You know, I was 26 when you were born… And now that you are 24… I would like to tell you that the last 24 years of my life were the best years of my life.
It amazes me how time flies… To be honest… I have never wanted you to grow old. Selfish I know… But, look at you! You’re all grown up. Even to this day, I have not gotten over the fact that you are now an adult… ready to take on the world… I mean I bought you underwear and socks for your birthday still! Forgive my possessiveness, but I guess every mommy feels that way.
When you were born, you weighed a whopping 5lb. You were a very ornery baby… BUT every time you smiled…. you had this magical glint in your eyes that melted my heart. When your daddy first held you in his arms, I remember him telling me, “I made this.”
He was so proud of you! So am I, So is the BFG. You have grown up exactly the way we wanted you to… a strong… independent (yes this means stubborn) Soul. You always surprised us as a kid. You would do things without much nudging and still come up with solutions.
We are sure you will be able to handle the pressures of life with dedication as you always did in every circumstance. You can rest assured that your tribe will always have your back. Be kind and work hard. Remember what is important… Protect that same magical glint in the eye you have passed onto Sam… OH SAMMY!!! Everything will be okay Johnathon… it will… nothing will ever go as planned… but no one is more loved than you… and I know that you love that boy just as much…. He is so lucky… we all are to have you….
With the world today it is so hard to give advice… it is such a different world than I could have ever imagined…. but know this… I believe in you… I love you… and I wish you the very Happiest of Birthdays!!
We’ve all heard it before. “I hope you get one just like you.” It was usually said during a battle of wills or after a trip to the principal’s office or “making out with the foreign exchange student” and more than likely… muttered under their breath like a curse. Just wait for what? Super sweet baby snuggles? Adorable sleepy smiles? Nope.
Revenge in the form of a tiny version of yourself.
So instead of rolling my eyes… I respond the latest parenting woe by saying, “you were just like that,” … I remember how they handled it or how I wished they had handled it… Instead of feeling uncomfortable with having a mirror reflect my least favorite qualities back at me… I confront them and try to understand why we all cry when we’re frustrated or shut people out when they hurt us… And when they (the grandbabies) stand their ground and refuse to back down… I silently applaud their tenacity and calmly inform them that they’re going up against the masters of tenacity (These young parents got it from ME!) and they might want to check themselves before they wreck themselves.
Maybe it is not a curse after all…
Have you ever noticed a look of resignation on a child’s face? That moment when a grandchild gives in, and does what the parents say. You can tell that submission isn’t easy. Something happens in the shoulders. The head may droop. The step may be slow.
Go to bed now, young lady.
Rise and shine, it’s time for school.
Brush your teeth. Right now.
Two more bites of beans, or no dessert.
Hug your sister. She didn’t mean to trip you.
No more screen time for you,
And so it goes.
Those nagging reminders… Those marching orders… Those words often said in exasperation are teaching you self care… for your adult life…. because on the other end of the spectrum here…. with my children grown… in the house for weeks… those are the same things I tell myself as a form of self love. So listen to your Moms…. enjoy your kids rebellion… and then relish in the joy of grandkids…. this is what life is…. this story is brought to you by a mom who DESPERATELY needs to focus on the joy to get through the rest of this month… then I look forward to the next thing… and I don’t allow myself to go backwards… or stay stuck. We are BURIED in snow… nothing in my lab work looks good…. everything is swollen… and I am the most grateful person on this planet for ALL OF IT. because I am alive. and that means forward march! (see what I did there?)
Globally, as of the 19th November 2021, there have been 255,324,963 confirmed cases of COVID-19, including 5,127,696 deaths, reported to WHO. As of 18 November 2021, a total of 7,370,902,499 vaccine doses have been administered.
I have been keeping an unpublished version of this…. adding to it periodically…. but Today was the day I asked my Tall Child if I could blog this….. so lets catch up – I left off my pandemic timeline April 2020… Sure I have written SO MANY updates since then… mostly if not all local and personal… but lets look at this from a broader scope… Here is what has happened
I have collected most of this from the Yale Medicine site, who has tracked events and written articles and laid them out by date- which made it easier for me to pick and choose events to mention each month.
May: Experts focus on “flattening the curve,” After months in lockdown, states slowly begin a “phased reopening,” based on criteria outlined by a very angry temper tantrum throwing Trump in coordination with state, county, and local officials. Meanwhile, scientists across the globe are in a race to develop vaccines.
June: Efforts to reopen the economy leads to new cases, and the curve is not flattening. THIS IS MY SHOCKED FACE!!! Experts point to the dangers of large gatherings and use terms like “clusters” and “super-spreader events.” all while Tucker Carlson and crowd started suggesting this actually was all fake and planned.
July: Officials debate the best scenarios for allowing children to safely return to school in the fall.
August: The first documented case of reinfection is reported in Hong Kong. On a broader scale, COVID-19 is now the third leading cause of death in the U.S. (after heart disease and cancer). Ironically here locally, this is when school started… given the choice of online or in person…. because you know…. we underpay our teachers… so lets rub salt in the wound. We kept our child home.
September: The school year opens with a mix of plans to keep children and teachers safe, ranging from in-person classes to remote schooling to hybrid models. Meanwhile, the WHO recommends steroids to treat severely and critically ill patients, but not to those with mild disease. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) reports that people who had recently tested positive were about twice as likely to have reported dining at a restaurant than were those with negative test results.
October: President Trump tests positive for COVID-19 after a gathering in the White House Rose Garden where multiple people were also thought to have been infected. And though rumors swirled that he was WAY sicker than reported… he did the infamous balcony removal of his mask like a petulant toddler- Meanwhile, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) grants full approval to a drug called remdesivir for treatment of COVID-19.
November: Cases rise again as cold weather drives more people indoors—the U.S. begins to break records for daily cases/deaths. Many officials around the country bring plans for reopening to a halt. As the holidays approach, the CDC urges Americans to stay home, limit the size of their gatherings, and avoid mixing with people who don’t live in their household. I saw NO ONE outside of my home for this holiday.
December: The FDA grants Pfizer-BioNTech the first Emergency Use Authorization (EUA) for an mRNA vaccine, a new type of vaccine that has proven to be highly effective against COVID-19. A week later, it grants another EUA to Moderna, also for an mRNA vaccine. But, as vaccinations begin, major variants of the virus are beginning to circulate. The UK reports that a new variant of the virus, called B.1.1.7, could be more contagious. By the end of the month, B.1.1.7 is detected in the U.S. We had Christmas outside with the kids and grandkids… for about 45 minutes freezing cold.
2021
January: In the U.S., the number of cases and deaths begins to fall. But more variants are spreading, including one first identified in South Africa called B.1.351, which is reported in the U.S. by the end of the month. Around the world, the race is on to vaccinate as many people as possible in time to slow the spread of the variants. Researchers work to understand how deadly or contagious variants are compared to the original virus. Tucker Carlson and Q-anons? well= they decide this is poisonous or will change your DNA… sooooo…. OH BUT PAUSE FOR AN INSURECTION!! okay, carry on
February: There is not enough vaccine supply to meet the demand. But the Biden Administration expects the addition of a third option (by Johnson & Johnson) to make vaccines more available to everyone. Meanwhile, companies are working to tweak their products to make distribution easier and to control new variants. So, while there may be hope that the end is in sight for the pandemic, it’s highly probable that we will still be wearing masks for some time to come. We cross the 500,000 death count in the US.
March: According to a 120-page report from WHO, the novel coronavirus that causes Covid-19 probably spread to people through an animal, and probably started spreading among humans no more than a month or two before it was noticed in December of 2019. The report says a scenario where it spread via an intermediate animal host, possibly a wild animal captured and then raised on a farm, is “very likely.” Did you know this? No? Why do I know this?? Because I am SO TIRED of people saying it was made in Wuhan by Fauci. Tigers in the Zoos keep testing positive!
April: The global tally of deaths from Covid-19 surpasses 3 million, according to data compiled by Johns Hopkins.
May – July: According to figures published by the CDC, the more contagious Delta variant accounts for an estimated 93.4% of coronavirus circulating in the US during the last two weeks of July. The figures show a rapid increase over the past two months, up from around 3% in the two weeks ending May 22.
August – September: The FDA authorizes an additional Covid-19 vaccine dose for certain immunocompromised people. The US FDA grants full approval to the Pfizer/BioNTech Covid-19 vaccine for people age 16 and older, making it the first coronavirus vaccine approved by the FDA. US CDC Director Dr. Rochelle Walensky diverges from the agency’s independent vaccine advisers to recommend boosters for a broader group of people — those ages 18 to 64 who are at increased risk of Covid-19 because of their workplaces or institutional settings — in addition to older adults, long-term care facility residents and some people with underlying health conditions. So I got mine!!!
October: Pfizer/BioNTech say they are seeking FDA emergency use authorization for their Covid-19 vaccine for children ages 5 to 11.
November 2, 2021 – Walensky says she is endorsing a recommendation to vaccinate children ages 5-11 against Covid-19, clearing the way for immediate vaccination of the youngest age group yet in the US.
A few weeks after the bone marrow biopsy I got what Dr Google convinced me was sciatica … which is pretty normal after such a procedure… however the weeks that followed slowly showed me that is not what it was… rapidly and uncomfortably this mass grew in my leg… I can talk about it now… because it is out. 48 hours ago they sliced me open and removed it… it shows characteristics of being benign…. meaning no tentacles or teeth id assume? although it would have made for a funner blog post if it had …. ha!
Created for the National Cancer Institute, http://www.cancer.gov
Darth Lumpious measured somewhere between the egg and the peach on this helpful little comparison chart.
We do not have the pathology back yet… but i’ll take the lack of teeth and tentacles as a good sign… I have good drugs… and a positive attitude and truly the most supportive loving tribe on the planet.
Mr Amazing has been by my side the whole time, and I am not always a model patient… I do not know what I would do without him. I cannot even begin to imagine what this has felt like for him… and he offers to help with everything while repeated being snarled at that I can do things myself… he still offers… I love him so much.
My Smalls have been helpful… and my tinies have been my comfort leading up to this.
My Charlie Bosephus… My favorite gift of all time and space from Mr Amazing has been the cutest side kick to recover with ever…
There is so much more to this story… and if I were not completely mind numb from pain pills I would entertain you with stories of the two surgeons who didnt want to touch it… and the two hour MRI where I was positive I was going to die in there…. and the Ultrasound tech who had no poker face… but I will save that and leave this as a simple update and record of whats happening in my world.
I am so grateful for everyone in my life… I cannot even begin to imagine what I have done to be so lucky to have them…. Life is good… the lump is gone
I am home sick today… I woke up at 5 am with vomit in my mouth and ran for my pee slime covered toilet… next to my Charlie Bosephus’s litter box. Really an eye opener into the quality of my life .. but really things obviously have not changed that much. I literally laughed out loud typing that… and surely I will publish this.
I do not know how to bridge the gaps in my crazy story of a life… I last left off with I had started therapy… Im going to take one step further back and tell you about the time my “Fever of unknown origin” sent me to the ER… which then led me again to an infectious disease doctor… although I do not believe that is where my latest journey started… I believe wholeheartedly my journey started with CMV… a few years ago… and this is my second infectious disease doctor… It was in the beginning of march I went to his office… and I had been told I was the very first patient he had seen since arriving in the United States. So in he came… and started to question me about what had been going on… and I listed off for him the same ridiculous list of viruses I have been listing in previous posts… but shockingly… my fever had finally gone… as mysteriously as it had arrived 5 MONTHS PRIOR… and he looked at me and said. “So you are not sick now, I do not know what to do for you”… and guys… I lost it… I cried… this made this man extremely uncomfortable… so much so that he had to leave the room… but when he came back he was curious why I kept crying… and I told him that it was so awful… so awful that I was seeing a counselor over it.. that I was so tired… and my legs hurt so much… all the time… and I continued to cry… so he left the room again.
Then he did something. He hand wrote orders for a VERY specific blood test… that could only be given in a blood hospital… it was like a super secret blood hospital… but they wouldn’t do the test… because you see… I do not have aids… and security escorted me out of the special super secret agents of shield blood place. They sent me to another lab down the road who after an hour of calling around did the blood work required… blowing out a vein in my arm and spraying this young technician in blood making her look like a serial killer… it was gross… and then they didn’t refrigerate the blood like they were supposed too… and a week later I had to do it again.
30 days later this doctor… the first one to do something… called me… he said to me “I have found an immunologist that has agreed to take your case… he probably won’t be able to diagnose you… but he may be able to help you” i cried again and thanked him profusely… he told me that he had found a very serious problem in my blood work and I was very sick… his english was not perfect but he insisted that I was sick and if I felt sick, I needed to let myself be sick.
Two weeks later the Immunologist called and said he would be wasting my time bringing me in to see him… that I needed to go to the cancer hospital… as soon as possible… that I had an abundance of abnormal lymphocytes in my blood… and I needed to have a bone marrow biopsy… and be treated.
<cue the circus music> you can imagine what this did to our mental health. School ended and we took our annual trip to the lake… add 2 bouts of Hand Foot and Mouth and one VERY ugly bone marrow biopsy/harvesting and in the first week of june I sat in the Cancer Specialists Hematologists office for the results. I do not have Leukemia. The abnormal cells are not coming from my bone marrow.
<Cue the circus music again> July we celebrated birthdays. and another round of Hand Foot and Mouth.
Here we are in the first week of august, they have drawn blood again and I will see the immunologist finally in a few weeks when he has those results.
Today? Today I think I ate something bad last night for dinner, or have a quick coming and going stomach bug.
Small child got me a sprite and made me an egg before he went to work.
I called (okay texted) in sick.
I have not had a fever since March. Well not one of unknown origin at least… Hand Foot and Mouth brings one
I am still seeing the therapist, about once a month, to make sure I am not tanking mentally and emotionally.
I am slowly building my stamina up on energy… I am usually good for one outting a day… most days that is work… on the weekends… it is something a little more fun… and then I am on the couch or in bed other than that…. this last month I have been doing better… been up for a couple of outtings. Mr Amazing is doing all of the house work… grocery shopping… cooking. I would be completely lost without him.
I have asked my family in my home to be there for me … and they have… I have not reached out much beyond that other than a shoulder to cry on…. or usually scream my frustration into. and I have not been available for people reaching out to me for company or help. That is hard for me to swallow. But I have been honest about it. I am doing what I can. This is it.
Today I washed the puke out of my hair and blogged about it. This is progress. Not perfection.
On this day… just 19 years ago, I gave birth to a tiny premature baby boy… who was not supposed to arrive until the First of September. With beautiful blue eyes… dimples right at his tailbone… and head full of blonde. As soon as my eyes laid on him… it was immediate earth shattering love. The kind of love I never thought I would experience, anyway. My pregnancy had been one filled with drama.. hospitals… and doubt, but it didn’t matter anymore.
It would be me and him, against the world, and I felt so proud to be blessed with such a happy and healthy baby boy.
I’ve blogged many times about the trials and tribulations we both experienced as a we have trudged this road to happy destiny… much to his chagrin I am sure… But none of those events and episodes dampened the love for my child… or his love for me. With every mistake I made… tear I shed… and wish I dreamed… he was there next to me saying that it would be okay. I’m sure his young eyes saw more than he should… but I know that because of that… it cemented his moral compass to his heart like a badge of honor.
As a young mom… I often overcompensated when I could. He was probably given more than he should’ve been at times. When you are a mom… you make mistakes; and when you are a struggling through divorce.. illness… and career mom, well those mistakes are raised tenfold. I did the best that I could. But my son never judged me… never wavered.
I never knew unconditional love until I experienced it from my boy. I learned to love unconditionally the moment he arrived.
Now he’s all grown up, and we aren’t living apart again yet (Though he did give me a crash course in that earlier this year). We speak on a daily basis but it’s not the same. He’s matured and grown during the few months he was away and I can’t help but to see that little boy becoming a man.
I long for the days when he used to call me Mommy and beg me to read him a bedtime story. Those days are indeed gone I suppose.
Being a mom on an “adult” is new territory for me. Loosening these apron strings hasn’t been easy, but I know for both of us to continue on in our lives, it has to be done.
So each day, I get more and more strength to not over-parent… over-love… over-mom him.
He probably has no idea that I lay awake many nights thinking of him, wondering if he is making the right choices. All I can rely on now is the fact that I parented him the best way I knew how; he’s earned his wings and now I can watch in the stands as he takes off and flies to his destiny.
The cheers are for how proud he has made me. Jeers for the times when I text and he doesn’t immediately reply. Tears as I mourn the little boy he used to be as I get to know the man that he is becoming.
It is unbelievable to me that you are 12. A pre-teenager and a Jr High student.
You are starting Jr High in a few weeks. Jr High… a whole crazy world in itself and a huge new challenge for you. You are my only stepdaughter, and my Mini Me. I understand how it feels to be an introvert, highly sensitive and to be overly cautious because I was and still am that way myself. I challenge you to find that sweet spot between being a rule follower and a risk taker. We suffer from anxiety instead of going with the flow. We fear way too much instead of trying new things. I know how scared you are of change and that switching to a new school after seven years in the same protective elementary school has kept you up at nights. I’m not going to lie… it has kept me up too. As you start this next chapter in your life, I have some advice from one worry wart to another.
Try new things. Join clubs. Talk to new people. I know these are things I harp on the most, but they are the most important. I just want you to find things you like to do. Not necessarily things that you are good at… just things that you enjoy doing! I don’t want you not to try something just because you think you won’t be good at it or that you’ll fail at something. Failing is learning! If you enjoy doing it but fail… just try again. We will be here cheering you on no matter what. If you try something and don’t like it… that’s fine, I’m just proud that you tried it! You will never know if you don’t put yourself out there and take risks. I know you get annoyed that I’m always asking you about the kind of person you want to be. I only do it because I want you to figure out what you’re passionate about. Sometimes it is something you would never imagine… until you are put in a situation that makes you try it.
Take some risks. Now this is a tricky one – I’m not talking about behavior you know is wrong or illegal things. You will be exposed to a wide variety of new things in the next few years and I hope that we have taught you enough to make good choices. However… I’m wanting you to push yourself out of your comfort zone and face your fears. There have been times when you have begged me not to make you try something new or go somewhere and believe me… it has been hard for me not to back down. My heart aches when you cry but when you come home and say “Kerry, thanks for making me do that… I had fun”, I know that I need to keep pushing you. I want you to be young and have fun! You only live once and the memories you make now stay with you forever. I’m not promising they will all be great memories, but I would love for you to have memories of doing some silly things. Some of my best memories are from slumber parties, giggling with my friends until we cried, summer camp, school trips, prank calling boys, and even tee-peeing houses. Did I just admit to that?? Now I’m not advocating these things and there will always be consequences to your actions, but sometimes innocent fun is worth some punishment.
Choose your friends wisely. Some friends will drift apart and start hanging out with new people with the same interests. This can be exciting and also painful. Just remember to treat others how you would want to be treated. Don’t talk bad about people even if others are doing it. Be confident in yourself and know that others lash out from a place of hurt in themselves. These years are very confusing and emotional and it’s easy to get bogged down in the drama. I know it’s hard to imagine now… but this time in your life is a very very small part. It’s a few years out of about 80! The most important thing to come out of Jr High with is your integrity. Don’t compromise your belief system or friends to avoid a few weeks of an awkward situation. Find friends that share your moral value system and hold on to them. Some of them will be your life long friends and support system!
Live like your glass is half full. I know it’s hard to be optimistic all the time… but please try most of the time! Life is so much easier if you live with a positive attitude. Trying new things and not caring if you fail is how you grow. It teaches us to be stronger and to know that we can get back up and try again. It’s a hard lesson for parents to let our kids learn since it breaks our heart as much as yours when you fail. We have all failed at things but we have lived through it and so will you. If you think positively… those failures open up a whole bunch of other options that you may never knew existed.
As you venture into this new exciting phase… please know how much I love you and how proud I am of the young woman you are. We will always love and support you in whatever you do. Please do not be afraid of taking leaps of faith because we will always be there to catch you if you fall. It’s time to let go of your fears and insecurities and believe in yourself that you can do it!
Once again… dear blog… you are where I process all things that I cannot contain in my brain… I’ve posted about my health (If not previously mentioned, add Staph, MRSA, Shingles, Algae, New Zealand Honey, and New pillows to the list of things going on at my house) Well… Then on top of those things… Small Child has moved out…My best friend… My survival strategy for all helpless feelings has moved out…. gotten a tattoo…. All that being said… and 3 months of a “fever of unknown origin” has led me to some measures in my life that I am quite proud to say I am taking…. First off – I am getting help. I LOVE Therapy… I always have… and at least five times in my adult life to process one traumatic event or another I have returned to therapy briefly to keep my self in check…. to check and make sure I am okay… well… this compounding year didn’t really have an event I could point to and blame and process…. in fact… it seems to be my new quality of life… and I found myself speaking words about not wanting to continue life.
Don’t Panic… I just put voice to things that we all think (if you are someone who feels and thinks too much that is) … and I took the appropriate steps… and I spoke to someone… and returned a few weeks later to check in… ready to tell her that I was okay… and I appreciated there being people to go to when I felt helpless…. when she looked me in the face and called “bullshit”
Then she posed a question to me…
Do you wish you had died last week? – I thought through the week, the unbreakable fever Saturday morning and Sunday evening, and then I thought about my time with the tinies… I reflected on it all… good and bad… and found to my relief… no I did not wish I had died last week.
But at the beginning of the week you stated you were done, not that you would ever do anything to hurt yourself, but you were okay with just being done – I reflected again… and realized I had been wrong in retrospect
Has anything truly changed in your feelings and mind set this week? I thought that through and shook my head… no not really even though I was here to tell her I was okay and done seeing her… nothing had really changed… I had just taken the appropriate steps and safe guards… because that is what I do… I FORCE myself to do this…. I’ve been FORCING myself to do this my entire adult life.
Do you think if I asked you next week if you wished you had died… you would wish you had? So as I sit there… giving up…. being okay being done… having lived a good life…. I realized something… I most certainly would not wish I had died in a week.
So that is what we are going to focus on… and as she proceeded to explain to me that I was behaving and doing all the right things… EVERYTHING I SHOULD… my perspective was the issue… and you know what?
I felt something I had thought I had aged beyond… I felt those little blasts of neurons in my brain firing off as it adjusted to thinking in a way that it hadn’t before… you know what I mean… that feeling you get when you learn something new or try something new? it is far and few in between when you live this adventure of a life I do for as long as I have.
I’m sure if you are reading this and you know me at all… you wonder how someone who takes so much energy and time putting it into making life wonderful and being grateful for the beauty in it could still feel this way… Well its simple… I knew what I HAD to do… and I was doing it… I was FORCING myself to do what I had to do…. because as the saying goes…Fake it til you make it…. your feelings will catch up.
My Feelings Did Not.
I want you to try something new – So here we go, I am trying something new… rather than FORCING myself to do all of these things I do… and stuffed all of those rules in a mental container… and I am going to try doing things because I feel like it… rather than counting the hours I sleep to make sure I am taking care of myself and not letting myself go down the road of self destruction… and self sabotage… I am going to go to bed because I am tired. rather than forcing myself to eat exactly one serving of sweets… because I do not want to punish myself or deny myself or allow myself to eat the entire package … all these rules… Im going to eat what I feel like… as I feel like it… and rather than FORCE myself to only wash my hair as often as saving the environment or extending my color allows (come on… say it with me… we all have these rules) I am going to wash my hair because I want too… I am not going to watch the clock endlessly calculating every minute to make sure everything is taught… learned… taken care of… I am going to enforce bed time because I need her to go to sleep.
Im going to try not caring… because I have turned caring into the most curious form of self abuse anyone has ever heard of…
That being said… If this doesn’t go well… or it seems like I do not “want” to do the things that I need to do to be a functional adult… we will try something new. She also said the first thing that escaped that mental container… was what really needed to be done… not my imaginary rules of conduct.
So at 5am this morning… I woke in a full panic… about the amount of junk in my house… and the order it is kept.
This is an ongoing battle for me that I shove way down deep because, Im lazy, Im tired, Im sick
Friday… the dumpster is coming.
because I do not care what people think, what is morally correct, whose feelings may or may not need taken care of, or whose responsibility it is.
I am dejunking because I want to.
Cue the Circus Music… Life is about to get interesting.
Influenza… Diverticulitis… SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) … Or Sad – Since the first of December… I just haven’t really been sure.
I remember clearly being about 12 years old… and in the car with my mother… and turning to her and saying the words I had been scared to speak up until that point.
“Something is wrong with me”
She kind of blew it off.. told me there wasn’t anything wrong… She was wrong. I remember thinking it was cancer, or possibly another disease, but the sense of dread and ache in my body was very real to me, and I was sure death was imminent… because I wasn’t responding and flourishing in life like those around me.
I have battled crippling depression most of my life. (Yes, I said crippling, Yes, it is a strong word. Yes it is the truth)
Flash Forward 32 Years
Mr Amazing: Are you okay?
Me: I don’t know
Mr Amazing: Are you sick?
Me: I cant tell if I am really sick…. or just sad.
Mr Amazing: That’s a strange thing to say… even for you. I think you are both.
44 years old… The symptoms are so much the same that I am not sure my body even knows the difference. Aches… over my whole body… the desire to stay in bed all day under my weighted blanket (Which is divine btw. if you have not tried them) an upset stomach… not really sleeping at night after laying so still all day… appetite swings all over the place to I have zero interest in food… to I want to eat comfort food.
So I did what I have done all of my adult life since those dark days… I got up… I got dressed… I forced myself to call a friend… I tried to paint… I tried to watch a movie… I listened to some music.
I had the flu… which I am now waiting for the CT scan to come back with Diverticulitis because it has been 8 weeks of the flu
Mr Amazing is right though… I think it may be a little of both… I have to keep myself in check… Not fall down the rabbit hole so to speak.
I lost someone that I loved… someone that believed in me when I did not. He never once treated me like there was something wrong with me. (Hence Mr. Amazing thinking I was sad)
So whether or not, it is the weather or not. Seasonal Affective Disorder… Or Flu Season.
I am taking care of myself… VERY begrudgingly… but doing it none the less.
I sincerely hope everyone is doing the same… So much love and light out there.
Its been 2 months since i’ve written here… not uncommon I know…. but today… the day after Christmas… The house is quietish… and picked upish….. and i’m eating a piece of Pumpkin Pie with a pile of whip cream the size of my face … I figured it was time to catch up here… and prepare for a new year.
To say the least…. this last year has been absolutely tragic. I’ve spent hours upon hours reading stories about the mass shooting in Vegas, Hangings in Mexico… the natural disasters affecting multiple countries, and sexual assault cases that make me ill. It’s hard not to be affected or impacted — some of us much more so than others.
That’s why today I wanted to do something different.
Rather than go off on my personal opinions about each event that has transpired (because I think the entire social media world has got that covered)… I wanted to shift my focus to something more positive.
Some people may view it as selfish and some may not. However, the only thing that brings me joy and realization of my privilege in this world is gratitude.
As you (may or may not) know… I LOVE CHRISTMAS. It’s a magical, mysterious, and unicorn-esque holiday that no one really seems to understand — but just know that it exists.
So, here are 12 things I am thankful for this Christmas – 2017
1. My health… Yes, Really.
This year has been a roller-coaster of emotion for my personal physical health. I’ve been in and out of blood work, some terribly intrusive procedures, and am currently rubbing special honey from New Zealand on yet another virus…. this time MRSA… I’m grateful that it is not worse. It can always be worse
2. My beautiful family
There is not much to say here other than I feel so extremely grateful to have the support system that I do. I love each and every one of my family members, and am so excited to grow old with one another… Tall Child and her Tinies make everything an adventure… Small Child and his mustache growing rebellion… Smallest child and her extended time with us now. The Perea’s with their black baby girl jesus in a manger on the porch… and well… if you don’t know betty… you just don’t understand 🙂
3. Genuine friendships
I’ve always had my core group of friends (whom I am eternally thankful for). This Christmas I got word the local food pantry was out of Toilet Paper…. Yes… Toilet Paper… The only budget I had left was my friends christmas gifts…. Guess what they all got for a gift this year…. a case of toilet paper… or socks and hard candy for the veterans gift bags… donated in their name … and you know what… they thanked me for it.
While at the food bank this little monkey got informed that if you don’t eat right… even santa will not deliver lucky charms… so we delivered those right to the food bank as well….
4. Being equipped to handle life’s’ obstacles
Okay, okay, it’s super hard for me to get through one blog post without bragging about Mr Amazing…. I have a very hard time with the amount of privilege we have with all that is going on in the world… in fact… it is hard not to wallow sometimes in the depravity of it all… So how do you tell the one you love so much that you really just do not want to have christmas at all? when his favorite thing to do is buy you gifts? Well… Let me show you just how amazing he is.
This company donates a pair of socks to the homeless for every pair sold… they also employ them.
This beautiful necklace was made by a sex slavery rescue… Named Rose. As a way to get her on her own feet and it is absolutely beautiful…
These lotto tickets were alot of fun…I won a weeks worth of water and meals for someone in need With the purchase of this beautiful candle someone in Kenya without light received a solar light
This Keychain was made by rescued woman in india… giving them work to keep them from sex slavery.
These bracelets were designed by displaced women in Northern Uganda … combating poverty.
These chocolates had a cause and were delicious! They were a donation to darfur.
This bag is what held it all… from buy the change… is designed with a hand written letter from a syrian girl who escaped the war… she escaped because she was able to find work at somewhere like this foundation… the words written on the bag are heart breaking… and yet I will carry it with me everywhere… and let people read it… they employ trafficked children and displaced women.
5. America. Just, being American.
I love this country and every single thing about it. The beautiful nature, the welcoming people, and the diversity. I know we’re not all sunshine and rainbows — but we certainly are not what our government portrays us to be either.
6. Feeling safe
I am thankful and realize how privileged I am to be able to freely speak about the things I am passionate about. Not everyone can say that they have the opportunity to voice their opinion without fear of repercussions, but I am hopeful that one day we will all feel safe in our communities.
7. How talk has been about the importance of mental health
It’s truly refreshing to see how many people are now vocal about their personal experiences with mental health. This year has been a tough one — but it has also taught me that ignoring something so very important just isn’t an option. Thanks to all those who have been my rocks.
8. People who share deep and personal stories on the Internet
While we’re on this topic — I am so incredibly thankful for people who are bold enough to share their stories in a public forum for all to see. Stories that just 10 years ago would have been brushed under the rug or criticized. You’ve made it easier for everyone else, and I’m on board AF with your bravery.
9. Every opportunity I have been given career wise
Nothing should ever go under-appreciated, and I worry that sometimes we forget this when it comes to our day jobs. I am super grateful for every opportunity that comes my way.
10. Charlie Bosephis
Two weeks or so before Christmas Mr Amazing had to listen to me put my foot down… I was getting a kitten of my very own… I am 44 years old and have wanted one my whole life and god dammit I was going to get one… not some purebred savannah cat that he envisioned either… a rescue cat… and It was going to be all mine… and No one would stop me… That next day he went and got me the smallest weakest plainest close to death cat he could… and we ALL fell in love with her…. but mostly me… because she is mine… all mine… and I love her beyond words. Its hard to believe looking at her that she was under three pounds when she got here.. and scared to be put down… she definitely has tripled in size in just a few weeks… and is a basic menace to society… fits right in.
11. Strangers that go out of their way to do something nice
Rare, but so so so important. We see you, strangers.
12. Lastly, pumpkin pie.
Because I’m currently scarfing down a piece as I type this.
So Much LOVE AND LIGHT to everyone out there as we wrap up this year… 2018 will be what we make it… do not ever let complacency get in the way of decency. If you are going to complain… DO SOMETHING… and well… Be AMAZING! (like mr amazing).
There is still more good than bad… there is still happiness in the greif… there is still more love than hate.
And there is hope…. So Much Hope. (A Spark… Like StarWars taught ya!)
This company donates a pair of socks to the homeless for every pair sold… they also employ them.
This beautiful necklace was made by a sex slavery rescue… Named Rose. As a way to get her on her own feet and it is absolutely beautiful…
These lotto tickets were alot of fun…I won a weeks worth of water and meals for someone in need 
With the purchase of this beautiful candle someone in Kenya without light received a solar light
This Keychain was made by rescued woman in india… giving them work to keep them from sex slavery.
These bracelets were designed by displaced women in Northern Uganda … combating poverty.
These chocolates had a cause and were delicious! They were a donation to darfur.
This bag is what held it all… from buy the change… is designed with a hand written letter from a syrian girl who escaped the war… she escaped because she was able to find work at somewhere like this foundation… the words written on the bag are heart breaking… and yet I will carry it with me everywhere… and let people read it… they employ trafficked children and displaced women.
