My Darling Co-Worker and a late night Costco Shopping Trip…. ‘Nuff Said!
Nov
12
2014
smiffbib
socially acceptable f@#% off!
Articles
Nov
06
2014
Nothing but thieves … Loving them!
Nov
05
2014
My Life in 12 Lines
Write a post in just 12 lines.
… Going to work Monday mornings is like riding a bike
… And the bike is on fire…
And your clothes are on fire…
And everything’s on fire because you’re in Hell…
… At least Hell is warm
… it is 39 degrees today
4 pm start pintresting dinner ideas from the office…
call small child and see what I may or may not have in the freezer…
… Get non authentic… but oh so fattening Mexican food instead
… Think of getting a load of laundry done… maybe some writing… painting
Turn on the tv… remove bra… put on PJs … curl up on couch instead…
Check alarm for setness … promise myself it will be different tomorrow…
Oct
30
2014
Grab your crucifix… put on your black liner….. and hit the dancefloor!
Oct
27
2014
Oh Hell No…
“The house was haunted. Well, at least it was haunted while I was there. As soon as I left, the house cleared up. ” – Jarod Kintz, Sleepwalking is restercise
I remember when I was 15… a group of us kids took some canned food for donations and entry into the haunted house just a few days before Halloween… I was so excited… I loved Halloween.. I loved scary movies… I loved being out late at night with my friends… and then I heard the chainsaw roar… and we walked through the doors …
I am behind my friend and have strong-armed him into position directly in front of me… Like a shield… someone you never see walks around the room… occasionally pausing to stroke your face or jab at your neck with a hand in strangle formation or the point of something sharp… You never see any of this coming. It just happens. In the dark.
Chain saws… screams… CLOWNS… it is 45 minutes of hell… most of which my eyes are closed… I can now feel my friends skin through the t shirt that I have shredded while clinging to it… Later… he shows me actual claw marks left on his back… as he informs me I was the scariest part of the whole experience for him.
Never ever again did I go to a haunted house… I ride through spook rides at amusement parks with my eyes closed and act like I enjoy the whole thing… This past Friday Small Child asked to go with some friends to the SAME HAUNTED HOUSE (I could not make this up) I agree to let him go… I even offer to drive them… I drop them off at the gate warning them to be careful… and I move to the furthest location of the parking lot and I wait… allowing them to believe I have left.
THERE IS NO WAY I AM LEAVING MY BABY THERE!
after sitting there in the dark 10 minutes or so… I hear the scraping of feet draggin through the gravel of the lot… It is pitch black… I start looking frantically around me… I see several figures moving through the parking lot… in rags… and walking with a dead limb or a dislocated looking shoulder… SHIT!… I text Mr. Amazing…. he is soooooo sorry… BAM! on my back window… and swamp voodoo mans face is pressed up against the glass… I scream … pee a little (okay not really… but if my bladder had had ANYTHING in it… would’ve happened)
and flipped the stupid kid off
OH HELL NO!
I crack my window and inform the monsters that I am waiting for some teens that are inside… and they can move on to the next victim… and spend the next hour checking all my mirrors like a wild woman.
Small child loved it.
Next year he can drive his own damn self!
Shout out for this walk down memory lane… and the nightmares are dedicated to the greatest writers workshop in the world!
Oct
07
2014
… Magic Happened
Mr. Amazing: Hello
Me: Hiya
Mr. Amazing: Did I directly or indirectly make you grumpy with me?
Me:Nope… Im not grumpy
Mr. Amazing: Okay, I love you
Me: I love you too
Mr. Amazing: you seemed grumpy, but it could have been my imagination
Me: I am always grumpy when sleeping… I butchered the shit out of my bangs this morning… thought you should know
Mr. Amazing: OMG – ROFL
Me: bahahahaha I should have cut them last night
Mr. Amazing: how bad are they?
Me: ummmm on a scale from 1 – 10? they are fucked up bahahaha I was on cold medicine, didnt have my contacts in, the mirror was foggy from the shower, I used house scissors… and magic happened
Mr. Amazing: OMG
Me: #everythingisawesome
Mr. Amazing:
LOL I loooove you!
Me: ROTFLMAO! They arent that bad
I mean… they are bad… but I didnt call into work and run to the salon or anything be nice or I will try to straighten them up with these scissors at my desk…. which I have also done before
Mr. Amazing:
Me:
Mr: Amazing : Straighter than a catholic priest, wait… straighter than that LOL, they are fine I was picturing a butcher job half way up your forehead, I was scared for you.
Sep
22
2014
Top 5 Embarrassing Moments….
Ha ha… well I have been in a bit of a self loathing mode lately… public humiliation seems to be a great way to round that off… I am a blogger because I have an endless supplies of stories to tell… and below is some of my best material that I have yet to turn into posts… one day I will do each of these things justice… these are probably not the most embarrassing… they are just what came to mind first… and they are not in any kind of chronological order… and are not ordered by the amount of embarrassment experienced… they are simply spilt out into the keyboard to make us all feel better about ourselves today… No matter where I am today… I am not in any of the places below… and for that I am grateful
1- Making Amends with the Barricade
I have shared the story about the time I almost blew up the kitchen… and that I didn’t understand how a vacuum worked… I dont often talk about what happened to get me in that halfway house… and I still wont… but I will say that something I decided to do whilst living there was make amends for some horrible things I had done… and I made some phone calls and I wrote some letters… and I took responsibility for my part of things… and I let go of things that weren’t mine… Oddly… one said thing was a barricade… you know the kind… Orange and white striped… flashing round light on top… I found the owner of Greenes construction company and returned the apartment decor I had been hauling around for about a year… Yeah.. That happened
2- “It gives me hope… and you cant put a price on hope”
28 years old… haven just given birth to my son… I lost 100 pounds.. ironically I had more to lose… and did not… also I gained about half of that back… but not before I starred in a weight loss commercial that aired on latenight TV for years for the supplement I used to help me… I would show it here… but I torched every copy of it in existence… Ever wonder about those ladies on the commercials? That happened.
3- Only 1 OSHA recordable that year…
I was on the safety committee for the company I worked for at the time… I flew to chicago for two weeks for training… at which point I was informed we had only one osha recordable that year… Some girl in Salt Lake City had fallen down a man hole…. unbeknownst to the trainer.. I was that girl… unfortunately… it was not unbeknownst to my colleagues… totally happened.
4- Ohhh There he is! do you want a mirror so you can see his head?
“IF YOU CAN SEE HIS HEAD… THEN YOU CAN GET HIM OUT OF ME… PULL HIM OUT!”
I could not make this shit up.
5 – Let’s do the timewarp again
During my divorce… I struggled alot… sometimes I drank those struggles away… One time I drank them and rallied my entire mormon neighborhood at 4 am to do the TimeWarp on my front lawn….
Some other time remind me to tell you the story about the time I camped out on Robert Englund’s lawn until he asked me to leave… I have a thing for Freddy…
Aug
05
2014
Plot Twist… I’m not dead.
It has been over a month since I posted about being sick… I didn’t have much energy to post about it… and I didn’t know what it was… only that it wasn’t going away. What I thought was a kidney infection I was told was not… so they did a CT scan looking for stones to explain the fevers and blood in my urine… They did not find stones but found Diverticulitis… which was odd… and I had not a single symptom of it that I should have…. 4 rounds of antibiotics that made me feel worse than the original complaint later… the fevers still did not stop… This called for another CT scan in which they found a clot in my spleen (infarction is the word… but its ugly… so I still say clot) … 1 colonoscopy later (in which they were able to see the diverticulitis was gone and did not appear to be cancer) I was sent to an infectious disease specialist… I tested positive for CMV… which is not super normal for someone like me with a normal immune (not recieveing cancer treatments not HIV positive) system to have issues with it… but I am not normal… we know this.. and the symptoms and diagnosis stuck.. and I appear to finally be on the mend… which leads me back to some normalcy in my life… hence the really boring blog update prior to my usual nothing I post about… so now you know… there you go 🙂
On a lighter note… earlier this year I wrote about a vacation I desperately wanted and I am happy to announce THIS is happening in ten days!
Carry on… let the chaos continue…
Jul
17
2014
Pure Joy…
You have brought me nothing but pure joy since that very first moment… Watching you grow… absorbing the world around you… inquisitive and delighted to learn… I’m reminded each day of the miracles you bring into my world.
As all mothers do… I have goals… dreams and wishes for you
Don’t ever apologize for who you are, for what you want, for how hard you have worked or where you are going in life. I don’t doubt you will work hard… but I can already see signs that you are quick to apologize… to back down. Don’t. You have learned this from me and I wish I could take it back… Stand your ground… be proud of you. Do not live to make others happy or to measure up to someone else’s expectations… Be Johnathon. This is enough.
I wish for the kind heart I see you in now to stay firmly in place… Keep it, nurture it, handle it with care. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you are too sensitive… You are the first to hold your step sister’s hand when she is scared… the first to run for the ice pack when someone is hurt… the first to panic when people fight because the fighting for no reason is perplexing to you… I couldn’t live without your affection and kindness.
Seek joy… Pure Joy… Every single day, find something that makes you happy and do it. Be it big or small – an act of kindness, listening to a song you love, calling a friend – it quite simply doesn’t matter. What matters is that you spend a portion of each day smiling and laughing.
Your dreams: do them. Your heart: follow it… Your family: treasure them… Your friends: be loyal to them… Your fears: embrace them and allow them to make you stronger… The money you earn: respect it… Your passion: LIVE IT.
I will always call you bug… buddy… neenerfan… angel boy. I am so proud to call you my son.
Today I am going to take you to attempt to get your learners permit and I am going to put you behind the wheel of a car… I feel like there is an energy… a force in you that I cannot slow down… or contain… I miss your small face… but your deep voice is such a sense of pride for me… you are such a fine young man. Happy Birthday my baby…. and many more.
Jul
14
2014
8 is great!
Watching you grow into the young girl that you are has been an amazing journey and I know that I am a huge part of that… I do not do this to win your affection … I do it because I love you with every part of my heart.
It’s amazing to me that you’re so grown up now… You are 8 already… Our 6.5 years flash before my eyes pretty regularly… looking back now your personality is still as precocious as it was from day one… yet you love so much more than I ever imagined you would I am convinced of this watching you attending to your sister with more heart than I thought you had…. You love so fiercely
My wish for you this year is simple… I hope that you always allow your wonderful self to shine… Do not let others tell you how to act or who to be… Do not let others let you waiver from your own path… Above all else… do not let anyone make you feel anything other than amazing… You are intelligent… sincere… empathetic… giving… creative… and oh so beautiful… I know that you have been blessed with everything you need in life to succeed and find happiness… This world is an amazing and challenging place… It is yours to savor… and navigate… Live each day with a sense of gratitude … I will be beside you every step of the way… I will hold your hand… cheer you on… pick you up… and watch you discover all that it means to be you… I love you pretty facey.
