Post Secret… and my fictitious bucket list (if I had one… this would have been on it.)

So Yesterday…. okay… settle in … this is long …There is this mental health art project called Post Secret…. anyways… When working on a Crisis line a man named Frank Warren got this idea to have people mail him their secrets, anonymously…. 2 rules to it, No Glitter, No Blood… and it went viral…people sent in the most beautiful postcards… painted… drawn… and he would post them on the blog and it was amazingly powerful… some of the secrets are awful, some are beautiful, some are funny some are sad… but regardless what they were … someone out there related to them… So he became famous… and tours college campuses lecturing on mental health… and suicide prevention etc… so obviously I’m a fan… from day one…. He came to the U of U once- I bought tickets the day they went on sale…but I was going through my divorce… and I chickened out going alone….So I gave them to a coworker, who had never heard of it, and she returned to work the next day with flowers for me and told me I had changed her life….fast forward (i have mailed several of my own in) to last night, he is doing it online, because of the pandemic… live on zoom…so I registered and watched him last night, Bucket list moment for me (I do not make bucket lists… its a phrase)

There were two AH HA moments

One- he showed his curio cabinet…. in it was my secret… you’ll know its mine… because it is a painted canvas… that I wrote my secret on the back… he has it turned to the secret is showing.. not the painting…For whatever reason out of the 17 million secrets sent in from all over the world… this felt very validating

Second- He showed a postcard secret that was “The longer I stay married, the less opinions I have”…. and dude… that hit me like a ton of bricks…I knew when I married Mr. Amazing that it would be hard… he is SO protective… and thinks what he knows is right and the best… about everything… because he does so much research into it to have the very best… I think this comes from growing up in poverty. But I knew I was strong enough to keep myself … in this pandemic it is harder and harder… and the more lupus progresses… it is harder and harder… but I am still strong enough to have my own opinions…. and I am still ridiculously convinced that he is the greatest man on the planet… and I love him so much.

Wanna know my secret on that canvas is?

It says “I would be atheist, if it weren’t for the fact that I believe in Angels and have witnessed miracles… I have seen angels around me… they have stopped me from hurting myself… YOU have to let go and let God (or whatever you call your higher power)… And how is it… that the Agnostic… is the one that reminds everyone of that?”

I dont often tell people that secret but it is true

Its why I volunteered for anything and everything… because I knew it was okay

Its why I do everything I do… because I was fortunate enough to see them… I knew I had to help remind others they arent alone

I was lucky and I am not dumb enough to look a gift horse in the mouth

I can show you my scars… I can tell you my story…

we are meant for so much more than this

I get mad – just so you know

because I try to make you see yourselves as individuals… and you are abusing yourselves it is cruel, inhumane really, and once I point out that you are worthy good humans… and you are being cruel worthy good humans… Maybe it will help.

Everyone hates themselves sometimes…everyone gets frustrated with their inabilities…Its been almost thirty years, and Im grateful… I am so grateful… I lived… I am so grateful I got help…I am so grateful that It was so long ago… and it is so easy to talk about now…I was just a kid

Okay- but do me a favor… When you are thinking of all the cleaning… when you are “shoulding” on yourself … make a schedule… bed sheets once a week… floors once a week … everything has a place… pants can be worn twice… everything else once…shower daily

even doing those things will help you have a sense of pride… it will help the self esteem… having a plan, and a routine, and a schedule helps SO MUCH. Living in cleaner conditions also helps… you’re doing all the right things….

8 hours sleep (at night) … three meals a day…those things help so much

if you can, add one random act of kindness to the list, and one self care…. these can be things you are doing already… but calling them that makes you more self aware…calling your shower the nice thing you did for yourself, is better than just showering… taking out the garbage and picking up one item on the way from the ground can be the random act…people do it anyways, they just arent mindful about it…

Perfect- and if you do all those things… you will do so much better… you still may need therapy… but it gets so much better…life gets so much better

and you will know you did all you could to help others… that’s important too.

I Hope this message found you, when you needed it. You are not alone. You are so very much enough… you are loved.