Articles

Apr 21 2012

… That didnt go exactly as planned… sigh.

Author: Kerry

Picture if you will… the night I ran out of bed in my sleep…. The first time successfully since being married… Mr. Amazing caught me… but not before my hands were on the ground in the two foot distance between my side of the bed and the wall… My legs tangled into some mess of halfway still on the bed… and knees touching the carpet… Mr. Amazing has me by the shirt… and quickly scoops an arm around my waste pulling me back into bed… back into his arms… and back to sleep…. Picture if you will the next two weeks of me pretending nothing is wrong… that maybe it is arthritis showing up.. the weather is all over the place… and they did say when I got older the knees would suffer from that roll over… or that time I was hit by the car…. But I finally decided to have it checked… you know… make sure it’s not some bone cancer hanging out  there or something…. skip forward a couple of office visits… because the knee and its injury is not the story here…

Picture if you will… Mr. Amazings sister… (she is going to need a name… hmmmph… lets call her crazy pants… because thats what I call Mr amazing when he wears my penguin pajama pants… and well… its his little sister… whom is the object of much adoration from all of us…)

Picture if you will … Crazy Pants and Small Child coming along… because they gave me a Valium to get through the MRI… and require me to have a ride home… I pop said little pill… and don’t really feel anything but calm…. I lay in the white chamber… comfy and the voice in my ear says they will play me some music and its okay if I doze off… and I laugh to myself… because this machine makes crazy electronic noises… and jiggle randomly… and I’m an insomniac… and ….

SCREAMING!!!! the screams seem to be coming from my toes and traveling up and out my mouth for the range on them…. Flailing of untethered limbs… the face of a very distraught… bordering on terrified imaging technician… more of them entering the room swiftly…. sudden awareness of where I am and what must have happened slams into my thoughts… like my face hitting a wall… I leap off the table… ask if they got the MRI done… they did… I assure them I am fine… and walk past them all to get dressed again…

They stand outside my changing room… are you okay.. how do you feel… are you doing okay…. I am trying to reassure them at record pace… quickly before they decide they are going to tell crazy pants… who has no idea… I get out into the waiting area quick as I can… and there is the very shaken looking imaging tech telling her not to leave me alone… make sure if I sleep someone is right there… he thinks it is the Valium… he doesn’t know this who I am…  Crazy Pants looks terrified as we walk to the car… I try to laugh… I try to joke it off… I tell her “you should have seen their faces”… and laugh… I’m already dialing Mr. Amazing… forcing him to tell her I am okay… and can be left alone…. All I want is to be left alone to process this…

Its been two days… I still cry every time I think about it… I can’t sleep…

I have a sick sense of humor about it all…

Apr 16 2012

Adult Night Terrors Revisted

Author: Kerry

Night terror

Definition – Night terrors are a sleep disorder in which a person quickly awakens from sleep in a terrified state.
Causes, incidence, and risk factors  – Night terrors (sleep terrors) occur during deep sleep, usually during the first third of thenight. The cause is unknown but night terrors may be triggered by fever, lack of sleep, or periods of emotional tension, stress, or conflict. – In contrast, nightmares are more common in the early morning. They may occur after someone watches frightening movies/TV shows or has an emotional experience. A person may remember the details of a dream upon awakening, and will not be disoriented after the episode. – Night terrors are most common in boys ages 5 – 7, although they also can occur in girls. They are fairly common in children ages 3 – 7, and much less common after that. Night terrors may run in families. They can occur in adults, especially with emotional tension.

http://www.healthcentral.com/sleep-disorders/sleep-problems-2354-108.html

They come in waves… As stated above they are common when there is a lot of emotional tension… I have them almost nightly lately it seems… I bolt upright confused, and then immediately embarrassed…. I scream out sometimes…. I have been known to run out of bed… or run out into the living room before realizing I am awake…I am always confused by how I got from where I was when my eyes were closed to where I am upon opening them… I hate feeling weak, they leave me gripped in such terror that it can take a long time to unwind my muscles again, pull my shoulders down from my ears, work out the “Charlie Horses” in my calves… Uncurl my toes, Unfold my arms from around my stomach…. Breathe deeply instead of quick and Shallow….  There are times I go months without them, there are times I have actually normal nightmares where I am being chased, or drowned by a tidal wave…. But mostly, Mostly it is these terrors, repeats of things I have experienced in real life, in short flash like images, .. Being held down… Being hit… the car rolling… Lifeless baby… a fist at my face… a fist at someone elses face… Faces distorted by a noose, in a casket… Blood, Emergency rooms… Life light helicopters… Trying to break car windows… Screaming her name hoping to wake her up… Different Homes… Different beds… all the places I have slept… Him jumping through the glass on the ninth floor of Artec… My grandpa passing away… Other peoples nightmares that they have shared with me… Over and Over again…. Sometimes I reach out… Sometimes I try to run away… Sometimes I cry because its just sad… Sometimes I am so afraid I don’t sleep again… Sometimes I don’t fully wake up at all and hear about it the next morning… Sometimes I wish they would stop… But mostly, They just are…

Apr 12 2012

Chicken Cherry Cola … and 7 other misheard Lyrics

Author: Kerry

I wanted to write a funny post about how I got some song lyrics wrong…and I started to draft it out and realized it was a little bit more of a tangled web I needed to weave if I expected anyone to follow it…  So I am going to Type it… and you are going to either close the site at this point… or love it…

All of my friends have a nickname… and my smalls… and my Mr. Amazing… you get the idea … This story is about Bacteria… who let’s be honest… may be solely responsible for my nickname fetish… Bacteria is Bacteria because her last name at the time was Renteria… and well… Bacteria is funnier… She calls me Buzzer

We met working in a local convenient store many many moons ago … when I was taking night classes and they offered tuition reimbursement… So we opened the store at 5 am to receive deliveries… One day there was an alarm going off inside the store… Looking at the safe alarm… it wasnt it… looking at the emergency shut offs for the gas pumps… it wasnt it… I couldn’t find it anywhere… The coke delivery guy showed up just as I was about to call for help (no really, I was dialing the fire dept)… and simply walked behind the counter and hit snooze on the alarm clock (thanks a heap evening shift guy) … Hence the name buzzer… and a life long friendship

 At said store we were stocking shelves to a well choreographed routing of  I Want you -Savage Garden when I sang 

 “anytime I need to see your face I just close my eyes… mumble mumble … CHICKEN CHERRY COLA”

… and well… you can imagine the reaction… we googled the lyrics … (see above link if curious about the correct ones)  BUT This year… 15 years later… 15!! I was vindicated with this post on my Facebook wall…

 (thanks bacteria) and I realized I am not alone!!! What other ones do you get wrong?

Here are my Top 7

1-       Elton John — ‘Tiny Dancer’

Me: “Hold me closer, Tony Danza.”
Real: “Hold me closer, tiny dancer.”

2-      Pearl Jam — ‘Glorified’

Me: “Horrified virgin on a pelican”
Real: “Glorified version of a pellet gun”

3-      Manfred Mann’s Earth Band –‘Blinded by the Light’

Me: “Wrapped up like a douche”
Real: “Revved up like a deuce”

4-      Van Halen — ‘Panama’

Me: “You reach down between my legs… squeeze the seed bag.”
Real: “You reach down between my legs… ease the seat back.”

5-      Adele — ‘Chasing Pavements’

Me: “Should I just keep chasing penguins?”
Real: “Should I just keep chasing pavements?”

6-      Creedence Clearwater Revival — ‘Bad Moon Rising’

Me: “There’s a bathroom on the right.”
Real: “There’s a bad moon on the rise.”

7-      Eagles — ‘Desperado’

Me: “You’ve been outright offensive for so long now.”
Real: “You’ve been out riding fences for so long now.”

Mr. Amazing donated unknowingly the Pledge of Allegiance as he recited it in his younger years to honor this post 🙂

“I plague a league dance to the flag, of the young knighted states of America, Aunt two republics with wicker stands, one nation, under God, Invisible, witch liver tea and just this for all”

Apr 08 2012

… That damn bunny!!!

Author: Kerry

I remember thinking that when I had kids of my own that there were some super lame holidays I just wouldn’t get sucked into…. and before we go all righteous on the religious meaning behind them…. you’re the people telling your kids fictitious characters come into their homes in the dead of night and leave them things…

… Santa I understood… he sees you when your sleeping… he knows when your awake… all that creeper stuff…. I get it.. besides I love Christmas magic… I really do… but let’s go over a few I don’t get…. the tooth fairy…. okay seriously disturbing… and I’m not the only one who thinks so… there are horror movies about it…. and beyond that… gross… what am I supposed to do with that tooth… I remember sneaking through my mothers drawer and finding them… eek… what’s she gonna do with them.. give them to me with my baby stuff…. “Thanks a heap for the rotting hunk of bone from my prepubescent mouth Mom! ”

… and of course the Easter bunny…. anyone wanna take a stab at explaining the sense behind this tradition and not make it sound lame? … good luck…. but of course by the time I had the small child .. I was not the only person with a vested interest in his up bringing… and MIL had known my plans to deprive him of this weirdness….. and blackmailed me with threats of trying to indoctrinate him into organized religion if I didn’t participate in her favorite holiday…. so… obviously she won…. he was almost two when we introduced this holiday to him…. he loved coloring the eggs…. he could have spent hours bathing those precious little cooked eggs in colors … and he left them in the fridge in his crayon decorated and stickered carton… went to bed happily chirping about eggs and them representing spring…. and the colors were so pretty… in the morning he awoke to a chocolate laden basket… with jelly beans… and stuffed bunny larger than his tiny toddler body…. the Easter bunny had come… and he ran to check on his eggs hoping the bunny had liked them… only to find the empty Carton on the kitchen counter …. his grandma and father were poised with cameras to catch the reaction of his first egg hunt…. I wish I had caught their reactions to his…. small child’s face skewed into the angriest most disgusted expression I had ever seen… then in a low voice spit out the words…”That damn bunny took my eggs! “…. shocked to say the least someone pointed out a hidden egg to him and suggested perhaps that bunny had just hid them…..(I laughed uncontrollably through the entire charade… muttering that damn bunny everytime he looked like he may have gotten over his fury… keeping his rage harnessed) … oh he found those eggs.. proclaiming the Easter bunny the “biggest jerk ” as he found the eggs one by one… until each of his beautiful eggs were back in the carton where they belonged… and then he ate that chocolate rabbit… it was in vengeance, biting those ears off angrily… for the prank that had been played on him….that damn bunny! the following year he drew scary faces on the eggs to try to scare the bunny off…. this year he is helping me make the basket for smallest child… and he still thinks the Easter bunny sucks …. I couldn’t agree more.

Apr 03 2012

My Vagina hates Santorum…

Author: Kerry

Gchat Stream –

me:  I kinda want to make my status update of the day be “My Vagina hates Santorum” … But I dont think i can LMAO

Mr.Amazing: lol   not a good idea

me: I didnt post it… but it was funny…

Mr.Amazing: questions will inevitably arise, like “how do you know? you have Santorum in your vagina lately?”

me: Noooo I dont think so… well maybe from you… but no one else im friends with would have the guts to respond to that LMAO

Mr.Amazing: lol there is always womb for Santorum, Santorum, pro womb

me: ROTFL!! That is horrible

Mr.Amazing: Santorum will never clean your womb
that’s the worst ever – btw

me: That was soooooo bad!

Mr.Amazing: I am so pro life
but before a brain has formed, I have a hard time forming an argument
but seriously, I hate it

me:  So this is why even though I am pro life, I dont judge other people based on their opinions, I dont feel I have the right to legislate a womans womb so
keep government out of my womb
HAHA! that should be my status update
Mr.Amazing: no womb for government

me: Exactly!!!

Mar 21 2012

This was our moment

Author: Kerry

The Traveling Red Dress… A Story… Within a Story… With in a Story

I can’t read this post without tearing up a little each time… Watched the TRD community page for weeks on Facebook… peeked at others Red dress moments… shopped for dresses online… as if I would ever really purchase one… Shared the story with every female friend of mine that I ever thought could use a Red Dress moment… and then one day… This (through a series of events) was sent to me … And I knew my weeks of lurking were over… because honestly, I know everyone feels this way… But I am special…  She inspires me to believe that I can do anything…  more than a box of wine… or 6 vanilla soy lattes… or a good rap session on the freeway commuting into the office… . So I wouldn’t let myself chicken out of… ‘cause I just want to be like The Bloggess that much! So I tried it on

Headless Red Dress

It Fit! Next, I made the arrangements with my soul sister, and set the date and time… and informed her she too would be wearing the dress… Well mostly…#1 because she needs a red dress moment, and doesn’t know it and  even more to the point #2 because then I have equal amounts of pictures of her in said ball gown… should she ever feel the need to show them to anyone. That’s just what kind of friends we are. 

I was a little nervous (Nervous means I didn’t sleep for two days and was irrationally crying a little each time I scaled laundry mountain… since I had failed to properly do laundry  since I found out the dress was coming.. and the dishes … and cooking… The local Indian Restaurant  which I highly recommend knows my voice and calls me by name when I call for take-out) But I hopped in the shower Sunday morning without a care in the world… and exited the shower a hysterical mess…. drying off my shoulders I took a good look at the war wounds there… The claw like stretch marks… the vertical evenly spaced scars on top of them… then let my eyes travel over the rest of me…  They are everywhere… things that I hate… a lump.. a fold.. a wrinkle.. a scar… a bruise.. a freckle… pulled out a unwanted hair and completely melted down… I made my way from the bathroom to my bedroom unseen and climbed back into bed… water drops changing the color of my lavender sheets to a dark purple…. And sobbed … I wish I could tell you I forced myself up and into my car… But I didn’t… I reached for my phone and text said soul sister that perhaps we should catch up on sleep instead… that I didn’t think I felt too well…. And her response was this… and I quote “NO! I have been looking forward to it all week! GET over here NOW!”… so I threw back on my pajamas… grabbed all my makeup…yet somehow no bra…. attempted to get out of the house without alerting smallest child and Mr. Amazing to the streams of tears and shaking hands…. I tried to get out, but Mr. Amazing can spot me from a mile away… I hoarsely ask him to load the gown in my car for me… Which he responds “of course” and I grab the stunningly beautiful Red Pashmina he had overnighted to the house for the occasion… Knowing this moment would be likely… Seeing as the dress was strapless… and he tells me it will be okay.. that he loves me so so so much (he really says so three times, god I love him)…. and that I don’t have to show them to anyone if I don’t like them.. and he finds my camera for me… my special camera that means so much … it reminds me of my grandpa… and he texts me before I can arrive at the house around the corner to make sure I am okay… surprisingly,  I was.

We primped and prepped and talked about our kids… We had grown up together.. and so had our kids… I wonder if our kids’ kids will… wouldn’t that be amazing? I bet it totally happens… And then magic took place… We each took a turn in this Red dress… giggled and laughed and complemented each other.. posed… and might’ve jumped on the bed… took a million pictures… pretended to drink straight from a bottle with the label turned so you couldn’t see it was apple cider instead of whiskey… Danced… folded laundry…

Red Dress Collage

I then pulled my grey man hoodie over this amazingly magical gown.. and ran through the snowy march afternoon to my car with bare feet and drove back around the corner so that smallest child… who I have convinced I am allergic to dresses (also the color pink, glitter, lace, princesses, Barbies,  Lalaloopsies …the list is added to frequently) see me in the dress… (Mr. Amazing said wow!)  She loved it! And wanted it to be hers… but she is five… and has no concept of size and proportions… It would never fit her… She wanted to have a tea party… and I quickly agreed… She went and tossed on a  “Tiana” dress up gown.. and I put on pajamas…with a matching tiara.

I know I don’t have to share these… But I’m not coming this far without showing them off… Magic!

 

Story #2

So, my BFF calls me one day. Yes, I am almost 40 years old. Yes, I said BFF. She tells me about this red dress that we are going to take turns wearing. We are going to get together and do our hair and make-up and act like girls. Notice I didn’t say ask? She knows the only thing I will say “NO!” to her for is setting me up on a blind date. *That’s a different blog*

After expressing to my tweenage daughter that I feel like I had turned into a fat frumpy old mom and her response was, “Feel?” … I knew I needed this. Work, kids, men and life have a way of consuming a woman and I had let it! Text to catch up on sleep? Hell no!! I bought make-up for this!!

For as long as she and I have known each other, we had never done anything like this before. We are not girly girls, hoodies and jeans please! There were no kids, no men, we turned up the radio and giggled as we put on our make-up and curled our hair. I wore the dress first. I absolutely hate my flabby arms, but I didn’t care in the magic dress! It transformed me! I tried to take serious pictures, but if you were to see the ones I was smiling in, it was actually an evil laugh. She was screaming at me because I was having too much fun taking my own pictures with the camera on my phone!

Then it was her turn. She was beautiful! She looked like Snow White with her black hair and bright red dress!

She wanted to take lighthearted funny pictures, not serious ones like I did. Then I leave her alone with my phone and she takes pictures of herself just like she screamed at me for!! They were AMAZING! There is something about taking your own picture that captures what no one else can!

~The Soul Sister