Articles

May 14 2012

Dark Shadows… MmmmmHmmmm

Author: Kerry

This weekend Mr. Amazing and I saw Dark Shadows on an Imax screen… I will say I was shocked to see some families with youngsters in there (one couple brought a toddler… seriously people) … Shocked, because the previews had made it pretty clear there was a lot of sexual innuendos… (Sign me up for some sexual innuendos Depp style please!) … I went in with high expectations… and I was not disappointed… Tim Burton magic occurred… I would see it again! I would not let my almost 13 year old see it, despite its PG13 rating however… so be warned… It was clever… original… funny… and creepy all wrapped into one.. and the witch was a litch (Apparently you have to be a D&D fan to get this reference) .. and one of the better characters ever created! Loved it! Plus… well… Johnny Depp….

May 09 2012

… Wednesday… I have decided to scalp you

Author: Kerry

NO ONE TOLD ME that yesterday was not Wednesday.. No one said a word as I tweeted and posted proudly my #wordlesswednesday post! I had been holding onto that little gem for over a week! No one said a word…

THEN the Bloggess took the only thing I love more than her… Which of-course is Harry Potter… and made it a Rodent… a Dead one… in badly tailored clothes…   and I felt my sanity walking on a tightrope without an umbrella…. for the love of god! … Fine Fine… I love her more than Harry Potter… But if she fucks with coffee… its over

BUT THEN… Well… . Wil Wheaton’s cat got a damn twitter account… And I followed it… and then it was too good for my linens….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But he said it wasn’t my linens.. it was my cat.. and he is probably right… because my cat is a jackass…

But whether my linens are good enough for the cat or my cat is an ass…

I knew the end had come… So I prepared a meal from my “Things I don’t love anyone enough to make 🙂 “ Pinterest board…

and entered my Second Wednesday of the week… Pray for me…

 

 

 

May 05 2012

Cinco de Mayo… The day that gets me!… Alt Titled: the 5 Best things to hit with a stick!

Author: Kerry

I now bring you the 5 coolest things  to hit with a stick!

1- This is awarded the Geek Pinata award

2- Coolest pinata ever! Scared to death of these things as a Child… Would love to beat it with a stick!
3 – Enough said 🙂 Arrrgh!!

4 – The Yo Gabba Gabba Pinata is placed here in honor of every toddler tv show I have suffered here, it could alternately be Dora, Blue, Bob, or lala

5 – Yeah… My Ass 🙂

Apr 20 2012

…. Earworm? Top 7 embarassing song lyrics

Author: Kerry

Ever pop in your earphones and forget the world around you can’t hear the music you are singing too? Here are my Top 7 embarrassing song lyrics to get caught singing…. Love love love!

1- Artist: Corey Heart
Song : Sunglasses At Night

Don’t switch the blade on the guy in shades. Oh No

Dont Masquerade with the guy in shades. Oh No

2- Artist: AirSupply (Lets be honest.. I chose the worst song… but any air supply lyrics are embarassing )

Song : Making Love out of Nothing at all

The Beating of my heart is a drum and its lost and its looking for a rhythm like you

You can take the darkness from the Pit of the night, and turn into a beacon burning endlessly bright

3- Artist: Kelis

Song : Milkshake

La,La,La,La,La
Warm it up
La,La,La,La,La
The boys are waiting

4- Artist: Divinyls
Song : I Touch Myself

I Search myself… I want you to find me

I Forget myself.. I want you to remind me

5- Artist: The Beetles

Song : I am the walrus

I am the eggman
they are the eggmen
I am the walrus

6- Artist: Presidents of the United States of America

Song : Peaches

Peaches come from a can,
They were put there by a man,
In a factory downtown.
If I had my little way,
I’d eat peaches every day,
Sun-soaken bulges in the shade…

7- Artist: They Might be Giants

Song : Birdhouse in your soul

Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch
Who watches over you
Make a little birdhouse in your soul
Not to put too fine a point on it
Say I’m the only bee in your bonnet
Make a little birdhouse in your soul

Apr 17 2012

… Its Kinda like a Holiday… Its Bloggess Day!

Author: Kerry

I woke up this morning… Open my Kindle… and watched in awe as the book downloaded to my device…. Squeeeeeee!!! So to my own blog… whose holiday it is not… I apologize for the neglect as I read this… But… to make it up to you… I will give an EBook copy of this magic as a Bloggess day gift for your very own…. Comment… Baffle me with Bullshit… I will pick a random commenter and squeee in unison with them… YAY US!

 

The whole thing is I just like her that much… I dont care about visitors to my site… no offense… but Im not selling shit… Im just having fun 🙂

Apr 14 2012

The 4 best ways to end a Conversation…. Ever… Really…

Author: Kerry

So it took me years to perfect this technique… but I have been keeping track of which ones get the biggest reaction… hence the quickest retreat… The 4 below are the winners! … I have included useful ways to work these into the conversation if you ever find yourself needing to end it…

#1 “I’m an elf.”


(No explanation necessary.)

 

 

 

#2 “you wanna touch it?”
I know from experience that this is one of the most awkward questions in the English language. I have a certain blonde headed friend who uses this phrase as his calling card of awkward situations. In order to really achieve the beauty of this question, one must say it just loud enough to be heard. The goal is not to be clearly understood, but rather just barely understood. The victim should walk away disappointed, confused, and emotionally violated.

#3 “You’re the one!”
Once again, I have experience with this one. This exclamation should be utilized in the most hopeful voice that you can muster. You have to sound like you really believe the person is the one for you, otherwise this is just stupid. Other special effects for this one are puppy dog eyes and an awkward half-smile. This might just be the most potent of the 4. Also, if you happen to attend a Christian university, this phrase works like magic. Ask me how I know

#4 “Tell your mom I said hi!”
Talking about people’s moms is weird enough, but for a total stranger to ask for you to tell your mom that they said hi? That is ridiculous. I think this one is funny because think of the hours of sleep your victim would lose at night because of the constant wondering about how you knew your mom, if you knew your mom, and why you did know your mom if you weren’t lying.

You’re welcome…

Apr 13 2012

Paraskevidekatriaphobia— the fear of Friday the 13th

Author: Kerry

2012  a bad year for people who suffer from paraskevidekatriaphobia — the fear of Friday the 13th…. Maybe those damn mayans had it!

Why? …  There are three this year… instead of the usual two…. There was one in 2011.

That’s not all. For the first time since 1984, those three Friday the 13ths — Jan. 13, April 13 and July 13 — are exactly 13 weeks apart.

But! before we all grab our chain saws and make for the local summer camps… Is there any truth to the unlucky legends of Friday the 13th?

Sometimes, everything you know is wrong… No, you’re not stupid… you are the victim of urban legends – modern folklore tales that have the ring of truth but are almost always false.

Legends often have elements of horror or humor, they are fun to talk about and spread…. There is also a certain paranoid strain within any population that is willing to believe those stories that feed their paranoia (I personally, prefer to be around these people, as they are easy targets and make me feel smart!)

Some urban legends are repeated again and again on television shows, such as the Kidney Heist legend: being knocked out and waking up with a kidney missing….  Law and Order had a field day with that one….

Thank god for Myth Busters… right?

The Smalls can be excused for being naturally gullible, but adults who “should know better” are the real culprits of these myths… President Franklin D. Roosevelt would not depart on a (train) trip on the 13th

… FYI! For many pagans, 13 is a lucky number, because it corresponds with the number of full moons each year

And does anyone know – is Dr. Pepper really prune soda?

 

Apr 12 2012

Chicken Cherry Cola … and 7 other misheard Lyrics

Author: Kerry

I wanted to write a funny post about how I got some song lyrics wrong…and I started to draft it out and realized it was a little bit more of a tangled web I needed to weave if I expected anyone to follow it…  So I am going to Type it… and you are going to either close the site at this point… or love it…

All of my friends have a nickname… and my smalls… and my Mr. Amazing… you get the idea … This story is about Bacteria… who let’s be honest… may be solely responsible for my nickname fetish… Bacteria is Bacteria because her last name at the time was Renteria… and well… Bacteria is funnier… She calls me Buzzer

We met working in a local convenient store many many moons ago … when I was taking night classes and they offered tuition reimbursement… So we opened the store at 5 am to receive deliveries… One day there was an alarm going off inside the store… Looking at the safe alarm… it wasnt it… looking at the emergency shut offs for the gas pumps… it wasnt it… I couldn’t find it anywhere… The coke delivery guy showed up just as I was about to call for help (no really, I was dialing the fire dept)… and simply walked behind the counter and hit snooze on the alarm clock (thanks a heap evening shift guy) … Hence the name buzzer… and a life long friendship

 At said store we were stocking shelves to a well choreographed routing of  I Want you -Savage Garden when I sang 

 “anytime I need to see your face I just close my eyes… mumble mumble … CHICKEN CHERRY COLA”

… and well… you can imagine the reaction… we googled the lyrics … (see above link if curious about the correct ones)  BUT This year… 15 years later… 15!! I was vindicated with this post on my Facebook wall…

 (thanks bacteria) and I realized I am not alone!!! What other ones do you get wrong?

Here are my Top 7

1-       Elton John — ‘Tiny Dancer’

Me: “Hold me closer, Tony Danza.”
Real: “Hold me closer, tiny dancer.”

2-      Pearl Jam — ‘Glorified’

Me: “Horrified virgin on a pelican”
Real: “Glorified version of a pellet gun”

3-      Manfred Mann’s Earth Band –‘Blinded by the Light’

Me: “Wrapped up like a douche”
Real: “Revved up like a deuce”

4-      Van Halen — ‘Panama’

Me: “You reach down between my legs… squeeze the seed bag.”
Real: “You reach down between my legs… ease the seat back.”

5-      Adele — ‘Chasing Pavements’

Me: “Should I just keep chasing penguins?”
Real: “Should I just keep chasing pavements?”

6-      Creedence Clearwater Revival — ‘Bad Moon Rising’

Me: “There’s a bathroom on the right.”
Real: “There’s a bad moon on the rise.”

7-      Eagles — ‘Desperado’

Me: “You’ve been outright offensive for so long now.”
Real: “You’ve been out riding fences for so long now.”

Mr. Amazing donated unknowingly the Pledge of Allegiance as he recited it in his younger years to honor this post 🙂

“I plague a league dance to the flag, of the young knighted states of America, Aunt two republics with wicker stands, one nation, under God, Invisible, witch liver tea and just this for all”