Chimps gone wild! & Dinosaur Porn! … It Must be Friday!

This isn’t a real post… I like to think of it as more like a Public Service Announcement…. <Cue announcer voice> “We Will be interrupting the normal Friday nonsense for these…

 

 

 

 

 

 

Residents in Las Vegas warned again Chimpanzees on the loose…. Best headline ever… I guess what happens in Vegas rule doesn’t apply to Primates

 

 

 

 

 

 

Scientists rendered images of Dinosaurs having sex… really… apparently they have been working on this theory for decades…. WOW … well…. Just

look for yourself….  THANK YOU DAILY MAIL!

 

I couldn’t make this shit up…Well…. real life wins…..

 

 

 

 

 

 

and I win the interwebs!!!

 

P.s. If you are new here… its not always nonsense… I’ve been writing some pieces that are going up this next week that I am very Proud of… Stay Tuned.

Flavor Morphing Funday Friday…

… This is my one hundreth post… thats right… one zero.. zero…. 100…. unbelievable!!!!

To celebrate… Here is some complete nonsense…

Are you following me on twitter? No? I don’t blame you really, you’re not missing much… JUST THIS! (“This” is my live tweet of eating starbursts!!!)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

… Random Ramblings about moving on… and the Near Death experience of a Cat

 

This weeks Writing prompt from MamaKats made me smile…. ” Share a story about a stray you took in or an animal you once rescued.”

 

 

I was married once before… Before I really understood men like Mr. Amazing could love someone like me… I often refer to those times as the “Dark Ages”… but there were some positive things that came out of it…. The birth of Small Child… The ability to adopt Tall Child…. but when it ended… and who knows… maybe someday we will talk about it and its ending…. When that man moved out… I replaced him with a cat… Shadow Cat to be specific… We gave him a home, when his other humans were looking for one for him… and they were friends of ours…. and the children rejoiced… and the Ferocious Beast Doggy did not… and all was well in the Kingdom…. (Shadow Cat and Ferocious beast are Best friends 5 years later… Like best of best friends… Shadow cat purrs upon seeing him… and Beast Doggy pretends he has to poop to sneak the cat outside when it wants out) …

Based on the success of Shadow Cat joining our lil gypsy troupe of a family… Tall child brought us another little bundle of fur… from her college dorm… It needed a home… its person was moving…. and it was the cutest thing I had ever seen….

And the children rejoiced….

And Shadow Cat and Beast Dog desperately wanted to show Flora the Ropes… Or eat her… Probably eat her…

But Flora would have none of this… She moved into my bedroom… and under my bed… and only came out when the house was asleep and all the lights were out… she would come out and eat… and use the litter box… or my clothes if they were on the floor…. and then crawl into my bed and love on my face… and nest in my hair… and allow herself to be snuggled and kissed and all was well…. We nick named her Ghost Kitty


Last… but not least… Near death experience of the cat… and I only share this… because well… it was so freakish… We love her dearly, and thought… well… its spring, lets throw her outside and see what happens….

Here is what happened : She went out… loved it… did really well… then I got brave… and let Zip (Beast Doggy) out…. That didn’t go so well… I have never seen a cat try to run through a fence… but that is exactly what she did….face first… into the chain link fence… and with enough force behind her to get her head stuck there… Small Child is screaming.. I think she is dead….. I shove her head back out of the fence… thinking… well she is dying anyways right? and carry her back in the house… hold her for a while… look her over….no blood…. set her down… she makes a mad dash for the safety of my bedroom… and right under the bed….. whew! she is fine. We bought her all kinds of treats and special stuff…. and found her another set of persons… because we loved her enough to not sentence her to a life under the bed…. much like Harry Potter under the stairs…

Here… Have a gratuitous picture of Shadow Cat and Zip the Beast Dog

 

Fifty Shades of WTF!

Five Reasons I am not reading Fifty Shades of WOW… this is Erotica (porn for the search engines) disguised as a novel for you religious freaks (All of which I am not)

1- I like sex. Actual sex. That takes place in reality.

2- I would rather read Dune… and become a spice addicted crackhead… (Implied: I am not a Dune Fan)

3- I read twilight… enough already

4- I am waiting for the Movie (look forward to a future post “Five Reasons I won’t be seeing the Fifty Shades of … Movie”

5-  Water Cooler Talk (you’re equivalent to an office book club)…. Awwwwkkkwwwaard….

 

Overheard on the 10 O’clock news

Utah’s most dangerous intersections

ABC 4’s Noah Bond asked her, “How many crashes have you seen here in the past two or three months?”  Opperman replied, “About four or five.” Noah Bond then states “93% of these were caused by drivers!”
REALLY?? What were the other 7%??

Dedicated to Tolman… And her children who really know how to end a conversation

Mom: “Em, what do you want mama to make for your birthday dinner tomorrow night?”

Em: “I want to go to Las Vegas!”

Mom: “A little out of my price range, my dear little diva!”

Em: “Okay, mac n cheese.”

 

Noel: <snort!>
Mom: That’s disgusting! I knew someone who got fired for doing that!
Noel: What did they do when they got fired?
Mom: They cried!
Nikolas: Waaa! <snort!> Waaa! <snort!> Waaa! <snort!>

 

Nana to Noel: “When is your audition for ‘Annie’?”

Nikolas: “Tomorrow! Tomorrow!”

 

Em: Guess what Noel! We had a sleep over at my dads… Mom slept in his bed!

Mom: <Silence>

Em: Mom you didn’t bring your Pajamas!

Mom: Look <pointing out the window> Horses!!

The family is eating pizza… Minding their own business…

Mom: Hey dad (Grandpa) i have a question for you.

Steve: <Jumps in being funny> Where do babies come from?…

Noel: from a penis! <She was 3>

 

… Icepack in bras & bras for balls… I’m thinking we could be famous…

My Facebook Status: … Boob sweat… And that’s all I have to say about the first day of hades… I mean… summer…
G-Chat
me: I posted about boob sweat in my status update… see… my life is really complete
Mr Amazing: Well, now I think it is complete  Boob sweat is way better than ball sweat
me:  And now I am giggling at my desk
Mr Amazing:  <— sleep deprived
me:  Note to self: purchase baby powder
Mr Amazing:  Seriously, two words: testicular cancer, Talc isn’t our friend
me:  You all act like your balls would be worse than boobs… Which are just BIGGER balls… higher up!
Mr Amazing:  boobs don’t have small semi-hard balls inside a fluid sack that is constantly being squeezed between two thighs
me:  Glands! They have Glands!
Mr Amazing:  glands being squeezed by?
me:  More Glands! and a bra!
Mr Amazing:  bras are just there to help support men don’t get support, they get uncomfortable wedging
me:  Support to a 16-year-old… is squeeze and hoist the sails to a 30-year-old
Mr Amazing: ditto
me:    Touche …. but that just gives them breathing room
Mr Amazing:  between your leg, your pants crotch, and what? now imagine the guys in skinny jeans those guys are total retards and I can guarantee you they will be infertile
me:  icepack in bras… and bras for balls… im thinking we could be famous
Mr Amazing: There should be a brand of jeans called “infertile blues” underwear with ball bra (infertile blues was funny, just sayin’)
me:  Ummm So tolman says… in the next chat window over….
Tolman:  OMG!!! I would think ball sweat, for sure!  I just can’t imagine how unpleasant it would be!  And who would really care if a woman is wiping her sweaty breasts off?? If a man wipes his sweaty balls off, he can get arrested!
Mr Amazing:  I love her, she understands all you can do is cowardly attempt to move the fabric of your jeans in a vain attempt to fix matters
me:  <speechless>
Mr Amazing:  oh god
me: I think you might be exaggerating
Mr Amazing:  I should stop talking to you
Men! I don’t even understand how they walk around with those things!

Theme Song Thursday… The Third!!!

I cannot explain why this has been my constant … Since it came out… I don’t know if it is the energy raising rhythm and build up… or if it is the sad undertones… or the message of I’m not who I thought I was… but I’m still here… I still breath… This has been my theme song of theme songs… for as long as I can remember… Somewhere in the back of my mind I think it is this line “Be my mirror, My Sword, My Shield… My Missionary in a foreign field”… I think it’s that…