Articles

… I may be bent… but I’m not Broken

It is writing prompt day again…

I thought perhaps I might try to make an actual post this week… you know… because I really haven’t most of the summer… Just little quips… pictures… and crazy to share… But this week I thought… well just maybe… lets see how it goes…. I am choosing “Tell us about something you broke.” … because as I read through the prompts this week I saw that indeed I had a story for each of them… But this one could go so many directions… Broken bones? Many… Broken cars… Like mine in the bottom of the off ramp embankment? … I have caught a vacuum and a blender on fire in the same week… I wish I were making this shit up… OH! I know! There was this one time I blew up a Kitchen…

I was 18 … Living in an adult halfway house (getting there and where I went from there is a completely different story) being the youngest by at least 6 years in the home I was tired of being treated like I wasn’t capable of anything… We all had different reasons for being there… The house chores were divided up by the facility managers and even they tended to treat me like a kid sister (you know… as an adult now… I should have savored it… instead of being offended by it) and after 3 months of vacuuming the upstairs living area everyday I went to them and told them that I thought their vacuum was broken… It wasn’t picking up even the smallest things any longer… They asked me if I had changed the bag… and I stared vacantly at them and inquired “What bag?” … “Where do you think all the stuff goes?” … Blink Blink … “into the vacuum”… Come on people I was 18… and based on where I was you can guess that I hadn’t really had a normal upbringing…. In fact… I can’t remember having ever vacuumed before this… another thing I had never actually done is cook anything that wasn’t made in a microwave… But it wouldn’t have done much for my self-esteem to point that out as they suggested we rotate jobs and I be in charge of setting up lunch … All I had to do was set out sandwich stuff … and warm soup on the stove… there were approximately 35 residents in the home… male and female… and it wouldn’t work to have all of them attempting make lunch at once… so setting up lunch in an assembly line was the answer… I stepped into the kitchen that day… and pulled a couple of Family Size Campbell’s Tomato soup cans from the pantry… found a large pot… and looked at the stove…. I had seen my mother use one of course… I had a general idea… I turned the knob with the matching diagram indicating it was to the burner I had set the pot on to medium… and went to the fridge to get all the sandwich fixings and condiments….  I smelled something… but again… it becomes very apparent that I hadn’t grown up like other people… because I didn’t know what it was… and just ignored it…. soon… Ray popped his head in and said “Whew… Smells like gas!”… I looked at him and him at the stove…. “Kerry, you have to light it for it to heat up” …. Blink… blink… “How do I light it?”….. he turned the knob unaware how long I had actually left it like that….. and the entire room lit up blue with a big WHOOSH… We lost arm hair… and eyebrows hair looked a little crisp and curled up on the end… but that was the day I learned what a gas stove was….and that was the last day they ever asked me to do anything in Kitchen… I was given back the vacuum that now miraculously picked things up again… and never… ever… lived it down.

… Arachnids on Crack

I found this… All proper credit is given… I just thought it deserved a republication!!!

Spiders On Drugs

Scientists at the United States National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) have turned their attention from the mysteries of the cosmos to a more esoteric area of research: what happens when you get a spider stoned. Their experiments have shown that common house spiders spin their webs in different ways according to the psychotropic drug they have been given. Nasa scientists believe the research demonstrates that web-spinning spiders can be used to test drugs because the more toxic the chemical, the more deformed was the web.

* Spiders on marijuana made a reasonable stab at spinning webs but appeared to lose concentration about half-way through.

* Those on Benzedrine – “speed” – spin their webs “with great gusto, but apparently without much planning leaving large holes”, according to New Scientist magazine.

* Caffeine, one of the most common drugs consumed by Britons in soft drinks, tea and coffee, makes spiders incapable of spinning anything better than a few threads strung together at random.

* On chloral hydrat, an ingredient of sleeping pills, spiders “drop off before they even get started”.

* See what happens to their mental state.

Start with a Drug Free Spider Web

Web created while exposed to Mescaline\Peyote

  

   Web created while exposed to LSD

Web created while exposed to Marijuana

    

    Web created exposed to Caffeine

Web created exposed to Benzedrine/Speed

    Web created exposed to Chloral Hydrat (sleeping pills)

I LOVE IT!!!

… I’d much rather just sleep with you…

1 am.. We have got to stop meeting like this… I’d much rather just sleep with you…

KERRY HAS FORGOTTEN what it was like to sleep.

It hadn’t been that long since she’d had sleep that she’d forget, surely… Nevertheless, she had.

She had memories of sleep.

Well … vague memories, anyway.

She vaguely remembered how good it felt to put her head down on the soft coolness of a pillow.

She vaguely remembered what it was like to feel as though she were melting into the comfort of a nice… soft mattress.

She vaguely remembered what it was like to get the covers just right so that she was warm where she wanted to be warm and cool where she wanted to be cool.

… The Never Ending Nipple

me:  Ummmm The universe wants to marry me, and wants me to have this ring.
Mr. Amazing:  Tell the Universe to fuck off, you’re taken
 me:  LMAO
Mr. Amazing:  But if the universe wants to give you a ring that’s different
 me:  I think it wants me to have that ring!!
Mr. Amazing:  .01 carat diamonds… 1% of a nice diamond
 me:  its a snake… did you miss that part… the snake…
Mr. Amazing:  black rhodium snake
 me:  It wants me to wear it!
Mr. Amazing:  
That’s what I want
 me:  That is awesome… but really… where would you wear that ROTFLMAO! Like giant bling on your chest to work?
Mr. Amazing:  I would wear it all the  time, I would call it a religious talisman and start to cry if someone asked about it and then stare up into the sky and fake meditate Latin words
 me:  ROTFLMAO!
 Mr. Amazing:  I want that now, I would wear it under my shirt and tell them it was my sacred necklace
 me:  I would get you a long enough chain that it would look like a nipple
a never ending nipple
 me:  If I had a tattoo gun… you would never be safe to sleep again… you would have oracle nipples
Mr. Amazing:  oracle? why oracle? what does that even mean?
 me:  The southern oracle… The two halves… Im naming your nipples
 Mr. Amazing: and why would you have a tatoo gun
 me:  it could happen
 Mr. Amazing  the Southern oracle that would be a bad ass tattoo
 me:  Your nip could be the eye
that opens and kills people if they are afraid, and they will all be afraid
Mr. Amazing:  LOL I would be afraid
Mr. Amazing:  I like that Auryn medallion, The universe wants me to have it
 me:  The universe speaks in mysterious ways
Mr. Amazing: yes, yes it does

Your Political Guide to Fast Food Restaurants…

Picture if you will… the moral dilemma I faced in 100 degree weather yesterday afternoon… As I ran to get lunch for some co-workers … They wanted Chick Fil A… Chick Fil A was filled with all kinds of appreciative customers… which I was not one (I had never actually been to a Chick Fil A) So I find it Ironic that the day I go requires me going against my stance on equality… bigotry… and Hate….

 

Or did it?

This Morning KFC came out in support of LGBT Equality… Well… damn… I hate their nasty food… where is the chicken equality…

People… I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried!

But Try we Shall….

McDonalds comes out in support of only homosexuals and denigrates the existence of heterosexuals
Burger King is for all forms of sexual attraction, including bisexual and autosexual
Subway only supports transgenders
Taco Bell is for lesbians only, duh (LMAO!)
Arbys suggests that anyone who sells meat between two buns can not really be against being Gay… and right they are….
The Sign Lies… Its not really delicious 🙂

 

… and then he was 13


“All children, except one, grow up. They soon know that they will grow up, and the way Wendy knew was this. One day when she was two years old she was playing in a garden, and she plucked another flower and ran with it to her mother. I suppose she must have looked rather delightful, for Mrs Darling put her hand to her heart and cried, ‘Oh, why can’t you remain like this for ever!’ This was all that passed between them on the subject, but henceforth Wendy knew that she must grow up. You always know after you are two. Two is the beginning of the end.”
― J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

Chimps gone wild! & Dinosaur Porn! … It Must be Friday!

This isn’t a real post… I like to think of it as more like a Public Service Announcement…. <Cue announcer voice> “We Will be interrupting the normal Friday nonsense for these…

 

 

 

 

 

 

Residents in Las Vegas warned again Chimpanzees on the loose…. Best headline ever… I guess what happens in Vegas rule doesn’t apply to Primates

 

 

 

 

 

 

Scientists rendered images of Dinosaurs having sex… really… apparently they have been working on this theory for decades…. WOW … well…. Just

look for yourself….  THANK YOU DAILY MAIL!

 

I couldn’t make this shit up…Well…. real life wins…..

 

 

 

 

 

 

and I win the interwebs!!!

 

P.s. If you are new here… its not always nonsense… I’ve been writing some pieces that are going up this next week that I am very Proud of… Stay Tuned.

Flavor Morphing Funday Friday…

… This is my one hundreth post… thats right… one zero.. zero…. 100…. unbelievable!!!!

To celebrate… Here is some complete nonsense…

Are you following me on twitter? No? I don’t blame you really, you’re not missing much… JUST THIS! (“This” is my live tweet of eating starbursts!!!)