Articles

… You do the math

G-Chat

Mr. Amazing: 84.5% of the time, it’s wrong every time
: 25% of people polled think I am crazy
  15% want to vote for Santorum

 me: ROTFLMAO!

Mr. Amazing: you do the math
  No more male ovarian jokes?
 

me: You think?

Mr. Amazing: You do the math
  You think I’m crazy?
  You do the math
  You like juice smoothies?

 me: ROTFLMAO!  You do the math

Mr. Amazing: I love it when people put that out of context
  You do the math

 me: Quit saying it! LMAO
  I smell like peanut butter… thought you should know

Mr. Amazing: Let’s see 9% of people think that they don’t want to do the math, more people than that don’t like math, 23% of all people polled were polled as saying 45% of the time they were polled inappropriately and 9% of those were polled and asked if they liked bubble gum, nearly 90% of those people polled at 45% favorable for a Republican president… therefore… people who like bubble gum were polled inappropriately and want a Republican president…
  you do the math

 me: I like bubble gum…
  Your calculations are incorrect

Mr. Amazing: I am sorry, there is a 45% chance that you don’t even believe what you are saying
  according to numbers and polling by “Americans who want to save Americans”

 me: Its true.. Im not really convinced I like bubblegum..

Mr. Amazing: (but not South Americans, or Canadians)
  (or Mexico)
  (or Hondurus)
  (or Costa Rica)

 me: You are crazy… back to my peanut butter problem……..
 

Mr. Amazing: (or Nicarauga)
  Dogs like peanut butter
You do the math

 me: Did you just call me a Dog?

Mr.Amazing: http://dsc.discovery.com/cars-bikes/fully-operational-tron-light-cycle-now-street-legal-and-for-sale.html

 me: YOU NEED THAT!
 Okay… I need that… (im a better driver)

Mr.Amazing: http://dsc.discovery.com/cars-bikes/man-builds-street-legal-batmobile-using-turbine-engine.html

 me: No, Tron Bike is cooler.
  Does it leave a light trail???
   because the grid is real

Mr.Amazing: I got in man…

me: I should start calling you number 1
  like… “number 1, engage”
  and “make it so number 1”
 

… That damn bunny!!!

I remember thinking that when I had kids of my own that there were some super lame holidays I just wouldn’t get sucked into…. and before we go all righteous on the religious meaning behind them…. you’re the people telling your kids fictitious characters come into their homes in the dead of night and leave them things…

… Santa I understood… he sees you when your sleeping… he knows when your awake… all that creeper stuff…. I get it.. besides I love Christmas magic… I really do… but let’s go over a few I don’t get…. the tooth fairy…. okay seriously disturbing… and I’m not the only one who thinks so… there are horror movies about it…. and beyond that… gross… what am I supposed to do with that tooth… I remember sneaking through my mothers drawer and finding them… eek… what’s she gonna do with them.. give them to me with my baby stuff…. “Thanks a heap for the rotting hunk of bone from my prepubescent mouth Mom! ”

… and of course the Easter bunny…. anyone wanna take a stab at explaining the sense behind this tradition and not make it sound lame? … good luck…. but of course by the time I had the small child .. I was not the only person with a vested interest in his up bringing… and MIL had known my plans to deprive him of this weirdness….. and blackmailed me with threats of trying to indoctrinate him into organized religion if I didn’t participate in her favorite holiday…. so… obviously she won…. he was almost two when we introduced this holiday to him…. he loved coloring the eggs…. he could have spent hours bathing those precious little cooked eggs in colors … and he left them in the fridge in his crayon decorated and stickered carton… went to bed happily chirping about eggs and them representing spring…. and the colors were so pretty… in the morning he awoke to a chocolate laden basket… with jelly beans… and stuffed bunny larger than his tiny toddler body…. the Easter bunny had come… and he ran to check on his eggs hoping the bunny had liked them… only to find the empty Carton on the kitchen counter …. his grandma and father were poised with cameras to catch the reaction of his first egg hunt…. I wish I had caught their reactions to his…. small child’s face skewed into the angriest most disgusted expression I had ever seen… then in a low voice spit out the words…”That damn bunny took my eggs! “…. shocked to say the least someone pointed out a hidden egg to him and suggested perhaps that bunny had just hid them…..(I laughed uncontrollably through the entire charade… muttering that damn bunny everytime he looked like he may have gotten over his fury… keeping his rage harnessed) … oh he found those eggs.. proclaiming the Easter bunny the “biggest jerk ” as he found the eggs one by one… until each of his beautiful eggs were back in the carton where they belonged… and then he ate that chocolate rabbit… it was in vengeance, biting those ears off angrily… for the prank that had been played on him….that damn bunny! the following year he drew scary faces on the eggs to try to scare the bunny off…. this year he is helping me make the basket for smallest child… and he still thinks the Easter bunny sucks …. I couldn’t agree more.

6 times “Smiffbib” is the only appropriate response

1. I eat tacos with a fork.

2. Two of my best friends are under five feet tall and I have an intense fear of midgets.

3. I don’t believe in democracy.

  4. I cried when Spock died in Star Trek II.

 

 

 

 

5. I like to tape my thumbs to my hands to see what it would be like to be a dinosaur.

6. If you asked me to tell you my favorite movie, I would have a hard time not saying Titanic.

… You probably had to be here…

Does everybody have “that guy” in your office that has that weird horse statue on his desk….Sure its probably some sentimental gift from Vietnam that was given to him by a close friend…. Well… Im “that girl” who cant leave it alone… it turns into a 5 year game of hide said horsey thing and hold it for different ransoms… or hide him bathrooms… or drawers… or planters…. or pose it in weird sexual positions with a gumby key chain? and write mass emails about their escapades???

Dear Weird Horsey,

You are my king and my prince. You are my knight in shining armor. We have so much in common. I am so glad we like the same things like going out to eat at romantic restaurants like Morton’s and watching movies. I can’t believe you were ever shy but I am glad you broke out of your shell before you met me.

I know you have been hurt in the past and I will never hurt you like that. I am yours and you are mine forever and always. I want to die loving you. I want you to be the last man I ever kiss. I hate that we broke up that one time but I think it made up realize what we lost.I cherish each and every day with you. You are the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing at night. I love to hear you laugh, see you smile and watch you eat. You have a way about you. You are irresistible to me and I don’t know how anyone could let you go. I know I never will.

I didn’t used to be romantic but you bring it out of me. You have taught me so much and I admire your strength. The thing I love most about you is how you can change my mood from sad to happy. I love going places with you like weddings, the beach and walking. I am yours for as long as you will have me. See pictures below of our escapades

Love always,

Gumby

… Got Sleep?

Set the goal not to tweet while sleep deprived… this Gchat was the result of said goal

Gchat –

Mr. Amazing: Do you want to transfer $30 back to my account so I can get Setebello for dinner?

 me: Roast in slowcooker… your family coming

Mr. Amazing: Oh… pot roast
  damn
  never mind
  oh well
  See… I offered

 me: That was pure evil

Mr. Amazing: lol
  monkey torture…

 me: Hey Kerry… Do you want to eat your favorite dinner? Or you want to play with a raw hunk of cow with ice cubes sticking to it in the morning and eat it that night

Mr. Amazing: ROFLMAO

 me: With people over… (I hate people)

Mr. Amazing: ooooh… Oh… umm…. oh….. …uhhh…. ummm….. uh…. Oh OH… the second one?! 

 me: Tell the lucky lady what she won
  Well Bob… she has won a hunk of beef… that will cause her to be ill.. and she will do the dishes too!
 Just so you know… Ice cubes rip raw cow ass up… just like they would stick to your tongue
  … Got Sleep?

Mr. Amazing: ROFLMAO
  really
 rip raw cow ass up
  I can’t stop laughing

 me: YAY!
  But… Its true

Mr. Amazing: I didn’t think you would be stirring the cow ass with the ice cubes

me: It really was all a bit more complicated that you imagined I think… remember when I asked… at the last-minute this morning… Do you think it will all fit?
  I had to RIP ice cubes from the hunk of cow ass.. and rearrange them
  Gagging the whole time.. doing the potty looking type of dance and squealing in terror

Mr. Amazing: ripping off cow flesh
  it will just add flavor to the potatoes
  cow ass flesh flavor

 me: Right? That is what I figured…
  I will serve you a heaping plate of it tonight… assuming I remembered to turn on the slow cooker

Mr. Amazing: oh God
  please tell me you did

 me: Ofcourse I did… I checked twice… and locked the doors twice

Mr. Amazing: and make sure  to turn it to low

 me: and went back and checked my curling iron
  ….  I just sneezed gum into my hands… see.. these are the things you learn when I cant tweet it

Mr. Amazing: lol – would you have tweeted that?

 me: Yes… Yes I would have
Mr. Amazing: got sleep?

me: Belly Buttons can join Feet and Raw Cow ass on my , NASTY list again… what I would have tweeted

Mr. Amazing: belly buttons?
   like your own?
  are you inspecting your naval?

 me: Maybe?

Mr. Amazing: Why?
  Are you looking for something?

 me: …. I don’t have a valid response

Mr. Amazing: ROFL… I love you

My Vagina hates Santorum…

Gchat Stream –

me:  I kinda want to make my status update of the day be “My Vagina hates Santorum” … But I dont think i can LMAO

Mr.Amazing: lol   not a good idea

me: I didnt post it… but it was funny…

Mr.Amazing: questions will inevitably arise, like “how do you know? you have Santorum in your vagina lately?”

me: Noooo I dont think so… well maybe from you… but no one else im friends with would have the guts to respond to that LMAO

Mr.Amazing: lol there is always womb for Santorum, Santorum, pro womb

me: ROTFL!! That is horrible

Mr.Amazing: Santorum will never clean your womb
that’s the worst ever – btw

me: That was soooooo bad!

Mr.Amazing: I am so pro life
but before a brain has formed, I have a hard time forming an argument
but seriously, I hate it

me:  So this is why even though I am pro life, I dont judge other people based on their opinions, I dont feel I have the right to legislate a womans womb so
keep government out of my womb
HAHA! that should be my status update
Mr.Amazing: no womb for government

me: Exactly!!!

Mirror Mirror … Yes Please!

Mr Amazing and I went in expecting a darker version of Snow White… I was genuinely surprised and amazed at the animation sections, I had never seen animation like this… It was stunning…. Even more stunning though was the actress who played Snow White! “Snow White is a princess in exile, and the evil Queen rules her captured kingdom. Seven courageous rebel dwarfs join forces with Snow White as she fights to reclaim her birthright and win her Prince.” It was like a cross between Bollywood meets Ella Enchanted… and I was beyond enchanted… I laughed… I laughed outright several times… The Dwarves are the most wonderful characters ever! I loved the entire thing… It was super cheesy.. but they had fun with that… and made light of it… I would love to see this again… Dont listen to anyone but me! See it! and stay for the Indian Inspired dance scene at the end… ADORABLE!!!

Wine… or crack… Something

GChat –

Me: I need wine. Or crack. Something…

Mr.Amazing: crack?

                Did you really just say that?

 Me: LOL it’s an expression

             Crack… the expression LMAO

Mr.Amazing: let’s see… legal alcohol or crack rock… lol

 Me: not crack the drug

Mr.Amazing: I am laughing at my desk

 Me: 🙂

Mr.Amazing: I need some wine, or crack…

Me: I feel a Facebook status coming on

Mr.Amazing: lol  I can’t stop laughing, Eli probably thinks I am retarded

 Me: 🙂

Mr.Amazing: I need wine or crack

                Whichever

                no biggie

Me: Now you are making me laugh

Mr.Amazing: I could really use a sandwich, some chips, maybe some crack

Me: that’s it, I’m posting it on Facebook!

Mr.Amazing: lol, your dad would be like…

            “if you are gonna do crack, let me get you in touch with some people I know”

 Me: I know right?

Me: I totally just posted it

Mr.Amazing: ???!!!

                The new expression?

                Whatever are you talking about?

                  I searched “or crack” on Google

 Me: LOL!!!

 Mr.Amazing: first reference was “Nice price or crack pipe News”

 Me: I might LOVE to see the face of whoever sees your Google history

Mr.Amazing: second is … “Lindsay Lohan is Smoking Either crack or Meth, Says her Father …”                       

                                               I posted it on Facebook!

Me: I almost choked on my own saliva

Mr.Amazing: Damn I’m hungry, I could really use a sandwich or some crack…

 Me: LOL crack would suppress your appetite

           Don’t be offended… It was meant to be completely out-of-place … that’s why it’s funny

Mr.Amazing: oh… is that why? So remember last night when we were talking about SQUIRREL!!!

 Me:  KKhhhhaaaaannnn!!!

 Mr.Amazing: ROFLMAO

                             I love that

 Me: So funny

Mr.Amazing: 

 Me: ROTFLMAO!!! OMG! I want to watch the movie now

Me: Trouble with Tribbles