This public display of drunkenness and debauchery is dedicated to Mama Kats World Famous Writing Prompts! “Write a blog post inspired by the word: Drunk”
THE END
Jan
20
2015
smiffbib
socially acceptable f@#% off!
Humor
Nov
13
2014
Ransom Notes & 2 Year Olds
Truth be told… I can make any story I want to tell fit one of her amazing writing prompts if I want to tell it bad enough… and this story is dying to be told!
Tell us about something new you learned last month
So my cute grandchildren (Tiny and Tinyest) and my angel girl graced our home with their presence for a weekend last month due to a spider infestation at their residence… it was so much fun to have them there… but I learned right after they left that something had been left behind! I tried to rectify it… but finally resorted to this….
Dear Tiny Boy…. I’ve got your blankie. Don’t worry… it’s quite safe…and it will stay that way only if you do exactly as I say… First of all, no contact with the Feds… No contact with the newspapers or TV… Now… on Day after next, you must phone me (look, I know for sure that you know how…Don’t waste time pretending that you don’t! You are too phone savvy… Remember – I have your blankie!)
Phone me at precisely 8am (this is gonna be run like a military operation!),
and invite me – nicely – to go with you on a date. Don’t play games with me; you know the kind of date that I like!
The date must – repeat, must – take place on a Sunday … If you value your blankie you will do what I ask (sorry, demand!).
At the conclusion of said date, you will receive your blanket in the same condition as when you left it. I shall not repeat these instructions.
Any funny business and the blanket gets it!
Well… it didn’t go exactly as planned… but he is 2… so I cut him some slack when my phone rang and PROMPTLY 8 am the next morning and was asked for a date that Saturday… I quickly accepted … and am now waiting to accept the “Worlds Funnest Grandma” award that is surely coming after this!
Oct
07
2014
… Magic Happened
Mr. Amazing: Hello
Me: Hiya
Mr. Amazing: Did I directly or indirectly make you grumpy with me?
Me:Nope… Im not grumpy
Mr. Amazing: Okay, I love you
Me: I love you too
Mr. Amazing: you seemed grumpy, but it could have been my imagination
Me: I am always grumpy when sleeping… I butchered the shit out of my bangs this morning… thought you should know
Mr. Amazing: OMG – ROFL
Me: bahahahaha I should have cut them last night
Mr. Amazing: how bad are they?
Me: ummmm on a scale from 1 – 10? they are fucked up bahahaha I was on cold medicine, didnt have my contacts in, the mirror was foggy from the shower, I used house scissors… and magic happened
Mr. Amazing: OMG
Me: #everythingisawesome
Mr. Amazing:
LOL I loooove you!
Me: ROTFLMAO! They arent that bad
I mean… they are bad… but I didnt call into work and run to the salon or anything be nice or I will try to straighten them up with these scissors at my desk…. which I have also done before
Mr. Amazing:
Me:
Mr: Amazing : Straighter than a catholic priest, wait… straighter than that LOL, they are fine I was picturing a butcher job half way up your forehead, I was scared for you.
Aug
08
2014
Did someone say world cat day???
Aug
06
2014
Mothers Curse? I think not.
Share a memory you have of yourself at that same age
Sophomore… he is going to be a freaking Sophomore…. Kill me dead…
I paid the registration fees this week… I almost killed over then and there… I took him to get his learners permit… which he failed… ha! Well… So did I the first time… and that is exactly where our similarities end…
My Sophomore year… I lost my virginity… I had already experimented in every known substance invented at the time…and continued to do so… I smoked camel cigarettes… I had half my head shaved and the half that still had hair was a strange blend of black and purple… with my blonde roots poking through it… I wore clothes with bullet holes in them and safety pins… I owned and lived in combat boots… I drew thick black lines around my eyes and powdered my face with white makeup… I owned and used liberally black lipstick…I frightened small children … I am giggling as I type this… I listened only to Depeche Mode, The Cure, OMD, Eurasure, Sex Pistols, Pink Floyd… and the sound track to Phantom of the Opera…I was taken out of the school that year… twice… by ambulance.
<Knocking on all the wood I can reach>
My Small is enrolled in Musical Theater, He is playing the Viola in the Orchestra, His favorite music is from the 50’s or The Beatles, Johnny Cash, The Eagles, CCR, Three Dog Night… Everything I had never even heard of until he began to really discover his flavor of life. He has more manners in his little finger than I do in my entire being… and yet I keep taking the accolades for having such a polite young man… when the truth is he has taught me more about manners than I ever have him.
The mothers curse is such a common joke on social media… maybe my mother didn’t speak to me enough to utter the words… but I am screaming mine from the roof tops!
I HOPE HE HAS CHILDREN JUST LIKE HIM!
Smallest child is entering 3rd grade… 3rd graders tend to be assholes…I do not remember 3rd grade at all… but I will hold out the speaking of the curse words until her Sophomore year… just to be fair… because she is definitely JUST LIKE Mr. Amazing… I would assume his mother cursed him multiple times.
Jun
18
2014
It is what it is… Wordless Wednesday
Jun
10
2014
This Day..
With no make up… and in pajamas… laughing uncontrollably… we middle aged middle class middle of the day took selfies!
This man is the love of my life… that is all…
Discussion In The car. ..
Me: <to smallest child> believe it or not I love your daddy more today than I did when I married him.
Mr. Amazing: I love her more too
Smallest Child: I love more than then too.
Small Child: don’t expect any mushy stuff from me guys. .. seriously
May
20
2014
Having your cake and eating it too…
Okay… I will be honest… I read through the prompts this week and just couldn’t come up with a single thing… So I went to my fall back and depended on others to make the magic happen, and by magic I mean cake!
me: I want cake
Mr. Amazing: LOL that was random
me: Random yes… but true still …in fact, even more than cake… I want pie
Mr. Amazing: 
me: okay… fuck pie… I want that cake
Mr. Amazing: ROFL
me: these things are important dear!
Mr. Amazing: should I stop by the bakery on the way home? ROFL
me: I dont think the bakery will have that cake…And now that I have seen it… nothing else will do…I should show it to The Cookie wife LMAO!
Mr. Amazing: ROFLMAO it is butter-cream with lemon curd and fresh raspberries
http://dailydel
me: Cookie Wife… we need to have a serious talk…
I know cookies is your thing… I get that…
I married into the idea…. but… I NEED this cake
CookieWife: LOL!! It looks tasty!!
me: I NEED it, from the very pit of my soul!
it is butter-cream with lemon curd
and fresh raspberries
Mr. Amazing: ROFLMAO
me: Why is everyone laughing! This is serious! clear to the pit of my soul I NEED that cake …. BAHAHAHA
Mr. Amazing: Why are you laughing then?
me: because I am deranged…. I part of my soul is missing… I think its that cake!
CookieWife: Where’s the recipe???
me: http://dailydel
CookieWife: It has GRAM and CELSIUS measurements!!!
Where did you find it??
me: LOL! I just saw the pic and hunted it down ROTFL!
CookieWife: If you convert all the measurements, I’ll bake it! 
me: SHADDUP! I will get Mr Amazing in on this…
me: It has GRAM and CELSIUS measurements!!!
If you convert all the measurements, She’ll bake it!
MR AMAZING!! I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Mr. Amazing: ROFLMAO http://www.onli
me: Quick! Find me another cake…
UPDATE!!!These magical little goodies showed up at my office today… they are Lemon Curd and Fresh Raspberries on Shortcake? I think… They were divine! I have the coolest life ever. That is all
Apr
23
2014
Who’s got two thumbs and bought FanX/ComicCon tickets! This Girl!
I wanted to do something fun for small child… all of his friends were going… so when he asked… ofcourse I told him they were sold out…
I then showed up at his school with a sonic screwdriver made a quick stop at a thrift store…He dressed as Dr. Who and the greatest day ever proceeded to happen
At one point I was concerned that we were just walking around.. not really accomplishing anything… I asked him if he wanted to attend any panels… because I didnt want him to feel like he was just walking around… he looked at me and exclaimed “THIS IS AWESOME!” So we continued to walk around and see everything.
Besides… Only at FanX – Comic con can this Easter Picture be created… and be honest… it is the greatest one you have ever seen!
Apr
18
2014
NSFW… in a SFW kinda way
Well… I’ve also got to introduce a new character I suppose to this blog…She needs a name… Let’s just call her the CoffeelessCanadian…
Ya kinda hafta come in mid conversation… Be warned… this is a real thing however… and I wouldn’t click the links if you are at work or have small children around you… but you will eventually need to click the links… because… someone somewhere out there is wearing that underwear… and you wouldn’t even know it. Also… I used the NSFW acronym because well… its funny… and this (SFW) but all the JUNK is covered… I don’t wanna be staring at it… hell I do not even know how they walk around with those things!
Chat:
CoffeelessCanadian: You know you are going to get us both some for CHRISTMAS!
Me: Can’t… I’ve already ordered you this for Christmas – Real EBAY Auction Link (NSFW)
IMAGE HERE (NSFW)
CoffeelessCanadian: OMG STOP GOGGLING THEM!
Me: They could have at least waxed… just sayin’
CoffeelessCanadian: ROTFL that’s what you notice??? I’m trying to figure out why he is smelling his pits
Me: ROTFLMAO! They are wearing rubber-bands over their JUNK and that is what you notice?
CoffeelessCanadian: I Don’t want him. He is tooooo young and he’d be sloppy GUARANTEED! and I want pants.
Me: Woman.. anyone that wants whatever kinda man in that thong has issues. It just looks painful!
CoffeelessCanadian: Good hell woman! PANTS! move on… too young.. and judging by his nose placement he has not showered in a while
Me: What if it becomes a swimsuit trend!
CoffeelessCanadian: Then I am putting in my own friggin pool!
Me: Right? Cause your father in law… or any father for that matter…. You are welcome
CoffeelessCanadian: OMG I may officially hate you for that.
Me: BLOGGING THIS!