Articles

Dec 17 2012

… are you saying you want me to take “your” journalistic integrity and shove it up “my” ___ ?

Author: Kerry
 me:  (Linked this picture)kitten
Mr. Amazing:  cute
 me:  lol
 me:  LMAO!
 me:  Its cute… shiney and silver
Mr. Amazing: We are still talking about the speaker, yes?
 me:  Yes – LOL Bratface
Mr. Amazing:  You can play music to it right from your iPad wirelessly
 me:  Dont talk to me anymore LOL
Mr. Amazing:  And… I can get it through my work for only $95
 me:  If I can only have one cat, you can only have one speaker… go home and mark your favorite… Im throwing the rest out the window
Mr. Amazing:  lol
 me:  I loooovvveee you
Mr. Amazing:  I love you too, If you want to call the landlord… I am sure that would be a super fun conversation
 me:  They would never even notice!
Mr. Amazing: and watch this be the kitten that urinates on EVERYTHING, What is that lovely smell in your home, is that… cat urine, yummy
 me:  You think EVERY cat pees on everything LOL more don’t pee on things than do!
Mr. Amazing:  That’s because every other cat I have owned pees on everything, pee pee pee pee
 me:  How many have you owned LMAO!
Mr. Amazing:  3
 me:  I have owned a bazzillion… and flora was the only one who did that..
Mr. Amazing:  Yeah… well
Mr. Amazing:  I am happy with two animals, a cat, a dog
 me:  Me too, I just like to mess with you
Mr. Amazing:  done
 me:  and I love kittens
Mr. Amazing:  yeah… that’s all this is, you like to mess with me
 me:  Kittens are like babies, My friends get one, and I get kitten hungry LOL I dont really want one
Mr. Amazing:  lol -you really don’t want one? So if I brought a kitten home tonight you would turn it away, cuz you really don’t want one
 me:  Oh hell no, I would snatch that kitten up and kiss the shit out of it
Mr. Amazing:  I want to cry a little bit just thinking about a kitten peeing in the closet and climbing up my back while I am screaming obscenities
(this is a memory, FYI)
 me:  LMAO! Its going to happen one day, I am content with that for now
Mr. Amazing: I honest to god think you like tormenting my subconscious brain
 me:  ROTFLMAO!
Mr. Amazing:  you don’t like this? <twist>
 me:  I told you up front, remember, I would ALWAYS own a cat
 Mr. Amazing:  I told you I would always own a chicken hawk, but I let that dream die
 me:  ROTFLMAO!!!
 me:  Im sure the kids would LOVE one!
Mr. Amazing::  Do you see the picture of it eating the kitten, uh… I mean small squirrel
 me:  WHAT? No! You wouldnt send me a picture of that! <looking again>
 me:  Mother Fucker
Mr. Amazing:  Meow
 me:  You know… Pissing you off is the only thing that stops me from bringing one home…. And suddenly the keeping you happy thing seems alot less appealing
 me:  Im Blogging this… people will mail me Kittens in protest!
Mr. Amazing:   It will arrive in a package dead, and I can feed it to a chicken hawk – tell them that if they send you kittens to at least put holes in the box
 me:  Your going to hell…. which will include cat nip treats dangling over your boy parts in a room full of kittens
 Mr. Amazing:  boy parts?
 me:  uh huh
Mr. Amazing:   what am I five?
 me:  ROTFL!
Mr. Amazing:   you just typed that I want that to sink in
 me:  I am DYING over here! I typed it because I knew I was going to blog it!
Mr. Amazing:   that seems counter-intuitive, shouldn’t you blog it because you typed it? Where is your journalistic integrity?
 me:  Bet if it was up your… other part… you would know
Mr. Amazing:   are you saying you want me to take “your” journalistic integrity and shove it up “my” ass?
 me:  YES!
Dec 04 2012

I threw a wish in the well… Don’t ask me… I’ll never tell

Author: Kerry

I know I know… The prompt said a song I love… But this song isn’t necessarily my theme song of the week… or month… in fact it gets stuck in my head and wraps itself in there until everything I am doing (Walking, talking, dancing, doing dishes… washing in the shower ha!) gets done in rhythm. 

Smallest child sings it everywhere… We sing it together at the top of our lungs while grocery shopping… we dance to it in the car… I sing it to Small child and Mr. Amazing just to hear their groans of disbelief that yet again it is going to be stuck in their heads…

My Christian (its his name… and his spiritual belief all wrapped up in one) bemoans it … and I post yet another MEME on his wall quoting it

My Day Job (The place I go to earn a living… while I wait to be discovered and become a renowned… well anything) did a cover of it with all kinds of cheesy dance moves… some including a forklift… and so I bring to you… Call me Maybe!

I threw a wish in the well,
Don’t ask me, I’ll never tell
I looked to you as it fell,
And now you’re in my way

Are there even real wells anymore? Okay, I am sure there are! But not anywhere I have been. and she’s not a princess in a Disney movie, She is no Snow White.

I’d trade my soul for a wish,
Pennies and dimes for a kiss

I don’t know the value of a soul, But I am willing to bet it is worth more than a wish for a kiss… you’re sounding a bit easy

I wasn’t looking for this,
But now you’re in my way

What do you mean you weren’t looking for this? All you have done is sing about looking for this! Did you forget?

Hey, I just met you,
And this is crazy,
But here’s my number,
So call me, maybe?

Uhhhh From a wishing well to a cheap bar? okay.. Im with you… no… no I am not

It’s hard to look right,
At you baby,
But here’s my number,
So call me, maybe?

It’s hard to look right at him? What is he? Someone has been drinking from the crazy sauce

And all the other boys,
Try to chase me,
But here’s my number,
So call me, maybe?

Other boys are chasing you… But you want the one you cannot stand to look at? Daddy Issues

You took your time with the call,
I took no time with the fall
You gave me nothing at all,
But still, you’re in my way

He gave you nothing and he’s in your way… in your way of what exactly? This makes so little sense I want to punch you in the face

Hey, I just met you,
And this is crazy,
But here’s my number,
So call me, maybe?

That’s it! I’m sick of this maybe business… Do you want him to call you or not? This relationship has so much drama before it’s even begun… I hope he never calls you because the break up song for this will be UNBEARABLE! (Taylor Swift get to writing it! Pronto!)



 

Oct 22 2012

Listen… If I tell you I shaved my legs… Im hitting on you..

Author: Kerry
G-Chat
 me:  I vote we go pick up Indian together when you get home…. I shaved my legs this morning
Mr. Amazing: you shaved, so we should go to Indian? trying to understand the logic
                       What would have happened if you didn’t shave?
 me:  Noooooo …. listen… If I tell you I shaved my legs… Im hitting on you
Mr. Amazing:  if I tell you that I shaved my legs, I am hitting on you?
 me:  Yes!
Mr. Amazing:  And I shaved my legs haphazardly with my fingernails, how hot is that?
 me:  Uhhhh okay… I think my leg hair is growing in.
Mr. Amazing:  wha? already? damn it
 me:  I am left speechless
Mr. Amazing: Well the alternative is I get take out and then eat Indian at home, or just not get take out at all
 me:  Noooo I decided last week … And you ate onions
Mr. Amazing: As it should be
 me:  It was a disaster
Mr. Amazing:  yes, and they were wonderful
 me:  Oniongate 2012
Mr. Amazing:  lol I don’t want to think about it, I was so sick
 me:  Soooo this whole thing is on you, Maybe you don’t even want Indian, You were super sick
Mr. Amazing:  Indian it is
 me:  or even Himalayan kitchen if you want?
Mr. Amazing: You like Indian better
 me:  Actually I’m good for a change, as long as what ever you bring me is super crazy spicy
Mr. Amazing:  Indian it is
 me: … it all sounds equally good, as long as its hot, I kinda want the chicken… I might be delirious
Mr. Amazing:  Okay, chicken? seriously? do you want to think about that?
 me:  No, it sounds good
Mr. Amazing:  let’s go through this
 me:  But it has to be melt my face off hot
Mr. Amazing: first bite… good
                                  second bite… good
 me:  LMAO!
 Mr. Amazing:  third bite… okay
                               fourth bite… meh
                               fifth bite… gross
 me:  I wanna eat it
 Mr. Amazing:  (first bite)
 me:  ROTFLMAO!
 Mr. Amazing:  so… chicken?
 me:  Yeah!
 Mr. Amazing:  Uh huh
 me:  Hot!
Mr. Amazing: I am not ordering until 30 mins before I leave, so let me know if that changes
                             hot
                             yes
 me:  I dont think I slept well last night… My eyes are leaky and I think this is all very funny
Oct 15 2012

Hotel Transylvania = ZING!

Author: Kerry

The Smalls LOVED it… I wouldn’t take anyone under school aged (As school really seems to refine their taste in bathroom humor and you will be rewarded with loud shrieks of laughter and joy each time a monster farts… which happens a lot)

With the voices of Adam Sandler, Selena Gomez, Fran Drescher,  and David Spade. (Many more, but these were the ones I recognized) it tells a story of Dracula, the owner of Hotel Transylvania, where the world’s monsters can take a rest from human civilization. Dracula invites some of the most famous monsters, including Frankenstein’s monster, Mummy, a Werewolf family, and the Invisible Man, to celebrate the 118th birthday of his daughter Mavis. When the hotel is unexpectedly visited by an ordinary young traveler named Jonathan (This got an extra woot! from my kids), Dracula must protect Mavis from falling in love with him before it is too late….

But of course they Zing (There is an entire rap about it for those of you who don’t know what Zinging is!)

There are some pretty adult lines that had Mr. Amazing and I catching each others eye over the heads of the smalls sitting between us and raising our eyebrows in shock… But nothing the kids were aware of.. It was adorable! A definite family must see for Halloween!!!

Aug 03 2012

… The Never Ending Nipple

Author: Kerry
me:  Ummmm The universe wants to marry me, and wants me to have this ring.
Mr. Amazing:  Tell the Universe to fuck off, you’re taken
 me:  LMAO
Mr. Amazing:  But if the universe wants to give you a ring that’s different
 me:  I think it wants me to have that ring!!
Mr. Amazing:  .01 carat diamonds… 1% of a nice diamond
 me:  its a snake… did you miss that part… the snake…
Mr. Amazing:  black rhodium snake
 me:  It wants me to wear it!
Mr. Amazing:  
That’s what I want
 me:  That is awesome… but really… where would you wear that ROTFLMAO! Like giant bling on your chest to work?
Mr. Amazing:  I would wear it all the  time, I would call it a religious talisman and start to cry if someone asked about it and then stare up into the sky and fake meditate Latin words
 me:  ROTFLMAO!
 Mr. Amazing:  I want that now, I would wear it under my shirt and tell them it was my sacred necklace
 me:  I would get you a long enough chain that it would look like a nipple
a never ending nipple
 me:  If I had a tattoo gun… you would never be safe to sleep again… you would have oracle nipples
Mr. Amazing:  oracle? why oracle? what does that even mean?
 me:  The southern oracle… The two halves… Im naming your nipples
 Mr. Amazing: and why would you have a tatoo gun
 me:  it could happen
 Mr. Amazing  the Southern oracle that would be a bad ass tattoo
 me:  Your nip could be the eye
that opens and kills people if they are afraid, and they will all be afraid
Mr. Amazing:  LOL I would be afraid
Mr. Amazing:  I like that Auryn medallion, The universe wants me to have it
 me:  The universe speaks in mysterious ways
Mr. Amazing: yes, yes it does
Jul 22 2012

… An Invasion of Privacy

Author: Kerry

Tolman: Hello!

me: Hi Tolman!!!!

Tolman: I have to tell you something… I just can’t keep it inside any longer!

me: Really? What could it be?

Tolman: I Love you… Not like in love with you… Just Love you… And

me: There is more?

Tolman: Yes, I worship the ground you walk on and want to be just like you when I grow up

me: You’re older than me

Tolman: Well, it was a figure of speech

me: You are aware you left yourself logged into my google chrome aren’t you?

Tolman: You don’t say

me: Oh but I do… and then I can open another chat window in IE

Tolman: Why would anyone do that?

me: I’m tired of talking to myself…

Tolman: Is’nt that an invasion of privacy?

me: Yes… yes it is… But im glad you told me how you feel

Tolman: Oh really?

me: The feeling is mutual

Tolman: You need sleep

me: I need sleep… This should have been much more creative and entertaining than it is

Tolman: You made me confess my love for you

me: Yes, But I could have had you confess you used to be a man… think of the possibilities

Tolman: <shiver>