I’ll never forget when we brought you home to that tiny house…Your dad said as we left that first parent meeting
“We’ll keep her!”
He was so very proud of you. We all were.
I should have known early on that you might keep on looking for new adventures,…opportunities and people that might fulfill that curiosity and wonder life gave you from the start… you have not let one limit be set… one boundary unexplored… you do not take love for granted… that is so rare.
You are so beautiful inside and out…
And those eyes…
Those big, brown, beautiful eyes.
You never let the world stop you….Not that little boy who stood you up for the dance….the one you pushed aside. Not the child who tried to take your brothers toy and you punched her in the face.
You were fierce, a force to be reckoned with, at even the tiniest sight of injustice. And yet, you love…love deeper and wider than any human I have ever seen.
You love your friend’s… and even strangers… when they are struggling with very real problems. You love the puppies who sit behind bars in the shelter… the ones calling you to take them home. 🙂 You love your siblings It didn’t matter someone’s track record or story. You were determined to love… every child, young or old who woke at night… or sat and looked helplessly into your eyes….
Especially your own children.
And yet… it isn’t just your loving that I admire. But the way you don’t let pain… hurt or the offensive evil scars taint the way you KEEP giving your love… your time and your attention to those around you.
You just have this gift of somehow picking up the pieces of hurt from others….even from me at times…and then move forward in the belief that the world is better when we forgive.
Perfectionism is just a hollow hole of worldly dressing that aches so desperately for love… it decorates itself up with outward appearances, in hopes to cover up emptiness, on the inside.
But you look past that. How do you always know how to love, even those most broken?
You were made to love.
So today… angel girl, as you walk through “The New Normal”, don’t forget…
Far and wide… big-brown-eyed wonder… it has been such an honor to be your Mother. I will forever be eternally grateful.
Enjoy your day and please remember, I am thankful, and so proud of who are you.
You show the world what light and wonder and love really looks like… I hope the world is taking as many notes as I am… We could all use this lesson right now
Globally, as of, 18 September 2020, there have been 30,055,710 confirmed cases of COVID-19, including 943,433 deaths, reported to WHO.
The 13th of September was one of those days…. My son… my only birth child … informed his beautiful fiancé that his mom wouldn’t wear a dress to their wedding… he was just helping her with expectations… so I bought a formal gown… cause I can… but they never mentioned shoes??
They had the most touching wedding – outside- under a glaring sun…. the attendees were mostly in their wedding party… there were less than 10 more in the audience… Pandemic
and then we danced… like our souls and lives depended on it… it was magical
Then I spent the next day (My 47th Birthday) sitting/ laying on ice… thanks tumor leg… LOL
And now we quarantine… incase we were not careful enough… incase we got the virus … so we do not spread it… and the timing is good… because we are at the start of the second wave… and the prediction models make the first one look like a practice one…. Also- We get flu shots… because you can have two viruses at once… how would you ever survive that?
21 August 2020, there have been 22,536,278 confirmed cases of COVID-19, including 789,197 deaths, reported to WHO
Our story in Pictures….
First Day of school!!
Off she goes!
She is so excited to be outside!!!
She has her mask ready!!!
Seems dreamy right? after 5 Months of being shut ins… well … it is a dream. There is NO WAY we can send her to school… we are high risk… and people still think this is a HOAX! Still!!! I just cannot even… So here is what really happened on the first day of school….
Off She Goes!!!
First day of 9th Grade.
Had my Adult Children over last week for a Pandemic dinner party… We havent been indoors together since march… here is how this new normal looked…
Entry – like 5 bazillion? 5 months today I have been quarantined… 5 months… There is a sense of a false light at the end of the tunnel… but it is a lie… and the second wave is coming.
Every year on the last day of school we head to the lake… weve been doing it for over a decade… not this year
July is full of birthday celebrations and adventures… not this year
I don’t really know what I would’ve done to celebrate my sons engagement- but it would’ve been something nice… a nice restaurant… something. But we didn’t.
We are trying to stay afloat financially… and trying to give everything we have to those who cannot… supporting local business is how… so here is what we did this year… end of school year… birthdays… engagement… end of summer… all in one.
and it helped… a little… The Tall, The Smalls, The Tinies… all had so much fun…. I think a lot of people are feeling it… look who I saw!!
My little sister
Our first pandemic visit… our first visit in years really.
Im gonna paint her some masks… make them a little more snazzy.
And then ofcourse this ridiculousness is trending on social media… I thought about posting it … but it is too honest… so here it is.
Its like watching myself die.
Situation in numbers (by WHO) as of August 11, 2020 Total (new cases in last 24 hours) Globally 19,936,210 cases (216,033) 732,499 deaths (4,268)
Total (new cases in last 24 hours) Globally 18,614,177 cases (259,344) 702,642 deaths (6,488)
Seems to be slump time again… collectively mankind seems to fall into slumps during this… right now seems to be a big one…. Im picking fights on facebook… QAnon has riled up the right wing masses… the blaze reading…. hannity hearing… bigoted believers? too far? maybe into this #SaveTheChildren thing… and you know what? Im here for that… I mean im always here for that… do I think #PizzaGate is a thing? not really… but do I think hollywood elite and political peeps are abusing children and trafficking them? yes, I know they are… so im glad something is coming out of that group that may be constructive? we will see
Trump is a hot mess… as usual… I watched his Axios interview one night over and over again … not sleeping at all… because well… it just made me happy? why? i couldnt explain it…. maybe it is because he was so helpless in the face of reality… he was less scary
I live behind a screen…. from a phone screen to a computer screen to a TV screen and back to a phone screen again… I am not eating right… not exercising…. not sleeping… not even showering often enough… im eating mashed potatoes for breakfast… but I did renew my aclu membership… so there is hope
I am here for that – What I am not here for is that I look just like my sister in this photo… sigh
I went to the outside this week… this is what the outside looks like for me
But I am alive… and that is something no one should be taking for granted right now… there was a HUGE explosion in Beirut… thousands of people dying of Covid-19 on the daily… Hurricane season is in all its glory… protests and police brutality are still a thing… as well as the karens… I mean… I seriously have nothing else to say… other than… WONT SOMEONE THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN??? oh wait… QANON has that…. how about… nah…Still working from home… still wearing masks… seeing my peeps only through snap chat and facebook…
I got nothing… here… have some hope… because this is all I got going for me right now…
and there is yet another riveting entry in my Corona Chronicles.
I think this is like my millionth post (not literally… but it feels that way) about life in this pandemic… Lets start with some pictures…
6 ft and masks dance recital with her sister 🙂The Birthday Masks were a hit… my god… they are so beautiful.
July 29th Total (new cases in last 24 hours) Globally 16,558,289 cases (215,127) 656,093 deaths (5,274)
Here locally… the battle wages on about what to do about schools… nationally the battle is what to do about our President… unmarked cars are rolling up to protests with federal agents just snatching people off the street…. sigh… I have been obsessed with Dystopian stories my entire life… so I am well prepared for this new normal… I think I am finally prepared for the grey hair too…. Check this out
Maybe I’ll color it grey and just speed it up LOL – As you can see – I’m Selfcaring BAHAHAHA
Friends keep asking me what I think… what to do… what I keep telling them is wait two weeks… it will be an entirely different reality again… its been like this since March… The entire world is changing and we have to keep adjusting and not planning on anything… because it is all unknown… if that ever doesn’t happen with in two weeks… we will know things are possibly settling down… wanna know a secret?
That’s all
Yep! Fairy City is alive and well… infact it is very much doubling its efforts to keep spirits high… and chins up… and injustices spoken against.
Keep Causing “Good Trouble” until we can meet again.
How do I start a letter that is 21 years in the making? How do I explain to you how very fortunate I am to call you my son and even more so on your 21st birthday? I have loved you since I first laid eyes on you… forever crying (yes, that is actually all you did for the first 5 months of your life). Never sleeping (how things have changed) and always ready to see what the day will bring… So here we are on your 21st birthday. In a world I could never have prepared you for… living a part… trying to figure out a way to celebrate you… your youness… your fire/spark/light…. without actually being able to touch you… I stole a masked hug last week… we both choked up… I would GIVE ANYTHING to be holding you in my arms now.
Nothing much has changed since the first day I brought you home from the hospital (well… maybe the crying has ceased). You have always been my bundle of energy… always asking a million questions, always wanting to sword fight and although you may no longer sleep with your King Arthur sword… I believe you still own it. Even now, I am sure if I emptied a roll of wrapping paper in front of you… Id get whacked with it as you screamed ‘touche” or “engarde!”
You really were a fantastic baby… crawling at almost five months and then walking at 11 months. Projectile vomiting at a measured 5 feet… which of course was my party trick. Your love of superman moved to power rangers to Harry Potter and then Star Wars. I think some things actually never change.
You have always been a quiet achiever… never wanting to bring attention to your self. Which you had no chance with a mother like me (sorry, son). Your humbleness is something I admire about you. Your great empathy in all that you do and your loyalty to those who you value the most.
I think for the most part it is who you are and the beliefs that you now have. You have never been one to worry what others may think if your views do not match theirs. Instead stood up for what and who you believe in, (even when they don’t necessarily match mine). Although we often butt heads (This last year? more often than not),
So, although I am not handing you anything on your 21st birthday which is significant to this part of your life… I am giving you a pat on the back for turning out to be a young man I am super proud to call my son. A young man with a big heart… a smart brilliant mind… a loyal personality… a wicked sense of humor… and a spirit like no other I have ever seen.
Thank you for at times when our roles get reversed. When you give me sound advice… thank you for taking care of your siblings… thank you for loving your nephews and niece so fiercely … and thank you for being you.
Now… It’s nice to tell the stories of your many talents and achievements… of your good looks and charm, of your loving spirit and the joy you brought into every room. But just as important… if not more… is the story of how hard you have tried… getting in the face of racism and violence and a world that didn’t provide equality for all to help anyone and everyone around you… Please accept my heartfelt congratulation on this day in your life, For all that you have achieved. Your BFG… sisters… our community and I… are very proud of you. Your exemplary qualities are beyond reproach; because you are loving… kind… understanding… respectful… considerate… friendly… ridiculously handsome… and most of all… you listen when spoken to. You are one who is bound for greatness. Never let anyone take you off your track. I am your mother… your biggest fan…. and I am still going to say this. Especially now that you are 21… Never let alcohol or any other substance legalized or prescribed take you off your track. Remember — you will be destined for better things in life. But I would love to celebrate your life and raise a glass to you… balance in all things… like the Avatar.
Bug, I have said lots of things in this letter to you. I don’t expect you to remember all that I have written on this blog. But this much… I would like for you to carry with you always: A fool always loses his temper; a wise man holds it back, takes that energy and turns it into motivation to change things… That is my hope for you… and I know that… with that super power of yours and with Kindness… Hope and so MUCH LOVE, you will live a meaningful and rewarding life. I am SO So so proud of you… proud of all you have done… proud of all you have not done… you are the greatest joy in my life. Happy Birthday Johnathon.
Right now you are in your room thinking that life is completely and totally unfair. You are not wrong… And I am not going to read you this birthday letter this year because it is so sweet and sentimental… This is the year 2020… the year we are celebrating your birthday in the only way possible right now… and it wont be enough… and we will wear masks… this is a harsh truth… so because I have no idea what tomorrow will bring… I would like to explain myself to you this year… incase I cannot at some point wait for you to realize these things about me yourself.
The whole world is against you because there is not a single person in it that understands you… You would say that you love your friends… but the truth is that you love the thought of them than you do in real life. In real life… you can only handle spending so much time with them before they start to annoy you because, as I mentioned before… no one really understands who you are. This is absolutely perfect… and age appropriate… you are doing great!
Your room is trashed… The clothes that you beg for me to buy you are crumpled in a heap in the corner. When asked to clean – when asked to do anything, really – you roll your eyes (not to my face, because you are smart enough at this point to know that will set me off) because you have a thousand more important things to do like watch Disney + or check your phone. This is absolutely perfect… and age appropriate… you are doing great!
You are both obsessed with and terrified by boys. This is absolutely perfect… and age appropriate… you are doing great!
Some days you think you are pretty. Some days you are certain you are the ugliest person on earth. You are sure you are being left out… of something. Some party… some conversation… some sleepover is happening and you were deliberately excluded because no one cares how you feel. You have every right in the world to be moody because life is hard. School is pointless. There isn’t a person alive who hasn’t been able to get into the college they wanted to because they got crappy grades in Grade 8. Mostly though… life is just hard and complicated and difficult and confusing. Despite this… you are never given the credit you deserve for always knowing what’s what. You know what is best for you and there is nothing more irritating than someone else (like me) presuming that they know. This is absolutely perfect… and age appropriate… you are doing great!
I realize that when I broach these topics with you, you will not hear me. Despite all appearances… you are not a small adult. You cannot reason like an adult and so it is impossible for you to understand that I am trying to help you and guide you and not… ruin your life. This privilege I exert does not come from biology (obviously we are not biologically related) it comes from the fact that I have been exactly where you are and I have been navigating this life for a lot longer than you. It is true that everyone has a story… and everyone’s story is unique, but loss, pain, anger, confusion and sadness are universal. These feelings don’t separate you from the world… but rather they bind you closer to it. Someone out there is feeling the exact same way you do right now… including me, my angel girl, and I am only a few feet away. There will never be and can never be another you… but you are part of a magnificent community of humans. Humanity at times can be brutal and petty and mean-spirited… but that’s never an excuse for you to be that way. You are so much more and so much better than a bad day.
I am not your friend. I don’t care what you think about me. I am not aiming for popularity in our house. Most importantly… we are not equals. Think about it: how can we be equals if you depend on us for everything? If you’re going to take the iPhone… then you have to take the rules. Some people call it parenting. Mercenary me… I call it leverage. When you don’t need me for things… only advice and council… then we can explore a friendship.
When I ask you to do something right now… I am trying to teach you something about success. Procrastination is a dream killer. No one ever became a grand success by doing it later. You’re right… your room is yours. I am less concerned with the state of it than I am of your mind. Ever see a happy person on Hoarders? It sounds ridiculous to you… but a clean space makes it easier to be creative and productive.
I am not interested in you getting straight As (though, of course, your dad is), I am interested in you doing your absolute best. Sometimes you do your best and you fail,,, and you need to learn to be okay with that, too. You must learn to be good AT school, so it will be easier for you to be good AT college and AT work. Yes, of course… it’s pandering to a system… but everyone, regardless of status has to work within a system, unless you’re becoming a hermit which let’s face it… is never going to happen. When you become overly concerned with pleasing your friends and making them happy it takes away from your focus… your job… which right now is school. The balance you learn to strike right now will carry you through your entire life where can be vital. But… you cannot rely on a great friendship to buy you a house.
I don’t tell you often enough how beautiful you are. Even though you are stunning… I do guess I do this on purpose. Being beautiful should never be the most interesting thing about you. A girl who relies on her looks is setting herself up for disappointment. We live in a world where beauty can and will open many doors… but how you choose to open them and what you do inside becomes about character. Character, moral aptitude, empathy, grace- these are the traits that will carry on your beauty far after your looks are gone. You aren’t anywhere near understanding this right now… even though I am trying to lead this charge by example. When you look at me all you see is old… and lupus.
Unbelievably though… I was young (and not so long ago, I might add) once… and nothing you can say will shock me. I promise you this though: as long as you tell me the truth… you will never get into trouble… though I can’t promise I won’t be disappointed.
Until you have children or in our case… stepchildren of your own… you won’t realize the depth in which I love you. I would do anything for you and it is the great irony of life that the person I love so much… I am your greatest cheerleader and your biggest fan. Sometimes you scream “Why does she hate me!” when I cant help but over hear you fighting with your daddy. You don’t understand that if I indeed hated you… or felt a far more heinous thing… indifference… I simply wouldn’t bother. I would let you get on with it and shrug my shoulders and not say a word. When I stand my ground and open myself up to your vitriol and disregard and general railroading, that, angel girl… is love.
The most important thing for you to understand is though you may be convinced otherwise… whatever happens in this crazy…upside down life, you will never, ever be alone. I will be there… a few feet away… having a hobby you hate… or a TV series you would rather die than watch… cooking food you despise… Not looking up as you strike a pose… or stand in the doorway petulantly after spending 3 hours on your hair just hoping for a compliment… that isn’t coming… know I see you… know I know all of the things I have just written about you… and know that I am waiting for you to realize you do not need the outside validation… the attention you are seeking can only come from within… Happy Birthday My BEAUTIFUL AMAZING INCREDIBLE step daughter… you truly are a light in my life. I love you so much.
Your ever loving… Kerry
Covid-19 Pandemic Total for July 14, 2020 (new cases in last 24 hours) Globally 12,964,809 cases (196,775) 570,288 deaths (3,634)
I hate the phrase… yet you cannot hear a news story with out it… sometimes it feels like people are trying to find a way to work it into a sentence I swear… but then yesterday I did a thing… and I had no other phrase to use as I tossed and turned all night long trying to make sense of things in my head.
Let me start this story by saying this… Sewing is against my religion
But… The New Normal… sigh
I bloodied a lot of fingersMy youngest grandchild’s and my matching masksI made one for all of my kids.and distance delivered… cause the new normal 🙁 Literally threw them from my car like I had a T shirt gun or I was Trump with paper towels.
it took me hours… half of them didn’t fit… I was still proud. I take a LOT of pictures… I mean a LOT. I love them… and I love to finish an adventure and then flip through them… and when I got home and laid on the couch… again… cause thats the new normal… I notice something in the photos…
Their eyes… Specifically my girls… but then looking closely… the boys as well.
Their eyes reminded me of their reaction…. Two weeks ago my house donned masks for the first time… we made masks (no sew version) as the CDC recommended and put them on..
We did not know how to make them… they were uncomfortable… but we did it… it was an exercise in feeling less helpless… we weren’t sure how to even put them on
We drew them on our favorite disney characters… used hoodies in stead…
Finally wore them when we went out for Easter Window coloring/Jellybean delivery
But what I didn’t realize is that these littles… were so little… that this new normal… is normal for them… and they were so happy to get masks… and didn’t even question having to wear them… they donned them instantly… in fact… they looked terrified to not have them on once they had them. The eyes of my Granddaughter haunted me all evening afterwards… and I reached out to a friend… and her mother to talk about it… because my heart was sick… and sad… I didn’t want them to feel that way.
They told me “Its not scary to them… Its kind of cool and fun to wear them… plus their Grandma made it for them… which makes it even better.” Something about that rang true to me… They weren’t scared… it was more about my sadness than theirs… even if their eyes are haunted. They aren’t haunted by the masks… they’re haunted by the panic in us. They are just trying to do anything to make that better.
Knowing I hadn’t scared them didn’t make me feel much better… I am still sad… but it did make me realize we have to do this… we can do this. I need those kids… and myself to be okay… I need to wrap my arms around them again… and cover their faces in kisses… I need to get close enough to tell them I love them… instead of using sign language through windows. This new normal is something I have to acclimate to… so we can get there.
As the world is losing their minds… protesting in large numbers… the stay at home orders… that aren’t even being enforced… but highlighted by right wing nut jobs (Our president specifically) I am back in my home… tucked into my couch desk… typing this taking is solace in the only thing I can. Love. I love them so much…. Love and the fact that this too shall pass… it is what it is.
One day soon I will make those haunted eyes lighten with laughter and excitement again… one day soon I will hold them… even if it is with masks on and we wash our hands after… and we don’t touch our faces… Soon.
“It’ll be okay, Mom” – thats what tall child told me. Today I am going to believe her.
The Sun is a daily reminder, that even after the darkest night… we will rise and shine again.
If you’ve been reading along my Pandemic Blogs… you know that I trust nothing our Washington DC leadership says… I do trust Dr Fauci … for now… and I do trust my local state government… our Governor has been amazing! I had no idea… all of our Utah leadership has been nothing but forthcoming… and with our lives at the forefront of their minds… I didn’t know… but consider me schooled… that being said… school … our State Superintendent (Really the most beautiful woman inside and out) stoically took the pulpit and announced our children would not be going back this school year… My lil miss b is heartbroken to say the least… and she is only an 8th grader… I cannot imagine what seniors are going through… I can’t … it must be awful… that said… Lets talk second wave… and how they are protecting our youth at all costs from it….
A little history lesson please… The Spanish Flu…
Between September and November, a second wave of flu peaks in the United States. This second wave is highly fatal, and responsible for most of the deaths attributed to the pandemic… The 1918 flu pandemic virus kills an estimated 195,000 Americans during October alone. https://www.cdc.gov/flu/pandemic-resources/1918-commemoration/pandemic-timeline-1918.htm
The Asian Flu of 1957…
In the first months of the 1957 flu pandemic, the virus spread throughout China and surrounding regions. By midsummer it had reached the United States, where it appears to have initially infected relatively few people. Several months later, however, numerous cases of infection were reported, especially in young children, the elderly, and pregnant women. This upsurge in cases was the result of a second pandemic wave of illness that struck the Northern Hemisphere in November 1957. At that time the pandemic was also already widespread in the United Kingdom. By December a total of some 3,550 deaths had been reported in England and Wales. The second wave was particularly devastating, and by March 1958 an estimated 69,800 deaths had occurred in the United States. https://www.britannica.com/event/Asian-flu-of-1957
Fast forward to today’s announcement about schools…
My opinion is… that unlike the President of the United States… our State Government is doing the very best it can to protect our children from the second wave… I am so grateful… and lets be honest… They are the experts… Leave it to the people who know! if I had been in charge… you all would’ve died way before this pandemic.
The point of all this… if you are not the expert… either become one… recognized by someone other than yourself (in trumps case for sure!) or let them do their job!
If you are reading this … you have air in your lungs… you are alive. No thanks to me! NO thanks to Trump… for damn sure… So Thank the ones who are keeping us safe…
<Kicks metaphoric soapbox to the curb… again> poor beaten lil soap box
