Articles

Sep 27 2018

Darth Lumpious… The Tumor dressed in Star Wars attire.

Author: Kerry

Meet Darth Lumpious

A few weeks after the bone marrow biopsy I got what Dr Google convinced me was sciatica … which is pretty normal after such a procedure… however the weeks that followed slowly showed me that is not what it was… rapidly and uncomfortably this mass grew in my leg… I can talk about it now… because it is out. 48 hours ago they sliced me open and removed it… it shows characteristics of being benign…. meaning no tentacles or teeth id assume? although it would have made for a funner blog post if it had …. ha!

Created for the National Cancer Institute, http://www.cancer.gov

Darth Lumpious measured somewhere between the egg and the peach on this helpful little comparison chart.

We do not have the pathology back yet… but i’ll take the lack of teeth and tentacles as a good sign… I have good drugs… and a positive attitude and truly the most supportive loving tribe on the planet.

Mr Amazing has been by my side the whole time, and I am not always a model patient… I do not know what I would do without him. I cannot even begin to imagine what this has felt like for him… and he offers to help with everything while repeated being snarled at that I can do things myself… he still offers… I love him so much.

My Smalls have been helpful… and my tinies have been my comfort leading up to this.

My Charlie Bosephus… My favorite gift of all time and space from Mr Amazing has been the cutest side kick to recover with ever…

There is so much more to this story… and if I were not completely mind numb from pain pills I would entertain you with stories of the two surgeons who didnt want to touch it… and the two hour MRI where I was positive I was going to die in there…. and the Ultrasound tech who had no poker face… but I will save that and leave this as a simple update and record of whats happening in my world.

I am so grateful for everyone in my life… I cannot even begin to imagine what I have done to be so lucky to have them…. Life is good… the lump is gone

Aug 08 2018

Im just catching up with yesterday… By tomorrow… I should be ready for today…

Author: Kerry

I am home sick today… I woke up at 5 am with vomit in my mouth and ran for my pee slime covered toilet… next to my Charlie Bosephus’s litter box. Really an eye opener into the quality of my life .. but really things obviously have not changed that much. I literally laughed out loud typing that… and surely I will publish this.

I do not know how to bridge the gaps in my crazy story of a life… I last left off with I had started therapy… Im going to take one step further back and tell you about the time my “Fever of unknown origin” sent me to the ER… which then led me again to an infectious disease doctor… although I do not believe that is where my latest journey started… I believe wholeheartedly my journey started with CMV… a few years ago… and this is my second infectious disease doctor… It was in the beginning of march I went to his office… and I had been told I was the very first patient he had seen since arriving in the United States. So in he came… and started to question me about what had been going on… and I listed off for him the same ridiculous list of viruses I have been listing in previous posts… but shockingly… my fever had finally gone… as mysteriously as it had arrived 5 MONTHS PRIOR… and he looked at me and said. “So you are not sick now, I do not know what to do for you”… and guys… I lost it… I cried… this made this man extremely uncomfortable… so much so that he had to leave the room… but when he came back he was curious why I kept crying… and I told him that it was so awful… so awful that I was seeing a counselor over it.. that I was so tired… and my legs hurt so much… all the time… and I continued to cry… so he left the room again.

Then he did something. He hand wrote orders for a VERY specific blood test… that could only be given in a blood hospital… it was like a super secret blood hospital… but they wouldn’t do the test… because you see… I do not have aids… and security escorted me out of the special super secret agents of shield blood place. They sent me to another lab down the road who after an hour of calling around did the blood work required… blowing out a vein in my arm and spraying this young technician in blood making her look like a serial killer… it was gross… and then they didn’t refrigerate the blood like they were supposed too… and a week later I had to do it again.

30 days later this doctor… the first one to do something… called me… he said to me “I have found an immunologist that has agreed to take your case… he probably won’t be able to diagnose you… but he may be able to help you” i cried again and thanked him profusely… he told me that he had found a very serious problem in my blood work and I was very sick… his english was not perfect but he insisted that I was sick and if I felt sick, I needed to let myself be sick.

Two weeks later the Immunologist called and said he would be wasting my time bringing me in to see him… that I needed to go to the cancer hospital… as soon as possible… that I had an abundance of abnormal lymphocytes in my blood… and I needed to have a bone marrow biopsy… and be treated.

<cue the circus music> you can imagine what this did to our mental health. School ended and we took our annual trip to the lake… add 2 bouts of Hand Foot and Mouth and one VERY ugly bone marrow biopsy/harvesting and in the first week of june I sat in the Cancer Specialists Hematologists office for the results. I do not have Leukemia. The abnormal cells are not coming from my bone marrow.

<Cue the circus music again> July we celebrated birthdays. and another round of Hand Foot and Mouth.

Here we are in the first week of august, they have drawn blood again and I will see the immunologist finally in a few weeks when he has those results.

Today? Today I think I ate something bad last night for dinner, or have a quick coming and going stomach bug.

Small child got me a sprite and made me an egg before he went to work.

I called (okay texted) in sick.

I have not had a fever since March. Well not one of unknown origin at least… Hand Foot and Mouth brings one

I am still seeing the therapist, about once a month, to make sure I am not tanking mentally and emotionally.

I am slowly building my stamina up on energy… I am usually good for one outting a day… most days that is work… on the weekends… it is something a little more fun… and then I am on the couch or in bed other than that…. this last month I have been doing better… been up for a couple of outtings. Mr Amazing is doing all of the house work… grocery shopping… cooking. I would be completely lost without him.

I have asked my family in my home to be there for me … and they have… I have not reached out much beyond that other than a shoulder to cry on…. or usually scream my frustration into. and I have not been available for people reaching out to me for company or help. That is hard for me to swallow. But I have been honest about it. I am doing what I can. This is it.

Today I washed the puke out of my hair and blogged about it. This is progress. Not perfection.

 

 

Mar 21 2018

Do you wish you had died last week?

Author: Kerry

Once again… dear blog… you are where I process all things that I cannot contain in my brain… I’ve posted about my health (If not previously mentioned, add Staph, MRSA, Shingles, Algae, New Zealand Honey, and New pillows to the list of things going on at my house) Well… Then on top of those things… Small Child has moved out…My best friend… My survival strategy for all helpless feelings has moved out…. gotten a tattoo…. All that being said… and 3 months of a “fever of unknown origin” has led me to some measures in my life that I am quite proud to say I am taking…. First off – I am getting help. I LOVE Therapy… I always have… and at least five times in my adult life to process one traumatic event or another I have returned to therapy briefly to keep my self in check…. to check and make sure I am okay… well… this compounding year didn’t really have an event I could point to and blame and process…. in fact… it seems to be my new quality of life… and I found myself speaking words about not wanting to continue life.

Don’t Panic… I just put voice to things that we all think (if you are someone who feels and thinks too much that is) … and I took the appropriate steps… and I spoke to someone… and returned a few weeks later to check in… ready to tell her that I was okay… and I appreciated there being people to go to when I felt helpless…. when she looked me in the face and called “bullshit”

Then she posed a question to me…

Do you wish you had died last week? – I thought through the week, the unbreakable fever Saturday morning and Sunday evening, and then I thought about my time with the tinies… I reflected on it all… good and bad… and found to my relief… no I did not wish I had died last week.

But at the beginning of the week you stated you were done, not that you would ever do anything to hurt yourself, but you were okay with just being done – I reflected again… and realized I had been wrong in retrospect

Has anything truly changed in your feelings and mind set this week?  I thought that through and shook my head… no not really even though I was here to tell her I was okay and done seeing her… nothing had really changed… I had just taken the appropriate steps and safe guards… because that is what I do… I FORCE myself to do this…. I’ve been FORCING myself to do this my entire adult life.

Do you think if I asked you next week if you wished you had died… you would wish you had? So as I sit there… giving up…. being okay being done… having lived a good life…. I realized something… I most certainly would not wish I had died in a week.

So that is what we are going to focus on… and as she proceeded to explain to me that I was behaving and doing all the right things… EVERYTHING I SHOULD… my perspective was the issue… and you know what?

I felt something I had thought I had aged beyond… I felt those little blasts of neurons in my brain firing off as it adjusted to thinking in a way that it hadn’t before… you know what I mean… that feeling you get when you learn something new or try something new? it is far and few in between when you live this adventure of a life I do for as long as I have.

I’m sure if you are reading this and you know me at all… you wonder how someone who takes so much energy and time putting it into making life wonderful and being grateful for the beauty in it could still feel this way… Well its simple… I knew what I HAD to do… and I was doing it… I was FORCING myself to do what I had to do…. because as the saying goes…Fake it til you make it…. your feelings will catch up.

My Feelings Did Not.

I want you to try something new – So here we go, I am trying something new… rather than FORCING myself to do all of these things I do… and stuffed all of those rules in a mental container… and I am going to try doing things because I feel like it… rather than counting the hours I sleep to make sure I am taking care of myself and not letting myself go down the road of self destruction… and self sabotage… I am going to go to bed because I am tired. rather than forcing myself to eat exactly one serving of sweets… because I do not want to punish myself or deny myself or allow myself to eat the entire package … all these rules… Im going to eat what I feel like… as I feel like it… and rather than FORCE myself to only wash my hair as often as saving the environment or extending my color allows (come on… say it with me… we all have these rules) I am going to wash my hair because I want too… I am not going to watch the clock endlessly calculating every minute to make sure everything is taught… learned… taken care of… I am going to enforce bed time because I need her to go to sleep. 

Im going to try not caring… because I have turned caring into the most curious form of self abuse anyone has ever heard of…

That being said… If this doesn’t go well… or it seems like I do not “want” to do the things that I need to do to be a functional adult… we will try something new. She also said the first thing that escaped that mental container… was what really needed to be done… not my imaginary rules of conduct.

So at 5am this morning… I woke in a full panic… about the amount of junk in my house… and the order it is kept.

This is an ongoing battle for me that I shove way down deep because, Im lazy, Im tired, Im sick

Friday… the dumpster is coming.

because I do not care what people think, what is morally correct, whose feelings may or may not need taken care of, or whose responsibility it is.

I am dejunking because I want to.

Cue the Circus Music… Life is about to get interesting.

 

 

Dec 26 2017

Oh…. Hey There

Author: Kerry

Its been 2 months since i’ve written here… not uncommon I know…. but today… the day after Christmas… The house is quietish… and picked upish….. and i’m eating a piece of Pumpkin Pie with a pile of whip cream the size of my face … I figured it was time to catch up here… and prepare for a new year.

To say  the least…. this last year has been absolutely tragic. I’ve spent hours upon hours reading stories about the mass shooting in Vegas, Hangings in Mexico…  the natural disasters affecting multiple countries, and sexual assault cases that make me ill. It’s hard not to be affected or impacted — some of us much more so than others.

That’s why today I wanted to do something different.

Rather than go off on my personal opinions about each event that has transpired (because I think the entire social media world has got that covered)… I wanted to shift my focus to something more positive.

Some people may view it as selfish and some may not. However, the only thing that brings me joy and realization of my privilege in this world is gratitude.

As you (may or may not) know…  I LOVE CHRISTMAS. It’s a magical, mysterious, and unicorn-esque holiday that no one really seems to understand — but just know that it exists.

So, here are 12 things I am thankful for this Christmas –  2017

1. My health… Yes, Really.

This year has been a roller-coaster of emotion for my personal physical health. I’ve been in and out of blood work, some terribly intrusive procedures, and am currently rubbing special honey from New Zealand on yet another virus…. this time MRSA… I’m grateful that it is not worse. It can always be worse

2. My beautiful family

There is not much to say here other than I feel so extremely grateful to have the support system that I do. I love each and every one of my family members, and am so excited to grow old with one another… Tall Child and her Tinies make everything an adventure… Small Child and his mustache growing rebellion… Smallest child and her extended time with us now. The Perea’s with their black baby girl jesus in a manger on the porch… and well… if you don’t know betty… you just don’t understand 🙂

 

 

3. Genuine friendships

I’ve always had my core group of friends (whom I am eternally thankful for). This Christmas I got word the local food pantry was out of Toilet Paper…. Yes… Toilet Paper… The only budget I had left was my friends christmas gifts…. Guess what they all got for a gift this year…. a case of toilet paper… or socks and hard candy for the veterans gift bags… donated in their name … and you know what… they thanked me for it.

While at the food bank this little monkey got informed that if you don’t eat right… even santa will not deliver lucky charms… so we delivered those right to the food bank as well….

4. Being equipped to handle life’s’ obstacles

Okay, okay, it’s super hard for me to get through one blog post without bragging about Mr Amazing…. I have a very hard time with the amount of privilege we have with all that is going on in the world… in fact… it is hard not to wallow sometimes in the depravity of it all… So how do you tell the one you love so much that you really just do not want to have christmas at all? when his favorite thing to do is buy you gifts? Well… Let me show you just how amazing he is.

This company donates a pair of socks to the homeless for every pair sold… they also employ them.

This beautiful necklace was made by a sex slavery rescue… Named Rose. As a way to get her on her own feet and it is absolutely beautiful…

These lotto tickets were alot of fun…I won a weeks worth of water and meals for someone in need  With the purchase of this beautiful candle someone in Kenya without light received a solar light

 This Keychain was made by rescued woman in india… giving them work to keep them from sex slavery.

These bracelets were designed by displaced women in Northern Uganda … combating poverty.

These chocolates had a cause and were delicious! They were a donation to darfur.

This bag is what held it all… from buy the change… is designed with a hand written letter from a syrian girl who escaped the war… she escaped because she was able to find work at somewhere like this foundation… the words written on the bag are heart breaking… and yet I will carry it with me everywhere… and let people read it… they employ trafficked children and displaced women.

5. America. Just, being American. 

I love this country and every single thing about it. The beautiful nature, the welcoming people, and the diversity. I know we’re not all sunshine and rainbows — but we certainly are not what our government portrays us to be either.

6. Feeling safe

I am thankful and realize how privileged I am to be able to freely speak about the things I am passionate about. Not everyone can say that they have the opportunity to voice their opinion without fear of repercussions, but I am hopeful that one day we will all feel safe in our communities.

7. How talk has been about the importance of mental health

It’s truly refreshing to see how many people are now vocal about their personal experiences with mental health. This year has been a tough one — but it has also taught me that ignoring something so very important just isn’t an option. Thanks to all those who have been my rocks.

8. People who share deep and personal stories on the Internet

While we’re on this topic — I am so incredibly thankful for people who are bold enough to share their stories in a public forum for all to see. Stories that just 10 years ago would have been brushed under the rug or criticized. You’ve made it easier for everyone else, and I’m on board AF with your bravery.

9. Every opportunity I have been given career wise

Nothing should ever go under-appreciated, and I worry that sometimes we forget this when it comes to our day jobs. I am super grateful for every opportunity that comes my way.

10. Charlie Bosephis

Two weeks or so before Christmas Mr Amazing had to listen to me put my foot down… I was getting a kitten of my very own… I am 44 years old and have wanted one my whole life and god dammit I was going to get one… not some purebred savannah cat that he envisioned either… a rescue cat… and It was going to be all mine… and No one would stop me… That next day he went and got me the smallest weakest plainest close to death cat he could… and we ALL fell in love with her…. but mostly me… because she is mine… all mine… and I love her beyond words. Its hard to believe looking at her that she was under three pounds when she got here.. and scared to be put down… she definitely has tripled in size in just a few weeks… and is a basic menace to society… fits right in.

11. Strangers that go out of their way to do something nice

Rare, but so so so important. We see you, strangers.

12. Lastly, pumpkin pie.

Because I’m currently scarfing down a piece as I type this.

So Much LOVE AND LIGHT to everyone out there as we wrap up this year… 2018 will be what we make it… do not ever let complacency get in the way of decency. If you are going to complain… DO SOMETHING… and well… Be AMAZING! (like mr amazing).

There is still more good than bad… there is still happiness in the greif… there is still more love than hate.

And there is hope…. So Much Hope. (A Spark… Like StarWars taught ya!)

 

Aug 29 2017

Like sand in an hourglass… these are the times of my life.

Author: Kerry

Soooooo Im gonna write… because I have so much in my head that is just screaming to come out….

I survived the summer… and the arts festival….

The above is a brief photo tour… but let me tell you about it… First off I stayed home this summer (Well not really… ever) but I mean I was unemployed…. So I brought in a Foreign exchange student and did an art show… and had what was probably the most stressful, and greatest summer of my life…. Aina was the College aged student who came to stay with us, and it was kismet… she was like our child from another country…. she is 21 and we instantly fell in love with her. The last photo is all of us crying as we said goodbye.

Small Child enrolled in school… I did the art festival… in 103 degree weather… and marked that shit right off my bucket list. We spent time with family and friends… the two tiniest tinys turned 1 and 2… and well…. look through the photos… memories were made… and times that will forever be irreplaceable are in our hearts.

I was able to stay with my smallest step daughter… who possibly will be us full time going forward.. and it was something that I wouldnt change a thing about. (More on that later)

The kids started school… and this morning I accepted a state job in the office of education. This is a whole different world for me, as Ive always had a fast paced marketing world… but I am turning 44 next month and have nothing to show for it. The state will offer 401K and benefits and some stability. Leaving me to pursue my passion outside of work.

Currently ive stopped with the street art… im sure just for a few days honestly… Im sick again… double antibiotics who’s side effects are worse than the illness… but at the end of the ten days the infection will be gone…. Small child is in college… wtf…. smallest is in the 6th grade and my first tiny has started kindergarten.

September is coming… in 48 hours and for the first time in my adult life i welcome it (If september confuses you… browse september in the blog history)

I will start work… and I just now booked my first ever girls weekend… San Diego here we come!

Our final summer adventure was a trek to get into the path of totality for the eclipse (Cue the photo montage again…because im on antibiotics and cannot think straight to type)

I really dont know why some of those are upside down… but there you have it… it was the perfect ending to the perfect summer…. Perfect means all kinds of things to me…. especially now that it is over.

OH! also!… we stopped being renters in our home… and bought it

.

Lastly…. This happened last night… and I need to say something

Mr amazing has been so fucking amazing… I cannot even tell you how blessed I am… this picture shows you how blessed… You see that HUGE family? its ours… And well… I am so grateful for everyone in it… but Mr Amazing most of all… He is my best friend… my biggest fan… and the love of my life. He has brought more happiness into my life than I can even express and continues to do so on a daily basis. I tell him all the time, but I think day to day he forgets that they are not just words… He is the best thing thats ever happened to me… and I love him beyond measure.

Fini!

Jul 17 2017

Dear Johnathon

Author: Kerry

Dear Son,

Today you are a man… I feel like you’ve been one since before you even arrived but….In the eyes of the law, you are a man. I know, right? Weird? After all this time as a kid? But it’s true… You can vote… You can fight and die for your country.

These things don’t make you a man any more than your shoe size makes you a man… There are many so-called men out there wearing what amounts to clown shoes… They are not men… They are boys wearing the bodies of men… But let’s not dwell on them. I’m here to tell you what I think a man is. These are the things  important things in life.

 When you were small and we read stories together. Remember? Today I tell you the story of You… or the You I see in you. The seed of You that your father and I planted 18 years ago… the day you emerged and the day I first sang to you your Sunshine song.

You are a man because you’ve decided to be one

Is it really that simple? Can’t becoming a man be something more complicated, like finding the just the right shirt and wearing that man-shirt with just the right air of swagger that says to anybody who cares to look… “Hey there! I’m a man!”? Well, no. Sorry to say there is no man-shirt… No sign that you can paste to your forehead. Being a man is far more than looking the part. Man-ness comes from inside you.

So take a deep breath and decide once and for all to own your future, to claim your birthright as a brilliant star, and to walk the path that you create — you and your sweet magic in the jungle of rejection, mistrust, uncertainty, and misdirection.

If there is anything I’ve neglected to tell you enough times over the past 18 years, it’s this… You are a rebel. You were born for greatness. You were born to change worlds…  I tell you this because I know you. I made you…and although I’ve made many missteps along the path of my own life… you are not one of them.

You are here for a reason… Live your reason with every part of you… Don’t stop until your heart beats in time with the universe and you know you are magic.

What Sort of Man are you?

That’s up to you. Completely. Being a man… as I see it… is being your own man. Being your own man means not taking someone else’s path. It means standing up to people who try to tell you what to do or how to do it. It means saying no… maybe dozens of times a day. It means saying yes to what’s in your heart… even though your head says something else. It means knowing that your thoughts lie to you sometimes but your heart never will.

Being your own man means being a man of your word — saying what you will do and then showing you mean it by taking action. Being your own man means walking in tune with your unique and beautiful heartbeat. It means doing the right thing even though that thing may be scary…or difficult…or you think will piss people off…or even seems dangerous. You do it because it’s the right thing to do. You know it’s the right thing to do because your heart tells you so. Boys do what is easiest. Men do what is right.

Men are good.

A good man knows himself… first and foremost. He knows who he is and what his mission is. He knows his shadow side too. A good man enters the depths of his soul and stares his shadow in the face… to shine light upon what has lived in darkness. A good man treats others the way they would want to be treated. He is fair in word and action. He admits to being wrong when he is wrong… and he defends his values when they are attacked.

A good man knows how to love. He loves with his whole heart and he knows that vulnerability is not a sign of weakness but of strength. A good man tells the truth — his truth — and joyfully accepts the truths of others… knowing there is room for all. A good man lives for the joy of being alive and of knowing he is doing his best.  A good man constantly strives to be a better man.

A good man is a great man. And the world needs more great men. I believe you are a great man.

I LOVE YOU

There is truth in the saying that you cannot truly love others until and unless you love yourself. This phrase used to piss me off…but it was because I lived in denial of my self-hatred and wanted my love to count for something. Don’t let that be your legacy… instead… make love for yourself your top priority — always. You are an amazing being… a bright star.

 Maybe you don’t yet know your purpose. That’s okay.

I believe we are all here to love and be loved. So give of yourself generously… willingly…constantly. Wear your heart on the outside and let your love shine forth. It will be a beacon that calls other willing hearts to you. Yes… you will hurt sometimes. Yes… you will feel lonely sometimes. But let yourself love.

You’ve already lost some… you will lose more… what about sadness?

A great man has the wisdom to seek wise help when required. He knows he’s not an island and does not exist alone. A great man shines light on the shadow of his fears. He lets himself feel sad when there is something to feel sad about. He lets himself grieve what was lost and what might have been, but does not become lost in the loss and the might-have-been. He channels his anger into a force to be reckoned with…. for good

 

Choose to feel everything… then align yourself with joy
 
Find your community.

I believe we are all sparks of the divine. Remember the sacred places inside you and use them as your your inner compass. Spark your inner fire so that you may be a lighthouse for others to follow when their own lights dim.

There is god in you… A Light…  I see it even if you yet do not. Know it is there and remember it on those dark days and nights when nothing seems right and you feel lost. Remember the spark inside you — it’s light will never fully dim.

I believe in you, son. I believe in your heart, your wisdom, and your courage. I believe in the path you now claim that lies before you. I love you like the sun and I am deeply proud of the boy you have been and equally proud of the man you are becoming. A good man. A great man. It begins today. The world needs you.

 

I need you.

Mom

Jul 14 2017

Happy Birthday Miss B!!

Author: Kerry

Today is celebrating you. It’s your day. It’s the day you met the world. Remember that celebrating you today isn’t simply about streamers… balloons… and presents. It also means creating space to think about your life…who you are… and who you want to be.

I have dreams for you… my step daughter… wishes for you that birthdays bring to the surface. I have messages I want you to hear from me… sometimes very clearly in word like today but always very clearly in my ordinary conversations and interactions.

I want hope for you. I want you to know that you always have hope no matter what… that you are never stuck where you are… hope that there is always another opportunity… always a way… that there is not simply always a “better” but there is always a “best” that you are moving towards.

I want meaning and purpose for you.When you wonder and you wander, I want you to remember that there is never a day—never a moment—that is without meaning and purpose for you.

I want joy for you. I want your heart to be filled with joy to the point of overwhelming. And… when it is not… I want you to choose to go fill it again.

I want connection for you. You were made for relationship; it’s how you are wired. I want you to fill your life with others to both serve them and be served by them. Within those relationships, I want you to experience beauty over and over and a picture of what it means to be in relationship with someone that is like your daddy… someone who knows how to love without bounds.

I want inspiration for you. I want you to be able to stop moving and stop doing long enough to be notice the amazing around you. I want you to not feel like you are competing with others but that you are inspired by them to press on in the unique path set before you.

I want kindness for you. I want you to seek to do good towards others without cause or reason not because it’s the right thing to do—though it is—but because you know what it feels like to receive undeserved kindness and that your response to the kindness you have been shown both from others and even me would simply give you a spirit of kindness towards others.

I want victory for you. I take great pleasure in having a front row seat to your success, my love. And… I know you will succeed in so much. But… you will taste failure … lots. It is what we call inevitable; life isn’t life without the experience of failure. You are not perfect; and…  failure will come in the context of performance and in the context of relationship. It’s unavoidable.

I want gratitude for you. In all situations, every day… when things are hard…when things are not… when you are energized and excited… when you are tired and feel unable to go on… when you cannot help but smile… when you want to rest your head on your arms and not move… no matter what… I want you to be able to call out the good and see that you are blessed.

These are the messages I want you to hear as we celebrate you today and dream about the young woman you are becoming. And… you know what? They are the messages I need you to read over and over until you know what each word means. And… then I am inviting you now to remind me of them when I need reminding. I may seem old to you… and maybe I sort of am. But… I’m not too old to want big things for me too…to not only be better but be the best I can be too. And, I think life gave you to me to help me get there.

I Love You!

Jul 08 2017

Dear Tall Child… Your birthday is not in July…. Sooooo I suck at your letter writing

Author: Kerry

But here it is in July

To my angel girl,

As I sat in here writing this morning,,,  I was filled with panic when as I realized because your birthday is not in the same week as your two siblings I often forget to write for you…. when you are usually my inspiration and  I began to think about all the things I fear. I think what I fear the most would be losing my memory and not knowing who Mr. Amazing and my smalls are… or not recognizing my grandchildren. I was filled with dread… imagining a situation where I wouldn’t know who I really was. You guys are who I am

I think what I fear the most would be losing my memory…To me…this would be worse than death. For death is a final ending of life on this earth, and the continuation of the soul’s journey. But being alive and not knowing those who love you and those who you once loved—that was too hard to imagine.

Suddenly I decided you were an adult and I could write your letter anytime. I smiled with relief—The words were just lying there dormant… and needed to come to the surface… SO MANY WORDS!

And even though I wonder: what if this really was the beginning of a mental deterioration that… once started… could only progress? I realized that since we never know what is in store… we must take the time now to say the things we don’t want left unsaid. And so, my dear daughter!

Know that more than anything else… I wanted to be a mother. The longer I had to wait… and the weirder way children came into my life…the more I knew how important it was to me. When you came to my home I was never happier to be home… playing..  cooking (HA! I cooked!)… reading (DUMBLEDORE DIED)… singing or dancing with you. I always hoped you knew that in my life you all came first. Ahead of work… Mario… Everything…. I was proud of the fact that…  while we did not always have as much material wealth back then… we were able to get by…  and hopefully you were all content with the fact that there was never a day that I wouldn’t have given everything I owned up… Just to have you come to me.

Know that I am proud of you… Everyday. Of your accomplishments and achievements, but more importantly… of who you have become in life. Not what you do… but who you are. Your caring for others … your sensitivities to those around you… your love and compassion.

Know that I realize I made mistakes… Sometimes I pushed too hard…sometimes I did not push nearly enough. I may have seemed distant at times…  usually because I was preoccupied with concern for another of your siblings. Sometimes it may have seemed that one or another of you got all the attention… and you were left on your own. Though I do not really think any of you were loved with any less intensity…I imagine you may have felt neglected or unimportant when my attentions seemed focused elsewhere.

I have been blessed to see you grow and find your way in life. We have watched you stumble… and tried hard to let you trip and fall but still be there to help Band-Aid your cuts… The hardest thing for a parent to do is to let go… Your midnight call from Idaho helped with that (Bahahahaha – Im in Idaho… because what are you gonna do? ground me?)

When I light candles and meditate I plead with the Universe to watch over each of you…  your babies daddy… and your children… I know that in the chain of our untraditional relations I am but a small link. But that link connects me with you and it connects you and your children as it continues through time.

But if you did not know it before… then I trust you will know now that you are the greatest gift given to me in this world.

I’m sorry that I gave you a heart stronger than a bear….  because it will take you years to learn that not everyone loves like you do. I am constantly in admiration of your desire to help others and I know that you’ve felt the sting of being used… hold onto to your generosity against those who only know how to take.

I’m sorry that you see only the good in everyone.

Sorry … not sorry.

I wish that I could instill all of my lessons into you… but I know that you needed to learn on your own. I can spend days with you in the moonlight telling you life’s truths, but in the end my experiences won’t necessarily become yours.

I’m sorry that you feel everything as deeply as you do.

There are caverns inside of your soul that ache to feel everything that this life has to offer. I can see the way that you feel compassion for strangers… and how you sometimes just stop to look at me as if I hung the stars in the sky… yep… I’ve seen it! don’t deny it!

I can see the way that you are brimming with the ability to feel the world around you and with it… all of the heartache and magic it can offer.

You might have moments where you wish that this wasn’t so,,, and while I’m sorry that I have given this quality to you… it’s a gift.

And so.. while I am sorry (not sorry) that you are so much like me… I also couldn’t be more proud of you.

I see the way that you forgive everyone around you without a second thought… and how you already have learned to stick up for yourself and your needs.

I see the way that you’re already so much smarter than I was…so much better equipped to handle the ways of the world… and in those instances… I know that there is no doubt you will one day learn how to use your wings. Because you’re my angel.

 

You are so much more… my warrior princess… my fairy… and most of all…my heart.

As you grew older…  the world began to tell you that magic doesn’t exist… and while I know that you may have your faith in “fairies” tested… I hope that you continue to wish on falling stars and believe in all that is unseen in this world.

“Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it.” ~ Roald Dahl

I’m sorry that you are so much like me… but only because I know how hard this world will try to change you and at times break you. But more than anything else… I love you more than there are stars in the sky.

So, while every day you may strive to show how different you are from me… there is no doubt—nor has there ever been—that you are my angel girl… my daughter.

And I couldn’t be more proud of that fact.

You know your sweet babies are the light of my life… My failure to mention them was only because I wanted this to be for you… I fucking love you.

Mom

May 16 2017

And then… Somewhere in the Midst of the Crazy… I remembered I had a Blog

Author: Kerry

Sooooo I think I only remember to write when I think I am dying…. So naturally this blog post comes after yet another nasty bout of infections …. Kidney and Sinus…. See my previous posts about CMV and learning I have no antibodies…. but I realized that I have shared my latest (Over the last year) fascination with street art…. and Ive posted so much about my #FairyCity and Fairy doors… well… this year I managed a #ThoughtBubble series… and its been all kinds of fun… Here are some of the pieces.

It has been so fun to place these and watch the few people ive caught looking at them… I ofcourse enjoy painting them more than anything else… But the real story of the year continues to be the magic happening behind the library here in town…. it has slowly become a community art project… people are adding to my little fairy city… home made fairies… rearranging the magic back there… upkeeping it for me… and well…. Its kind of magic.

 

I have so much more to say but its been so long since ive pulled out my old friend to write on that it has a million updates to install and is about to restart itself upon finishing its OS update… So I will leave this here for now…. But I am here! and I feel my time to write is resurfacing…. Love Love Love!

Mar 13 2017

Like Disappearing Reappearing Ink… Kinda

Author: Kerry

Soooo I havent blogged again… by now if you read my blog you know that if I am not blogging I am painting…. and its Fairy Season…. Hence the Disappearing act…. but you guys… so much magic is happening… SOOOO MUCH! I would encourage you to follow me on instagram which is where I am posting this madness of a street art project… because seriously… Im @SMIFFBIB ofcourse…. at least check out the hashtag Fairy City