StoryTelling

Jul 17 2020

On your 21st birthday

Author: Kerry

Dear Johnathon…

How do I start a letter that is 21 years in the making? How do I explain to you how very fortunate I am to call you my son and even more so on your 21st birthday? I have loved you since I first laid eyes on you… forever crying (yes, that is actually all you did for the first 5 months of your life). Never sleeping (how things have changed) and always ready to see what the day will bring… So here we are on your 21st birthday. In a world I could never have prepared you for… living a part… trying to figure out a way to celebrate you… your youness… your fire/spark/light…. without actually being able to touch you… I stole a masked hug last week… we both choked up… I would GIVE ANYTHING to be holding you in my arms now.

Nothing much has changed since the first day I brought you home from the hospital (well… maybe the crying has ceased). You have always been my bundle of energy… always asking a million questions, always wanting to sword fight and although you may no longer sleep with your King Arthur sword… I believe you still own it.  Even now, I am sure if I emptied a roll of wrapping paper in front of you… Id get whacked with it as you screamed ‘touche” or “engarde!”

You really were a fantastic baby… crawling at almost five months and then walking at 11 months. Projectile vomiting at a measured 5 feet… which of course was my party trick. Your love of superman moved to power rangers to Harry Potter and then Star Wars. I think some things actually never change.

You have always been a quiet achiever… never wanting to bring attention to your self. Which you had no chance with a mother like me (sorry, son). Your humbleness is something I admire about you. Your great empathy in all that you do and your loyalty to those who you value the most.

I think for the most part it is who you are and the beliefs that you now have. You have never been one to worry what others may think if your views do not match theirs. Instead stood up for what and who you believe in, (even when they don’t necessarily match mine). Although we often butt heads (This last year? more often than not),

So, although I am not handing you anything on your 21st birthday which is significant to this part of your life… I am giving you a pat on the back for turning out to be a young man I am super proud to call my son. A young man with a big heart… a smart brilliant mind… a loyal personality… a wicked sense of humor… and a spirit like no other I have ever seen.

Thank you for at times when our roles get reversed. When you give me sound advice… thank you for taking care of your siblings… thank you for loving your nephews and niece so fiercely … and thank you for being you.

Now… It’s nice to tell the stories of your many talents and achievements… of your good looks and charm, of your loving spirit and the joy you brought into every room. But just as important… if not more… is the story of how hard you have tried… getting in the face of racism and violence and a world that didn’t provide equality for all to help anyone and everyone around you… Please accept my heartfelt congratulation on this day in your life, For all that you have achieved. Your BFG… sisters… our community and I… are very proud of you. Your exemplary qualities are beyond reproach; because you are loving… kind… understanding… respectful… considerate… friendly… ridiculously handsome… and most of all… you listen when spoken to.  You are one who is bound for greatness. Never let anyone take you off your track.  I am your mother… your biggest fan…. and I am still going to say this. Especially now that you are 21… Never let alcohol or any other substance legalized or prescribed take you off your track. Remember — you will be destined for better things in life. But I would love to celebrate your life and raise a glass to you… balance in all things… like the Avatar.

Bug, I have said lots of things in this letter to you. I don’t expect you to remember all that I have written on this blog. But this much… I would like for you to carry with you always: A fool always loses his temper; a wise man holds it back, takes that energy and turns it into motivation to change things… That is my hope for you… and I know that… with that super power of yours and with Kindness… Hope and so MUCH LOVE, you will live a meaningful and rewarding life. I am SO So so proud of you… proud of all you have done… proud of all you have not done… you are the greatest joy in my life. Happy Birthday Johnathon.

I love you so much!

Jul 14 2020

On your 14th birthday…

Author: Kerry

Dear Lacey;

Right now you are in your room thinking that life is completely and totally unfair. You are not wrong… And I am not going to read you this birthday letter this year because it is so sweet and sentimental… This is the year 2020… the year we are celebrating your birthday in the only way possible right now… and it wont be enough… and we will wear masks… this is a harsh truth… so because I have no idea what tomorrow will bring… I would like to explain myself to you this year… incase I cannot at some point wait for you to realize these things about me yourself.

The whole world is against you because there is not a single person in it that understands you… You would say that you love your friends… but the truth is that you love the thought of them than you do in real life. In real life… you can only handle spending so much time with them before they start to annoy you because, as I mentioned before… no one really understands who you are. This is absolutely perfect… and age appropriate… you are doing great!

Your room is trashed… The clothes that you beg for me to buy you are crumpled in a heap in the corner. When asked to clean – when asked to do anything, really – you roll your eyes (not to my face, because you are smart enough at this point to know that will set me off) because you have a thousand more important things to do like watch Disney + or check your phone. This is absolutely perfect… and age appropriate… you are doing great!

You are both obsessed with and terrified by boys. This is absolutely perfect… and age appropriate… you are doing great!

Some days you think you are pretty. Some days you are certain you are the ugliest person on earth. You are sure you are being left out… of something. Some party… some conversation… some sleepover is happening and you were deliberately excluded because no one cares how you feel. You have every right in the world to be moody because life is hard. School is pointless. There isn’t a person alive who hasn’t been able to get into the college they wanted to because they got crappy grades in Grade 8. Mostly though… life is just hard and complicated and difficult and confusing. Despite this… you are never given the credit you deserve for always knowing what’s what. You know what is best for you and there is nothing more irritating than someone else (like me) presuming that they know. This is absolutely perfect… and age appropriate… you are doing great!

I realize that when I broach these topics with you, you will not hear me. Despite all appearances… you are not a small adult. You cannot reason like an adult and so it is impossible for you to understand that I am trying to help you and guide you and not… ruin your life. This privilege I exert does not come from biology (obviously we are not biologically related) it comes from the fact that I have been exactly where you are and I have been navigating this life for a lot longer than you. It is true that everyone has a story… and everyone’s story is unique, but loss, pain, anger, confusion and sadness are universal. These feelings don’t separate you from the world… but rather they bind you closer to it. Someone out there is feeling the exact same way you do right now… including me, my angel girl, and I am only a few feet away. There will never be and can never be another you… but you are part of a magnificent community of humans. Humanity at times can be brutal and petty and mean-spirited… but that’s never an excuse for you to be that way. You are so much more and so much better than a bad day.

I am not your friend. I don’t care what you think about me. I am not aiming for popularity in our house. Most importantly… we are not equals. Think about it: how can we be equals if you depend on us for everything? If you’re going to take the iPhone… then you have to take the rules. Some people call it parenting. Mercenary me… I call it leverage. When you don’t need me for things… only advice and council… then we can explore a friendship.

When I ask you to do something right now… I am trying to teach you something about success. Procrastination is a dream killer. No one ever became a grand success by doing it later. You’re right… your room is yours. I am less concerned with the state of it than I am of your mind. Ever see a happy person on Hoarders? It sounds ridiculous to you… but a clean space makes it easier to be creative and productive.

I am not interested in you getting straight As (though, of course, your dad is), I am interested in you doing your absolute best. Sometimes you do your best and you fail,,, and you need to learn to be okay with that, too. You must learn to be good AT school, so it will be easier for you to be good AT college and AT work. Yes, of course… it’s pandering to a system… but everyone, regardless of status has to work within a system, unless you’re becoming a hermit which let’s face it… is never going to happen. When you become overly concerned with pleasing your friends and making them happy it takes away from your focus… your job… which right now is school. The balance you learn to strike right now will carry you through your entire life where can be vital. But… you cannot rely on a great friendship to buy you a house.

I don’t tell you often enough how beautiful you are. Even though you are stunning… I do guess I do this on purpose. Being beautiful should never be the most interesting thing about you. A girl who relies on her looks is setting herself up for disappointment. We live in a world where beauty can and will open many doors… but how you choose to open them and what you do inside becomes about character. Character, moral aptitude, empathy, grace- these are the traits that will carry on your beauty far after your looks are gone. You aren’t anywhere near understanding this right now… even though I am trying to lead this charge by example. When you look at me all you see is old… and lupus.

Unbelievably though… I was young (and not so long ago, I might add) once… and nothing you can say will shock me. I promise you this though: as long as you tell me the truth… you will never get into trouble… though I can’t promise I won’t be disappointed.

Until you have children or in our case… stepchildren of your own… you won’t realize the depth in which I love you. I would do anything for you and it is the great irony of life that the person I love so much… I am your greatest cheerleader and your biggest fan. Sometimes you scream “Why does she hate me!” when I cant help but over hear you fighting with your daddy. You don’t understand that if I indeed hated you… or felt a far more heinous thing… indifference… I simply wouldn’t bother. I would let you get on with it and shrug my shoulders and not say a word. When I stand my ground and open myself up to your vitriol and disregard and general railroading, that, angel girl… is love.

The most important thing for you to understand is though you may be convinced otherwise… whatever happens in this crazy…upside down life, you will never, ever be alone. I will be there… a few feet away… having a hobby you hate… or a TV series you would rather die than watch… cooking food you despise… Not looking up as you strike a pose… or stand in the doorway petulantly after spending 3 hours on your hair just hoping for a compliment… that isn’t coming… know I see you… know I know all of the things I have just written about you… and know that I am waiting for you to realize you do not need the outside validation… the attention you are seeking can only come from within… Happy Birthday My BEAUTIFUL AMAZING INCREDIBLE step daughter… you truly are a light in my life. I love you so much.

Your ever loving… Kerry

Covid-19 Pandemic Total for July 14, 2020 (new cases in last 24 hours)
Globally 12,964,809 cases (196,775) 570,288 deaths (3,634)

May 19 2020

Finding my way back…

Author: Kerry

Funny… as I use this blog more regularly through this than I have in years and year… that today I will use it to find my way back to a happier me. I am not going to spend a great deal of time rehashing my current unhappiness… I think it is self explanatory… I am also not going to rehash my life long battle with depression… that can also be found on this blog… yes… exploring all of those things are in here… self reflection is wonderful… a talent I have forgotten.

There are many things I have found through my life that work… that bring me peace. The only one of them I have been doing is painting… and it dawned on my last night… as I was painting… that there was something I could do right now… without waiting for anyone else… or anything else to happen… and that was to embrace gratitude

So without further ado… here is what I am grateful for at this moment:

Pizza (its my favorite- Ordered in for dinner last night… finished for breakfast this morning)

Charlie Bosephus Princess Fluffy Bottom – My side kick… my daytime companion… she isnt really affectionate… but she does like my body heat … So she sleeps between my legs all day long and well… she is just the cutest thing on the planet to set eyes on…

See I am at a point that I have to grab the closest things possible to be grateful… but now that the state of mind is setting in… I can stretch a little further… This blog… I love it… it truly is me…

The roof over my head… and the residents I share it with… no matter how much we annoy each other… no matter how much I love alone time and solitude… I love them… and am so grateful for them.

My addiction to painting and street art… it is the only service I currently give. I need to do more service at home… under this roof… because I am not currently behaving like I am grateful for them… today I will find a way to serve them all (The cats, the kiddo, mr amazing… and myself)

My health… I know it has been the biggest source of my angst… but it could be worse… and honestly… its not so bad

My Small, My Tall, My Tinies… This goes without saying

My friends… soul families… and sometimes even my blood family

New books… as the prequel to the Hunger Games came out today… and I fully intend to read it… beginning today.

Nature… an all it encompasses… the good… the bad… the scary… ugly… and the beauty.

So I am looking to heal…. gratitude is the start… but from this list I see many things I could do… on the daily… to improve my life… Sooooo im not really a goal setter… but here goes… Small bite sized goal

Today (no promise of tomorrow) I will show my gratitude for each of these things… I will find a way to thank my house family… to serve them… I will reach out to my out of house group… and remind them I love them… I will speak to one friend/soul family… I will spend a moment in nature… outside of my car… I will start that book… I will do something around this house I am grateful for… and something to stretch this body… that I am grateful for.

I sincerely hope with all of my being that whomever reads this … has a good day… and if not today… know that some day… some eventual tomorrow… will look different than this… and be grateful for all of it.

May 04 2020

May the 4th be with all of us…

Author: Kerry

As I psych myself up to write this… I contemplate how many things I have had to psych myself up for already today… getting out of bed… face washed… brushing my hair… teeth… eating… my morning drive… focusing on conversations… , remembering what I have to do and in what order… and this is all before midday.

I am not good at asking for help out in the real world. … Despite days of feeling fine and genuinely happy with life and the world … More often than not lately… I find myself crying… for no apparent reason at all…. I have struggled with depression my whole life… depression would cause me to sit in my room and cry… usually for no reason at all. This is different… This is something else all together and I can’t quite title it… or put my finger on it… I can’t quite believe how much my life has changed… I cannot wrap my head around where we are right now… I cannot envision tomorrow… next week… next month seem way out of the picture.

I am not raising any alarms… I am okay guys… I am just putting into words what surely we are all feeling.

This morning I went for my drive to check on my street art project… one of the locations… the location that I know people count on the most this year… was gone. Decimated.

It has been a source of peace for me… and happiness for others
This morning… Ugly cried

Do you know what though? Its okay… maybe it made someone feel better to pick it up… maybe it annoyed someone… maybe it got in their way?

Sigh

Today I am going to the Dentist! I get to go to the Dentist! Whoever thought I would be excited about that… it would’ve taken a Pandemic to make that happen… Luckily… we are in one.

Leaving the house on May the 4th? I’ve got just the outfit for that.

Let the Saga Continue…

Situation in numbers
Total (new cases in last 24 hours)
Globally 3 349 786 cases(82 763) 238 628 deaths (8657)

Apr 20 2020

The New Normal…

Author: Kerry

I hate the phrase… yet you cannot hear a news story with out it… sometimes it feels like people are trying to find a way to work it into a sentence I swear… but then yesterday I did a thing… and I had no other phrase to use as I tossed and turned all night long trying to make sense of things in my head.

Let me start this story by saying this… Sewing is against my religion

But… The New Normal… sigh

I bloodied a lot of fingers
My youngest grandchild’s and my matching masks
I made one for all of my kids.
and distance delivered… cause the new normal 🙁
Literally threw them from my car like I had a T shirt gun or I was Trump with paper towels.

it took me hours… half of them didn’t fit… I was still proud. I take a LOT of pictures… I mean a LOT. I love them… and I love to finish an adventure and then flip through them… and when I got home and laid on the couch… again… cause thats the new normal… I notice something in the photos…

Their eyes… Specifically my girls… but then looking closely… the boys as well.

Their eyes reminded me of their reaction…. Two weeks ago my house donned masks for the first time… we made masks (no sew version) as the CDC recommended and put them on..

We did not know how to make them… they were uncomfortable… but we did it… it was an exercise in feeling less helpless… we weren’t sure how to even put them on

We drew them on our favorite disney characters… used hoodies in stead…

Finally wore them when we went out for Easter Window coloring/Jellybean delivery

But what I didn’t realize is that these littles… were so little… that this new normal… is normal for them… and they were so happy to get masks… and didn’t even question having to wear them… they donned them instantly… in fact… they looked terrified to not have them on once they had them. The eyes of my Granddaughter haunted me all evening afterwards… and I reached out to a friend… and her mother to talk about it… because my heart was sick… and sad… I didn’t want them to feel that way.

They told me “Its not scary to them… Its kind of cool and fun to wear them… plus their Grandma made it for them… which makes it even better.” Something about that rang true to me… They weren’t scared… it was more about my sadness than theirs… even if their eyes are haunted. They aren’t haunted by the masks… they’re haunted by the panic in us. They are just trying to do anything to make that better.

Knowing I hadn’t scared them didn’t make me feel much better… I am still sad… but it did make me realize we have to do this… we can do this. I need those kids… and myself to be okay… I need to wrap my arms around them again… and cover their faces in kisses… I need to get close enough to tell them I love them… instead of using sign language through windows. This new normal is something I have to acclimate to… so we can get there.

As the world is losing their minds… protesting in large numbers… the stay at home orders… that aren’t even being enforced… but highlighted by right wing nut jobs (Our president specifically) I am back in my home… tucked into my couch desk… typing this taking is solace in the only thing I can. Love. I love them so much…. Love and the fact that this too shall pass… it is what it is.

One day soon I will make those haunted eyes lighten with laughter and excitement again… one day soon I will hold them… even if it is with masks on and we wash our hands after… and we don’t touch our faces… Soon.

“It’ll be okay, Mom” – thats what tall child told me. Today I am going to believe her.

The Sun is a daily reminder, that even after the darkest night… we will rise and shine again.
Apr 15 2020

Written Warning

Author: Kerry

From: Me

To: Charlie Bosephus

The Goodrich/Pack Estate

The 15th Day of April in the 2020th year of our lord.

Subject: Written Warning

Charlie,

Written on the 30th day of Quarantine – The M&M Deceiver Day

This letter serves to formally document your failure to comply with the service terms of our agreement. Your lack of adherence to such terms have been a great disruption to the workplace performance.

Though you have met your quota with regards to cuteness and comfort, your continuous cries for attention, the bringing of your favorite red string and laying it on my work items, the insistence in grooming yourself in front of my monitor and what I fondly refer to as “Trashing the Camp”

For an example of Trashing the Camp- please refer to the gorilla scene from Disneys Tarzan… the imagine it with a Kitty… in my Kitchen.

and general mayhem has resulted in significant loss of concentration and productivity.

While we value your contribution to our lives, I must insist that you demonstrate an immediate change in your workplace habits or you will face more severe disciplinary actions

Like I can make your red string disappear Bosephus!

Since you have no opposable thumbs… and cannot spell… when staring at me… bring me your string if you understand and agree to the details in this letter. Comments may be addressed to your supervisor and written on the back of this letter to be entered in to HR Record.

Let the record show… she brought her string….
Submission of Proof

Smiffbib – Vice President of said Estate

UPDATE 6-30-2020

On a call… Charlies in the kitchen just crying like a baby… truly the saddest cry you’ve ever heard… and I hear her start trying to drag her bowl to me in the living room… so I text My husband frantically to come feed her for me because I’m on a call… he finds her food thrown out of the bowl in the floor… but cleans it up and gives her more anyways… then I get handed this… 

My Response from my legitimate… real… HR Department that I really have sent these too?
BECAUSE IM LOSING MY MIND!!!??? “Naughty but such a cute cat!! I love these updates, but she better start getting her act together or she may need a new job, maybe a cat burglar would be a better fit! lol”
Apr 10 2020

End of the World… BINGO!!!

Author: Kerry

Soooo This was not on my Bingo Card… I’ve got plague… zombies… volcano … nope… no raccoon in the water supply…. anyone ? Anyone?

Surgeon general has corona virus warning: ‘This week, it’s going to get bad’

The disease is spreading, the surgeon general said, because many people are not following the guidance to stay at home. As the preacher who went to Mardi Gras?? (Do preachers do that for real?) Saying we were over reacting…dies from the virus

More so… This Virus is pointing out the inequality… We must flatten the curve… but we must also flatten inequality in health care… the economy… the level of Privilege… access to nutritious food and overall quality of life… It is the only way we can truly emerge from this tragedy with a semblance of hope for the future. People are dying… just dying everywhere.

and I hear the privileged just say… they want to go back to normal… that they are worried about the economy…. people are dying!!!!

I have my library friend in a motel… shes been there four weeks… I cannot afford to keep her there… I do not know what to do… When you are living in a shelter or crowded buildings with multiple family members… or on the street… you don’t have the luxury to socially distance… When you don’t have the luxury to work from home… you can’t avoid getting on a bus or other forms of public transportation to go to work… Ditto when you can’t afford your own car… can’t afford an Uber ride. It’s easy to socially distance in the suburbs or in affluent neighborhoods… but it becomes nearly impossible in crowded urban areas and in lower-income neighborhoods.

Her name is Christine… I Love Her… I do not yet know what to do… we have covered one more week in the Hotel… I spoke to her last night… she is well… but I can feel her string tightening… and it is all she is hanging on by..

How can I keep her alive??

Inequality… Lets talk about the privilege of being able to wear a non-medical mask in public… that is a racial thing… do not make me remind you about my friend in a hoodie… or my other friend who had been raised NOT TO RUN to the car regardless of the weather… how is this mask thing going to work out… I NEED YOU TO BE CONSCIENTIOUS in your judgments and witnessing.

Hang in there… hunker down but keep fighting… Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much… And… Together we will get through this….

I HAVE NOT LOST HOPE!

I am alive… definitely kicking… I realized something through all this
Lupus prepared me for this!This life you are all adjusting too… has been my life for 3 years… Today I fast… with the world…. lots of it anyways… out of solidarity and love of my family… and neighbors… Im an agnostic… what I do believe in is Love… Kindness… and Hope is my religion.
Im in good spirits… Just collecting my history… my story…

I love you guys.

Mar 24 2020

Quarantined 2020

Author: Kerry

So it seems to me… I would have thought about blogging more as this all started… but I didn’t… in fact… i’m in the second week of this… and it just now occurred to me I may want to document some of this for future generations… So I start by saying this… good morning! The government wants to throw your parents into a volcano because people can’t hang out at Starbucks…

So those of us that can… are working from home… I bought a hospital bed table as a desk… only fitting

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Why yes that is a giant cat tree in the background for Princess Fluffy Bottom Charlie Bosephus

If you happen to be my friend on Facebook… which you can only do if I know you in real life… much of this will be a repeat… but that’s what you get … you should’ve expected it if you know me in real life. Just saying… We humans are not the only ones losing our shit… overheard this morning in the kitchen from this fancy office of mine:
Smallest Child: You’re feeding them again?
Mr Amazing: Cats eat more when they are so insecure… its been a rough week.
Smallest Child: Awwwww poor baby! Don’t worry Shadow… you’re beautiful… you too charlie!!!
Me: BAHAHAHAHAHA
Mr Amazing: Food insecurity??

Apparently I do have very clear memories of living in Agoura California… the morning of the 19th of March I hopped in my car to check on my fairy city before work… when a pretty good earthquake rocked my car… I waited and when it stopped I went ahead and started to back out… thinking… no big deal… when my family came running outside terrified… and I realized… they had no idea what was happening… and I was business as usual … Wanna know a secret? I started nightly check ins with my adult kids over a weeks ago when I became a shut in… and it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. 🤣😂 highlight of my day. An earthquake… I couldn’t make this shit up guys… So that is the fear spoken of with my tinies.
I present an example-

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The earthquake prompted this public service announcement- I mean we have been drilling for this my whole life…. now the pandemic? thats a different story

<Uses cat carrier as a soap box> Well… That was disaster number… dude I’ve lost count… since my Grandpa Eccles died… right before he passed away he talked to me about space food and space water as I was a newly single mom and he wanted me to be prepared … he was a Scouting enthusiast and wanted me to be able to take care…. when the refinery exploded we evacuated without the super duper amazing 72 hour kit I had finally bought at his recommendation… when the pipes froze and the wind took out our power for a week … it sat in the closet forgotten… Corona virus prep- food and water bought- tasers ordered!!! it was still in the closet…. today the earth shook… and though it wasn’t HUGE and we had no property damage or anything- we prepared – we drilled- I demanded we review safety- and meeting places- water bottles put in the car… and granola bars 😬 no 72 hour kit though… Until now… as things have calmed down to the normal pandemic hysteria… we pulled it out… made sure it was up to date… and planned a little better… we also built princess fluffy bottom and shadow man an emergency kit… just In case… so use this time to be grateful… and remember all the things you forgot… we can do this guys! If my Grandpa could get me thinking that way… anyone can prepare-AND put together a pet emergency kit 🙂 wanna know how to quiet your anxiety? Have a plan. <drops mic like Moroni trumpet drops and puts the carrier by the door>

Yes – The Salt lake city Temple Moroni lost his trumpet… it was kinda the inspiration to some of the greatest puns and memes of all time and space LOLOL.

So many things happened as we were preparing to believe what was coming was really coming Covid-19, the outbreak… now pandemic… you will have to read what happened elsewhere… but since I am SUPER immune compromised… the BFG insisted I quarantine earlier than everyone was made too… which we are in the midst of watching happen now… and well Sundays just arent magic without these guys… social distancing sucks… but I’m grateful for for video chat… and filters 😍 love them sooooo much.

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Tall Child – The best mom I have ever had the honor of watching raise her 4 babies.
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She has 3 Boys!!!
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AND My baby girl!

We Leprechauned… and Set up Fairy City… and well…. I will have to share those happy stories when I am feeling more happy… right now I am just missing my people 🙁 Out of town visits planned before the #coronavírus – let us demonstrate #socialdistancing

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Small Child and Danielle … Yes… thats my baby boy who at 2 years old made up the word Smiffbib…. then he got all 20 and shacked up with his girlfriend (who I adore btw) and well Smiffbib.

March 12th this isolation from work began… I left as much love and light as I had that day… and I know the world will look COMPLETELY different after this… if I am lucky enough to come out the other side… I will be happy… but honestly guys… if not… im good. I mean… not that I want to give up or anything… but the acts of kindness … the sheer beauty of the human spirit that rises up and shows itself when this happened… well… im so very proud to be part of it… and part of this race… and guys… it will get better… we can do better… always… but damn… im so proud.

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Okay- thats all for now. Understand this when I say. I am good. I have experienced more love… more hope… more joy… than any one person deserves. This life is beautiful and terrible and then beautiful again. I am here for it as long as it will have me… but if I had one thing I had to say today it is this… I LOVE YOU… I just fucking LOVE you… so much… people are good… so good… and we are such beautiful creatures of hope and kindness and curiosity… dont let anything take that from you… now… go do something… literally anything… to make things better. I Love you

Dec 21 2018

Winter Solstice 2018 – A season of story telling.

Author: Kerry

According to the National Museum of the American Indian
The winter solstice begins a season of storytelling and ceremony… I would like to spend a few minutes of this solstice wrapping up my unfinished story… and begin on a fresh page… my new story. (and after you read that, I really do recommend reading the article from the Smithsonian above… its kind of amazingly perfect)

For some history…. THIS and then THIS

But if you have been following along these sporadic… every 60 to 90 days postings… I believe I left you here…

I blogged about the tumor arriving two days after they removed it… I blogged about it being the size of a grapefruit or softball… before my post op check… and before pathology… and before anyone told me the doctors had kept me in surgery two hours longer than anticipated… Darth Lumpious was 13.5 centimeters… It was an eggplant not a grapefruit… and then pathology came back, although as predicted… it was benign.

Recovery did not go quite as expected…. obviously a tumor that large left a very deep (Multiple tissue layers sliced and stitched) very large gap in my leg… it also has permanently atrophied my hamstring and nerves… My skin did not grow and heal like one would expect… staples stayed in twice as long as normal… my body never began to heal and push them out… so we removed them… and began wound treatment….

This bloody mess of a bathroom was after the initial clean up after returning from the ER… and when I finally decided that I needed a photo… This is all that was left… but I lost over a gallon of blood that had collected in the gap left… and filled and filled until it burst through the incision and all over my house… car…. husband… and ER…. RIP Towels Bathroom rugs and Clothes lost in the massacre. (FTW Cat Litter Absorbs Blood!!!) So here I am, almost 90 days out from surgery, and the initial incision is healed… still working on the under layers of tissue (Sutures are still there)… I will walk with a cane the rest of my life…. anything longer than a city block… and to be honest… more than that some days if it is cold… or I pushed too hard … I was angry about this at first… but then someone reached out to me… offered me a loved ones cane… left behind when he left the earth. Suddenly I understood using a cane was a privilege… and I gratefully accepted it.

  • Thank you Rhonda

No Leukemia, Tumor Benign, Left with no other diagnosis… I was finally given a diagnosis of Negative ANA Lupus. Which if you have watched House MD, you will find as much comfort in this as I do…. Bahahahahaha… Of the 11 markers of Lupus, I have 5… but not the Positive ANA 98% of Lupus patients have… So rheumatology is where I am headed… and I am sure they will be able to help me… My fever of unknown origin has been back for a several months… and is now manifesting a new symptom… I am unable to regulate my body temperature…

And during all of this life moved forward….
I manage my desk job… Mr Amazing runs the house… Cooks… Shops…. Covers me in blankets and removes my boots… To the moon and back doesn’t adequately describe my love for him…. It is the size of the Universe!!!

The Shit he does for me LMAO!!!

Tall child had a birthday party that will go down in history… Christmas has come…

  • Cutest Modge Podge family of love not blood that ever was.
Where all fairies go in the winter.
Even a little Christmas Magic occurred.

I have lost some friends…. memory… and ability.

But I have gained so much (yes… weight as well)

I am so grateful to be alive… I am so very grateful for my Talls, Smalls and Tinies… I have friends that never left… even when I forgot about them. (I forget everything currently in case you are wondering… I’ve had to scroll back to the top of this at least five times to see what I have written) … I do not know what I did in my life to deserve all of this… but it must have been good.

Oh… Did you really read this all the way to the end???
You get to see the CUTEST KITTEN ON THE PLANET THEN!!!
Sep 27 2018

Darth Lumpious… The Tumor dressed in Star Wars attire.

Author: Kerry

Meet Darth Lumpious

A few weeks after the bone marrow biopsy I got what Dr Google convinced me was sciatica … which is pretty normal after such a procedure… however the weeks that followed slowly showed me that is not what it was… rapidly and uncomfortably this mass grew in my leg… I can talk about it now… because it is out. 48 hours ago they sliced me open and removed it… it shows characteristics of being benign…. meaning no tentacles or teeth id assume? although it would have made for a funner blog post if it had …. ha!

Created for the National Cancer Institute, http://www.cancer.gov

Darth Lumpious measured somewhere between the egg and the peach on this helpful little comparison chart.

We do not have the pathology back yet… but i’ll take the lack of teeth and tentacles as a good sign… I have good drugs… and a positive attitude and truly the most supportive loving tribe on the planet.

Mr Amazing has been by my side the whole time, and I am not always a model patient… I do not know what I would do without him. I cannot even begin to imagine what this has felt like for him… and he offers to help with everything while repeated being snarled at that I can do things myself… he still offers… I love him so much.

My Smalls have been helpful… and my tinies have been my comfort leading up to this.

My Charlie Bosephus… My favorite gift of all time and space from Mr Amazing has been the cutest side kick to recover with ever…

There is so much more to this story… and if I were not completely mind numb from pain pills I would entertain you with stories of the two surgeons who didnt want to touch it… and the two hour MRI where I was positive I was going to die in there…. and the Ultrasound tech who had no poker face… but I will save that and leave this as a simple update and record of whats happening in my world.

I am so grateful for everyone in my life… I cannot even begin to imagine what I have done to be so lucky to have them…. Life is good… the lump is gone