Dec
05
2012
smiffbib
socially acceptable f@#% off!
StoryTelling
Nov
30
2012
Pi … The life of …The Zebra!
We (Mr. Amazing, Small Child and I) made our way into the theater loaded up with “Dinner” (Popcorn, nachos, candy, and a Turkey Sandwich!) Excited for the movie, 3D glasses are passed around, and we settle into our seats … This is not the normal movie for we three… We are Marvel fans… Super Heroes… The Hobbit… Hunger Games… But this caught our attention… the promise of stunning visuals and a spiritual experience… So we were a little confused as it opened and we laughed at some of the childhood stories… and we drooled over the amazing cuisine they kept showing… and then we tensed up as the directors of the film expect you too as the boat scenes start… The boat sinks… Pi is the only human on the life boat with the animals… The Zebra cries out as his flank is attacked by a Hyena…
Small Child completely loses composure and dissolves into gut wrenching sobs…
Mr. Amazing suggests it might be to scary for him… and I look at him and realize… Small Child isn’t scared… He LOVES the Zebra… He stands to leave the theater as the Orangutan fights for its life… and loses as well…. Completely inconsolable…
In the hall we get him calmed down… and I am so touched by his empathy… so moved by his love of animals… that I send Mr. Amazing back into the “Life of Pi” and I take small child to an attendant, and get permission to theater hop until the movie is over… We watched again the ending of Rise of the Guardians … Which oddly I didn’t review – But Highly Recommend to all ages. We then caught the last 45 minutes of the latest and final Twilight installment… Which again I had seen… didn’t review… also recommend. We giggled… and hugged… Mother and Son… My beautiful amazing son… who can watch NCIS… BONES… and any other kind of action film… and still maintain such an innocence… and be so sensitive … I was so proud of him.
Mr. Amazing finished the Life of Pi… he came out of the theater shedding emotional tears… He was so deeply moved by the movie and couldn’t say enough about the beauty of the film… and the colors… He loved it… he thinks everyone should see it… Everyone but my amazing son.
I’ve never reviewed a movie I didn’t actually watch… So I guess this is more of a story than a review.
Maybe this is more of a prayer than a story… I pray nothing ever happens to small child… that would make that scene in that movie okay for him to see… I hope he always LOVES the zebra!
Nov
20
2012
Humble and Grateful
We’re going around the table and it’s your turn to share what you are thankful for…go!
- the fact that I’ve been given some bit of awareness… of spiritual awakeness
- my humor … twisted and sick as it is.
- my friends … Everyone says this… but in all honesty… My friends are magic… They are like the cast to a B sci-fi movie… and I truly love them with all of my heart
- my family … All of them, The smalls, and the distant
- my husband … Mr. Amazing
- whatever talent I have as a writer that perhaps lets me help a few people
- the opportunity to experience life from this vantage … it is unique
- the insane overabundant beauty of nature … especially the rain and the moon.
- a roof over my head and food on my table
- an inquisitive mind that is easily amused and delighted
- my surrogate family… with whom I spend many holidays … including this upcoming Thanksgiving
- my love of music of almost all types… (except Country music which makes me want to stab my eyes with a fork) …which entertains me … and often… brings me happiness.
- you … whomever you are… however you got here… today as I type this… I am so grateful for you.
Your Turn … What are you thankful for? … Pass the wine!
Nov
13
2012
“Actually, this seems to be the basic need of the human heart in nearly every great crisis – a good hot cup of coffee.” Alexander King
I thought I would throw another post in the writer’s workshop ring… I love this group… even if I don’t participate every week… The prompts inspire me and I have found some of the most amazing blogs because of it! This week I am writing from the prompt
“List 5 things that bring you comfort”
For as stressed out… anxious… sleep deprived as I get… I have just as many small peace of mind moments.
Melt your face off Mondays– It is something Mr. Amazing and I started while dating… Monday night dinner dates… We eat Indian food every week… Often times (like last night) whether it is good for us or not… He orders the Chicken Tikka, I, the Paneer Tikka… we rarely vary… sometimes I add a glass of wine… we rotate which establishment we get it from… sometimes we eat out… sometimes we eat in and watch bones… (eating in is my favorite, because unlike myself, Mr. Amazing cannot look at a dead body and eat at the same time and makes all kinds of entertaining faces.) We have been doing this for close to three years … I never get tired of the food. It is magic.
Sleepy Time Tea– I know there is actually a tea named this… but that isn’t what I am referring to… I make a mean cup of tea… Small Child, Mr. Amazing and I… whomever else wants some… at least a couple times a week drink tea before bed… Rose Hip , Lemon Grass, Chamomile, Valerian Root… whatever we fancy that night… Sometimes loose… sometimes not… everyone takes theirs a different way… and we each have a favorite mug… and we drink tea. It is soothing.. and good for you.
David Lanz – It happens… I become inconsolable… I cry until my eyes are swollen shut… I let things build and build until I completely lose it over something as simple as could be…. This makes everything bearable again.. if only for a moment.
Twitter – I know that is ridiculous… but have you ever been laying in bed… your head running a marathon… unable to focus long enough to get sucked into a book… panicking about not being able to sleep… I hold my phone like a life line… and twitter myself to sleep… I follow the most awesome people… This works well for those early morning wake ups as well… They don’t even know how many nights their silly tweets have saved me from sleepless nights…
Small Child – His smile… His smell… His goofy little dance… knowing he is sleeping in his bed safe and sound with a crazy cat on his chest… the sound of him practicing his instruments… everything is better with him than without him… everything seems conquerable… achievable… ruffling up his hair that needs cutting so badly… folding his clothes with him and putting them away… cooking him a his favorite meal… watching his favorite shows. Everything about him comforts me. 
Of course there are many more things… my friends… candles… painting… hoodies… pajama pants … coffee!!
Have any other good ideas? let me know!
Nov
09
2012
… Today
Oct
16
2012
Someday I’m going to …
… Live next to the ocean …I will fall sleep every night with the crashing waves creating white noise… rather than my fan… or my app on my phone… and start each morning with the scent of coffee filling the small loft… I will finally find the time to write all of these stories trapped in my head…and there will always be music… and always be candles… and I will always be found perched high above the walk below… in a window seat… laptop on my lap… watching the people on the boardwalk below… making them my characters… giving them names… and roots… I will walk to my favorite coffee shop and sink into a large over stuffed chair with a vanilla lo-fat latte and discuss politics with the local older men… and laugh at their passionate debates… with my hair piled on top of my head in some ridiculous form of a bun… and the softest oldest most tattered hoodie, with the most comfortable jeans … I won’t be wealthy… this much I know… But I would like to be comfortable… comfortable enough to spoil the grand-babies or whomever babies I will dripping with on Sundays… searching for moonstones on moonstone beach … passing out apples and sandwiches to the older ones running barefoot in the sand… cradling the sleeping newborn whose form has found its natural curve from a head on my shoulder… torso over breast… and tiny feet poking out from my arm holding it there…I want to experience the peace and quiet at the Mission so often that the Father and Sisters know me by name… I want to light candles in remembrance .. and not attend a single service there…I want to drink a dark beer when at hauffbras… and a peach wine when anywhere else… I will watch and wait… every night either from the window… or preferably with my toes in the sand sinking in a bit deeper with each wave as it stretch to its limited reach out of the ocean… I will wait for my chance to see the green flash… I will know the temperature it needs to be… what cycle of the tide… with a breeze or without… for its perfect chance to appear… and I will see it… and I will know then that I have done it all…. You see… This may not sound like much… But I have done everything else… I have birthed my child… raised a few more… had a first grandchild… I have toured the Louvre… and watched the sunrise from the lawns around the Eiffel tower…I have been papered by the armed policemen in Red Square… I have seen the castles on the hillside in Portugal … I have walked the streets of Paris… Moscow…Lisbon…. I have flown from coast to coast several times… I would like to do it all again I suppose… I would like to see more things… meet more people… experience more cultures… But all of that is secondary to my wanting to write…
I chose this writing prompt from my favorite writers workshop…
… Someday…
Oct
09
2012
“Pumpkins! Anything with pumpkins!”
Sooo the prompts came out this week, And I have been lurking in this workshop for a long time, and I post quite often from the prompts, and I was counting down to them this week, because I am simply want to write so badly, but cant seem to focus on one thing long enough to get it out, so the prompts were posted yesterday and I quickly scanned them… Nothing… Nothing sparked… There was one that made me nostalgic… But I’ve written my share of despondent posts lately… So I opened it again this morning… and the same prompt jumped out at me… And I realized the reason the prompt made me sad is because that time in my life with small child has passed… I am a HUGE believer that when something exits your life it makes room for something better… and on that note I am choosing to write from the prompt “Pumpkins! Anything with pumpkins!”
This will be the first year small child is not going to go Trick Or Treating, He is too old.
No more fighting him to put a coat on under his costume.
No more cute costumes.
No more shrieks of joy and disgust at reaching into the pumpkin for the seeds as we carve.
Gone.
Trading them for the Haunted Houses!
The scary movies!
The hiding around corners to scare the Trick or Treaters.
Zombies! Ghosts! Werewolves!
Fake Blood
Pumpkin carving with those cool kits! Making amazing designs!
Roasted pumpkin seeds with Cayenne pepper!
Hot Pumpkin lattes!
Smashing pumpkins (not the band)… well and maybe the band too.
Doorbell ditching, Toilet papering!
There is a new teenager in the neighborhood, and a mommy that just loves acting like one!
Oct
02
2012
Mic check…is this thing on?
Disclaimer: this is being typed in a pitch black room… First time from a mobile device…From my bed… And I have taken Tylenol PM… It’s only 9 PM… But I need sleep… So spelling and grammar nazis back off… This is bound to be full of typos and half formed thoughts. Go pick on the other posts … Which all have the same problem and do not contain the disclaimer… In fact… Apparently that is all the Tylenol PM did was give me manners…. It’s not Ambien what did you expect.
Its October… You know the month after September…. Like the thing that happens when September is over… That’s right… Over… I made it … Only one run in with anemia… Which was probably really more of a blessing seeing as how it wiped me out for almost a week…that combined with an insane amount of work… Insane in the form of a ridiculous amount of hours and stress… And I cried a lot of tears of frustration over it… But really it was a blessing in disguise… I get that now… It can stop anytime… I am okay for the most part… A lot of the time…. Sometimes…. My birthday came and went how I prefer it, with hardly a mention… The thirtieth passed Sunday and I spent it surrounded with friends and tucked all those horrible feelings away and didn’t acknowledge them…
So I up my amount of red meat consumption to get on top of the anemia… I stop being fascinated with how the bruises come and counting them… And I try to start sleeping again… I feel like I got off too easy… Like something is lurking… But I digress….
I am ready for autumn.
Orange and red leaves covering the mountains everywhere I turn… The mornings are a little brisk… Pumpkin bins are popping up outside the grocery stores… Costumes are being thought up and planned… Corn mazes… Scary movies…. Tv marathons as the nights get darker sooner…
Soon I will be able to see my breath in the mornings… And smell the heater the first time it turns on… And see the smoke lilting out of the chimneys as I drive down the hill…
Warm breads… Hot drinks…hoodies…
Fall is like a brisk breath of fresh air after the summers oppressive heat… The gnats and Mosquitos will freeze up and die…
Spiders try to move indoors and we all take our turn saving each others lives … By being the mighty spider slayer…
One year almost to the day I moved into this home … Weeks before our arts and crafts wedding…. One year ago we formed this little family… It’s been a lot of firsts… Firsts of everything really… Im so ready to try the seconds… I hope they are as wonderFul and laughter filled as the firsts…
Sep
17
2012
… I wouldn’t even bother reading this one…
September… ugh… like a punch in the mammary glands…. seriously… As if my birthday wasn’t enough… does anyone really like getting a year older once you are past the major mile stones… Voting… Buying liquor…. having children…. your children having children…. I have surpassed all of these… I’m not even forty …
… as if I wasn’t the type of person that struggled with anniversary’s naturally… I am… I think that most people who have been through trauma of sorts or loss of loved ones are date conscious… I seem to take it to a whole new level… I have written this several times… I’m pretty sure we are all tired of my personal drama… fucking hell… I know I am…
Let’s discuss the other anniversary’s that fall on the same time frame…. Suicide awareness week… First week of September… I’m glad it exists… I am … people need to be educated on it… I hate the shit though…. For anyone that has lost friends… those warning lists are like a check list of everything you fucked up and didn’t catch… as you yourself are just wishing for the earth to open up and swallow you whole … and are hoping no one is seeing the signs…
… 9/11 … Wow… I know we need to remember… never forget… don’t worry… I never forget anything…
Something magical happened on the first day of september though… many close to me have given up on the common practice of pointing out the many good things in my life (which are abundant… and wonderful) because they have caught on that I just use them as another means to mentally punish myself… for being alive and having them… Disturbing… Im aware… A few years ago a friend (I have the most amazing friends in the whole wide world… btw) suggested just getting through it… Not trying to do anything more than survive… and she printed off a calendar… and pinned a sharpie next to it… and everyday we Xed a day off… and we laughed about some of them… and we cried about some of them… and there really aren’t that many days in September…
… This year she is across the ocean in the city of love… getting married in paris … My phone buzzed the text “Day 1, Thinking of you” … The next day pictures of the eiffle tower … “Day 2, How are you holding up?” …. Pictures of her in her gown… pictures of the french country side…. every single day…. she is counting with me… I don’t even want to know what it is costing her to text me from Paris….
Mr. Amazing has been amazing… as if he could be anything else… I love him so much ….. Small child has blood work out… that I am waiting for the results… He has some big life changing challenges directly ahead of him… Smallest child’s safety and security is always a source of anxiety when she isn’t under our roof… Tiniest child made an appearance for a couple of days this weekend and honestly steals my heart every time I see him…
… I have found other comforts… Sippy cup corner has happened several times…. I can now drink wine out of a buzz light year cup… with the bendy straw placed in such a way that it looks like his penis… to infinity and beyond baby…. Wine just tastes better that way… best gift ever…. We are raising our families together… and kicking ass at it.
… Pajama Birthday Coffee (okay it was mountain dew) with eyes swollen shut … teeth furry… hair untamed… without even worrying about it being embarrassing… These are the kinds of friends I have….
Halfway there.
And that is everything in my head this morning…
Aug
29
2012
… I may be bent… but I’m not Broken
It is writing prompt day again…
I thought perhaps I might try to make an actual post this week… you know… because I really haven’t most of the summer… Just little quips… pictures… and crazy to share… But this week I thought… well just maybe… lets see how it goes…. I am choosing “Tell us about something you broke.” … because as I read through the prompts this week I saw that indeed I had a story for each of them… But this one could go so many directions… Broken bones? Many… Broken cars… Like mine in the bottom of the off ramp embankment? … I have caught a vacuum and a blender on fire in the same week… I wish I were making this shit up… OH! I know! There was this one time I blew up a Kitchen…
I was 18 … Living in an adult halfway house (getting there and where I went from there is a completely different story) being the youngest by at least 6 years in the home I was tired of being treated like I wasn’t capable of anything… We all had different reasons for being there… The house chores were divided up by the facility managers and even they tended to treat me like a kid sister (you know… as an adult now… I should have savored it… instead of being offended by it) and after 3 months of vacuuming the upstairs living area everyday I went to them and told them that I thought their vacuum was broken… It wasn’t picking up even the smallest things any longer… They asked me if I had changed the bag… and I stared vacantly at them and inquired “What bag?” … “Where do you think all the stuff goes?” … Blink Blink … “into the vacuum”… Come on people I was 18… and based on where I was you can guess that I hadn’t really had a normal upbringing…. In fact… I can’t remember having ever vacuumed before this… another thing I had never actually done is cook anything that wasn’t made in a microwave… But it wouldn’t have done much for my self-esteem to point that out as they suggested we rotate jobs and I be in charge of setting up lunch … All I had to do was set out sandwich stuff … and warm soup on the stove… there were approximately 35 residents in the home… male and female… and it wouldn’t work to have all of them attempting make lunch at once… so setting up lunch in an assembly line was the answer… I stepped into the kitchen that day… and pulled a couple of Family Size Campbell’s Tomato soup cans from the pantry… found a large pot… and looked at the stove…. I had seen my mother use one of course… I had a general idea… I turned the knob with the matching diagram indicating it was to the burner I had set the pot on to medium… and went to the fridge to get all the sandwich fixings and condiments…. I smelled something… but again… it becomes very apparent that I hadn’t grown up like other people… because I didn’t know what it was… and just ignored it…. soon… Ray popped his head in and said “Whew… Smells like gas!”… I looked at him and him at the stove…. “Kerry, you have to light it for it to heat up” …. Blink… blink… “How do I light it?”….. he turned the knob unaware how long I had actually left it like that….. and the entire room lit up blue with a big WHOOSH… We lost arm hair… and eyebrows hair looked a little crisp and curled up on the end… but that was the day I learned what a gas stove was….and that was the last day they ever asked me to do anything in Kitchen… I was given back the vacuum that now miraculously picked things up again… and never… ever… lived it down.