I cannot explain why this has been my constant … Since it came out… I don’t know if it is the energy raising rhythm and build up… or if it is the sad undertones… or the message of I’m not who I thought I was… but I’m still here… I still breath… This has been my theme song of theme songs… for as long as I can remember… Somewhere in the back of my mind I think it is this line “Be my mirror, My Sword, My Shield… My Missionary in a foreign field”… I think it’s that…
… If you read this you know… I don’t ever really write about my depression directly… but it plays such an active part of my life that you find it in my writing… in my storytelling… in the events of my life… I have a list of “go to” songs… Things that pull me out of that dark place I never talk about… I’ve always called them my theme songs… and change them up based on what is happening in my life… I love music… Thus hatched the thought of Theme Song Thursdays…. I was inspired this morning… driving in my car… Thinking of everything I haven’t accomplished… Who I (in my mind) am letting down… How I am falling behind… never enough… always too much… those types of thoughts… When This popped on the radio… Which began an entire Behind the wheel choreographed dance routine for all of those commuting with me… Truer words have never been sung… I just thought I might not be the only one who needed them this week….
Remember, If music, or any other of the tools you use aren’t working… tell someone…
“Depression Lies” – The Bloggess
THIS ADORABLE MAN! was the doorman at The Pestana Palace Hotel (yes it really was a palace we stayed in, that was converted into a hotel… its gardens were the most beautiful thing I have seen…) Everyday when he would open the door for me he would tip his hat and say in perfect english “Good Day Miss” I wanted to record him doing it… he was a little affronted by that, but did agree to let us snap a picture of him, as you can tell from his smile, I don’t think he minded the attention too awful bad… could he be any cuter?
This wonderful man was my tour guide and tormentor for the day!!! One day he will visit the states and I will return the favor of near death experiences along highways and through traffic… but until then… I leave you with this…. If you ever have the chance to visit Portugal …. do it! (Just don’t eat the food… Trust me!!!)
What if—
…there is time.
…you should say it.
…you do deserve it.
…no, it isn’t fair.
…your current approach isn’t going to change it.
…moving on moves you forward.
…they only win if you insist on defeat.
…I am glad you are here.
…you can—
(Finish It for me… What is your What If… In comments)
My Endings
… You can stand in your truth.
… You can eat carrot cake for breakfast
… You can let go
… You find your Muchness
in the words of Susan B. Anthony: “No self-respecting woman should wish or work for the success of a party that ignores her sex”
#1… Buffett Rule… “The money’s got to come from somewhere,” Obama said.
#2 … He thinks people should have access to free preventative health care… why is this an issue?
#3 … He is fighting on behalf of women’s reproductive rights…
#4 … repealing Don’t Ask Don’t Tell ….and announcing his support of marriage equality …
#5 … The Life of Julia
(People… it’s not just about me or people like me, but everyone … All the poor, indigent, colored, uterus-owning, sick and anyone who can become sick… Everyone.)
Bonus Thoughts on Romney: While he is more moderate than the other Republican candidates… he’s decided to practice the anti intellectual, pro Christian, politics of fear that the rest of the candidates are using to try to win the Republican nomination…. I don’t think Romney has much to offer as a President…. I admire the work he did with the Salt Lake City Olympics, but I don’t think he will actually make the big changes we need to save the US…. He’s not a transformational leader….
and this…
Beautiful spring evening… returned from a delicious dinner with Mr. Amazing… Let the beast outside to pee…. Peek down the side of the porch to see if the Sprinkler “key” is there… I really should water the lawn…. BAM! Biff! Boom! (Like on the batman cartoon dammit!)… Yeah… so I fell off the porch… rolled the shit out of my ankle… wrenched my back… bruised the crap out of places I havent even discovered yet… and figured you all should read this (you know… the post about how I am a clutz… yeah that one… people seemed to like it when I first posted it)… It will be a tradition… At some point I will compile them all…
Mr. Amazing took small child Mothers Day shopping last Sunday morning, Small child had arrived home from his fathers… slightly defeated looking and present-less… and although I had assured him it was okay far in advance to this happening yet again… and talked him through how it would be okay days ahead… it didn’t make him feel much better…
So off they went… To what we call the “Magic Store” (its really the local Michael’s craft store… but the kids think magic comes out of there.. because whatever we do next is always amazing with our supplies…and they are right)
(imagine the spongebob narrator voice) TWO HOURS LATER
Small child finally after several nervous breakdowns and panic attacks chooses a gift and they come home…
Small child has a problem… I don’t know when it started exactly.. he has had it as long as I can remember… Small child cannot make decisions.. he wants them made for him… he is at a time in his life where he needs to be able to decide for himself…
I have never seen panic attacks (full fledged sweat on the brow, swallowing back vomit, room spinning panic attacks) over something as simple as where would you like to go for dinner… but he has them… he always has… we are working on it
Today I found this from one of my favorite people that I’ve never met’s blog… and I was inspired to do this (see image below)!!! For small child to keep with him at all times… this is by far the best advice Ive ever been given… In my adult life.. and I bet the same is true for my cute boy…
“Make one option heads, and the other tails. Hold the coin in your hand for a minute, visualizing the two options on either side. Take a deep breath, and toss the coin into the air. Suddenly it doesn’t matter which side the coin lands on – because you know which side you’re hoping it lands on. You have your answer. And it’s the right one.”
This isn’t a real post… its more of a thought capture inspired by the comments of my spouses nick name… Mr Amazing… I get super mushy when I’m sleepy… I think the funniest thing about this whole post… Is I just became… “that girl”… you know.. that girl.. that publicly does stuff like this…
…You wake up at all hours to help me through the times that I can’t sleep…. You change tactics and approaches, and find ways to comfort me in the middle of the night so that I can get some sleep … We are both sleep deprived and if not for the help of tea/coffee we would be asleep on our feet…. I am so lucky to have someone who experiences everything right alongside me…. I never feel as if I am doing it all…. Have I thanked you for that? Thank you… Thank you for doing so incredibly much… When I said I do, I meant it for life… You taught me that even I am capable of really loving someone unconditionally… You have loved me through my ups and downs and I have loved you through yours. We fit together so perfectly how could I NOT believe that I was made for you and you were made for me? Thank you for being exactly who you are because for me… you are perfect…. I hope that you know how much I appreciate all that you do for our little family… how hard you work to support us… and how much of yourself you give to us… I love you more today than I did yesterday… it happens everyday…. You make me feel safe… loved… and appreciated…. Sure we argue… we panic… we aren’t perfect… but I believe that we grow more resiliant from it… from the communication that comes from it…. You taught me that…I love our life and the family we have become…. I know we will grow old together…
How hard is it to accept one another… to practice kindness… not attack people who see the world differently than we do.
Nothing will ever be achieved in saying the person who disagrees with you is a sinner or stupid. Attacking and name-calling isn’t intelligent discussion. It only forces people to dig in their heels (like smallest child is soooooooo good at) as they refuse to hear your argument…. I’ve been guilty of it in the past, but I realize now that if I want someone to really hear me, I have to stop being a bitch as I present the facts.
The facts, as I see them, are as simple as this: love is love. If two people want to celebrate their love by making a lifelong commitment, it should be their decision to make. My life will change in no way when same-sex marriage becomes a norm. There may be benefits that come about, but there most certainly will be no harm.
My marriage will mean just as much then as it does now.
If you disagree with me, I’ll ask you to substantiate your opinion. If you quote a book in your reasoning, I’ll ask if you’ve really read that book. Perhaps you should to read it again? Because, you know, you can’t pick and choose which lines to live by.
I will ask you if you think it’s OK to stone a woman to death for sleeping with a man (Deuteronomy 22:23-24).
I will ask you if you think it’s OK for a man to sleep with his brother’s wife (Genesis 38:8-10).
I will absolutely ask you if children who curse their mother or father should die (Leviticus 20:9).
And then I will throw the thing in the toilet…. because honestly… knowing it means nothing… preaching it means less… its how I behave … my actions… that I will judge myself by … and whoever else may judge me….. The book that has been used over and over again as a tool to judge… hate…harm… and rule, That book talks equally about love… charity… kindness… hope… Can we practice a little bit of that??
Besides...it will help the economy... Gay Bridal Registry... Wedding planners are all a frenzy!!
I remember when I found out I couldn’t have children… as all my friends were starting families…Holding precious little bundles… I remember being so sad… Because all I wanted was to be a mother… and crying each year … I remember when I became a mother (OH! There is another post there… And to think I had nothing left to write about when I started this)… Because they were wrong… and I had a little blue perfect bundle of my own… And I really came to understand what love was… and what life was about.. and who I really was… And he stared at me with adoring eyes that lit up whenever I entered the room… and when he told me he wanted to marry me when he grew up (he was two) and when he started to call me Yaya (Not momma, not my child apparently)… it turned to mommy… he laughed with me… he played with me.. he stuck lipstick up my nose and in my ears when I dozed off… Mothers Day! I loved it…
Then I became a Mother again … To a teenager… a broken little girl… who I had the honor of witnessing her mending… and thanked my lucky stars everyday for having been blessed with her … I couldn’t imagine life without her… And I accepted it, and I let it happen… and I was spoiled on Mother’s day each year… With mothers rings… and candles and incents… bubble baths… bathrobes…
Then there was the Mothers day… Towards the End with the father… He tried.. In his drunken, prescription pill induced haze to recreate any kind of goodness… He bought my favorite movie (I had pleaded for it.. and the time to watch it)… but when that time came… I couldn’t let him take the children… I couldn’t trust him with them… Not to drive… He grabbed them both… as I screamed in terror and fury after him… not to take them (They were so confused… they didn’t understand what was happening… only that I had lost my mind at this point… They didn’t know there was anything wrong with him… this was how they knew him… I had tried to protect them from knowing the truth… and now they didn’t understand)…. 16 and 6 years old… and he took them, I… in a heap of tears… and disappeared for two hours… I never watched the movie… I stayed on the floor… by the door until he brought them back… and I made him leave. That was the end… I know that now… It dragged on so much longer, but I knew at that point… He had taken my children
… And Mothers Day became something new…Mothers day became a day to celebrate children.. And the miracle of them… and my right… My RIGHT… to keep them safe, and be loved, and not about candles, rings, bubble baths… time alone… It became my day to remember how grateful I am for my children… And all children… and how magical they are… Suddenly Mothers day contained no pity… no anger… no self justified righteousness about being appreciated… and spoiled…. It became about the miracle of life…
I have had three momentous mothers’ days since that turning point…. … Mother’s day is the day I had my little sister’s children three years ago… because she wasn’t alive enough to be their mother that day… I was so grateful for the lesson that brought me… that I wasn’t the drunk sister, and I wasn’t the sister lying in a bed on life support… I was surrounded by all these small faces and fed all these mouths a breakfast I prepared! Not laid in bed and was served… and was so grateful….
Two mother’s day ago… My favorite gift ever from my Son (the one miracle I actually gave birth too)… He was so sad… Because his father was so cruel… he didn’t help him.. he had nothing to give… and I woke up to a small hand written note… with all the pennies he could find in his several hiding places (it was about a dollar and a half)… The note read… “Mommy, I love you… me love you long time (ha ha! He had heard this phrase)… Happy Mother’s Day”…. And all the change was wrapped up in it (This note still hangs on my fridge… I giggle each time I see it)… ;And I cried and cried, and hugged him and hugged him… and this was the year his sister decided to have three dates on Mother’s day rather than see me or call… I got a text… And it hurt at the time, but honestly, I must have done something right with her.. she was off and living her own life, independently…. Don’t worry… This is followed by my next favorite gift… Which I received last year (She was so terrified of missing it… I might have tortured her for her thoughtlessness) and the promise of a visit… on the right day…. (I’m not holding my breath)… and the favorite part of this gift was she was on her two feet, after the year she has had… and facing her own first mother’s day… even though she has buried her angel… and she thought of me… Just me…
I have several children who wish me Happy Mother’s Day besides my two (including my newest little addition courtesy of Mr. amazing I Now have Tall child, small child… and smallest child)… and I have several mothers I call besides my own and including my own!… and in the divorce decree… I get my son… And he will never again push me down, and take my babies… and I will hold and hug anyone elses babies who were blessed with the ability to birth them… but too lost to take care of them.. who need me too…. Mother’s Day… its really children’s day.
I don’t know who is reading this… I don’t know who continues to read my ramblings and rants… These can’t mean something to anyone but me… But I write them, because I Live Them… and it means something to me…
Topic source from my fav place 🙂 