Mr Amazing

Dec 31 2023

at the end of 2023

Author: Kerry

If you know me… you will know that I do not cling to religion… and my Sundays are spent with the different correspondents of the CBS Sunday Morning news program… and have been all of my adult life. If you live with me… you either learn to love it… or leave me alone with my coffee through it… I prefer to watch it in silence… though some of the stories spark such conversations that we miss the remainder of it…. except the moment of nature… when everything stops… and everyone runs in the room to watch in silence the beautiful blue marble we live on… seeing and hearing sounds we have never experienced… or ones we have and we relive it through that moment. I have many favorites about this program… Techno Clause is a HUGE hit in our home… but the Hail and Farewell episode of the year is always something we watch in reverence and wonder…. This year was no different. I remember sobbing through the Hail and Farewell to 2022, But I do not remember why… and as my soul was breathed hope this morning through the Hail and Farewell to 2023 I decided I wanted to write why… see the program doesn’t really change much… life continues… people live and do great and terrible things… and people die… and stories change our world and the planet is always getting warmer… but what does change… is me.

I had the dawning realization this morning… as I seem to be processing some trauma of that last few years… and shedding some of my careful compartments of emotions and thoughts tucked away for a safer calmer time to unpackage and feel… that… well as cliche as it sounds… it is what it is. I watched as Anderson Cooper talked about this as well… funny how some of the people you love and admire the most you have never met… Anderson Cooper is one of those for me… Mr Amazing suggested that if I did know him I may not feel that way… and I responded with ofcourse I would. Because I understand every characteristic… every value… comes with its other side… infact thinking two sided is very narrow in of itself… and as the news program alerted me to the fact that shooting down the Chinese Balloon… happened this year… that the boats and submarines that imploded or capsized killing so many were this year…. that the canadian wildfires… the Redwood fires… the Hawaii fires… were this year. In a year of mass shootings being daily news… and two wars now raging… the middle east one joined the Ukraine/Russia one… though it is not eithers first. Time seemed to slow down… it is an illusion… created by so much happening.

Thankyou NASA!

So in this spirit… I too would like to bid 2023 Hail and Farewell…

First we Hail…

Hail to personal growth and development- I mentioned those containers above that I need to unpack and process… I have been doing this slowly… in silence… as I mold different tiny things from clay. I have learned a lot… mostly good… and may bad…. but I am going to stop there with those adjectives… because I do not believe events to be so easily categorized… so many consequences of something bad or terrible feeling at the time do turn out to be good… and some of those low hanging fruits that bring immediate joy… can turn sour in retrospect. Nothing is Black and White… it is always in the middle of that grey area somewhere… and HOW GREAT IS THAT!!!

Hail to Mr Amazing. Do I even need to say why? I love this man and our patchwork tribe more than there are words in my vocabulary to express. So I won’t try. I will continue to just love as I do.

Hail to our commander in chief! Politics are exactly that… Grey… and my feelings about President Biden are also somewhere in the middle… and me with my feelings about things can go jump off a cliff… because it is events that he is ushering in that matters.. and I am grateful for so much of that. Did you know that it was Nixon that signed the endangered animals act into law? Thanks to sunday morning I do now too… all I knew of Nixon was watergate… but the man did some great things… again. Grey is always the answer

Hail to my babies!! (I gave birth to one… I have many) They are the most amazing creatures! Through the black and the white of their lives… I get a front row seat to all of it… someone hand me some pom poms… cause I cannot possibly cheer for them any louder…

Hail to my dad!!! This one is a very recent story… and it is his… but my part of that story was finding a friend in him… finding some interesting traits we share… and honestly finding out how much I just love him. Weird right?

Hail to my babies babies!!! OMGOSH!! I just cant even. I grow SO much personally because of these little monsters. I stay mobile and driven because of them. I am loved. I love them so.

The point of all of this… is there is no good and bad… there just is life. What an amazing year it has been… what an amazing time to be alive… ofcourse… that could be said clear back as far as we know… and as far forward as we can imagine…. Surely I am not getting my point across… because I do not have the words to express it… other than Grey. So lets move onto some farewells

Farewell to parts of my brain… Farewell to a time that my License plates did not announce my disabilities… Farewell to my 40s!! Farewell to some family and friends… Farewell to a version of me that I have outgrown… Farewell to some ability… and mobility too… I must say farewell to some things… in order to make room for new things… Farewell to some of the darkest personal times of my life (yes, this year, I unpackaged some of those containers and climbed inside of them and hid in the darkness where I wallowed in the pity of it all… and then stopped)

So if the best analogy I have come up with for this place that I am in… is two sides of a coin… and life is one big coin toss… Throw the fucking coin!! and lets do it again and again and again.

I would like to pause and acknowledge… I didn’t write this year… I didn’t write birthday letters… I didn’t do a lot of things… but the other side of that coin is the things I did do… and I am so grateful each and everyday for the people that make it possible. (I am one of those people as well) Love is the religion I cling too… and it has brought me so far!

my original angel girl
JOY!!!
My sponsor of all adventures. My Partner. My Best Friend. My Most sexy human!
OMGOSH How lucky was I to share a cup of chowder with these humans. Thank you for that!
Getting to know family I didnt, and laying to rest some I also didnt. and all of it was perfectly grey!
These girls… my heart.
My Tolman and Sippy Cup Corner
My Badass Tribe
My Son. My God I love him.
Jul 17 2022

A Letter to Samson… For Johnathon’s Birthday

Author: Kerry

Soooo I’m on a roll… Writing birthday letters to others besides the person who’s birthday it is… Please know that I do it from a place of love.

Sweet Boy, I wish I could change some of the harsh realities that have already happened in your young life. I wish we lived in a world where tragedy didn’t strike innocent children. But I can’t change the past and I can’t protect you from all the bad things as much as I want to. The best I can do, Sammy, is trust your dad will teach you and guide you to the best of his ability. As you grow, there are a few fundamental things I want you to cling to. Use them as your guidebook, especially when life gets tough.

Spread kindness like wildfire.

Your dad is the epitome of kindness. Everywhere he goes, and to everyone he meets, he spreads kindness and laughter. Samson, you have your Daddy’s same kind heart and compassionate nature. I see it already in your expression when you listen to music… when you hear my silly voice greeting you. Hold on to that, even when life gets hard. Your Daddy is so widely loved and admired because he loved and admired everyone around him. Everyone deserves kindness, baby. Don’t be afraid to show it.

Be brave and courageous.

There will be times in your life where you’d rather hide or run or bury your head in the sand than face whatever challenge is in your way. I know because I’ve been there many times. In those times, I want you to remember to be brave and show courage. But bravery and courage don’t have to come from you; in fact, it often doesn’t because we, as humans, struggle with the strong grip of fear. Often it overwhelms us. When that happens, always call on your dad to lend you courage and bravery, He has so much of it. He will give you the strength you need to get through the battle you’re facing.

Be respectful.

I have already begun to teach you how to respect your elders. Because I am so very old now. Even as a tiny young thing, I am so proud of how polite you are. Keep that up. Everyone deserves respect and I expect you to show it. I expect you to respect your teachers and your friends. I expect you to respect law enforcement and those in authority over you. I especially expect you to respect girls, and later, women. When you show respect to others, even when they’re being jerks to you, you will always come out on top.

Remember how blessed you are.

Life is full of hills and valleys, some valleys being worse than others. You have already experienced a deep valley in your young life. Unfortunately, none of us are immune to tragedy. It is easy to count our blessings when we are riding high on top of those hills. The true measure of a person, I believe, is when you can still see the blessings you have in the midst of those valleys. Always remember, no matter what you’re going through in life, be it a big or small challenge, that you are incredibly blessed. When you are facing a challenge, focus on your blessings and hang on to them tight.

Love him like your father loved me.

Your Daddy loved me more than I ever thought was possible. Sammy, your dad, loved me with a kind of love that all sons could learn from, but few accomplish. I want you to love yourself like your Daddy loved you. EVERY DAY. Love yourself like you are the magic you are… Love yourself with the amazement and wonder I see in your dad’s eyes when he looks at you, I am sure my eyes hold that same wonder when I look at him. Your magic is hereditary.

It is always the right choice to do the right thing.

Sammyinpajammies, you will be faced with the temptation to do lots of things because all the other boys are doing it. It may be the temptation to smoke or make fun of the new kid, treat a girl like an object, or cheat on a test. None of these things are worth it in the end. Not only will you disappoint me by choosing the wrong thing, but you will also ultimately disappoint yourself, and that is a far worse feeling. You will do some of these things anyways… and then you will learn grace… forgiveness… and you pick up and do the right things again. Doing the right thing is often going to take a great deal of courage and bravery (But you got these characteristics from your dad in abundance). It will likely make you feel like a bit of an outcast at times. It may even make you the target of nasty comments. Your dad will always be here to help you with making the right choice, and I will be here to help you get through whatever may come from your choice. “My” baby, you are far too young for any of this to mean anything to you right now. But I promise that one day you will need these bits and pieces of advice. Tuck them away in your heart and draw them out when you need them. You are a wonderful blessing to your Daddy, and the world. You are meant for great things, Sam. I can’t wait to see how you make your mark!

Love your old grammy!

Happy Birthday Old little dude… I am so so lucky you were my son. I love you so much.

Jul 14 2022

Holy Shit! You’re Old!! 16!!

Author: Kerry

(Well… I had purchased a banner that said this… but then had to edit this prewritten post because I did not want to send the sweary thing to your Moms; which is where you wanted to be….. which I get. I do. You have woken up here on your birthday most of your 16 years… and it is okay)

My Dearest Miss B! I HATE 16!!! I HATED myself at 16…. I hated heather feather turning and being 16… I hated Neenerfan being 16…. and I hate that you are now 16 (Although Im secretly proud of all of us) So instead of writing you a letter… Im going to write myself one… and hope beyond hope… that you realize it is true for you as well

Dear Kerry,

I’m writing to you as your 48 year old self but don’t panic, it’s less bizarre than it seems so please hear me out. 

Looking back now, there’s so much I wish I had known at the ripe old age of 16 so I’m here to share a few words on what’s to come for you and to hopefully serve up some guidance that will help you through these next few years.

So here goes.

First things first, please buy yourself a good cleanser, and moisturizer… it’ll work wonders. You’ll soon learn a myriad of different techniques that will simplify the process of applying makeup but be patient, these things take time.

Now that’s out of the way…

The chapter of your life you’re currently flicking through is a difficult one and I know that the positivity you used to hold on to so tightly is rendered with unwanted feelings. They’re growing like weeds and you’re finding it tricky to pull through those that weave around your feet, tripping your every step but you will be able to break free soon. Trust me when I say that it really does get better.

What’s to come is something I like to call your transitional period and I’m sorry to say that it’s an awkward one. But a lot of what lies ahead will lead you to the next step. Think of it as an escalator which takes you to the next level. However it’s a dodgy one so sometimes it breaks or pauses, prompting this feeling of being suspended in some kind of middle ground but things will be on the move again soon.

It’s not going to be easy, of course. The challenges won’t be erased with a blink of an eye but as you climb over one hurdle and then the next, you’ll become stronger. You should be prepared to stumble over some though – quite literally sometimes, obstacles still jump out from no where.

Right now you feel like your life is a big debacle with every challenge punctuating that thought. The sniggering laughs and sly comments about you coupled with your anxieties. But you’ll soon graduate from a place where these things hold you back.

The anxiety will evidently still be the catalyst to a lot of your challenges and upset but amongst the darkness of those moments, you’ll find energy to strive to reach the light. You’ll be in pursuit of things that make you happy, the things that fulfil the image you’ve marked out for yourself.

You feel awfully alone right now as you go through the motions with some friendships but don’t worry, those tear stained cheeks that punctuate each passing school day will soon become less frequent of an occurrence and bridges will start to form again.

You’ll come out the other side with friendships which have such tangible strength and those people will provide you with unwavering support which you will of course reciprocate.

But being you, the worry of burdening others with your quandaries will be one of the main reasons why you don’t reach out to these people. However, you will find another way of releasing all those worries.

You’ll write a lot more, hoping that engaging in this catharsis will purge all those unwanted feelings. The endless list of documents which hold these thoughts will eventually encourage the creation of your blog and as your words spread more widely, feedback from others will help you to ascertain the realization that you’re not alone.

There will be relief in expressing your thoughts in this way and hearing back from others but it won’t erase every trace, so it’s important to strike the right balance between writing and talking.

The move from where you are now to where you will be in five years time will be uncomfortable at times. Some things will constitute short-lived pain but that’s exactly what it is, short.

Some mistakes will be made between now and then too but you live and you learn kid, don’t feel bad, don’t fret. You will move on from all those little demons. There will of course be things that you can’t push away. Anxiety will still dominate some aspects of your life but you’ll step out of your comfort zone in a way you’ve never done before, in a way that you can’t imagine right now and the consequences of those extra steps will be so rewarding. 

Sometimes you’re scared that you’ll never escape some of your feelings, you sense an ominous click of the pause button when they become stronger and you feel laced with self-doubt but these things are only ever temporary.

With a reshuffle of thoughts and a tight grip on the positive ones along with the support of your family and friends, you’ll be able to pull through.

You’ll learn that sometimes the biggest challenge can be transformed into something with purpose. That purpose will turn into strength, your strength. Whilst you still come face to face with dilemmas and you find yourself in another muddle, you’ll find things that will guide you through, even when you least expect it.

So hold on tight, it’s going to be a bumpy road but there will be smooth and narrow stretches ahead, always focus on those moments.

Stay strong and stay determined.

You’re going to be ok, I promise.

Love from,

You, aged 48

Happy Birthday Lacey Pretty Facey… I love you beyond expression… I have so much faith in you from over here in the bleachers watching you play your part in this world… I hope you have a wonderful day.
Mar 05 2022

STORYTELLERS

Author: Kerry

Oral tradition tells us the earth began when Crawfish dove into the watery depths of the world and built the first landmass from mud at the bottom of the ocean. From these early beginnings, all things good sprang to life, including Me! So sit right back and I’ll tell a tale ….

Friday the 25th I went to the Dentist at 9 am to have a broken tooth fixed…. that I had cracked … on bread?? two days prior. This is where it started. The dentist felt my jaw crumbling underneath the broken tooth…. extracted it… did an emergency extraction of a molar on the opposite side… cut out the crumbling portion of my Jaw…. resectioned it… and put in bone grafts…. this gave me two black eyes and a black jaw line…. and apparently Covid.

I tested positive Tuesday…. Surprise! TWO YEARS!! for TWO YEARS I have done anything and everything they suggested to not get this…. and here it was finally. 

Pause for the gratitude I feel for the fact that it was now… when there are medicines… vaccines… and room in the hospitals.

and it is a good thing… because even though I am fully vaccinated… and it is supposed to be a mild variant… It tried to kill me with in the first 24 hours. It is really disgusting to tell you about this… but I am a story teller so you get all the details!… I wake up feeling like someone has poured hot cement in my sinuses and chest everyday… Today for the first time, I had the presence of mind not to panic when this happened and choke down advil, which once it has kicked in allows me to be able to cough and swallow until I can breathe.

I’ve been quarantined in my bedroom since Tuesday- literally haven’t left it…. Mr Amazing just keeps sliding me what I need into the room. Ironically when we came to work at home- I bought this hospital tray as a desk…. bahahahaha soooo here I am using it in bed really in bed, not just sitting on a bed. 

Why do I tell you all this? Well… because im not very professional.

While fevered I bought Mr Amazing a Digeridoo… and the cats an automatic laser pointer…. so this has not been for nothing <shrug>

Today was my secretly chosen date for Fairy Citys Annual Emergence (NUMBER 7!!!) obviously that is not happening… Luckily because I made it up- it can be rescheduled … there is something else eating away at this hippy heart and soul of mine… Ukraine. I have already donated every dime I can to help… and I feel completely helpless… I know that this will not mean anything to anyone but me… but I am dedicating my Fairy City this year to those brave people… to anything Anti-Putin …. all the words I paint… all the art I make… it is being acted out right now by those brave souls…. from the farmers laughing as they use a tractor to take a tank… to the people returning to fight…. to the people going to safety to return to fight another day…. they represent everything brave… and good… and kind… as well as the Syrian refugees… and those suffering in Myanmar… no… no not you… trucker convoy people… not you…. them! So on that note… So much love and light to all of you… and as always… We will be the hopeful

Apr 07 2021

Situation Report

Author: Kerry

Globally, as of 7 April 2021, there have been 131,837,512 confirmed cases of COVID-19, including 2,862,664 deaths, reported to WHO. As of 5 April 2021, a total of 604,032,357 vaccine doses have been administered.

In the US – 30,596,830 Confirmed cases, 554,420 Deaths, 219,194,215 Vaccines administered.

In Utah – 387,814 Confirmed cases, 2,137 Deaths, 994,402 Vaccines administered.

Two weeks were marked this past weekend since my second dose of the Pfizer Vaccine… there was rejoicing and gathering afoot!

We went into our first store together (Mr Amazing and I) – and in my ventures I have discovered something we are gonna have to have words about… so here they are; I am having a hard time. I said it. I have begged pleaded and cried over being expected to stay home for over a year…. and now? I am REALLY STRUGGLING with leaving home…. Lets discuss.

The office is one of my favorite places… thanks to lupus I do not have a lot of steps in me… I have learned that being in the office all day… my social and soul needs are met… I have friends there I can rely on… I get to meet new people on the regular…I get to have me time (away from family time)… I get to help improve the world through acts of kindness and supporting education. Its really fantastic actually. So though the office is still closed to the public… I got permission to go in for a day… unpack my desk from a remodel… and make it ready to use upon return as more people get their vaccines and case counts go down…. sounds lovely right? well… here is how that went… I didn’t sleep the night before at all… in the pit of my stomach I felt ill… I couldn’t eat… I woke up way earlier than necessary…. got dressed five different times (mind you- I KNEW THERE WASN’T ANYONE THERE TO SEE ME) … I ran a red light on the way (the whole green arrow thing got me) … I am not sure I would have made it in the office at all if someone I knew wasn’t there… who came to my car to help me carry things in. I was sweaty and out of breath when I finally got to my working spot… I did fine after that as I went hours without seeing anyone else… I unpacked my office… cleaned out some stuff … forgot part of my laptop at home (which worked out because the sickness was coming back to my stomach pit at the thought of exiting the building) so after 7 hours I drove back home and worked my last hour from home with the big monitor so I could accomplish something needed. I didn’t die. I hoped it was a fluke. I was SO GRATEFUL that I had done it when others weren’t there to see me be a hot mess…. I did not know I was now a shut in.

I had done fine when at the store with Mr Amazing… but something I really wanted to treat myself to was a trip to the art store… by myself… I used to do this at least 3 days a week… wandering the aisles so often for supplies and inspiration the cashiers greeted me by name. I tried to go Sunday, I tried again Monday this time inviting Mr Amazing and Miss B (neither took me up on the invite, and I didn’t go) Tuesday I had a doctors appointment… a different specialist this time… and sure enough… I didn’t sleep … I couldn’t eat… and a fine sheen of sweat covered my face as I put on my boots to go… This wasn’t something I could put off… and I am not ready to talk about it yet… though surely I will in future posts. I survived… the doctors office is the one place I have been a few times during this last 18 months… but the fact that I was struggling even with that wasn’t lost on me. So in full Kerry fashion… I ran at my fears head on and full speed. I went to the art store directly afterwards… forced myself in… and forced myself back out (apparently checking out with a cashier was also something I had to tackle)

This is important for me to talk about because not a lot of people really went into as much of a lockdown as I did… I understand what a privilege it was that I was able to do so… to stay safe and keep everyone else safe…. I have always hated crowds… and well… most places you would find a crowd… but I have always lived my life to the fullest… one adventure after another… one shenanigan after another… I did not expect and was not prepared for these feelings I have not experienced before… ESPECIALLY after a full year of so much sadness at being separated and shut in.

This is important for me to talk about and share… not only for myself…. but I have a suspicion I am not alone… I think as we progress through this life as it now is… this will become an issue for many… a mental health issue… a social issue. Possibly a fashion issue – as you admire my lovely now grey hair… I was a salon regular prior to this pandemic… I really can’t see me returning… mostly because well.. I have really learned to appreciate every little thing about being lucky enough to age… including grey hair…. but partly because… that amount of returning to that level of normalcy feels insurmountable at the moment… Look- I don’t shut doors… I know I may end up back at the salon… I mean I know for a fact im gonna get my haircut… my eyes checked…. all the other things I haven’t been able to do during this pandemic… but I have also learned to appreciate my time a bit more… you never know how much you have… and I just kind of like who I am… I truly have had the time to get to know myself… inside and out… during this pandemic… and well… I am pretty amazing… grey hair and all…. these are things you discover about yourself when you aren’t constantly comparing yourself to others…. because you haven’t seen others …. at all… and maybe that is the root of my issue. Maybe I am afraid to lose what I have found… have it taken from me as quickly as all the other things I hold so dear in my life were during this pandemic.

So I am putting on my new sweat suit… and embracing the time I have to work from home… rather than resenting it today… because soon… the office will be open again (hopefully for real this time) and I look forward to returning and meeting people again… and I just hope whatever it is you are going through right now… you know you are loved… you matter… and we can do hard things (like go to the art store apparently) because life is not about existing… it is about truly living… something I intend to continue to do.

Mar 30 2021

Impending Doom

Author: Kerry

Globally, as of 30 March 2021, there have been 127,349,248 confirmed cases of COVID-19, including 2,787,593 deaths, reported to WHO. As of 29 March 2021, a total of 519,826,596 vaccine doses have been administered.

In the US? TOTAL CASES 30,085,827 TOTAL DEATHS 546,704 – People Vaccinated 52,614,231

In Utah? TOTAL CASES 384,756 TOTAL DEATHS 2,114 – People Vaccinated 478,918

You see where I am going with this… It is spring… Mr. Amazing and I are vaccinated… in fact as of Friday it will be 14 days from our second shot… This is the yellow light… But already people are done… Little Miss’s mom took her to the mall … I am even guilty of not waiting the full 14 days before going into a home …. inside it! I was able to see where my Small lives…. for the first time… he has lived there for over a year… IT WAS GLORIOUS… the weather has been cooperating… we have gathered outdoors… in masks… but all of us can feel the fear dissipating…

The conspiracy theories around the vaccine are wildly accepted as truths… even as testing for children under 16 begins… all of mine over 16 … My Tall… My Small… Mrs. Small… either have their shot scheduled or have been vaccinated. But the vaccines are only 90% effective and there are variants spreading like … well… a highly contagious deadly virus.

I began to notice more of the Anti-Maskers around town… This is the only place I have driven through in over a year… because well…. COFFEE!!!! Saturday morning it was packed… literally a half hour in line… worth it! But the woman ahead of me had her window down speaking loudly to someone either I cant see in the car… or on the phone… she isn’t wearing a mask… and she doesn’t need to in her car with someone from her home I suppose…. but she does not put one on when she gets to the window to order… and when requested too? Leans further into her car and says loudly “There is that 6 feet?” … I leave money for the “next two cars complying with the masking guidelines” to pay for their coffee… and proceed to hand sanitize after touching the card that was inserted in the card reader… Lysol wipe the card… Lysol wipe the shelf they are setting my coffee on for me to get… Lysol wipe the cup…. hand sanitize again… hope beyond hope that coffee is hot enough and kills any germs inside the cup… drive home… wash hands… remove mask… wash mask. I will continue to do this even though I am vaccinated… why?

How effective is the birth control pill?

If you use it perfectly, the pill is 99% effective. Do you know anyone that has gotten pregnant while on the pill? I have 4 tinys conceived while Tall child was taking the pill…. was it perfectly? I do not know… but her babies are perfect 🙂 and I would like to continue to watch them grow and witness their brilliance. I would like to meet Small child’s first child… and see his first birthday… and first day of school.

People are screaming that we quit living in fear. Cool I guess. I am not living in fear… I am living with caution…. cautions that I hope allow me to continue living. Look, I fully intend to go out this weekend… I am going to enter a store for the first time in over a year… I am going to do it much like I get my coffee… with an abundance of caution… not just for my safety… but for yours… I fully intend to see Miss Betty… and hug all the people… Id love to meet the babies born during the pandemic for the first time… because I have missed so much! I am going to to do as much and as fast as possible… because I watched a doctor from the CDC break script and choke back tears…. I listened to our President ask that people stop opening up so quickly… to keep the mask mandates in place… and I am having Deja Vu…. exactly one year ago I watched as people laughed and joked about this virus… I watched as people rushed stores in choreographed mobs without masks… knowing they couldn’t stop them all… and I watched the world get sick.

Please get whatever vaccine is available to you… as soon as it is available to you… please be kind.

This is not over.

Feb 26 2021

The beginning of the end… I hope.

Author: Kerry

Globally, as of  26 February 2021, there have been 112,649,371 confirmed cases of COVID-19, including 2,501,229 deaths, reported to WHO

This morning at 7:40 am I pulled into a movie theater parking lot 50 miles from my house… I couldn’t eat dinner last night… and had only sipped at half of my coffee…. hardly slept at all. Having no idea what to expect or what to do I waited a moment until I saw others slowly entering the building.

Pause for a moment to realize this would be the first building other than my doctors or dentist I will have entered since last March.

I got out of the car and a just as apprehensive Mr. Amazing did as well…

WE WERE IN A MOVIE THEATER!!!! it felt surreal… There was no smell of popcorn… no movies playing… There were about a dozen people inside waiting … either waiting to get vaccinated… or waiting to help us get vaccinated. We checked in and sat… six feet apart… in masks… we watched as the courier brought in the cooler full of doses for us… again… I cannot describe how bizarre this scene is to take in… and then they call my name… and take me into one room… everything roped off and arrows guiding… I stand where they tell me to… and sit when they tell me to… and then it happened.

The nurse giving me the injection begins to tell me what to expect and then she looks at my card… and says… Lupus! I guess you really just don’t know what to expect next. Truer words have not been spoken. I am then escorted to another theater room…. where I am reunited with Mr. Amazing (who also was able to get his shot while there with me) to be monitored for a time. The seats are numbered for spacing and sanitation purposes…. there are huge medical tents in front of the dark screen… and I can only help but hope beyond hope that soon… I will be here again… when it smells of popcorn and goodness… and there will be a movie playing.

After some time… we were told we could go… and we did! holding our cards like they were golden tickets from willy wonka himself.

You guys… I think we are going to make it… and I am so grateful!

Dec 03 2020

The Superhero and The Secretary

Author: Kerry

Before I go onto my story I would like to mention this pandemic is still raging out of control… but there is hope in the spring… the vaccine is coming.

Globally, as of December 3rd there have been 63,719,213 confirmed cases of COVID-19, including 1,482,084 deaths, reported to WHO.

Worth mentioning however…. this will be my first post since the beginning of this thing that is not about this thing…. maybe with hope is coming some healing.

At first, When I became sick… I felt like my life was falling apart… doctors suggested it was stress… and thanks to Mr. Amazing I was finally to a point in my life that I could stop being the breadwinner and live a bit more simply…. So I left my big world traveling career… and with a book in mind… that a publisher friend whom I’d sent the synopsis to had already shown interest in… I left… I wrote the book… It won top mentions in writing circles… I never even submitted it for publication… because I wasn’t happy with it… and didn’t want to put the work into it that it would require to become great… Don’t get me wrong… I have it… and I will one day… when the wind blows me that way.

Hold on tight… The wind blows me all over the place in this back story to my super hero life.

Out of nowhere… I began to paint… Yep paint… Id dabbled here and there… but when you make a list of things you can do to be mindful and release stress… Travel (I did this quite a bit as well) … Painting…. etc… you get the idea… Infact ALL of this is captured in the posts of this blog.

Well guys… I’m a worker bee… a real over achiever… and I have been working my entire life…. So soon my home was overflowing with Paintings… everyones room had them… my friends had them… and soon my street art project was born (Fairy City- Search it)

During this time I contracted for a while… doing the same type of work as I had in my career… but part time… two years in fact I did this… and regardless of what happened with that… I feel like we were wildly successful.

But I was getting sicker… sneaking into the office early to disinfect everything I had touched because I had strep… or pink eye…. or whatever else happen to be the case at the time… and the sicker I became the angrier I became…contracting ended and I did an art show (like hurricane force wind changes)

I knew until I got healthy I was never going to be able to work like I had before… so that became my focus… I applied for a job at the state… not for the pay… but for the benefits…. but in order to work… I knew it was going to have to be something I believed in… So I headed to education… because I had at this point figured out I was a superhero of the streets (again… Fairy City LOL) but I needed to feel good about my daytime work as well… how could I affect the change in the world I wanted to see? Education. But, I needed no stress… and nothing hanging on me incase I disappeared due to whatever invisible thing was trying to kill me. So I landed a job as Executive Secretary in the EXACT right place… my disguise was almost complete…. add a couple tumors… some lymphoma…. chemo drugs… oh and kill the hamstring. PERFECT! No one would ever suspect who I really was… including myself.

Pause for a moment:

I HATE THE WORD SECRETARY- I HATE IT… yet, I applied for it… and loathed it even more. I have a degree… my mind is brilliant! unless I am forgetting simple words… or have brain fog… it works a thousand times better than my body at this point… and it works fast… it thinks of new ways to do things… better ways… it thinks out of the box! It gets shit done guys! My pride became my nemesis… My ego was mountain high… and it wasn’t okay with this new title. I had a lot of work to do on it…. and luckily as I went from hospital bed… to cane…. to wheelchair… back to walking sticks… I had the time to do so.

Story Continued: Job openings have been posted… and my DREAM job was one of them… a director position in Equity…. The REAL ability to put all those ideas and words I painted on fairy doors into action. I had the qualifications… and the reputation in the building (or so my ego, coworkers, and husband tells me) … and I stopped short … I have an autoimmune disease… I am barely hanging on sometimes… I have to lay down after I shower…

How could I maintain any kind of ethical integrity and apply for that job knowing I am no longer able to do it… Knowing that walking into a campus is all the walking I can do for a day… and suddenly… I didn’t hate the word Secretary any more… Most people with my diagnosis would be on disability… I am a force to be reckoned with… one these diseases have not faced before… I AM THE SECRETARY!!! I am affecting as much change in this world as I am able… and a bit more… and that is good enough….

Moral of this story? Sometimes the phrase “It is good enough” is literal… I am good enough.

Sep 29 2020

Worldwide Deaths Eclipse 1 Million

Author: Kerry

Globally, as of  29 September 2020, there have been 33,249,563 confirmed cases of COVID-19, including 1,000,040 deaths, reported to WHO.

Today I attended Judy’s funeral … via zoom… This new world… it amazes me… and terrifies me… I saw faces I havent seen in years… but missed seeing the faces of those in the audience… So much.

Judy passed away from Cancer… but to mourn her death on the day the world mourns this milestone feels surreal… and heartbreaking…

I miss seeing people from the shoulders down…. I miss Judy… I miss Jamie and Erin (and the others) and their children so much.

I screen captured this- just because it felt so unreal… but I was so grateful to be connected how ever I could be… thank you to the family so much for making that possible.

To hear her life sketch…

its very different when you aren’t there in person afterwards… to hug them and talk to them its… just final… and lonely.

He talked about her love of this season we are entering… her love of seeing the leaves… I knew this… I learned it from her… so we took a drive sunday and spent a moment in the outside remembering her away from the monitors and news stations

I miss so much… but as I sit here… broken hearted… I hold out belief that one day I will see you all again… below your shoulders…. without a monitor… So much love and light to you.

Sep 18 2020

Sometimes… the best days of your life still happen… even in a Pandemic

Author: Kerry

Globally, as of, 18 September 2020, there have been 30,055,710 confirmed cases of COVID-19, including 943,433 deaths, reported to WHO.

The 13th of September was one of those days…. My son… my only birth child … informed his beautiful fiancé that his mom wouldn’t wear a dress to their wedding… he was just helping her with expectations… so I bought a formal gown… cause I can… but they never mentioned shoes??

They had the most touching wedding – outside- under a glaring sun…. the attendees were mostly in their wedding party… there were less than 10 more in the audience… Pandemic

and then we danced… like our souls and lives depended on it… it was magical

Then I spent the next day (My 47th Birthday) sitting/ laying on ice… thanks tumor leg… LOL

And now we quarantine… incase we were not careful enough… incase we got the virus … so we do not spread it… and the timing is good… because we are at the start of the second wave… and the prediction models make the first one look like a practice one…. Also- We get flu shots… because you can have two viruses at once… how would you ever survive that?