Smiffbib

Sep 30 2021

Happy Birthday to my daughter…

Author: Kerry

Today, On your real birthday – the second one celebrated in this pandemic, no less! I can’t believe we got here already.

Everybody online always cries about how HARD the diaper years are to get through. The sleepless nights. The poopy explosions. The fussy eaters. But the truth of the matter is that they haven’t gotten to the real struggle …yet. Did they forget what it was like when they were teens themselves?

I’m not saying you were a difficult child because I think you are a GEM compared to how I WAS growing up. But I had you through your teen years… And when two strong women face each other day in and day out, it can be a bit exhausting.

But exhaustion does not mean a lack of love and that’s why I wanted to write a letter to my daughter. I wanted to tell her everything I hope she already knows but still needs to hear from her mom. That deep down – I still see her. My little girl.

I miss you. Before I say anything else about love or admiration, I need to start there. Because with every single day that you age, it seems that you step one foot further into being my best friend…. instead of my daughter.

I am so proud of who you are becoming, my shining light. I’ve said this to you a million times and I will say it to you a million more. The gods gave me you because you are good – wholly and from the inside.

You see the world in such a special way. You haven’t been affected the way I have and I don’t think your perception will ever change. You are the ying to my yang. I am the “everyone is trying to kidnap you” and you are the “maybe they just want a hug” energy in our family. I think we need both.

Your children are special… Do you want to know how I know? Because I already went on that ride and it sucked. You actually have it so much worse than we did 25 years ago… and yet they got you. and you are good.

I can’t imagine what you deal with on a regular basis.

We’ve discussed this before – how the media is corrupt and designed to make us feel bad about ourselves just so we can continue to buy things. Hold onto that.

You are beautiful. Don’t ever forget that.

You Make Me So Proud

A letter to my daughter wouldn’t be complete without me telling you that you make me proud on a daily basis. I know this life has been tough and unfair. You made the best of it. You are resilient. You adapt and are capable of taking on so much more than you give yourself credit for – please know this.

Always Have Fun

I see you with your friends. You are crazy. You are the crazy girl with lots of laughs. Don’t ever lose that. It’s who you are. There will be moments in your life where the world might try to dull that. Don’t let it. Hold onto that superpower.

Happy Birthday Heather Feather…. you are soooooo loved.

Sep 07 2021

Time… It kept going… and now it is September… again

Author: Kerry

I researched the average span of an apocalypse in dystopian novels… if it were zombies-100 days… Well… we are past that… so I guess those guys aren’t REALLY zombies…. the average length is 10-12 years. We are still at the beginning guys…

Globally, as of 7 September 2021, there have been 221,134,742 confirmed cases of COVID-19, including 4,574,089 deaths, reported to WHO. As of 6 September 2021, a total of 5,352,927,296 vaccine doses have been administered.

I don’t know what to say about that… Ive been to the office a few times… but most days am still remote… due to the air quality and the hybrid schedule… I got my booster on the 27th of August

(because I am a tiny bit of cancer surviving autoimmune super hero) – so there is that. We are trying to be as safe as we know how… We have sent the smallest child back to school… high school in person even… she is vaccinated and masked (at least for as long as we see her) … The tinies are also in school again… and now I just find myself holding my breath… and waiting… waiting to see what more we can do….

I hold my newest youngest tiny close as he grows… born in this pandemic and thriving….

and I hold my breath and I wait some more… for anything to give… I am scared… so scared… I worry for those I love… for those I don’t… for all of us. 1 week from today I will reach the 48th anniversary of my entrance to this planet… I never thought I would live this long… to see all of this… I intend to see more. I watched the Afghanistan war begin… and 20 years later end… We will mark the 20th anniversary of 9-11 in four days…. all of those lives snuffed out…. yet we lose almost as many daily now…. I will march for Women on Oct 2nd (march might be symbolic as my legs do not really work well) …. DAMMIT I SURVIVED TRUMP!!! something has got to give…. anything….

and so I paint… and record as we near the 2nd year mark of this very long apocalypse

Jul 20 2021

Processing the Process of going forward…

Author: Kerry

Globally, as of 20 July 2021, there have been 190,671,330 confirmed cases of COVID-19, including 4,098,758 deaths, reported to WHO. As of 19 July 2021, a total of 3,436,534,998 vaccine doses have been administered.

That opening is how you know this is going to be a post about the pandemic… Today we worked in the office for the first time… you know the first several months of this pandemic I was so proactive in talking to people… staying connected… checking on those I knew were alone…. then I, like everyone else hit a point that I hunkered down… holed up… and just survived… usually with out a shower… or pants on…. So here we are… 16 months later…. and a third of the work force is in the office… and I find myself in the office… I don’t really wanna scare anyone… but I thought that was the end for me… I thought that if the virus didnt get me… cancer would… but here I sit this evening….. with my most recent biopsy result being benign… finding myself reflecting again…

First Observation – People forgot gum or breathmints exist…. they exist for a reason…. use them…

Second Observation – after the conversation is over… but you are still leaving the area…. I can still hear you… hiccup burp man.

Third Observation – Tylenol… get it… you are gonna need it… and not only have I taken it… but I have shared it with many… it is very different under florescent lighting again… hearing conversations from upstairs… down stairs… the hall way… the constant beeping of the elevator that I have never noticed before… and so forth.

Most important observation – I love humans… I really really do… back to back I saw two silver haired … long haired… stoic and strong woman… I dont believe they even know each other… but the combination of them both being here… both having survived after I have had to say goodbye to some others… well… I choked up… then cried in relief silently…. discovered that I was one of those woman…. because they both stopped by to see if I too had survived… I listened to survival methods…stories of loss… and so much more…. I am so incredibly grateful to be here for it.

I don’t know what is going to come next… I do know that what has come so far is more than anyone thought they could handle… yet here we are.

From the desk of a beautiful co-worker.
Look! Im in an office!

Jul 17 2021

A birthday letter to my son

Author: Kerry

… the year he became a dad.

There are no words … no measure … no way to express my feelings… but hey! I’m stubborn! let’s try anyways…

I am writing this here in a bedroom that was once yours… Happy Birthday Johnathon… I do not know a better occasion than now to write to you and tell you a few l things that I want you to know.

It seems like yesterday that I was pregnant with you… I was looking forward to the day I could finally see your face and admire the miracle that you are. Needless to say… I am now looking at a new face… one that looks exactly like yours did.

And you were not just the cutest little miracle baby… but also a sensitive little boy with a good character and an amazing attitude toward life and its challenges. You have that since you were small.

Being a Parent is the hardest job in the world. Of course, there were times where I did not know how to handle you… Yep! I made a lot of mistakes by yelling at you. I’ve been reactive, and you know I did not have a manual on how to educate my child. Nor do you…. No manual can prepare a parent-to-be for parenthood. It is such a unique experience to have this innocent little human being in your arms at first, depending completely on you. And with time, you get more and more influence and responsibility on his evolution. It is the hardest job in the world until it is time to stop doing it… and let them do it with another innocent little human being in their arms.

It is a huge task that one needs to take on every single day consciously. And I know you will do it well… because that is who you are… a man with his heart in the right place.

You will be the best father one can be. You got an excellent example from your own dad when you were young. A fantastic example from the BFG as you got older. Honestly… you have a long trail of the kind of men it takes to love unconditionally. Because, the only task we have as a parent is to love your child unconditionally.
Do you have any idea…. how proud I am to be your mother and grandma to your first born child.

You are the son that every mother can only dream of. I thank the Universe every single day for giving me you.

I promise you that I will be the best grandmother… Know that you and your family will always be welcome and loved unconditionally. I thank you with all my heart for being the man you are.

Once I became a mother myself… I understood my purpose so much better.

Take good care of yourself… please do not forget to take good care of yourself and to put yourself first. A parent who loves himself and practices daily conscious self-care is proven to be a better parent because one cannot give love from an empty vessel.

One last thing… your child is SO LUCKY to have you as his and come into your family. I cannot wait to see the shenanigans you two get up too…

Love you always… Happy Birthday Bug.

Mar 19 2021

I see a light!

Author: Kerry

We are in a dark tunnel…

Globally, as of 19 March 2021, there have been 121,209,510 confirmed cases of COVID-19, including 2,680,469 deaths, reported to WHO.

But there is a light! As of 18 March 2021, a total of 364,184,603 vaccine doses have been administered.

a few thoughts this morning as I am rubbing my arm in hopes of avoiding any soreness… Science is amazing… healthcare workers are heroes… we are going to survive.

Hope was not cancelled… and neither was Fairy City… hope is a quiet rebellion. This last weekend inbetween vaccine doses… they emerged in all their love and colors! I am announcing to the world that Fairies get vaccines!!! thats right! Because we all need to get vaccinated. I am so relieved I got mine…. I hope to never attend another funeral this way…

It was lonely and heartbreaking and I have attended too many like this this year

That being said… I lost someone (hence the coffin and funeral)… but more than that… the world lost a giant! There is a massive gap in the fabric of our life… I palpably felt the balance scale of good vs bad tip this day…. and you know what? Ive got some big shoes to fill to tip it back… there is room for more in these shoes… come on!

I am sure this is not the end of the pandemic for us… quite yet… but I am also sure more than ever in my life… I want to live… I want to hope and dream and love….. love so much. I am also sure I will have much more to say about this experience…. but I wanted to leave these immediate thoughts…. and now… the countdown to my grandkids begins!

Cleo and Charlie
Nov 16 2020

Comparison is the Thief of Joy… But this one has a good point for stealing it.

Author: Kerry

Cancer is NOT contagious.

A healthy person cannot “catch” cancer from someone who has it. There is no evidence that close contact or things like sex, kissing, touching, sharing meals, or breathing the same air can spread cancer from one person to another.

But you can catch something… right now… infact your chances of catching it are high…. so lets explore a few scenarios….

First – let me cite where I am getting my comparison- It is based only on numbers… https://progressreport.cancer.gov/end/mortality#:~:text=In%202018%2C%20the%20death%20rate,per%20100%2C000%20people%20per%20year.

Covid-19 is approximately 10 times more deadly than cancer in a VERY over all comparison…. because there are all kinds of cancers…. and all kinds of outcomes…. Okay…. So here we go…. Why choose cancer? because we all have lost someone to it… we all hate it… Most of us get screened for it…. we take other precautions as well…. we pray for a cure…. We do not really compare it to the flu 🙁

If cancer were contagious…. and you didnt know who had it and who did not… yourself included (feels very real huh) would you wear a mask to help slow the spread?

Would you celebrate when someones cancer wasnt that bad? rather than mock everyone for being afraid of catching it? because really…. LESS that 1% die… it is true… see the link above.

If Cancer were contagious…. would you run around like people were letting fear control their lives? and you just want the schools to be open full time and all the stores are open? and not believe the hospitals were filling up?

If Cancer were contagious… but there were a vaccine against it… would you get it and encourage EVERYONE else to do the same? or would you assume the government were coming for you?

Let me ask you this… If Cancer were contagious…. but only for one year…. would you go to family gatherings? because you like pie? and you won’t “be told what to do?’

If cancer were contagious…. but not everyone died from it… you know… you had some of those other life long things…. like no breasts… or a colostomy bag….. or… needed oxygen permanently. Would you think we could achieve herd immunity? by you know…. just taking our chances and getting it over with?

I have lost people I love dearly to cancer…. I myself have had cancer….

so if this comparison is stealing your joy

Good

Stay Home

Wear a mask

Wash your hands

Do not gather for Thanksgiving… or Christmas…. just don’t you guys…. please.

I only wish that in a year from now we would be getting back to normal…. without cancer. And before you get mad at me for this causing you anxiety… I’ve thought of this the whole time… I waited for a vaccine to point it out…. and if you are scared of the vaccine… I ask you… if it were for cancer? times 10? would you risk it? WE WILL BE THE HOPEFUL!

Globally, as of 16 November 2020, there have been 54,301,156 confirmed cases of COVID-19, including 1,316,994 deaths, reported to WHO.

Sep 30 2020

To My Beautiful Daughter…

Author: Kerry

I’ll never forget when we brought you home to that tiny house…Your dad said as we left that first parent meeting

“We’ll keep her!”

He was so very proud of you. We all were.

I should have known early on that you might keep on looking for new adventures,…opportunities and people that might fulfill that curiosity and wonder life gave you from the start… you have not let one limit be set… one boundary unexplored… you do not take love for granted… that is so rare.

You are so beautiful inside and out…

And those eyes…

Those big, brown, beautiful eyes.

You never let the world stop you….Not that little boy who stood you up for the dance….the one you pushed aside. Not the child who tried to take your brothers toy and you punched her in the face.

You were fierce, a force to be reckoned with, at even the tiniest sight of injustice. And yet, you love…love deeper and wider than any human I have ever seen.

You love your friend’s… and even strangers… when they are struggling with very real problems.
You love the puppies who sit behind bars in the shelter… the ones calling you to take them home. 🙂
You love your siblings
It didn’t matter someone’s track record or story. You were determined to love… every child, young or old who woke at night… or sat and looked helplessly into your eyes….

Especially your own children.

And yet… it isn’t just your loving that I admire. But the way you don’t let pain… hurt or the offensive evil scars taint the way you KEEP giving your love… your time and your attention to those around you.

You just have this gift of somehow picking up the pieces of hurt from others….even from me at times…and then move forward in the belief that the world is better when we forgive.

Perfectionism is just a hollow hole of worldly dressing that aches so desperately for love… it decorates itself up with outward appearances, in hopes to cover up emptiness, on the inside.

But you look past that. How do you always know how to love, even those most broken?

You were made to love.

So today… angel girl, as you walk through “The New Normal”, don’t forget…

Far and wide… big-brown-eyed wonder… it has been such an honor to be your Mother. I will forever be eternally grateful.

Enjoy your day and please remember, I am thankful, and so proud of who are you.

You show the world what light and wonder and love really looks like… I hope the world is taking as many notes as I am… We could all use this lesson right now

Happy Birthday Tall Child

I love you. Mom

Sep 18 2020

Sometimes… the best days of your life still happen… even in a Pandemic

Author: Kerry

Globally, as of, 18 September 2020, there have been 30,055,710 confirmed cases of COVID-19, including 943,433 deaths, reported to WHO.

The 13th of September was one of those days…. My son… my only birth child … informed his beautiful fiancé that his mom wouldn’t wear a dress to their wedding… he was just helping her with expectations… so I bought a formal gown… cause I can… but they never mentioned shoes??

They had the most touching wedding – outside- under a glaring sun…. the attendees were mostly in their wedding party… there were less than 10 more in the audience… Pandemic

and then we danced… like our souls and lives depended on it… it was magical

Then I spent the next day (My 47th Birthday) sitting/ laying on ice… thanks tumor leg… LOL

And now we quarantine… incase we were not careful enough… incase we got the virus … so we do not spread it… and the timing is good… because we are at the start of the second wave… and the prediction models make the first one look like a practice one…. Also- We get flu shots… because you can have two viruses at once… how would you ever survive that?

Aug 11 2020

Corona Virus Chronicles

Author: Kerry

Entry – like 5 bazillion? 5 months today I have been quarantined… 5 months… There is a sense of a false light at the end of the tunnel… but it is a lie… and the second wave is coming.

Every year on the last day of school we head to the lake… weve been doing it for over a decade… not this year

July is full of birthday celebrations and adventures… not this year

I don’t really know what I would’ve done to celebrate my sons engagement- but it would’ve been something nice… a nice restaurant… something. But we didn’t.

We are trying to stay afloat financially… and trying to give everything we have to those who cannot… supporting local business is how… so here is what we did this year… end of school year… birthdays… engagement… end of summer… all in one.

and it helped… a little… The Tall, The Smalls, The Tinies… all had so much fun…. I think a lot of people are feeling it… look who I saw!!

  • My little sister
  • Our first pandemic visit… our first visit in years really.

Im gonna paint her some masks… make them a little more snazzy.

And then ofcourse this ridiculousness is trending on social media… I thought about posting it … but it is too honest… so here it is.

Its like watching myself die.

Situation in numbers (by WHO) as of August 11, 2020
Total (new cases in last 24 hours)
Globally 19,936,210 cases (216,033) 732,499 deaths (4,268)

Aug 06 2020

Plague… Pandemic…. Whatevs

Author: Kerry

As of August 6th, 2020

Total (new cases in last 24 hours)
Globally 18,614,177 cases (259,344) 702,642 deaths (6,488)

Seems to be slump time again… collectively mankind seems to fall into slumps during this… right now seems to be a big one…. Im picking fights on facebook… QAnon has riled up the right wing masses… the blaze reading…. hannity hearing… bigoted believers? too far? maybe into this #SaveTheChildren thing… and you know what? Im here for that… I mean im always here for that… do I think #PizzaGate is a thing? not really… but do I think hollywood elite and political peeps are abusing children and trafficking them? yes, I know they are… so im glad something is coming out of that group that may be constructive? we will see

Trump is a hot mess… as usual… I watched his Axios interview one night over and over again … not sleeping at all… because well… it just made me happy? why? i couldnt explain it…. maybe it is because he was so helpless in the face of reality… he was less scary

I live behind a screen…. from a phone screen to a computer screen to a TV screen and back to a phone screen again… I am not eating right… not exercising…. not sleeping… not even showering often enough… im eating mashed potatoes for breakfast… but I did renew my aclu membership… so there is hope

I am here for that – What I am not here for is that I look just like my sister in this photo… sigh

I went to the outside this week… this is what the outside looks like for me

But I am alive… and that is something no one should be taking for granted right now… there was a HUGE explosion in Beirut… thousands of people dying of Covid-19 on the daily… Hurricane season is in all its glory… protests and police brutality are still a thing… as well as the karens… I mean… I seriously have nothing else to say… other than… WONT SOMEONE THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN??? oh wait… QANON has that…. how about… nah…Still working from home… still wearing masks… seeing my peeps only through snap chat and facebook…

I got nothing… here… have some hope… because this is all I got going for me right now…

and there is yet another riveting entry in my Corona Chronicles.