Sooooo This happened… ha ha!
Nov
26
2014
smiffbib
socially acceptable f@#% off!
Articles
Nov
20
2014
5 Things…
Well… Get ready for some gut level honesty… it does not happen often… But this is who I am.
Betcha didn’t know…
I can’t play… Really… I can’t do it much to the dismay of all the smalls in my life… I can’t pretend… can’t walk that little doll along the table and talk for her… or pretend to have her fly through the air… no ponies, no action figures (I can FIGHT however… gimme a good action figure to wack you with and it is on).
I’m also a zombie fanatic… Seriously, ask me something about them… But I’m sort of picky on what types of zombie stories I like… I prefer the apocalyptic ones… where the undead wins.
I aspire to be a writer when I retire…. I love to write stories and share ideas and thoughts.
My favorite thing in the universe to do is to interact with other people on any topic in the universe at an ungodly inappropriate hour because the conversation is so good. .. But I refuse to go to gatherings.
I am a jack of all trades… master of none… I honestly think I can converse about any topic in the universe fairly well… Dorothy Parker once wrote “the only cure for boredom is curiosity, there is no cure for curiosity” — I am afflicted with it.
Randoms things I know ..
Charles Manson… Ironically he is trending this week… suddenly I have people to talk with about this.
Religion … Mormonism… Catholicism… Mysticism… I love the subject and read up on all spiritual traditions… Partake in none of them.
The Hypothalamus – The Hormone Station…
&
The Hippocampus – The Memory Station… I majored in early childhood psychology for a period…
World affairs… I don’t often blog about them… but I am not one of those people that believe what FOX news (or any of the others media outlets really) I do my homework… I research… I support causes I believe in… I was there the first night Occupy camped out.
Things I don’t know
Sewing… or any kind of needle work at all… I think I am allergic to it
Cooking… I break out in hives
US History… For someone who cares so much about what is going on today… yeah… I got nothing.
Car Maintenance… Bahahahahaha!
Sports… of any kind.
I believe …
In miracles… I really do… I don’t think some white bearded man touched my life with his almighty finger or anything like that… But I have witnessed truly miraculous things.
In Angels… Yep… again… not winged trumpeting robed beings… but I believe in things that can’t be seen.
In My Children… With all of my heart… even though right now I dont really understand how they are going to pull it off… I think that they will do so fantastically!
In Myself… You see… most days I dont understand how I am going to pull it off… but I keep doing so.
In You… I believe… despite what I read about the world… despite what I see people doing to others… and the earth… that human kind as a whole is mostly good… that we are good… that small acts of kindness save lives… and they happen everyday. I Believe in you enough for both of us on the days that you don’t believe in yourself… so don’t sweat it… I have you covered…
Now… That being said… I wrote a cheeky blog last week… then forgot to link it up to MamaKats… but it was funny… So make sure you go show some love on that sad little creative post that I worked so hard on… cause it needs it!
Ransom Notes & 2 Year Olds
Nov
13
2014
Ransom Notes & 2 Year Olds
Truth be told… I can make any story I want to tell fit one of her amazing writing prompts if I want to tell it bad enough… and this story is dying to be told!
So my cute grandchildren (Tiny and Tinyest) and my angel girl graced our home with their presence for a weekend last month due to a spider infestation at their residence… it was so much fun to have them there… but I learned right after they left that something had been left behind! I tried to rectify it… but finally resorted to this….
Dear Tiny Boy…. I’ve got your blankie. Don’t worry… it’s quite safe…and it will stay that way only if you do exactly as I say… First of all, no contact with the Feds… No contact with the newspapers or TV… Now… on Day after next, you must phone me (look, I know for sure that you know how…Don’t waste time pretending that you don’t! You are too phone savvy… Remember – I have your blankie!)
Phone me at precisely 8am (this is gonna be run like a military operation!),
and invite me – nicely – to go with you on a date. Don’t play games with me; you know the kind of date that I like!
The date must – repeat, must – take place on a Sunday … If you value your blankie you will do what I ask (sorry, demand!).
At the conclusion of said date, you will receive your blanket in the same condition as when you left it. I shall not repeat these instructions.
Any funny business and the blanket gets it!
Well… it didn’t go exactly as planned… but he is 2… so I cut him some slack when my phone rang and PROMPTLY 8 am the next morning and was asked for a date that Saturday… I quickly accepted … and am now waiting to accept the “Worlds Funnest Grandma” award that is surely coming after this!
Oct
27
2014
Oh Hell No…
“The house was haunted. Well, at least it was haunted while I was there. As soon as I left, the house cleared up. ” – Jarod Kintz, Sleepwalking is restercise
I remember when I was 15… a group of us kids took some canned food for donations and entry into the haunted house just a few days before Halloween… I was so excited… I loved Halloween.. I loved scary movies… I loved being out late at night with my friends… and then I heard the chainsaw roar… and we walked through the doors …
I am behind my friend and have strong-armed him into position directly in front of me… Like a shield… someone you never see walks around the room… occasionally pausing to stroke your face or jab at your neck with a hand in strangle formation or the point of something sharp… You never see any of this coming. It just happens. In the dark.
Chain saws… screams… CLOWNS… it is 45 minutes of hell… most of which my eyes are closed… I can now feel my friends skin through the t shirt that I have shredded while clinging to it… Later… he shows me actual claw marks left on his back… as he informs me I was the scariest part of the whole experience for him.
Never ever again did I go to a haunted house… I ride through spook rides at amusement parks with my eyes closed and act like I enjoy the whole thing… This past Friday Small Child asked to go with some friends to the SAME HAUNTED HOUSE (I could not make this up) I agree to let him go… I even offer to drive them… I drop them off at the gate warning them to be careful… and I move to the furthest location of the parking lot and I wait… allowing them to believe I have left.
THERE IS NO WAY I AM LEAVING MY BABY THERE!
after sitting there in the dark 10 minutes or so… I hear the scraping of feet draggin through the gravel of the lot… It is pitch black… I start looking frantically around me… I see several figures moving through the parking lot… in rags… and walking with a dead limb or a dislocated looking shoulder… SHIT!… I text Mr. Amazing…. he is soooooo sorry… BAM! on my back window… and swamp voodoo mans face is pressed up against the glass… I scream … pee a little (okay not really… but if my bladder had had ANYTHING in it… would’ve happened)
and flipped the stupid kid off
OH HELL NO!
I crack my window and inform the monsters that I am waiting for some teens that are inside… and they can move on to the next victim… and spend the next hour checking all my mirrors like a wild woman.
Small child loved it.
Next year he can drive his own damn self!
Shout out for this walk down memory lane… and the nightmares are dedicated to the greatest writers workshop in the world!
Oct
22
2014
Well… he is a cute penguin!
Aug
07
2014
Wickedly Lucky… Themesong Thursday
Aug
06
2014
Mothers Curse? I think not.
Share a memory you have of yourself at that same age
Sophomore… he is going to be a freaking Sophomore…. Kill me dead…
I paid the registration fees this week… I almost killed over then and there… I took him to get his learners permit… which he failed… ha! Well… So did I the first time… and that is exactly where our similarities end…
My Sophomore year… I lost my virginity… I had already experimented in every known substance invented at the time…and continued to do so… I smoked camel cigarettes… I had half my head shaved and the half that still had hair was a strange blend of black and purple… with my blonde roots poking through it… I wore clothes with bullet holes in them and safety pins… I owned and lived in combat boots… I drew thick black lines around my eyes and powdered my face with white makeup… I owned and used liberally black lipstick…I frightened small children … I am giggling as I type this… I listened only to Depeche Mode, The Cure, OMD, Eurasure, Sex Pistols, Pink Floyd… and the sound track to Phantom of the Opera…I was taken out of the school that year… twice… by ambulance.
<Knocking on all the wood I can reach>
My Small is enrolled in Musical Theater, He is playing the Viola in the Orchestra, His favorite music is from the 50’s or The Beatles, Johnny Cash, The Eagles, CCR, Three Dog Night… Everything I had never even heard of until he began to really discover his flavor of life. He has more manners in his little finger than I do in my entire being… and yet I keep taking the accolades for having such a polite young man… when the truth is he has taught me more about manners than I ever have him.
The mothers curse is such a common joke on social media… maybe my mother didn’t speak to me enough to utter the words… but I am screaming mine from the roof tops!
I HOPE HE HAS CHILDREN JUST LIKE HIM!
Smallest child is entering 3rd grade… 3rd graders tend to be assholes…I do not remember 3rd grade at all… but I will hold out the speaking of the curse words until her Sophomore year… just to be fair… because she is definitely JUST LIKE Mr. Amazing… I would assume his mother cursed him multiple times.
Aug
06
2014
I raised these…
Jul
17
2014
Pure Joy…
You have brought me nothing but pure joy since that very first moment… Watching you grow… absorbing the world around you… inquisitive and delighted to learn… I’m reminded each day of the miracles you bring into my world.
As all mothers do… I have goals… dreams and wishes for you
Don’t ever apologize for who you are, for what you want, for how hard you have worked or where you are going in life. I don’t doubt you will work hard… but I can already see signs that you are quick to apologize… to back down. Don’t. You have learned this from me and I wish I could take it back… Stand your ground… be proud of you. Do not live to make others happy or to measure up to someone else’s expectations… Be Johnathon. This is enough.
I wish for the kind heart I see you in now to stay firmly in place… Keep it, nurture it, handle it with care. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you are too sensitive… You are the first to hold your step sister’s hand when she is scared… the first to run for the ice pack when someone is hurt… the first to panic when people fight because the fighting for no reason is perplexing to you… I couldn’t live without your affection and kindness.
Seek joy… Pure Joy… Every single day, find something that makes you happy and do it. Be it big or small – an act of kindness, listening to a song you love, calling a friend – it quite simply doesn’t matter. What matters is that you spend a portion of each day smiling and laughing.
Your dreams: do them. Your heart: follow it… Your family: treasure them… Your friends: be loyal to them… Your fears: embrace them and allow them to make you stronger… The money you earn: respect it… Your passion: LIVE IT.
I will always call you bug… buddy… neenerfan… angel boy. I am so proud to call you my son.
Today I am going to take you to attempt to get your learners permit and I am going to put you behind the wheel of a car… I feel like there is an energy… a force in you that I cannot slow down… or contain… I miss your small face… but your deep voice is such a sense of pride for me… you are such a fine young man. Happy Birthday my baby…. and many more.
Jul
14
2014
8 is great!
Watching you grow into the young girl that you are has been an amazing journey and I know that I am a huge part of that… I do not do this to win your affection … I do it because I love you with every part of my heart.
It’s amazing to me that you’re so grown up now… You are 8 already… Our 6.5 years flash before my eyes pretty regularly… looking back now your personality is still as precocious as it was from day one… yet you love so much more than I ever imagined you would I am convinced of this watching you attending to your sister with more heart than I thought you had…. You love so fiercely
My wish for you this year is simple… I hope that you always allow your wonderful self to shine… Do not let others tell you how to act or who to be… Do not let others let you waiver from your own path… Above all else… do not let anyone make you feel anything other than amazing… You are intelligent… sincere… empathetic… giving… creative… and oh so beautiful… I know that you have been blessed with everything you need in life to succeed and find happiness… This world is an amazing and challenging place… It is yours to savor… and navigate… Live each day with a sense of gratitude … I will be beside you every step of the way… I will hold your hand… cheer you on… pick you up… and watch you discover all that it means to be you… I love you pretty facey.
