… Angry Koala Native Spy Parking only!!!
G-Chat
Mr. Amazing: 84.5% of the time, it’s wrong every time
: 25% of people polled think I am crazy
15% want to vote for Santorum
me: ROTFLMAO!
Mr. Amazing: you do the math
No more male ovarian jokes?
me: You think?
Mr. Amazing: You do the math
You think I’m crazy?
You do the math
You like juice smoothies?
me: ROTFLMAO! You do the math
Mr. Amazing: I love it when people put that out of context
You do the math
me: Quit saying it! LMAO
I smell like peanut butter… thought you should know
Mr. Amazing: Let’s see 9% of people think that they don’t want to do the math, more people than that don’t like math, 23% of all people polled were polled as saying 45% of the time they were polled inappropriately and 9% of those were polled and asked if they liked bubble gum, nearly 90% of those people polled at 45% favorable for a Republican president… therefore… people who like bubble gum were polled inappropriately and want a Republican president…
you do the math
me: I like bubble gum…
Your calculations are incorrect
Mr. Amazing: I am sorry, there is a 45% chance that you don’t even believe what you are saying
according to numbers and polling by “Americans who want to save Americans”
me: Its true.. Im not really convinced I like bubblegum..
Mr. Amazing: (but not South Americans, or Canadians)
(or Mexico)
(or Hondurus)
(or Costa Rica)
me: You are crazy… back to my peanut butter problem……..
Mr. Amazing: (or Nicarauga)
Dogs like peanut butter
You do the math
me: Did you just call me a Dog?
Mr.Amazing: http://dsc.discovery.com/cars-bikes/fully-operational-tron-light-cycle-now-street-legal-and-for-sale.html
me: YOU NEED THAT!
Okay… I need that… (im a better driver)
Mr.Amazing: http://dsc.discovery.com/cars-bikes/man-builds-street-legal-batmobile-using-turbine-engine.html
me: No, Tron Bike is cooler.
Does it leave a light trail???
because the grid is real
Mr.Amazing: I got in man…
me: I should start calling you number 1
like… “number 1, engage”
and “make it so number 1”
I remember thinking that when I had kids of my own that there were some super lame holidays I just wouldn’t get sucked into…. and before we go all righteous on the religious meaning behind them…. you’re the people telling your kids fictitious characters come into their homes in the dead of night and leave them things…
… Santa I understood… he sees you when your sleeping… he knows when your awake… all that creeper stuff…. I get it.. besides I love Christmas magic… I really do… but let’s go over a few I don’t get…. the tooth fairy…. okay seriously disturbing… and I’m not the only one who thinks so… there are horror movies about it…. and beyond that… gross… what am I supposed to do with that tooth… I remember sneaking through my mothers drawer and finding them… eek… what’s she gonna do with them.. give them to me with my baby stuff…. “Thanks a heap for the rotting hunk of bone from my prepubescent mouth Mom! ”
… and of course the Easter bunny…. anyone wanna take a stab at explaining the sense behind this tradition and not make it sound lame? … good luck…. but of course by the time I had the small child .. I was not the only person with a vested interest in his up bringing… and MIL had known my plans to deprive him of this weirdness….. and blackmailed me with threats of trying to indoctrinate him into organized religion if I didn’t participate in her favorite holiday…. so… obviously she won…. he was almost two when we introduced this holiday to him…. he loved coloring the eggs…. he could have spent hours bathing those precious little cooked eggs in colors … and he left them in the fridge in his crayon decorated and stickered carton… went to bed happily chirping about eggs and them representing spring…. and the colors were so pretty… in the morning he awoke to a chocolate laden basket… with jelly beans… and stuffed bunny larger than his tiny toddler body…. the Easter bunny had come… and he ran to check on his eggs hoping the bunny had liked them… only to find the empty Carton on the kitchen counter …. his grandma and father were poised with cameras to catch the reaction of his first egg hunt…. I wish I had caught their reactions to his…. small child’s face skewed into the angriest most disgusted expression I had ever seen… then in a low voice spit out the words…”That damn bunny took my eggs! “…. shocked to say the least someone pointed out a hidden egg to him and suggested perhaps that bunny had just hid them…..(I laughed uncontrollably through the entire charade… muttering that damn bunny everytime he looked like he may have gotten over his fury… keeping his rage harnessed) … oh he found those eggs.. proclaiming the Easter bunny the “biggest jerk ” as he found the eggs one by one… until each of his beautiful eggs were back in the carton where they belonged… and then he ate that chocolate rabbit… it was in vengeance, biting those ears off angrily… for the prank that had been played on him….that damn bunny! the following year he drew scary faces on the eggs to try to scare the bunny off…. this year he is helping me make the basket for smallest child… and he still thinks the Easter bunny sucks …. I couldn’t agree more.
1. I eat tacos with a fork.
2. Two of my best friends are under five feet tall and I have an intense fear of midgets.
3. I don’t believe in democracy.
4. I cried when Spock died in Star Trek II.
5. I like to tape my thumbs to my hands to see what it would be like to be a dinosaur.
6. If you asked me to tell you my favorite movie, I would have a hard time not saying Titanic.
Does everybody have “that guy” in your office that has that weird horse statue on his desk….Sure its probably some sentimental gift from Vietnam that was given to him by a close friend…. Well… Im “that girl” who cant leave it alone… it turns into a 5 year game of hide said horsey thing and hold it for different ransoms… or hide him bathrooms… or drawers… or planters…. or pose it in weird sexual positions with a gumby key chain? and write mass emails about their escapades???
Dear Weird Horsey,
You are my king and my prince. You are my knight in shining armor. We have so much in common. I am so glad we like the same things like going out to eat at romantic restaurants like Morton’s and watching movies. I can’t believe you were ever shy but I am glad you broke out of your shell before you met me.
I know you have been hurt in the past and I will never hurt you like that. I am yours and you are mine forever and always. I want to die loving you. I want you to be the last man I ever kiss. I hate that we broke up that one time but I think it made up realize what we lost.I cherish each and every day with you. You are the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing at night. I love to hear you laugh, see you smile and watch you eat. You have a way about you. You are irresistible to me and I don’t know how anyone could let you go. I know I never will.
I didn’t used to be romantic but you bring it out of me. You have taught me so much and I admire your strength. The thing I love most about you is how you can change my mood from sad to happy. I love going places with you like weddings, the beach and walking. I am yours for as long as you will have me. See pictures below of our escapades
Love always,
Gumby
Set the goal not to tweet while sleep deprived… this Gchat was the result of said goal
Gchat –
Mr. Amazing: Do you want to transfer $30 back to my account so I can get Setebello for dinner?
me: Roast in slowcooker… your family coming
Mr. Amazing: Oh… pot roast
damn
never mind
oh well
See… I offered
me: That was pure evil
Mr. Amazing: lol
monkey torture…
me: Hey Kerry… Do you want to eat your favorite dinner? Or you want to play with a raw hunk of cow with ice cubes sticking to it in the morning and eat it that night
Mr. Amazing: ROFLMAO
me: With people over… (I hate people)
Mr. Amazing: ooooh… Oh… umm…. oh….. …uhhh…. ummm….. uh…. Oh OH… the second one?!
me: Tell the lucky lady what she won
Well Bob… she has won a hunk of beef… that will cause her to be ill.. and she will do the dishes too!
Just so you know… Ice cubes rip raw cow ass up… just like they would stick to your tongue
… Got Sleep?
Mr. Amazing: ROFLMAO
really
rip raw cow ass up
I can’t stop laughing
me: YAY!
But… Its true
Mr. Amazing: I didn’t think you would be stirring the cow ass with the ice cubes
me: It really was all a bit more complicated that you imagined I think… remember when I asked… at the last-minute this morning… Do you think it will all fit?
I had to RIP ice cubes from the hunk of cow ass.. and rearrange them
Gagging the whole time.. doing the potty looking type of dance and squealing in terror
Mr. Amazing: ripping off cow flesh
it will just add flavor to the potatoes
cow ass flesh flavor
me: Right? That is what I figured…
I will serve you a heaping plate of it tonight… assuming I remembered to turn on the slow cooker
Mr. Amazing: oh God
please tell me you did
me: Ofcourse I did… I checked twice… and locked the doors twice
Mr. Amazing: and make sure to turn it to low
me: and went back and checked my curling iron
…. I just sneezed gum into my hands… see.. these are the things you learn when I cant tweet it
Mr. Amazing: lol – would you have tweeted that?
me: Yes… Yes I would have
Mr. Amazing: got sleep?
me: Belly Buttons can join Feet and Raw Cow ass on my , NASTY list again… what I would have tweeted
Mr. Amazing: belly buttons?
like your own?
are you inspecting your naval?
me: Maybe?
Mr. Amazing: Why?
Are you looking for something?
me: …. I don’t have a valid response
Mr. Amazing: ROFL… I love you
Gchat Stream –
me: I kinda want to make my status update of the day be “My Vagina hates Santorum” … But I dont think i can LMAO
Mr.Amazing: lol not a good idea
me: I didnt post it… but it was funny…
Mr.Amazing: questions will inevitably arise, like “how do you know? you have Santorum in your vagina lately?”
me: Noooo I dont think so… well maybe from you… but no one else im friends with would have the guts to respond to that LMAO
Mr.Amazing: lol there is always womb for Santorum, Santorum, pro womb
me: ROTFL!! That is horrible
Mr.Amazing: Santorum will never clean your womb
that’s the worst ever – btw
me: That was soooooo bad!
Mr.Amazing: I am so pro life
but before a brain has formed, I have a hard time forming an argument
but seriously, I hate it
me: So this is why even though I am pro life, I dont judge other people based on their opinions, I dont feel I have the right to legislate a womans womb so
keep government out of my womb
HAHA! that should be my status update
Mr.Amazing: no womb for government
me: Exactly!!!
GChat –
Me: I need wine. Or crack. Something…
Mr.Amazing: crack?
Did you really just say that?
Me: LOL it’s an expression
Crack… the expression LMAO
Mr.Amazing: let’s see… legal alcohol or crack rock… lol
Me: not crack the drug
Mr.Amazing: I am laughing at my desk
Me: 🙂
Mr.Amazing: I need some wine, or crack…
Me: I feel a Facebook status coming on
Mr.Amazing: lol I can’t stop laughing, Eli probably thinks I am retarded
Me: 🙂
Mr.Amazing: I need wine or crack
Whichever
no biggie
Me: Now you are making me laugh
Mr.Amazing: I could really use a sandwich, some chips, maybe some crack
Me: that’s it, I’m posting it on Facebook!
Mr.Amazing: lol, your dad would be like…
“if you are gonna do crack, let me get you in touch with some people I know”
Me: I know right?
Me: I totally just posted it
Mr.Amazing: ???!!!
The new expression?
Whatever are you talking about?
I searched “or crack” on Google
Me: LOL!!!
Mr.Amazing: first reference was “Nice price or crack pipe News”
Me: I might LOVE to see the face of whoever sees your Google history
Mr.Amazing: second is … “Lindsay Lohan is Smoking Either crack or Meth, Says her Father …”
I posted it on Facebook!
Me: I almost choked on my own saliva
Mr.Amazing: Damn I’m hungry, I could really use a sandwich or some crack…
Me: LOL crack would suppress your appetite
Don’t be offended… It was meant to be completely out-of-place … that’s why it’s funny
Mr.Amazing: oh… is that why? So remember last night when we were talking about SQUIRREL!!!
Me: KKhhhhaaaaannnn!!!
Mr.Amazing: ROFLMAO
I love that
Me: So funny
Me: ROTFLMAO!!! OMG! I want to watch the movie now
Me: Trouble with Tribbles