Articles

May 07 2013

… Music is what feelings sound like

Author: Kerry

This Week’s Writing Prompt- 

Your top 10 favorite YouTube channels.

mama kats

What a clever question… This weeks prompt makes me feel more exposed personally than other things I write about… If you want to truly know someone… ask them their favorite YouTube channels…I know it asked for 10… But honestly I don’t stray too much from these… yes they are all music… of course they are… Music is what feelings sound like.

Apparently my musical selection is much like my emotional range.

Pink! – My latest favorite is Just Give me a Reason

This is my house cleaning tunes 🙂 Eminem

My Daughter from another Mother – Really 🙂 The Red Headed Singer

Reality Changers – Cutest most talented family 🙂

The Piano Guys!

David Lanz – Cristofori’s Dream is magical

Tori Amos – The Covers

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Apr 30 2013

Smiffbib Sangria… Seriously

Author: Kerry

mama kats

 

 

 

Prompt: Refreshments anyone? Prepare a drink for us and share the recipe!

Simple Sangria… Wow… This is the most random post ever!

Okay… So I don’t cook… but I sure love to eat!

(I totally cook … sometimes…  just so you know)

Well… I am no bartender… But I sure love wine!

Smiffbib Sangria … Because this whole recipe resonates with the I don’t care attitude – 1 bottle of white wine (I love THIS one! 3 cans of Fresca, add sliced fruit (peaches, strawberries, grapes, etc whatever is left over from the kids lunch works for me!! HA!)

Sip it… Fill a tumbler… bathe in it… whichever your style …

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What! that wasn’t what you were expecting out of me?? Not enough Smiffbib in the Sangria??? Here! Visit my drunk tweet post… because… well… Drunk Tweets!

 

Apr 29 2013

Mantra to overcome depression…

Author: Kerry

Vitamin D. Sunlight. Go

outside. Get a good nightof sleep. Not too good.

Not shades drawn forever
good. Not like you used to.

Open the windows.

Buy more houseplants.
Breathe. Meditate. (One day,

you will no longer be

afraid of being alone
with your thoughts.)

Exercise. Actually exercise

instead of just googling it.
Eat well. Cook for yourself.

Organize your closet, the

garage. Drink plenty of water
and repeat after me:

I am not a problem

to be solved. Repeat after me:
I am worthy I am worthy I am

neither the mistake nor

the punishment. Forget to take
vitamins. Let the houseplant die.

Eat spoonfuls of peanut butter.

Shave your head. Forget
this poem. It doesn’t matter—

there is no wrong way

to remember the grace of your
own body; no choice

that can unmake itself.

There is only now, here,
look: you are already

forgiven.

– Sierra DeMulder

 

Apr 23 2013

Ode to Freddy …

Author: Kerry

Hey… Sometimes you just have to go with it… this not sleeping thing… This isn’t my first Krueger reference … and I am sure it won’t be my last.

I love him! Freddy Krueger may be the best dreamed up character out there… He doesn’t amble around slowly with a dumb mask…  and he’s not a made up monster or a possessed animal or a crazy girl who kills puppies…  He is a guy who can kill people in their dreams…. Everyone sleeps and dreams! He is an equal opportunity slasher!

What is great about Freddy is the thin line between dreams and reality… Freddy may be in their dreams but he can kill them in real life. What a badass!

This also happens to be Johnny Depp’s very first movie (Who I am also enamored with… and Mario… don’t even get me started on my “trapped in a love triangle” with him and Luigi drama). He plays Nancy’s boyfriend and just doesn’t take this whole not sleeping thing as seriously as Nancy. One of the most famous scenes is his death scene and I must say it is pretty awesome although…there does seem to be a little too much blood for one little adorable young Johnny Depp… I am pretty sure that blood is rum… and that is why it’s always gone. (What… I haven’t slept well)

I also enjoy the scene where Nancy’s mother takes her to the sleep clinic to figure out what’s wrong. They watch her on the monitor and once she goes into REM her heart rate is off the charts. She begins wildly thrashing and her mother and the doctor rush in. Nancy’s hair has turned white and she’s clutching Freddy’s hat in her hand… A hat! that even has the name Fred Krueger sewn into it… I wonder if he does his own sewing? Anyways, later, Nancy’s mom brings her down to the basement where she takes a small bundle out of the furnace. She tells Nancy about how a while back there was a child murderer named Fred Krueger who used to take his victims to an old boiler room and kill them. He managed to kill about 20 kids before the parents of the community became outraged and decided to burn him alive in boiler room. Lucky for Nancy’s mom, she got to keep his knife fingers, which she believes is proof that he can’t come back and kill Nancy… But of course he can… And also why would you ever keep a child murderers knife fingers? Sick.

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He’s witty and mean, and has such a gross face that he doesn’t need a scary mask. He also likes to wear stripes and a stylish hat. What’s not to love?

Apr 22 2013

It is what it is…

Author: Kerry

Sooooo I am still swimming in the sea of the funk… I haven’t wanted to write… if your a regular… you have been through these with me before.

I looked at the writing prompts for this week from …mama kats

big sigh… I just didn’t think I could do it… but I chose this one…

 Look into your archives. What were you blogging about a year ago around this time? Are you still dealing with the same thing? Your thoughts?

Suddenly… after reading through this  week last year…I feel a whole lot less crazy.

This year vs. last

Last Year – Being stuck in an insomniac filled panic attack ridden funk…. Check!

This Year – Being stuck in an insomniac filled panic attack ridden funk…. Check!

This year however I am not in as bad of shape with the knee,. In fact I am sometimes even making it to the gym… I said sometimes…  I am going way longer between night terrors <Knocking on ALL the woods right now> and my nights of insomnia are farther and fewer in between… even if I forget that in the midst of them… They feel scarier because they are less familiar… but the reality is… It is so much better!

Last year I didn’t care enough to try to get to the bottom of my panic attacks… I figured they were justified completely… considering all the going ons…

This year I cared. I cared too much. I had anxiety over having anxiety! I have made every attempt to alleviate it… these dread filled heart pounding hand shaking not sleeping short tempered disassociated moments… I have walked… talked… read… listened to music… painted… loosened up those expectations on myself …

Let’s read that again… I did those things!

I continued to read past that least week of April last year… and guess what… things got better… they go up and down… I go up and down… its what keeps me interesting… This will get better too…

Hey… hey you… I do not know if you are still reading this… I don’t think I came to really any kind of a point… There was no AHA! moment… no light at the end of the tunnel …This is horrible content for a blog… but it is the content of my life… So if you are still here… Arms-Tattoos-To-Write-Love-On-Her-Arms1_large

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I wont forget either 🙂

 

Mar 12 2013

My Middle Name…. The bane of my existence

Author: Kerry

mama kats

Middle names in my family mean a lot… in fact every male of the clan had the same initials… You would think we were past such archaic traditions… but then again there is a pope seeking conclave going on in which they had to scramble cell phone signal… so I suppose some things just live on…. D.R.E … it was some sort of  privilege … there are colleges named after them… Arts foundations… Hospital wings… Around here it is a pretty famous name… none of that fame… or money came down to my little branch of the family… but that didn’t insult my fathers pride enough to kibosh the practice… my brother was named accordingly… and as for us three girls in the family? … well we got nothing… literally… It is tradition in the family to not give the girls a middle name so that when they got married they would keep the name as a middle name after taking on their husbands name… because it was just a bunch of bullshit really… all the way through school people assumed my middle name must be so horrible because I would always tell them I just didn’t have one… unheard of to them apparently… middle names are supposed to be embarrassing and used when you are in trouble… as I do with my smalls… maybe that is where my obsession with naming people as I see fit came in…Mr Amazing is The BFG anywhere other than my blog…  Chris is Tolman… Kathy became Bacteria… Dawn Marie is only known as chilidawg in my house… Christian is well… just MyChristian…. Stef is Fluff… the list continues… there are my patented nicknames… these apply to anyone based on my mood… BratFace… Turkey Lips…. Crazy Pants….because… really… Whats in a name?

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Feb 01 2013

… This is a post in self defense!

Author: Kerry

So for a few days now I have been trying to come up with something really amazing to post… My 200th post is SO CLOSE and well…  did you hear me? 200 POSTS! (almost)

I tried to remember what life was like before smiffbib… and I really couldn’t … Much like when a child enters your life…  I suppose in all reality… it is my BABY!

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I think back to my time blogging on Smiffbib…. It’s been almost a year of reflecting… opining… and sharing many cups of coffee with you…  my dear readers… Whoever the hell you are… while we’ve chatted about life and everything in between.

And over that time… I feel like a part of my life has actually changed directly as a result of this blogging experience….

Laughing at myself isn’t something I’ve had too much trouble doing over the years … Things that were once kept in the dark recesses of my rapidly fading memory are now on full public display for all to enjoy at my expense… and the pressure of this magical post quickly began to weigh on me… stress me out… how could I ever put it into words how much this all means to me… when it is all complete nonsense? I actually shed a tear trying to find a way to express everything it is to me… everything it means… words aren’t enough…

So I decided to call it off… 200 is no big deal…. HAPPY 199 BABY!

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 I get some sort of gift for this don’t I???

Jan 14 2013

… Release through Creativity…

Author: Kerry

I’m cheating again this week… I might have a problem with it honestly… So mamakats writers prompts came out a day early… and my cell phone chimed as the email came to my gmail account as I was spending my Sunday afternoon in my paint room… I stopped and with paint covered fingers navigated the touch screen to open it and read the prompts… The prompts this week were take from the “One Word” resolutions of last week… What a GREAT idea!! Two of the words jumped off the page from the list of 5 ( here are all five just because it did inspire so many blog ideas)

mama kats

 

1.) Explore 2.) Release 3.) Trust 4.) Acceptance 5.) Creativity

I experience release through creativity…

I have an issue… okay several, but if you have read this blog a while the theme around most of it is in appropriately channeled anxiety…

So every other Sunday morning (the Sunday morning small child is at his fathers)

I generally wake up on the wrong side of the bed… I cry at the drop of a hat… I get very nit picky.. and panicky about housework (which then triggers poor Mr. Amazing’s anxiety)

Its regular party…

But we recognize it.. and I have all the tools to deal with it… even though sometimes I forget I can actually use these tools…

First-  I took a warm shower… took the time to do the girly groomy thingys that sometimes make us feel better…

still hadn’t found the calm or release I desperately needed…

So I grabbed the container I use for water… filled it slowly… and walked down the stairs.. gingerly… with my broken tailbone… fucked up knees (it was 5 degrees yesterday) … and broken toe… all of these things are a story of their own… that I am just plain tired of writing about… so use your imagination…

I opened the door to my paint room… I lit a candle… some incense .. plugged in the phone to a speaker… played my favorite genre off of Pandora… and I painted…

I took a  HUGE canvas I had received for Christmas from small child and just let myself blend the colors and cover the canvas… I had an idea of what I wanted this to be… but I felt the need to make the color so rich… and the paint so thick… that I wouldn’t be able to finish it…

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So I took another canvas that I had already painted the background of and practiced… here is the start of it… I will post it when it is finished… and then I will attempt to do something similar on the giant canvas… angeland I felt peace…

With every stroke of the brush… and every layer of color… I felt the stress and anxiety leave me… and lost track of time… and forgot about the pain…  It was truly a release through creativity… I intend to work on it again tonight.

UPDATED:

Still not done- but further along… also… completely unrelated… I love you people

angel

Jan 09 2013

… I can’t keep living this way.

Author: Kerry

I can’t keep living this way… If you have been a reader of this blog… you know sleep issues are a running theme. I am a lifelong insomniac… as well as a long time experiencing Adult Night Terrors individual… There is a lot that goes along with this that I do not share … Panic attacks over my sleeping environment being one of them (until now)… Also you know that I have recently in the past few years met … fell in love with… and married my Night Time Knight in shining armor… Mr. Amazing. (everything is appropriately back linked if you want the history 🙂 )

Something new in my sleep pattern is emerging as I continue down this road to happy destiny… And it is more disturbing to me personally than any of the above… I. Am. Sleeping. SOUNDLY… So soundly that last night Mr. Amazing came into the bedroom (he had too stay up late working from home) … OPENED the door… entered our bedroom… said my name twice… tried to shoe the dog from the bed… and in a tired exasperated state of mind gave up and went back to the couch and fell asleep…. In my life… as long as I can remember… I have NEVER slept through someone entering a room, a door opening or closing anywhere in where I am sleeping… I have NEVER slept through someone speaking in the room … or a dog climbing up on the bed…

45 minutes after his attempt to come to bed… I … as is my habit unfortunately… bolted up in bed… not finding him there… and the inexplicable rage that comes with a full blown panic attack… which comes from finding you are not in the circumstance you think you are while asleep… found myself in the living room yelling at him … he tried to explain what had happened (Public Service Announcement: No one should ever ever ever try to have rational conversations whilst in the grasps of recent sleep… because they are never rational) to which I responded with complete disbelief .. because I don’t do that… I don’t sleep through things… and I certainly don’t want to start… I lay awake (mostly) from that point on … in complete terror that it was possible (which is of course the truth). I had taken Advil pm… the lack of aches… and the added sleep… along with all the other healthy things taking place in my life… less energy drinks… less coffee… less insecurity… less instability… less depression… less nightmares… less sleepless nights… less worries… had finally caught up with me… We fumbled through amends this morning… he kept making them… when in reality… this is all me… this mess is mine… he just wants me to sleep… he just wants to me to know I am safe enough to really sleep that deeply… His intentions are so amazing… and through tears… I had to tell him that I am choosing to hang onto this one thing… for now… My sleep pattern… because it is like a life line… it is irrational… irresponsible… and unfair of me… but it is what I want… So I have been awake since the wee hours of this morning… and I have already downed one energy drink.. and I am moving onto coffee… Maybe one day… but not this day….

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