I wanna see you be brave!!!! I needed this this week… just sayin
May
16
2013
smiffbib
socially acceptable f@#% off!
Truth Justice and The American Way
Rights, Wrongs and Truths.
Apr
29
2013
Mantra to overcome depression…
Vitamin D. Sunlight. Go
outside. Get a good nightof sleep. Not too good.
Not shades drawn forever
good. Not like you used to.
Open the windows.
Buy more houseplants.
Breathe. Meditate. (One day,
you will no longer be
afraid of being alone
with your thoughts.)
Exercise. Actually exercise
instead of just googling it.
Eat well. Cook for yourself.
Organize your closet, the
garage. Drink plenty of water
and repeat after me:
I am not a problem
to be solved. Repeat after me:
I am worthy I am worthy I am
neither the mistake nor
the punishment. Forget to take
vitamins. Let the houseplant die.
Eat spoonfuls of peanut butter.
Shave your head. Forget
this poem. It doesn’t matter—
there is no wrong way
to remember the grace of your
own body; no choice
that can unmake itself.
There is only now, here,
look: you are already
forgiven.
Apr
22
2013
It is what it is…
Sooooo I am still swimming in the sea of the funk… I haven’t wanted to write… if your a regular… you have been through these with me before.
I looked at the writing prompts for this week from …
big sigh… I just didn’t think I could do it… but I chose this one…
Look into your archives. What were you blogging about a year ago around this time? Are you still dealing with the same thing? Your thoughts?
Suddenly… after reading through this week last year…I feel a whole lot less crazy.
This year vs. last
Last Year – Being stuck in an insomniac filled panic attack ridden funk…. Check!
This Year – Being stuck in an insomniac filled panic attack ridden funk…. Check!
This year however I am not in as bad of shape with the knee,. In fact I am sometimes even making it to the gym… I said sometimes… I am going way longer between night terrors <Knocking on ALL the woods right now> and my nights of insomnia are farther and fewer in between… even if I forget that in the midst of them… They feel scarier because they are less familiar… but the reality is… It is so much better!
Last year I didn’t care enough to try to get to the bottom of my panic attacks… I figured they were justified completely… considering all the going ons…
This year I cared. I cared too much. I had anxiety over having anxiety! I have made every attempt to alleviate it… these dread filled heart pounding hand shaking not sleeping short tempered disassociated moments… I have walked… talked… read… listened to music… painted… loosened up those expectations on myself …
Let’s read that again… I did those things!
I continued to read past that least week of April last year… and guess what… things got better… they go up and down… I go up and down… its what keeps me interesting… This will get better too…
Hey… hey you… I do not know if you are still reading this… I don’t think I came to really any kind of a point… There was no AHA! moment… no light at the end of the tunnel …This is horrible content for a blog… but it is the content of my life… So if you are still here…
I wont forget either 🙂
Apr
17
2013
Sorry excuse for a post… really
All I seem to do lately is apologize…
I have been irritable… moody… discontent.
I have a horrible habit of misdirecting angry outbursts at inappropriate times and places.
I am tired… exhausted to the bone… the kind of tired that sleep doesn’t fix.
I have felt trapped by obligations…
I have fallen into this spiraling victim mode… where everything is out to get me.
I have felt gross… do you know that feeling… when just everything about yourself feels gross? <shrugs> maybe that only happens to me.
I have been lashing out at my lot in life… the life that I have striven for… dreamed of… worked so hard to get.
I cannot ever seem to get ahead.
In short… I am burned out.
I’m sorry… Because in reality… I know I am so blessed… and have the greatest friends in the entire world… who have been there for me… always… I know I am loved… So much is going on in the world… and I cannot seem to see past the trees to the forest… I know this will pass…
This post… which is the most I am capable of recently… is inspired by the writing prompt “Tell us about a time you had to apologize”
Mar
27
2013
… in my neck of the woods.
Spring Sming … I’m not convinced it exists… it has been cold… and snowing still off and on … With just a dash of sunshiney days to keep us from going all “The Shining” on each other… so before I wrote a post complaining and moaning the woes of the winter that just won’t end… I jumped on my local news page to check the weather… because I am a good blogger… who takes her prompts seriously and never gets distracted off the topic… WTF is this???
Soooooo here is the discussion that spawned…
Tolman: I’m such a grammar/spellin
me: BAHAHA! Yes! That is sad honestly … They are supposed to be professionals
Tolman: Good on that woman though! I should take up pole dancing!!!
me: Uhhh Somehow… I just know that’s how I would die…. Death by Pole Dancing to lose weight… you know it is true… I would fall on my head
Tolman: HAhahaahahaa!! Oh come on!!
me: You know its true… Broken Neck… From pole dancing
Tolman: It would make for a VERY interesting obituary!!!! Probably go viral!!!
me: Great! I will finally be discovered when I am dead
In conclusion… This is what Spring looks like in my neck of the woods…. and I am finally going to be discovered!!!
Inspired by
Mar
04
2013
The magic that the smallest amount of sunshine can work!
Don’t believe in Magic? Not a huge carrier of faith in Miracles?? Have you met SUNSHINE!!! I cannot believe what a difference in the world a little bit of sunshine after all this … well… winter… we have had… The bronchitis… the strep… the injuries from snow removal… the arthritis… the flu… the flu again… some more vomit tossed in just for shits and giggles…. and then… wait for it… hold out some hope…here comes the miracle… here comes the magic!
SUNSHINE!!!!
It is out the window RIGHT NOW!
and my shoulders feel like whatever has been lurking there… all dark and heavy… might be melting away a little bit as the snow does…
So in-case it is not shining where you are today! here is some! Do not give up 🙂
Not my sun … but well… WOW! right?
Feb
28
2013
… One day more
Feb
21
2013
… It’s the thought that counts
Tell the story of trying to learn a new talent or hobby that you only pursued briefly.
I wanted to be the perfect mom!
Tall Child arrived half-way grown… She became my daughter when she was 12.. She came with only a few things to call her own… but one thing she did arrive with was a dufflebag stuffed with yarn…
I looked at small child… at his tiny little two year old self… and begged Tall child to teach me!
I wanted to give small child a blanket… a homemade mommy blanket… something he could pass on to his kids… you get the idea… I wanted to be the perfect mom… I wanted him to have everything…
I invested in some Crochet Hooks/Knitting Needles (Did you know these were two different things? I never did figured out what the difference was or which one I was doing) I chose two different colors of blue yarn… She taught me the easiest stitch… and after much cursing… and poking her with the needle/hook… I got the hang of it enough to do a couple of rows….
Then a couple more….
Then a couple more….
<sponge bob voice> Six Months Later
I finally handed small child his scarf…
He loved it!
He roped the dog with it while wearing his Indiana Jones hat… and swung by the banister with it doing his spider-man impression… he tied people up with it and returned as superman to rescue them…
Until one day it mysteriously disappeared and was never mentioned again…
because….fuck knitting!
This is an older pic… but damn… we are cute!
Feb
11
2013
Valentines Day? Smiffbib!
The holiday of love when sweethearts celebrate with crimson roses, chocolate hearts, cuddly stuffed animals and candlelit dinners for two…Nauseating… isn’t it? Though many couples and singles do something special to mark the occasion… almost as many on both sides of the relationship aisle confess to loathing the sugary day of romance and the stress… depression… guilt and disappointment that bubble to the surface when it arrives…maddeningly…year after year.
I think the holiday is total crap
I think I always hated it… even when I was a teenager… and had a boyfriend… I always felt that it was really hokey… I’m not a teddy bears and roses stuffed inside of a ginormous heart balloon kind of person.
It’s damned if you do and damned if you don’t
Frank Sinatra got it wrong when he sang about “My Funny Valentine.” … there’s nothing remotely funny about valentines or a day honoring them.
The resentment definitely makes me want to not just ignore the holiday but do something as a protest … a statement against dinner for two and cheesy professions of love… Luckily I married Mr. Amazing… Who I think is secretly relieved that he doesn’t have the pressure… but finds other ways to let me know I am the one…. he will still will lose his train of thought… and stop mid sentence if he happens upon me getting ready not properly attired yet… I will take that as my romantic gesture… it means more than any bear in a balloon ever will.
Feb
01
2013
… This is a post in self defense!
So for a few days now I have been trying to come up with something really amazing to post… My 200th post is SO CLOSE and well… did you hear me? 200 POSTS! (almost)
I tried to remember what life was like before smiffbib… and I really couldn’t … Much like when a child enters your life… I suppose in all reality… it is my BABY!
I think back to my time blogging on Smiffbib…. It’s been almost a year of reflecting… opining… and sharing many cups of coffee with you… my dear readers… Whoever the hell you are… while we’ve chatted about life and everything in between.
And over that time… I feel like a part of my life has actually changed directly as a result of this blogging experience….
Laughing at myself isn’t something I’ve had too much trouble doing over the years … Things that were once kept in the dark recesses of my rapidly fading memory are now on full public display for all to enjoy at my expense… and the pressure of this magical post quickly began to weigh on me… stress me out… how could I ever put it into words how much this all means to me… when it is all complete nonsense? I actually shed a tear trying to find a way to express everything it is to me… everything it means… words aren’t enough…
So I decided to call it off… 200 is no big deal…. HAPPY 199 BABY!
I get some sort of gift for this don’t I???