Articles

Jan 28 2015

Can I just… No… No… for the love of all that is holy

Author: Kerry

mama kats Write a poem inspired by the last conversation you had with your child

I slide out from behind the wheel… I think I am going to be ill…

He gets in & adjusts the seat … His expression makes it clear he thinks this is neat!

I buckle in tight … the inside of my cheek I begin to bite!

He puts the vehicle into gear… and smiles to himself over my fear.

Out onto the road he drives… I think I am breaking out in hives.

The first stop sign is not far… I almost go through the windshield of the car.

HUG THE CENTER LINE… YOU ARE DOING JUST FINE

Im screaming and I know it… it was only yesterday he got his first zit!

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY … PLEASE DRIVE MORE SLOWLY

He begins to get a feel for the road… he is in now in driving mode

I let him park in the driveway… that was enough for one day!

“Mom you are the best!” … He smiled and beamed with pride.

“Son, Let’s give driving a rest”… That was the day I almost died.

fin.

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Jan 20 2015

Drink. Drank. Drunk…

Author: Kerry

This public display of drunkenness and debauchery is dedicated to Mama Kats World Famous Writing Prompts! “Write a blog post inspired by the word: Drunk”

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THE END

Nov 13 2014

Ransom Notes & 2 Year Olds

Author: Kerry

Truth be told… I can make any story I want to tell fit one of her amazing writing prompts if I want to tell it bad enough… and this story is dying to be told!

mama katsTell us about something new you learned last month

So my cute grandchildren (Tiny and Tinyest) and my angel girl graced our home with their presence for a weekend last month due to a spider infestation at their residence… it was so much fun to have them there… but I learned right after they left that something had been left behind! I tried to rectify it… but finally resorted to this….

Dear Tiny Boy…. I’ve got your blankie. Don’t worry… it’s quite safe…and it will stay that way only if you do exactly as I say… First of all, no contact with the Feds… No contact with the newspapers or TV… Now… on Day after next, you must phone me (look, I know for sure that you know how…Don’t waste time pretending that you don’t! You are too phone savvy… Remember – I have your blankie!)

Phone me at precisely 8am (this is gonna be run like a military operation!),

and invite me – nicely – to go with you on a date. Don’t play games with me; you know the kind of date that I like!


The date must – repeat, must – take place on a Sunday … If you value your blankie you will do what I ask (sorry, demand!).
At the conclusion of said date, you will receive your blanket in the same condition as when you left it. I shall not repeat these instructions.
Any funny business and the blanket gets it!

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Well… it didn’t go exactly as planned… but he is 2… so I cut him some slack when my phone rang and PROMPTLY 8 am the next morning and was asked for a date that Saturday… I quickly accepted … and am now waiting to accept the “Worlds Funnest Grandma” award that is surely coming after this!

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Oct 07 2014

… Magic Happened

Author: Kerry

mama kats Share a recent text exchange that made you laugh.

Mr. Amazing: Hello

Me: Hiya

Mr. Amazing: Did I directly or indirectly make you grumpy with me?

Me:Nope… Im not grumpy

Mr. Amazing: Okay, I love you

Me: I love you too

Mr. Amazing:  you seemed grumpy, but it could have been my imagination

Me: I am always grumpy when sleeping… I butchered the shit out of my bangs this morning… thought you should know

Mr. Amazing: OMG – ROFL

Me: bahahahaha I should have cut them last night

Mr. Amazing:  how bad are they?

Me: ummmm on a scale from 1 – 10? they are fucked up bahahaha I was on cold medicine, didnt have my contacts in, the mirror was foggy from the shower, I used house scissors… and magic happened

Mr. Amazing:  OMG

Me: #everythingisawesome
Mr. Amazing:
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LOL I loooove you!

Me: ROTFLMAO! They arent that bad
I mean… they are bad… but I didnt call into work and run to the salon or anything be nice or I will try to straighten them up with these scissors at my desk…. which I have also done before

Mr. Amazing:

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Me:

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Mr: Amazing : Straighter than a catholic priest, wait… straighter than that LOL, they are fine I was picturing a butcher job half way up your forehead, I was scared for you.

Sep 22 2014

Top 5 Embarrassing Moments….

Author: Kerry

mama kats List your top 5 embarrassing moments

Ha ha… well I have been in a bit of a self loathing mode lately… public humiliation seems to be a great way to round that off… I am a blogger because I have an endless supplies of stories to tell… and below is some of my best material that I have yet to turn into posts… one day I will do each of these things justice… these are probably not the most embarrassing… they are just what came to mind first… and they are not in any kind of chronological order… and are not ordered by the amount of embarrassment experienced… they are simply spilt out into the keyboard to make us all feel better about ourselves today… No matter where I am today… I am not in any of the places below… and for that I am grateful

1- Making Amends with the Barricade

I have shared the story about the time I almost blew up the kitchen… and that I didn’t understand how a vacuum worked… I dont often talk about what happened to get me in that halfway house… and I still wont… but I will say that something I decided to do whilst living there was make amends for some horrible things I had done… and I made some phone calls and I wrote some letters… and I took responsibility for my part of things… and I let go of things that weren’t mine… Oddly… one said thing was a barricade… you know the kind… Orange and white striped… flashing round light on top… I found the owner of Greenes construction company and returned the apartment decor I had been hauling around for about a year… Yeah.. That happened

2- “It gives me hope… and you cant put a price on hope”

28 years old… haven just given birth to my son… I lost 100 pounds.. ironically I had more to lose… and did not… also I gained about half of that back… but not before I starred in a weight loss commercial that aired on latenight TV for years for the supplement I used to help me… I would show it here… but I torched every copy of it in existence… Ever wonder about those ladies on the commercials? That happened.

3- Only 1 OSHA recordable that year…

I was on the safety committee for the company I worked for at the time… I flew to chicago for two weeks for training… at which point I was informed we had only one osha recordable that year… Some girl in Salt Lake City had fallen down a man hole…. unbeknownst to the trainer.. I was that girl… unfortunately… it was not unbeknownst to my colleagues… totally happened.

4- Ohhh There he is! do you want a mirror so you can see his head?

“IF YOU CAN SEE HIS HEAD… THEN YOU CAN GET HIM OUT OF ME… PULL HIM OUT!”

I could not make this shit up.

5 – Let’s do the timewarp again

During my divorce… I struggled alot… sometimes I drank those struggles away… One time I drank them and rallied my entire mormon neighborhood at 4 am to do the TimeWarp on my front lawn….

Some other time remind me to tell you the story about the time I camped out on Robert Englund’s lawn until he asked me to leave… I have a thing for Freddy…

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Jun 19 2014

Dead Animals & Fathers Day

Author: Kerry

mama katsSomething your family did to celebrate Father’s Day.

We looked at dead animals… Normally this isn’t something I would blog about… and I would not normally blog about what we did on Fathers Day either… separately they are a little too educational and unimpressive for a blog post…. but when combined… I suppose I feel like it is just freaky enough to qualify for a post… So here it is!

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Before you believe I am lacking in the tact department… or better yet… Completely heartless….

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It was super educational and fascinating… and a day at the museum on a Sunday is somewhat our “thing”

Some parts of the exhibit might have been a bit creepy for us… this exhibit was bound to start some interesting… thought-provoking conversations with our kids.  The human skeleton… with all its attachments… well… attached… it was a man… elicited some laughter from small child… Smallest child just kept asking to see the butts…. Otherwise… no nightmares were reported… (I copied the following paragraph of info from the Leonardo’s website… hence the big words and lack of ellipses) 

The animals on display have been preserved via plastination, a process which replaces fluids with plastics. The plastination process is also able to “peel back” layers of the featured animals, revealing intricate blood vessel, muscle and digestive systems, giving viewers a unique view into the spectacular biological systems that rule nature. You’ll have the chance to sneak inside a rabbit’s brain and catch a shark frozen in action. (All of the animals featured died of natural causes – so no animals were harmed as this exhibit was created.)

This chic wasn’t on display… or this blog post would have read entirely different… and probably have been more entertaining.

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