that a heart is built to grow…. that life is full of surprises… that things not going as planned doesn’t make the plan obsolete… You have taught me that… and I am thankful…

Happy Birthday Angel Boy

Love,
Mom

Jun 26 2012

Alright stop …collaborate & listen…..

Author: Kerry

This time last year I was blogging about my stomach doing somersaults of fear… dread rising in the back of my throat…. agitated…. unable to sleep….small child going to his summer visitation…

When he is gone… I cling to my phone… he texts me frequently out of boredom…. he is getting older… and therefore less willing to admit he wants his mom… but he gets weepy with my calls at night to wish him sweet dreams after only a day or two… We begin counting the days til he is back home…

Home.. That is what is different from this time last year… My blog home is not the only place that changed… we moved into a house… and I moved my thoughts here…

I married Mr. Amazing followed by Smallest Child, Small Child, Mr. Amazing and I residing together… along with the dog… the cat… the two frozen dead fish…

Tiniest Child arrived safe and sound to Tall Child …

Small Child has had some personal changes as well… His voice cracked at voice lessons this week… and he giggled about it… Zits are erupting on his cute little button nose…. Hair… in places it wasn’t before…

He leaves for visitation in 35 hours …I’m terrified every moment he is gone… there are so many issues … alcohol consumption… pornography… a hand gun… no gun safe…. supervision…. nutrition… cleanliness… that he will have to combat with his dad…

he loves his dad… but he is scared of him as well… but this being the fourth summer visitation… it is so far the shortest time his dad has requested…. ten days…. and then another week sometime in august….

I noticed him hugging a little longer a few days ago… as well as building a few extra walls around himself….

I noticed myself doing the same thing…

Our family has completely changed… again… since this time last year… I look to the next year…

Brought to you by… Lack of sleep… panic attacks… and Mama Kats Prompt….

May 31 2012

I couldn’t come up with any other legitimate reason to use the word “clit” in my blog… But this week… It happened…

Author: Kerry

If you’ve been reading this for a while, you know that I make a half assed attempt to write one of Mama Kat’s writing prompts from her writers workshop each week… well… because she is amazing… and two… I love the opportunities to work these stories into my blog, and just when I couldn’t come up with any other legitimate reason to use the word “clit” in my blog… this week… It happened… she gave me that reason… And I couldn’t pass it up… But there was another prompt that also made me smile when I read it… So I am writing both…

1.) Is your child a morning person? Share a story, picture or list of reasons that supports your opinion.
2.) I almost named my child _______, but chose _______ instead because…

It’s a BOGO… Buy One Get One…. even though you didn’t really buy anything at all… and chances are you are going to find these stories less hilarious and endearing than I do… well because he is Mine… and I love him

I Almost named my child “Tattianna Dawn”, But chose Johnathon instead because… About my fourth ultra sound at 21 weeks (I was a very High Risk Pregnancy, having miscarried several before, and being told I would never have a child) the Ultrasound technician said… “and this little line of pearls are his spine”… “hers” I corrected… they had told me two times with two previous ultra sounds that it was a girl… I had bought the fairy wall paper trim… and had the diaper bag embroidered with her name… and put up the wall stickers… and bought the crib bedding .. and bumpers… and “No, His” she corrected me… “They said it was a girl” I repeated calmly… monotone…. menacingly… “Well…” Zooms in on vital organ… “That is either the biggest clit I have ever seen… or you are having a boy” and I stared in awe at the monitor… and exchanged everything tearfully for Winnie the pooh … the tears of sadness and exchanging of pink for blue were exchanged for tears of joy only nine weeks later (very early) when my healthy little (really little 5pd) boy arrived and I never ever would’ve imagined having him be anyone else….

<Spongebob Voice> Thirteen Years Later

(almost… thirteen years in about 6 weeks! from this morning!!)

6:30 am – Open Door “Good Morning sweet boy! Wake up! Last week of School”

“Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” Gutteral groan, full of drool gurgles… burrows deeper into bed

“Get up! We don’t want to be late”

“Unnnngggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” Gutteral groan,lifts pillow… Buries head under it

I walk over to the bed and rub the small of his back… His knees are tucked up under him… still… just like I have found him every morning since I can remember… Butt in the air…. I smooth back his once baby soft blonde hair, that is now course and thick… and still the color of straw away from his face and look at his perfect little squinched eyes… beautiful skin with one almond-shaped freckle on his nose (it really is almond-shaped… I didn’t know that happened) and I pull out the Mom voice “Dude”….. A smile spreads across that face… because he knows he has gotten under my skin… “Now”…

“Grrrrrrrr” flings the pillow at the cat that is sleeping at his feet and glares at the window and the light coming through it… as if asking “How dare the sun rise”…. tosses back his covers… and I exit the room… running into Mr Amazing in the hall….

“There is a Zombie in there this morning”

“Uhhhhhhhhhggggggg!!!” from behind the shut door…. Small Child is not a morning person.

May 14 2012

Dark Shadows… MmmmmHmmmm

Author: Kerry

This weekend Mr. Amazing and I saw Dark Shadows on an Imax screen… I will say I was shocked to see some families with youngsters in there (one couple brought a toddler… seriously people) … Shocked, because the previews had made it pretty clear there was a lot of sexual innuendos… (Sign me up for some sexual innuendos Depp style please!) … I went in with high expectations… and I was not disappointed… Tim Burton magic occurred… I would see it again! I would not let my almost 13 year old see it, despite its PG13 rating however… so be warned… It was clever… original… funny… and creepy all wrapped into one.. and the witch was a litch (Apparently you have to be a D&D fan to get this reference) .. and one of the better characters ever created! Loved it! Plus… well… Johnny Depp….

socially acceptable f@#% off!