My younger years….
My Teen Years …
Motherhood …
Divorce ….
Finding my strength again…
Meeting Mr. Amazing…
I have to wonder what song will be next… any suggestions for what it is??
This was prompted by… Thanks!!! 
May
17
2012
smiffbib
socially acceptable f@#% off!
Articles
May
15
2012
Why he is Named Mr. Amazing… (I hope this makes the rest of you want to throw up a little)
This isn’t a real post… its more of a thought capture inspired by the comments of my spouses nick name… Mr Amazing… I get super mushy when I’m sleepy… I think the funniest thing about this whole post… Is I just became… “that girl”… you know.. that girl.. that publicly does stuff like this…
…You wake up at all hours to help me through the times that I can’t sleep…. You change tactics and approaches, and find ways to comfort me in the middle of the night so that I can get some sleep … We are both sleep deprived and if not for the help of tea/coffee we would be asleep on our feet…. I am so lucky to have someone who experiences everything right alongside me…. I never feel as if I am doing it all…. Have I thanked you for that? Thank you… Thank you for doing so incredibly much… When I said I do, I meant it for life… You taught me that even I am capable of really loving someone unconditionally… You have loved me through my ups and downs and I have loved you through yours. We fit together so perfectly how could I NOT believe that I was made for you and you were made for me? Thank you for being exactly who you are because for me… you are perfect…. I hope that you know how much I appreciate all that you do for our little family… how hard you work to support us… and how much of yourself you give to us… I love you more today than I did yesterday… it happens everyday…. You make me feel safe… loved… and appreciated…. Sure we argue… we panic… we aren’t perfect… but I believe that we grow more resiliant from it… from the communication that comes from it…. You taught me that…I love our life and the family we have become…. I know we will grow old together…
May
08
2012
… Mother’s Day…
I remember when I found out I couldn’t have children… as all my friends were starting families…Holding precious little bundles… I remember being so sad… Because all I wanted was to be a mother… and crying each year … I remember when I became a mother (OH! There is another post there… And to think I had nothing left to write about when I started this)… Because they were wrong… and I had a little blue perfect bundle of my own… And I really came to understand what love was… and what life was about.. and who I really was… And he stared at me with adoring eyes that lit up whenever I entered the room… and when he told me he wanted to marry me when he grew up (he was two) and when he started to call me Yaya (Not momma, not my child apparently)… it turned to mommy… he laughed with me… he played with me.. he stuck lipstick up my nose and in my ears when I dozed off… Mothers Day! I loved it…
Then I became a Mother again … To a teenager… a broken little girl… who I had the honor of witnessing her mending… and thanked my lucky stars everyday for having been blessed with her … I couldn’t imagine life without her… And I accepted it, and I let it happen… and I was spoiled on Mother’s day each year… With mothers rings… and candles and incents… bubble baths… bathrobes…
Then there was the Mothers day… Towards the End with the father… He tried.. In his drunken, prescription pill induced haze to recreate any kind of goodness… He bought my favorite movie (I had pleaded for it.. and the time to watch it)… but when that time came… I couldn’t let him take the children… I couldn’t trust him with them… Not to drive… He grabbed them both… as I screamed in terror and fury after him… not to take them (They were so confused… they didn’t understand what was happening… only that I had lost my mind at this point… They didn’t know there was anything wrong with him… this was how they knew him… I had tried to protect them from knowing the truth… and now they didn’t understand)…. 16 and 6 years old… and he took them, I… in a heap of tears… and disappeared for two hours… I never watched the movie… I stayed on the floor… by the door until he brought them back… and I made him leave. That was the end… I know that now… It dragged on so much longer, but I knew at that point… He had taken my children
… And Mothers Day became something new…Mothers day became a day to celebrate children.. And the miracle of them… and my right… My RIGHT… to keep them safe, and be loved, and not about candles, rings, bubble baths… time alone… It became my day to remember how grateful I am for my children… And all children… and how magical they are… Suddenly Mothers day contained no pity… no anger… no self justified righteousness about being appreciated… and spoiled…. It became about the miracle of life…
I have had three momentous mothers’ days since that turning point…. … Mother’s day is the day I had my little sister’s children three years ago… because she wasn’t alive enough to be their mother that day… I was so grateful for the lesson that brought me… that I wasn’t the drunk sister, and I wasn’t the sister lying in a bed on life support… I was surrounded by all these small faces and fed all these mouths a breakfast I prepared! Not laid in bed and was served… and was so grateful….
Two mother’s day ago… My favorite gift ever from my Son (the one miracle I actually gave birth too)… He was so sad… Because his father was so cruel… he didn’t help him.. he had nothing to give… and I woke up to a small hand written note… with all the pennies he could find in his several hiding places (it was about a dollar and a half)… The note read… “Mommy, I love you… me love you long time (ha ha! He had heard this phrase)… Happy Mother’s Day”…. And all the change was wrapped up in it (This note still hangs on my fridge… I giggle each time I see it)… ;And I cried and cried, and hugged him and hugged him… and this was the year his sister decided to have three dates on Mother’s day rather than see me or call… I got a text… And it hurt at the time, but honestly, I must have done something right with her.. she was off and living her own life, independently…. Don’t worry… This is followed by my next favorite gift… Which I received last year (She was so terrified of missing it… I might have tortured her for her thoughtlessness) and the promise of a visit… on the right day…. (I’m not holding my breath)… and the favorite part of this gift was she was on her two feet, after the year she has had… and facing her own first mother’s day… even though she has buried her angel… and she thought of me… Just me…
I have several children who wish me Happy Mother’s Day besides my two (including my newest little addition courtesy of Mr. amazing I Now have Tall child, small child… and smallest child)… and I have several mothers I call besides my own and including my own!… and in the divorce decree… I get my son… And he will never again push me down, and take my babies… and I will hold and hug anyone elses babies who were blessed with the ability to birth them… but too lost to take care of them.. who need me too…. Mother’s Day… its really children’s day.
I don’t know who is reading this… I don’t know who continues to read my ramblings and rants… These can’t mean something to anyone but me… But I write them, because I Live Them… and it means something to me…
Topic source from my fav place 🙂
May
03
2012
You’re welcome to read this…. I don’t have much to offer other than fried chicken
The lie I tell most often? “I’m not good enough”…
And “I have fried chicken”… I don’t really have fried chicken …. What I do have is this story instead.
I don’t really know where to start… at the beginning of the school year I gave my son the silent treatment for the first time although… this is not the first time he has done this… so before you judge my tactics…. he is a master of his art…. Shaggy blonde hair… innocent blue eyes… Looking up at me through those glasses I saved up for so that he would not be unstylish in Jr. High… While standing next to his viola that I rent (not just one, but two .. so he doesn’t have to carry it to school everyday) … and a hand on his keyboard (nice keyboard)… “I Practiced mom” and I glance down at his voice recorder, that is obviously not plugged in… and no chair is pushed up to the keyboard… no music on the stand … My eyes make their way to the bag that holds all of his music books (I couldn’t even begin to recall what I have invested in those) … zipped shut.. untouched… And look back at him and suggest he try a difference response… he chokes and sputters a little… I shut his door and leave him to his practicing … and head to my bedroom… I close my door, giving myself a timeout… Before I drive him in complete silence to his lessons (155$ monthly) … and he doesn’t break… The conflict in his mind is almost palpable… He is not going to burst into tears and apologize… he is too old for that … and I am not going to let it go… Calmly I turn to him and tell him I am not friends with liars… and so he can’t expect me to be friendly… I tell him to think of his own punishment… and it better hurt… He suggests no Netflix for a month… I scoff at him… With his schedule (that he chooses, good god please don’t start on me for pushing him too hard… I promise you I don’t have that kind of energy… this is him) There is no TV… and he doesn’t care… He then tries video games… again I scoff and suggest we find a new home for his fish (poor things died this winter anyways)… Tears! oh… almost over the rim.. is he going to break? … nope… He suggests giving up his Halloween Plans… this seems feasible to me… A few tears roll over his cheek and we agree… I don’t launch into the whole single mom bit… it obviously didn’t work last time… I don’t launch into that everything in my life I do… I do for him… So he can have these lessons he wants so badly… And these instruments… Instead I inform him that he could possibly end up a serial killer… Yes yes… I did… And I asked him if it was easier to lie to me this time… was that sick feeling is his stomach easing up… and if so… what would he have to do to get it back… I told him guilt was his friend… and he better embrace it… because if he didn’t feel it… he would be capable of horrible things… this scared him a little…
This post was inspired by… if not really done as prompted by Mama Kat’s prompt: List a lie that you consistently tell….
May
02
2012
*cough*bullshit*cough*
It’s been a couple of weeks now… since the onset… quite a long run for me of not wanting to get out of bed… not being able to engage in conversation with my loved ones… feeling like I am looking at life through some kind of film.. or screen… or transparent shell…. Not sleeping … not really able to focus on anything… a book… a movie… a game..
…and I wanted to write about this pit I seem to have willingly or unwillingly flung myself into… because it is on the list of cures… you know them right? call a friend… relax… take a bath… exercise… walk … work in the garden… paint… play music…These cures to fix these hours and hours of self loathing… personal berating… tears that come even when I sleep… which hasn’t been a lot… because whether this be depression… or anxiety… or insomnia… they are all lovers of each other… and are combined in one mess… and it manifests itself onto others as words not meant to sounds that harsh… and frustrations… and exasperation… and unhappiness that simply aren’t real
…. So I sat here and prepared to get it all down and out… and talk about it… and then I looked around … and saw everyone else writing about it… The Bloggess as usual (usual=althefuckingways) … says it best … Even the Headologist tweets today about feeling so sad bastardy… and I found myself wondering what the hell is going on? I mean… the sun is shining in most areas… it is spring… the winter blahs are supposed to have dissipated…
And I thought maybe… just maybe… I should not dwell on it… and continue to breathe… and wait… and I took out the headphones that had music that perfectly expressed those feelings… I might have to feel them… but I am done embracing them for now… and I will wait… And I will even spare you the “this too shall pass” and “learn to dance in the rain” *cough*bullshit*cough* … I will leave you with the one thing… that always… no matter how far I am away from real… helps..
Honestly.. I couldn’t even tell you why …
May
01
2012
… Have you hugged a local occupier today? Happy May Day!
I will be heading into work this morning… I do not have the funds… nor the job security to call in sick today….. I am a coward… With mouths to feed and a roof over heads to maintain… and I don’t think anyone truly holds that against me…. I am so grateful for those in a position to be there protesting today…
I will be participating in the: no shopping, no banking, not pumping a damn drop of gas today…. And I will hug the first Occupier I see!!!
Apr
21
2012
… That didnt go exactly as planned… sigh.
Picture if you will… the night I ran out of bed in my sleep…. The first time successfully since being married… Mr. Amazing caught me… but not before my hands were on the ground in the two foot distance between my side of the bed and the wall… My legs tangled into some mess of halfway still on the bed… and knees touching the carpet… Mr. Amazing has me by the shirt… and quickly scoops an arm around my waste pulling me back into bed… back into his arms… and back to sleep…. Picture if you will the next two weeks of me pretending nothing is wrong… that maybe it is arthritis showing up.. the weather is all over the place… and they did say when I got older the knees would suffer from that roll over… or that time I was hit by the car…. But I finally decided to have it checked… you know… make sure it’s not some bone cancer hanging out there or something…. skip forward a couple of office visits… because the knee and its injury is not the story here…
Picture if you will… Mr. Amazings sister… (she is going to need a name… hmmmph… lets call her crazy pants… because thats what I call Mr amazing when he wears my penguin pajama pants… and well… its his little sister… whom is the object of much adoration from all of us…)
Picture if you will … Crazy Pants and Small Child coming along… because they gave me a Valium to get through the MRI… and require me to have a ride home… I pop said little pill… and don’t really feel anything but calm…. I lay in the white chamber… comfy and the voice in my ear says they will play me some music and its okay if I doze off… and I laugh to myself… because this machine makes crazy electronic noises… and jiggle randomly… and I’m an insomniac… and ….
SCREAMING!!!! the screams seem to be coming from my toes and traveling up and out my mouth for the range on them…. Flailing of untethered limbs… the face of a very distraught… bordering on terrified imaging technician… more of them entering the room swiftly…. sudden awareness of where I am and what must have happened slams into my thoughts… like my face hitting a wall… I leap off the table… ask if they got the MRI done… they did… I assure them I am fine… and walk past them all to get dressed again…
They stand outside my changing room… are you okay.. how do you feel… are you doing okay…. I am trying to reassure them at record pace… quickly before they decide they are going to tell crazy pants… who has no idea… I get out into the waiting area quick as I can… and there is the very shaken looking imaging tech telling her not to leave me alone… make sure if I sleep someone is right there… he thinks it is the Valium… he doesn’t know this who I am… Crazy Pants looks terrified as we walk to the car… I try to laugh… I try to joke it off… I tell her “you should have seen their faces”… and laugh… I’m already dialing Mr. Amazing… forcing him to tell her I am okay… and can be left alone…. All I want is to be left alone to process this…
Its been two days… I still cry every time I think about it… I can’t sleep…
I have a sick sense of humor about it all…
Apr
16
2012
… Saved your LIFE!!!
No Really… I’m not opposed to you living out your days trying to repay the debt… in fact… I encourage it…
Clicking on that little Icon will take you to the website that will save your life when the Zombies come… Typing in your zip code will tell you where to go for your best chance of survival… Such as Liquor stores (HA!) … Gun Stores… Grocery Stores… It will also tell you where the most Zombies will probably be… based on Population.. and wide open areas…
You’re Welcome!
Apr
16
2012
Adult Night Terrors Revisted
Night terror
Definition – Night terrors are a sleep disorder in which a person quickly awakens from sleep in a terrified state.
Causes, incidence, and risk factors – Night terrors (sleep terrors) occur during deep sleep, usually during the first third of thenight. The cause is unknown but night terrors may be triggered by fever, lack of sleep, or periods of emotional tension, stress, or conflict. – In contrast, nightmares are more common in the early morning. They may occur after someone watches frightening movies/TV shows or has an emotional experience. A person may remember the details of a dream upon awakening, and will not be disoriented after the episode. – Night terrors are most common in boys ages 5 – 7, although they also can occur in girls. They are fairly common in children ages 3 – 7, and much less common after that. Night terrors may run in families. They can occur in adults, especially with emotional tension.
http://www.healthcentral.com/
They come in waves… As stated above they are common when there is a lot of emotional tension… I have them almost nightly lately it seems… I bolt upright confused, and then immediately embarrassed…. I scream out sometimes…. I have been known to run out of bed… or run out into the living room before realizing I am awake…I am always confused by how I got from where I was when my eyes were closed to where I am upon opening them… I hate feeling weak, they leave me gripped in such terror that it can take a long time to unwind my muscles again, pull my shoulders down from my ears, work out the “Charlie Horses” in my calves… Uncurl my toes, Unfold my arms from around my stomach…. Breathe deeply instead of quick and Shallow…. There are times I go months without them, there are times I have actually normal nightmares where I am being chased, or drowned by a tidal wave…. But mostly, Mostly it is these terrors, repeats of things I have experienced in real life, in short flash like images, .. Being held down… Being hit… the car rolling… Lifeless baby… a fist at my face… a fist at someone elses face… Faces distorted by a noose, in a casket… Blood, Emergency rooms… Life light helicopters… Trying to break car windows… Screaming her name hoping to wake her up… Different Homes… Different beds… all the places I have slept… Him jumping through the glass on the ninth floor of Artec… My grandpa passing away… Other peoples nightmares that they have shared with me… Over and Over again…. Sometimes I reach out… Sometimes I try to run away… Sometimes I cry because its just sad… Sometimes I am so afraid I don’t sleep again… Sometimes I don’t fully wake up at all and hear about it the next morning… Sometimes I wish they would stop… But mostly, They just are…
Apr
15
2012
If my Body was the Hunger Games… The odds are not in my Knees favor
So if you haven’t read the other posts on this blog… You’re probably going to have to read this to have this make some sense… For those of you in a hurry… or lacking the ambition to research my bizarre history.. Lets just sum it up… I get injured a lot… More than most… and well… I hate doctors… and usually do the exact opposite of what they tell me to do… So picture if you will…. Wednesday before Easter I give into unbelievable nagging pain in my left knee … This isn’t really new… my knees have struggled since rolling my car down an embankment… even before that really, when that same knee was hit by the car trying to hit me and take my purse… or even the multiple times that I have woken up on the floor after having a night terror and running out of bed, usually the impact is what wakes me up… oh… and I’m fat… So if my body were the hunger games… the odds are not in my knees favor…. Well, It was time to have it checked as walking was becoming impossible… so much for pretending it wasnt happening… So I went… He wiggled both my knees… told me I was probably getting arthritis from the accident… but that the left one was very loose and he believed there was a tear, he wrote me a prescription for pain pills, which I made him exchange for something non narcotic… because… I hate feeling drugged and an anti inflammatory that was safe for my ulcer and referred me to an orthopedic office… which I through the contact info on the floor of my car… and refused the offered brace… and drove away figuring it would take care of itself and I would take the medicine to get through the day and go on my stubborn ass way… because that’s what I do…. Fast forward through the next week… starting with by the end of the night I cannot walk any more, and am so miserable I am in tears and icing it with frozen brown rice… I love brown rice…. soon that time creeps up to after work… then lunch time… then Friday morning… I am walking up the stairs to work.. after being off the knee for a full 10 hours… and It is so painful to climb those stairs that I call the orthopedic and make an appointment for first thing monday morning… stubbornness is replaced by fear… My knee is so stiff and swollen that it is impossible to sleep without pain pills… I’m trying to keep myself down but the dull ache is like the root of a tooth dying in your mouth… throbbing… and painful… Ice helps for a bit… the pain pill helps for a bit… it just adds to my natural .. or unnatural according to some need to be on the move… and pick up… and clean counters… and vacuum or go for a drive.. or visit friends… But I am trying… Mr. Amazing is being more than amazing, he has probably worked 80 hours this last week, and has the smallest child giving him a run for his money, yet he is taking care of me, demanding me to stay off it, helping with dinner, doing all the laundry… He earned his nickname for a reason… So this laptop is propped up on my good knee… good for how long who knows… and the bad one is laid out in front of me… the throb agitating me to the point of a thin sheen of sweat over my forehead… and I turn to the one thing that always makes me feel better… writing.. even if it’s not something that will particularly entertain you as you read it…