StoryTelling

Apr 19 2012

… This moved me

Author: Kerry

One of my favorite things about spring and summer are the festivals… Art festivals to be exact…I attended an arts festival last year and wrote this post then… I wanted to reshare on the shiney new blog… I enjoyed it so much that I don’t leave the festival until I have experienced everything it has to offer…. I was standing in line with two beautiful children waiting for the face painters when the smallest angel started to fidget… I left Mr amazing with my son, and took his daughter to wander a little… Right next to the line was this booth, with the colors and textures and visuals screaming my name…  I first caught sight of this jump suit… bedazzled and bespectacled over every inch of the surface, and I guided said smallest child towards it, as the darling four-year old loved beads and jewels and anything sparkly really… she ooohhhhed and ahhhhhed enough that I dared take her in further to this booth… cautioning her not to touch anything…. Amazingly enough she listened… maybe she was moved by what she saw as much as I was….
You see the sweet artist in this picture, She was so kind


http://www.kathyross3d.com/

There was a little haven from the world in this booth, every worry and stress I was carrying with me melted away as my senses normally used to focus on them was distracted by the sculptures… I forgot about how I was going to pay the bills, How in the world I was going to manage all the upcoming events… What I was going to make for dinner… Hurt feelings… Anxiety… Physical aches and pains… and entered what could only be described as the world of a Book.

You are what you read… This is the one I would want to be… The secret garden

We spent a good 15 minutes in there, mesmerized, and captured before rejoining our group to tell them about the magic happening over in that little tent, in the heat of the day, and we returned the next day… so the boys could see it this time… and they too were awed, and touched…. Sometimes I think we forget to look at things from a different view, that there is more to this life than bills and worries… There are still beautiful things to show our children… and that it can’t be found in a classroom, or a bank account, or a clean home….


This was my personal favorite, It reminded me there is more out there, than my small little view… Better things are coming… and the world still can be beautiful.

I needed that… and it moved me…. I will be saving up for this piece.

Apr 18 2012

… Its a rough day to be me … Here’s a Glimpse

Author: Kerry

Ever have one of those days where you step out of the house and realize your Shirt/tunic isn’t as long as you had thought it was and your sweater isn’t really covering everything you thought it should….  

So, now you are wearing what appears to be an oversized t-shirt with leggings that aren’t as dark in bright office lightning as they were at home through half closed eyes and soothing lights….

None of which you should be wearing in the first place because your too fat?

Unless (in my head at least) The tunic is so dazzling and just long enough to cover your thighs and the roll of fat around your knees…. and the leggings are not a second skin, or mistaken for tights… and are dark in color…

all of which these leggings apparently now that I have had a cup of coffee are not…. 

So I sit at my desk… not wanting to walk anywhere… like to the bathroom… so people wont see me… and think I don’t know how unflattering the whole ensemble is … and I start researching surgical options… and then wishing I had the will power to just not eat at all….

This is where good intentioned people try to support me… and tell me to eat smaller portions… small snacks all day… drink a lot of water.. exercise… Do you think that there is anyone left in this world that eats 4 slices of pizza and HONESTLY doesn’t know better?

Of course not

But by all means… please keep dispensing the advice… as obviously I must need it.

while I go on an inner rampage against everything that is wrong with me… and choke back tears… even as I scream in my head that I am too weak, and cry too much….

Yes… keep talking please…

And this walks me through cravings of each of my overcome crutches…. I want to smoke… I want to drink until I don’t care or feel anything…. I want to exhibit some sort of self-destructive behaviour….. I acknowledge the cravings… but never act on them….

This cycle.. The one you just read through (even though I really do look like a stuffed sausage in these tights) is how I deal with fear…

My Fear generally has absolutely nothing to do with the cycle of self deprecating I put myself through…

Today it was my body… but there are other choice topics… My mothering skills can just as easily fall under attack… and the list is endless

Self Loathing comes way more naturally to me than Self Preservation… or Self esteem… Or well…. musical talent …

It’s a rough day to be me.

 

 

 

Apr 17 2012

… Its Kinda like a Holiday… Its Bloggess Day!

Author: Kerry

I woke up this morning… Open my Kindle… and watched in awe as the book downloaded to my device…. Squeeeeeee!!! So to my own blog… whose holiday it is not… I apologize for the neglect as I read this… But… to make it up to you… I will give an EBook copy of this magic as a Bloggess day gift for your very own…. Comment… Baffle me with Bullshit… I will pick a random commenter and squeee in unison with them… YAY US!

 

The whole thing is I just like her that much… I dont care about visitors to my site… no offense… but Im not selling shit… Im just having fun 🙂

Apr 16 2012

Adult Night Terrors Revisted

Author: Kerry

Night terror

Definition – Night terrors are a sleep disorder in which a person quickly awakens from sleep in a terrified state.
Causes, incidence, and risk factors  – Night terrors (sleep terrors) occur during deep sleep, usually during the first third of thenight. The cause is unknown but night terrors may be triggered by fever, lack of sleep, or periods of emotional tension, stress, or conflict. – In contrast, nightmares are more common in the early morning. They may occur after someone watches frightening movies/TV shows or has an emotional experience. A person may remember the details of a dream upon awakening, and will not be disoriented after the episode. – Night terrors are most common in boys ages 5 – 7, although they also can occur in girls. They are fairly common in children ages 3 – 7, and much less common after that. Night terrors may run in families. They can occur in adults, especially with emotional tension.

http://www.healthcentral.com/sleep-disorders/sleep-problems-2354-108.html

They come in waves… As stated above they are common when there is a lot of emotional tension… I have them almost nightly lately it seems… I bolt upright confused, and then immediately embarrassed…. I scream out sometimes…. I have been known to run out of bed… or run out into the living room before realizing I am awake…I am always confused by how I got from where I was when my eyes were closed to where I am upon opening them… I hate feeling weak, they leave me gripped in such terror that it can take a long time to unwind my muscles again, pull my shoulders down from my ears, work out the “Charlie Horses” in my calves… Uncurl my toes, Unfold my arms from around my stomach…. Breathe deeply instead of quick and Shallow….  There are times I go months without them, there are times I have actually normal nightmares where I am being chased, or drowned by a tidal wave…. But mostly, Mostly it is these terrors, repeats of things I have experienced in real life, in short flash like images, .. Being held down… Being hit… the car rolling… Lifeless baby… a fist at my face… a fist at someone elses face… Faces distorted by a noose, in a casket… Blood, Emergency rooms… Life light helicopters… Trying to break car windows… Screaming her name hoping to wake her up… Different Homes… Different beds… all the places I have slept… Him jumping through the glass on the ninth floor of Artec… My grandpa passing away… Other peoples nightmares that they have shared with me… Over and Over again…. Sometimes I reach out… Sometimes I try to run away… Sometimes I cry because its just sad… Sometimes I am so afraid I don’t sleep again… Sometimes I don’t fully wake up at all and hear about it the next morning… Sometimes I wish they would stop… But mostly, They just are…

Apr 15 2012

If my Body was the Hunger Games… The odds are not in my Knees favor

Author: Kerry

So if you haven’t read the other posts on this blog… You’re probably going to have to read this to have this make some sense… For those of you in a hurry… or lacking the ambition to research my bizarre history.. Lets just sum it up… I get injured a lot… More than most… and well… I hate doctors… and usually do the exact opposite of what they tell me to do… So picture if you will…. Wednesday before Easter I give into unbelievable nagging pain in my left knee … This isn’t really new… my knees have struggled since rolling my car down an embankment… even before that really, when that same knee was hit by the car trying to hit me and take my purse… or even the multiple times that I have woken up on the floor after having a night terror and running out of bed, usually the impact is what wakes me up… oh… and I’m fat… So if my body were the hunger games… the odds are not in my knees favor…. Well, It was time to have it checked as walking was becoming impossible… so much for pretending it wasnt happening… So I went… He wiggled both my knees… told me I was probably getting arthritis from the accident… but that the left one was very loose and he believed there was a tear, he wrote me a prescription for pain pills, which I made him exchange for something non narcotic… because… I hate feeling drugged and an anti inflammatory that was safe for my ulcer and referred me to an orthopedic office… which I through the contact info on the floor of my car… and refused the offered brace… and drove away figuring it would take care of itself and I would take the medicine to get through the day and go on my stubborn ass way… because that’s what I do…. Fast forward through the next week… starting with by the end of the night I cannot walk any more, and am so miserable I am in tears and icing it with frozen brown rice… I love brown rice…. soon that time creeps up to after work… then lunch time… then Friday morning… I am walking up the stairs to work.. after being off the knee for a full 10 hours… and It is so painful to climb those stairs that I call the orthopedic and make an appointment for first thing monday morning… stubbornness is replaced by fear… My knee is so stiff and swollen that it is impossible to sleep without pain pills… I’m trying to keep myself down but the dull ache is like the root of a tooth dying in your mouth… throbbing… and painful… Ice helps for a bit… the pain pill helps for a bit… it just adds to my natural .. or unnatural according to some need to be on the move… and pick up… and clean counters… and vacuum or go for a drive.. or visit friends… But I am trying… Mr. Amazing is being more than amazing, he has probably worked 80 hours this last week, and has the smallest child giving him a run for his money, yet he is taking care of me, demanding me to stay off it, helping with dinner, doing all the laundry… He earned his nickname for a reason… So this laptop is propped up on my good knee… good for how long who knows… and the bad one is laid out in front of me… the throb agitating me to the point of a thin sheen of sweat over my forehead… and I turn to the one thing that always makes me feel better… writing.. even if it’s not something that will particularly entertain you as you read it…

Apr 12 2012

Chicken Cherry Cola … and 7 other misheard Lyrics

Author: Kerry

I wanted to write a funny post about how I got some song lyrics wrong…and I started to draft it out and realized it was a little bit more of a tangled web I needed to weave if I expected anyone to follow it…  So I am going to Type it… and you are going to either close the site at this point… or love it…

All of my friends have a nickname… and my smalls… and my Mr. Amazing… you get the idea … This story is about Bacteria… who let’s be honest… may be solely responsible for my nickname fetish… Bacteria is Bacteria because her last name at the time was Renteria… and well… Bacteria is funnier… She calls me Buzzer

We met working in a local convenient store many many moons ago … when I was taking night classes and they offered tuition reimbursement… So we opened the store at 5 am to receive deliveries… One day there was an alarm going off inside the store… Looking at the safe alarm… it wasnt it… looking at the emergency shut offs for the gas pumps… it wasnt it… I couldn’t find it anywhere… The coke delivery guy showed up just as I was about to call for help (no really, I was dialing the fire dept)… and simply walked behind the counter and hit snooze on the alarm clock (thanks a heap evening shift guy) … Hence the name buzzer… and a life long friendship

 At said store we were stocking shelves to a well choreographed routing of  I Want you -Savage Garden when I sang 

 “anytime I need to see your face I just close my eyes… mumble mumble … CHICKEN CHERRY COLA”

… and well… you can imagine the reaction… we googled the lyrics … (see above link if curious about the correct ones)  BUT This year… 15 years later… 15!! I was vindicated with this post on my Facebook wall…

 (thanks bacteria) and I realized I am not alone!!! What other ones do you get wrong?

Here are my Top 7

1-       Elton John — ‘Tiny Dancer’

Me: “Hold me closer, Tony Danza.”
Real: “Hold me closer, tiny dancer.”

2-      Pearl Jam — ‘Glorified’

Me: “Horrified virgin on a pelican”
Real: “Glorified version of a pellet gun”

3-      Manfred Mann’s Earth Band –‘Blinded by the Light’

Me: “Wrapped up like a douche”
Real: “Revved up like a deuce”

4-      Van Halen — ‘Panama’

Me: “You reach down between my legs… squeeze the seed bag.”
Real: “You reach down between my legs… ease the seat back.”

5-      Adele — ‘Chasing Pavements’

Me: “Should I just keep chasing penguins?”
Real: “Should I just keep chasing pavements?”

6-      Creedence Clearwater Revival — ‘Bad Moon Rising’

Me: “There’s a bathroom on the right.”
Real: “There’s a bad moon on the rise.”

7-      Eagles — ‘Desperado’

Me: “You’ve been outright offensive for so long now.”
Real: “You’ve been out riding fences for so long now.”

Mr. Amazing donated unknowingly the Pledge of Allegiance as he recited it in his younger years to honor this post 🙂

“I plague a league dance to the flag, of the young knighted states of America, Aunt two republics with wicker stands, one nation, under God, Invisible, witch liver tea and just this for all”

Apr 09 2012

The View from inside a Panic Attack

Author: Kerry

The view from inside a panic attack…  

Disclaimer: I do not claim to have the same experiences as others… I do not claim to know what it feels like to be in your skin… Im just telling you what its like living in my own skin. Holidays, Such as easter are a huge trigger… I don’t know a lot of people who are in my situation that they are not a trigger for…

 They build for days… They didn’t used too… I used to just have them…. But I have learned enough coping skills that I can usually head them off… and function around them… in fact so practiced that I can do this without anyone being aware they are happening… This is a description of one that none of my behavior changing techniques have worked on… and I feel completely helpless too…               

Start Sunday one week prior…. Mild head ache… Muscles tensing… appetite gone… but I over eat regardless hoping to bury it in spicy Indian food … Release a little extra serotonin… bile rising in my throat… My noise tolerance and touch tolerance is wavering… sometimes I want to get lost in my senses… sometimes I cant handle them being touched at all… I’m snappy… Exasperated… stressed… every little task put in front of me is met with the question of how… how am I supposed to do that… how am I going to do that… I am already riding myself for not accomplishing everything I think I should be right now…. Pause… pull out a notebook… writing can help so much… Mr. Amazing bought me this domain saying that If I didn’t write… he thought my head would explode…  hoping the paper will make it seem less overwhelming…Monday arrives…thinking that I put way too much pressure on myself… and perhaps this just doesn’t need to be that big of a deal… the tense muscles are now cramping… Shoulders are hunching without thought given to them… thighs are clenched as I draw my legs up to my chest when I sit… when I sleep… I keep moving… still not giving in… Tuesday is here now… I do not eat much during the day… Over compensate for that at night… treating myself  and indulging in an hour of TV … I cannot get through a sentence without sounding sharp and biting… My stomach at this point has joined in the muscles cramps… it is rolling in protest… If it carried a sign like the occupy movement.. it would read “Ulcer will not be silenced”… and it flares up… Short breaths are all I am capable of now … filing away all of the emotions and fears that are accompanying this  kind of silent hyper ventilation…. My eyes begin to show strains of the… tenseness… funny breathing pattern… every once in a while I feel my heart hammer against the cage of my ribs… and I breathe deep… and try to think about anything else…. Wednesday… I am sick… It hurts to walk… I cannot relax my legs… and the muscles are weak from the constant holding… my feet fall asleep every time I sit because I am holding my legs so close… limbs in close to my core at all times… arms wrapped around my center… legs drawn up… every ligament tense and working… shoulders drawn up to the lobes of my ears at this point… I start wearing layers of clothes so that people cannot see these strange expressions of panic… I cannot drop my shoulders.. the muscles have locked… I begin lowering my head so the hunching is less apparent… My shoulder blades are cramping if I breathe deeply… I am on the couch… everything hurts… I am so cold (I think this comes from being so still) I am wrapped in a blanket and move like an old woman … careful… painfully… and the tears start… This is always the end for me… I cannot stop crying… I have officially stressed out everyone around me… and they aren’t even sure what is happening… I have cut them off… not allowed them to talk… lectured them endlessly for things that I honestly hold myself responsible for… such as remembering little details… I verbally empty my head… and every thought and fear I have… while sobbing and shredding tissues… I don’t allow Mr. Amazing to reason with these thought… I think them… reason doesn’t make that go away… and I finally exhaust my tear ducts… that are now almost swollen shut… and I crawl in bed with tissue… because often the crying continues through the night while I sleep… Monday morning … Today … I am embarrassed… Humiliated… weak feeling… trying to make up for my behavior… my fears of shortcomings… everything I tore myself apart for the night before… and my shoulders start creeping up again… and tears are hovering in the corners of my eyes… I do not interact with anyone around me… I am trying desperately to cramp back up… get those safeguards secure again… I think it might be over… I am not sure yet… I begin the coping mechanisms again… writing being my favorite.

Apr 08 2012

… That damn bunny!!!

Author: Kerry

I remember thinking that when I had kids of my own that there were some super lame holidays I just wouldn’t get sucked into…. and before we go all righteous on the religious meaning behind them…. you’re the people telling your kids fictitious characters come into their homes in the dead of night and leave them things…

… Santa I understood… he sees you when your sleeping… he knows when your awake… all that creeper stuff…. I get it.. besides I love Christmas magic… I really do… but let’s go over a few I don’t get…. the tooth fairy…. okay seriously disturbing… and I’m not the only one who thinks so… there are horror movies about it…. and beyond that… gross… what am I supposed to do with that tooth… I remember sneaking through my mothers drawer and finding them… eek… what’s she gonna do with them.. give them to me with my baby stuff…. “Thanks a heap for the rotting hunk of bone from my prepubescent mouth Mom! ”

… and of course the Easter bunny…. anyone wanna take a stab at explaining the sense behind this tradition and not make it sound lame? … good luck…. but of course by the time I had the small child .. I was not the only person with a vested interest in his up bringing… and MIL had known my plans to deprive him of this weirdness….. and blackmailed me with threats of trying to indoctrinate him into organized religion if I didn’t participate in her favorite holiday…. so… obviously she won…. he was almost two when we introduced this holiday to him…. he loved coloring the eggs…. he could have spent hours bathing those precious little cooked eggs in colors … and he left them in the fridge in his crayon decorated and stickered carton… went to bed happily chirping about eggs and them representing spring…. and the colors were so pretty… in the morning he awoke to a chocolate laden basket… with jelly beans… and stuffed bunny larger than his tiny toddler body…. the Easter bunny had come… and he ran to check on his eggs hoping the bunny had liked them… only to find the empty Carton on the kitchen counter …. his grandma and father were poised with cameras to catch the reaction of his first egg hunt…. I wish I had caught their reactions to his…. small child’s face skewed into the angriest most disgusted expression I had ever seen… then in a low voice spit out the words…”That damn bunny took my eggs! “…. shocked to say the least someone pointed out a hidden egg to him and suggested perhaps that bunny had just hid them…..(I laughed uncontrollably through the entire charade… muttering that damn bunny everytime he looked like he may have gotten over his fury… keeping his rage harnessed) … oh he found those eggs.. proclaiming the Easter bunny the “biggest jerk ” as he found the eggs one by one… until each of his beautiful eggs were back in the carton where they belonged… and then he ate that chocolate rabbit… it was in vengeance, biting those ears off angrily… for the prank that had been played on him….that damn bunny! the following year he drew scary faces on the eggs to try to scare the bunny off…. this year he is helping me make the basket for smallest child… and he still thinks the Easter bunny sucks …. I couldn’t agree more.

Apr 06 2012

Pause for a Love story

Author: Kerry

Friday Flashback!!! ( I say that like it a theme… or a real thing… it’s not) I just found an old post I had written about the night Mr. Amazing proposed to me…

Tuesday, September 6, 2011
In the middle of Suicide awareness week… approaching all the 9/11 memorial images flashing across the web… 1 week before my 38th birthday… I would like to pause… and tell a love story…

Sunday night… 8 pm, I finally … Stop focusing on the self loathing… and the injustices…. resentments… insecurities… fears… I finally agree to a night out… Just the two of us… There is a Super Nova! We will never see anything like this again… We pack an ill-gotten telescope (Ill gotten because I was ill over what was spent on it) and swing through Walgreen’s for canned coffee (this was before I discovered the magic beans … Addicted to Coffee ), and gummy coke bottles (find some, trust me)… and we set off driving through the desert… These moments are so rare… Rare just the two of us… and we talk, about ridiculous things… we cringe a little over insecurities… Walk through every horrible past relationship we have had and make comparisons to the relationship we have now.. we discuss our isms….

 Then, on some god forsaken road… in some crazy little town… we stop… We get out… Careful not to shut the doors, you know… incase the boogie man comes… and we laugh… and we giggle… and we ooohhh and ahhhh at the night sky… He fumbles with the telescope… trying in the dark to make it work… We take turns down on the pavement, trying to see anything in the great black vastness of space… We line it up with the google stars app… but to no avail… we hide in the car as another vehicle passes… prepared to run… leaving the telescope … if they are the dreaded mass murders that always find stupid young kids in the middle of no where… I sit in the back of the hatch back… he sits on the ground… cursing the telescope… and I am laughing hysterically as the clouds set in… making the stars invisible to the naked eye… even the moon… and he is so frustrated…

… and I tell him he really is the best thing that has ever happened to me… and he stops… crawls across the pavement on hands and knees… and kisses me.. and tells me he is so glad I think so… and asks me to marry him… Ring in hand… I think I said the word yes… I believe if not, my kisses confirmed that I wanted too… I so want too… I slip the ring on my finger… I cannot see it in the dark… I am ridiculously crazy in love with him… we have a lot to get through… telling the kids… telling the exes (oh god.. the crazy other parents of our children)… Figuring out logistics… convincing me, that 38 isn’t too old… and the world isn’t too horrible… and I deserve to be happy and healthy … and  Forgetting everything else… I will leave this one as the love story 🙂

Apr 02 2012

“Every Town Has an Elm Street” Freddie Kruger

Author: Kerry

Okay… I’m sure even my town has an Elm Street…  But I used the quote in reference to another thing every town has….  in my town it’s called “Dead Man’s Curve” … As I am trying to reconcile some events in my life… it is quite a story if you can manage to look at the perspective of place rather than time….

…I am sure I am not alone in this being the spot I got my first kiss… or had my first sip of beer… and peed behind a truck… (Yeah, it happened more than once)… Not only did Relationships start with a kiss there (Not even my first kiss! Which as mentioned was also there) … but it ended there with my tearing apart my wedding veil into little pieces and tying them to rocks and throwing them over the edge while screaming obscenities…. I’ve vomited there… twice actually… Once when throwing the veil… again when finding a her body in  parked car there.

… I’ve attended a “life light” landing there two times… The first being when I was 18…  and everyone up on the mountain was detained up there while the helicopter landed… and then recruited to help pull the body out of the ravine from the car that had just rolled over the edge (it is named and known for a reason) … I remember standing with about 15 other people at the top of the ravine… pulling the rope that was attached to the board the rescuers had secured him on, He was alive when we brought him up, but died at the hospital later that night. .. The second time the helicopter came, it was to load said clinging to life body onto it… I had stayed up all night being kept posted on if they had found her yet or not…  I called into work and told them that I had to go help her family, get the kids to school, and then I needed to go find her… I dropped the kids off at school, and started the drive up the mountain, because really, how could they have missed her… where else would she go… everyone goes to Dead Man’s… I pulled around the bend and saw her car parked there… I had my cell phone pressed to my ear talking to a friend about it when I begged her not to hang up as I looked inside the car and saw her there, I started screaming “Call 911” into the phone… She did… it wasn’t long after I got the window broken and  pulled her out of the car that I heard the sirens coming… I had thought she was dead at first… I had placed a couple good kicks in her before I realized that even though I couldn’t feel a pulse, there was fresh drool… The paramedic told me I had probably saved her life with those kicks… I asked him what would happen if she died… His response? “I won’t tell anyone you kicked her if she doesn’t make it”… She made it …I still have nightmares about the helicopter… every time I hear one I cringe…

… When I was about 16 I hiked up to what is the bottom of that ravine to the car graveyard… my best friend at the time used to do it a lot, just to get away… and I remember being amazed at how many cars were down there… There are at least a few more now… I have attended promises and good intentions made there… I have attended more than one goodbye ceremony there

… I have sat in a couple different cars over the years and looked down over that ravine… taken the corner too sharp… behaved recklessly… And I have crept along that shoulder carefully… with precious cargo (The smalls) and shed a tear of gratitude that I never have been in any of the hundreds of accidents that have occurred there…

What is your Dead Man’s Curve? Elm Street?