As I psych myself up to write this… I contemplate how many things I have had to psych myself up for already today… getting out of bed… face washed… brushing my hair… teeth… eating… my morning drive… focusing on conversations… , remembering what I have to do and in what order… and this is all before midday.
I am not good at asking for help out in the real world. … Despite days of feeling fine and genuinely happy with life and the world … More often than not lately… I find myself crying… for no apparent reason at all…. I have struggled with depression my whole life… depression would cause me to sit in my room and cry… usually for no reason at all. This is different… This is something else all together and I can’t quite title it… or put my finger on it… I can’t quite believe how much my life has changed… I cannot wrap my head around where we are right now… I cannot envision tomorrow… next week… next month seem way out of the picture.
I am not raising any alarms… I am okay guys… I am just putting into words what surely we are all feeling.
This morning I went for my drive to check on my street art project… one of the locations… the location that I know people count on the most this year… was gone. Decimated.
It has been a source of peace for me… and happiness for othersThis morning… Ugly cried
Do you know what though? Its okay… maybe it made someone feel better to pick it up… maybe it annoyed someone… maybe it got in their way?
Sigh
Today I am going to the Dentist! I get to go to the Dentist! Whoever thought I would be excited about that… it would’ve taken a Pandemic to make that happen… Luckily… we are in one.
Leaving the house on May the 4th? I’ve got just the outfit for that.
Let the Saga Continue…
Situation in numbers Total (new cases in last 24 hours) Globally 3 349 786 cases(82 763) 238 628 deaths (8657)
I hate the phrase… yet you cannot hear a news story with out it… sometimes it feels like people are trying to find a way to work it into a sentence I swear… but then yesterday I did a thing… and I had no other phrase to use as I tossed and turned all night long trying to make sense of things in my head.
Let me start this story by saying this… Sewing is against my religion
But… The New Normal… sigh
I bloodied a lot of fingersMy youngest grandchild’s and my matching masksI made one for all of my kids.and distance delivered… cause the new normal 🙁 Literally threw them from my car like I had a T shirt gun or I was Trump with paper towels.
it took me hours… half of them didn’t fit… I was still proud. I take a LOT of pictures… I mean a LOT. I love them… and I love to finish an adventure and then flip through them… and when I got home and laid on the couch… again… cause thats the new normal… I notice something in the photos…
Their eyes… Specifically my girls… but then looking closely… the boys as well.
Their eyes reminded me of their reaction…. Two weeks ago my house donned masks for the first time… we made masks (no sew version) as the CDC recommended and put them on..
We did not know how to make them… they were uncomfortable… but we did it… it was an exercise in feeling less helpless… we weren’t sure how to even put them on
We drew them on our favorite disney characters… used hoodies in stead…
Finally wore them when we went out for Easter Window coloring/Jellybean delivery
But what I didn’t realize is that these littles… were so little… that this new normal… is normal for them… and they were so happy to get masks… and didn’t even question having to wear them… they donned them instantly… in fact… they looked terrified to not have them on once they had them. The eyes of my Granddaughter haunted me all evening afterwards… and I reached out to a friend… and her mother to talk about it… because my heart was sick… and sad… I didn’t want them to feel that way.
They told me “Its not scary to them… Its kind of cool and fun to wear them… plus their Grandma made it for them… which makes it even better.” Something about that rang true to me… They weren’t scared… it was more about my sadness than theirs… even if their eyes are haunted. They aren’t haunted by the masks… they’re haunted by the panic in us. They are just trying to do anything to make that better.
Knowing I hadn’t scared them didn’t make me feel much better… I am still sad… but it did make me realize we have to do this… we can do this. I need those kids… and myself to be okay… I need to wrap my arms around them again… and cover their faces in kisses… I need to get close enough to tell them I love them… instead of using sign language through windows. This new normal is something I have to acclimate to… so we can get there.
As the world is losing their minds… protesting in large numbers… the stay at home orders… that aren’t even being enforced… but highlighted by right wing nut jobs (Our president specifically) I am back in my home… tucked into my couch desk… typing this taking is solace in the only thing I can. Love. I love them so much…. Love and the fact that this too shall pass… it is what it is.
One day soon I will make those haunted eyes lighten with laughter and excitement again… one day soon I will hold them… even if it is with masks on and we wash our hands after… and we don’t touch our faces… Soon.
“It’ll be okay, Mom” – thats what tall child told me. Today I am going to believe her.
The Sun is a daily reminder, that even after the darkest night… we will rise and shine again.
The 15th Day of April in the 2020th year of our lord.
Subject: Written Warning
Charlie,
Written on the 30th day of Quarantine – The M&M Deceiver Day
This letter serves to formally document your failure to comply with the service terms of our agreement. Your lack of adherence to such terms have been a great disruption to the workplace performance.
Though you have met your quota with regards to cuteness and comfort, your continuous cries for attention, the bringing of your favorite red string and laying it on my work items, the insistence in grooming yourself in front of my monitor and what I fondly refer to as “Trashing the Camp”
For an example of Trashing the Camp- please refer to the gorilla scene from Disneys Tarzan… the imagine it with a Kitty… in my Kitchen.
and general mayhem has resulted in significant loss of concentration and productivity.
While we value your contribution to our lives, I must insist that you demonstrate an immediate change in your workplace habits or you will face more severe disciplinary actions
Like I can make your red string disappear Bosephus!
Since you have no opposable thumbs… and cannot spell… when staring at me… bring me your string if you understand and agree to the details in this letter. Comments may be addressed to your supervisor and written on the back of this letter to be entered in to HR Record.
Let the record show… she brought her string….
Submission of Proof
Smiffbib – Vice President of said Estate
UPDATE 6-30-2020
On a call… Charlies in the kitchen just crying like a baby… truly the saddest cry you’ve ever heard… and I hear her start trying to drag her bowl to me in the living room… so I text My husband frantically to come feed her for me because I’m on a call… he finds her food thrown out of the bowl in the floor… but cleans it up and gives her more anyways… then I get handed this…
My Response from my legitimate… real… HR Department that I really have sent these too? BECAUSE IM LOSING MY MIND!!!??? “Naughty but such a cute cat!! I love these updates, but she better start getting her act together or she may need a new job, maybe a cat burglar would be a better fit! lol”
If you’ve been reading along my Pandemic Blogs… you know that I trust nothing our Washington DC leadership says… I do trust Dr Fauci … for now… and I do trust my local state government… our Governor has been amazing! I had no idea… all of our Utah leadership has been nothing but forthcoming… and with our lives at the forefront of their minds… I didn’t know… but consider me schooled… that being said… school … our State Superintendent (Really the most beautiful woman inside and out) stoically took the pulpit and announced our children would not be going back this school year… My lil miss b is heartbroken to say the least… and she is only an 8th grader… I cannot imagine what seniors are going through… I can’t … it must be awful… that said… Lets talk second wave… and how they are protecting our youth at all costs from it….
A little history lesson please… The Spanish Flu…
Between September and November, a second wave of flu peaks in the United States. This second wave is highly fatal, and responsible for most of the deaths attributed to the pandemic… The 1918 flu pandemic virus kills an estimated 195,000 Americans during October alone. https://www.cdc.gov/flu/pandemic-resources/1918-commemoration/pandemic-timeline-1918.htm
The Asian Flu of 1957…
In the first months of the 1957 flu pandemic, the virus spread throughout China and surrounding regions. By midsummer it had reached the United States, where it appears to have initially infected relatively few people. Several months later, however, numerous cases of infection were reported, especially in young children, the elderly, and pregnant women. This upsurge in cases was the result of a second pandemic wave of illness that struck the Northern Hemisphere in November 1957. At that time the pandemic was also already widespread in the United Kingdom. By December a total of some 3,550 deaths had been reported in England and Wales. The second wave was particularly devastating, and by March 1958 an estimated 69,800 deaths had occurred in the United States. https://www.britannica.com/event/Asian-flu-of-1957
Fast forward to today’s announcement about schools…
My opinion is… that unlike the President of the United States… our State Government is doing the very best it can to protect our children from the second wave… I am so grateful… and lets be honest… They are the experts… Leave it to the people who know! if I had been in charge… you all would’ve died way before this pandemic.
The point of all this… if you are not the expert… either become one… recognized by someone other than yourself (in trumps case for sure!) or let them do their job!
If you are reading this … you have air in your lungs… you are alive. No thanks to me! NO thanks to Trump… for damn sure… So Thank the ones who are keeping us safe…
<Kicks metaphoric soapbox to the curb… again> poor beaten lil soap box
Soooo This was not on my Bingo Card… I’ve got plague… zombies… volcano … nope… no raccoon in the water supply…. anyone ? Anyone?
Surgeon general has corona virus warning: ‘This week, it’s going to get bad’
The disease is spreading, the surgeon general said, because many people are not following the guidance to stay at home. As the preacher who went to Mardi Gras?? (Do preachers do that for real?) Saying we were over reacting…dies from the virus
More so… This Virus is pointing out the inequality… We must flatten the curve… but we must also flatten inequality in health care… the economy… the level of Privilege… access to nutritious food and overall quality of life… It is the only way we can truly emerge from this tragedy with a semblance of hope for the future. People are dying… just dying everywhere.
and I hear the privileged just say… they want to go back to normal… that they are worried about the economy…. people are dying!!!!
I have my library friend in a motel… shes been there four weeks… I cannot afford to keep her there… I do not know what to do… When you are living in a shelter or crowded buildings with multiple family members… or on the street… you don’t have the luxury to socially distance… When you don’t have the luxury to work from home… you can’t avoid getting on a bus or other forms of public transportation to go to work… Ditto when you can’t afford your own car… can’t afford an Uber ride. It’s easy to socially distance in the suburbs or in affluent neighborhoods… but it becomes nearly impossible in crowded urban areas and in lower-income neighborhoods.
Her name is Christine… I Love Her… I do not yet know what to do… we have covered one more week in the Hotel… I spoke to her last night… she is well… but I can feel her string tightening… and it is all she is hanging on by..
How can I keep her alive??
Inequality… Lets talk about the privilege of being able to wear a non-medical mask in public… that is a racial thing… do not make me remind you about my friend in a hoodie… or my other friend who had been raised NOT TO RUN to the car regardless of the weather… how is this mask thing going to work out… I NEED YOU TO BE CONSCIENTIOUS in your judgments and witnessing.
Hang in there… hunker down but keep fighting… Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much… And… Together we will get through this….
I HAVE NOT LOST HOPE!
I am alive… definitely kicking… I realized something through all this Lupus prepared me for this!This life you are all adjusting too… has been my life for 3 years… Today I fast… with the world…. lots of it anyways… out of solidarity and love of my family… and neighbors… Im an agnostic… what I do believe in is Love… Kindness… and Hope is my religion. Im in good spirits… Just collecting my history… my story…
This week in pictures… so I never forget what the US Surgeon General said would be the saddest week of our lives looked like.
I will try to come here later today and put some thoughts and feelings to these photos… but right now I am emotionally drained from blogging about my tooth.
It is hard for me to talk about my teeth… My family has really awful teeth… a dentist once told me that it was because we didn’t have the soft mushy stuff inside of them? another told me it was because we didn’t have enamel… I don’t know which is true… neither or both? I do know that medical care… or dental care growing up was scarce… infact I didn’t see my first dentist until I was 13 and the caseworker forced my mom to take me… I hadn’t been taught any kind of dental care… and well… my teeth were gross… Fast-forward to 19 and someone taught my how to take care of my teeth… and i began to do so religiously at that point (you’re wondering why this story in the middle of a pandemic? i’m getting there) But then another oddity about me is that i am of the 2 percent that Novocaine doesn’t work on and have even been kicked out of a dentist office for punching the dentist in the face who didn’t believe me… now add to the fact that for other reasons… I DO NOT like to be pinned down… I do not like people in my face… and I do not like to be told my feelings of pain are not real… and the Dentist is my LEAST favorite activity… but here I am 46… still with my own teeth… Last year when I was running a high fever I awoke one day to all of my teeth grey (look i don’t know if i have blogged that before… and I have too much to say to go back and look right now) Grey…. like dead… and they hurt… not one… like all… and two days later… they were whitish again… kinda… LUPUS. Since then they have weakened and slowly crumbled like stone… but i’ve been so careful… and so embarrassed about them as holes and spaces have started to appear…. this morning i broke one … on bread… and I just cant even… I do not heal guys… like it takes 90 days for a bruise from a blood draw to go away…. and even if I could go to a dentist right now… I am not sure what I can have done. I’ve tried so hard… Sooo I am blogging this… to try and turn it over and let it go. What else can I do… So me and my hick mouth are gonna just stay home still.
I wanted to filter this to make it look better… but I didn’t… This is as real as it gets folks
As someone who has always been into politics and civil activism… I’ve always followed National stuff… campaigned for presidential candidates… protested or supported what they are doing in the white house (okay… not very often supported) I have never really paid much attention to our local leadership… other than our state representatives… that are headed to Washington…. I have been so wrong in this … because here we are… in what very much feels like the apocalypse… and the Governors across our great country are who really did what needed to be done… our city councils… our local health departments… and law enforcement. I have never in my life been more proud to be a Utahn. <Kicks soapbox to the curb> Thank you to each and every one of them…. seriously.
Today, a public/private partnership was announced with Silicon Slopes to accelerate COVID-19 testing in Utah. Testutah.com is an assessment tool being launched as part of an effort to assess symptoms, test citizens, determine who is infected with COVID-19, treat them and eventually eliminate the spread of COVID-19 in our state. The goal is to dramatically increase the capacity to test. Two testing sites in Provo and Orem run by medical professionals were opened today. An additional six testing stations are coming soon. The three #TestUtahChallenge steps:
1. Assess: All Utahns should visit testutah.com and take the 5-minute online assessment. 2. Test: Those who qualify for a COVID-19 test will receive an email with a unique QR code and a time to get tested at one of the mobile sites. Results and next steps will be emailed to individuals. 3. Trace: Individuals who test positive for COVID-19 will be asked questions to help assist state health officials trace the spread of the virus.
• If you think you may have COVID-19, use online resources or call 800-456-7707. For moderate to severe symptoms, find a testing facility in your community by visiting coronavirus.utah.gov.
• Gov. Herbert issued an executive order allowing remote signature gathering by email or fax for local referenda. The order suspends the requirement that the law being referred to is attached to the petition and the requirement each circulator personally witness each signature, which allows a packet to be submitted without the signature of the gather on the verification form.
• Gov. Herbert repealed his previous executive order regarding evictions and replaced it with a new order that more narrowly describes the tenants to whom the suspension applies.
• The Utah Department of Workforce Services (DWS) released the new number of unemployment insurance claims for the week of March 22-28 – 28,560. Part of the unemployment insurance system is filing a weekly claim, and there were 24,424 weekly claims filed that same week. A total of $3,972,938 was paid in benefits. There have been nearly more unemployment claims in the last two weeks than the number of claims filed in all of 2019. It is important to note unemployment insurance is not a single application but requires submitting a weekly claim to access benefits. DWS has processed many claims, though unable to provide the benefits to some who haven’t filed a weekly claim. Individuals impacted by COVID-19 can visit jobs.utah.gov/covid19 for more information, FAQs on the federal stimulus package – the CARES Act.
• TSA will accept expired driver’s licenses or state-issued IDs at the checkpoint a year after expiration or 60 days after the duration of the COVID-19 crisis, whichever is longer.
• The Democratic National Convention has been pushed to August 17 due to COVID-19 health concerns.
• Information on autodialers related to COVID-19 public service announcements. If an organization plans to use or is using automated dialing technology to make large numbers of voice telephone calls to citizens about COVID-19, there are measures to help ensure that calls are not inadvertently blocked as “spam” by service providers or other entities.
• The outbreak of COVID-19 can cause fear and anxiety for families and individuals. The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Administration’s (SAMHSA) Disaster Distress Helpline – 1-800-985-5990 (or text TalkWithUs to 66746) – provides 24/7, 365-day-a-year crisis counseling and support to anyone who is seeking help in coping with the mental or emotional effects caused by developments related to the COVID-19 crisis.
• State leaders created an emergency bridge loan program for small business owners.
• As of April 2 at 1:00 p.m. Utah’s private and public laboratories have administered 21,065 tests with 1,074 testing positive, 100 have been hospitalized, and there have been seven fatalities.
At the end of December… 34-year-old ophthalmologist Dr Li Wenliang tried to send a message to other medics warning them about a new virus in Wuhan, in China’s Hubei Province.
He was later visited by the police accused of scaremongering and subsequently died of coronavirus after treating patients. – Lets be honest Trump would’ve done the same thing here… But it happen to be there… and Trump called it the Chinese Virus… Sparking racial attacks here in america … sigh
On 3 January we read our first news report about a “mystery virus” in Wuhan. At the time… 44 cases had been confirmed… 11 of which were considered severe. There had been no deaths yet, but many feared we would see a repeat of the 2003 Sars outbreak that killed 774 people. By 18 January the confirmed number of cases had risen to around 60 – but experts estimated the real figure was closer to 1,700.
Anonymous figured about double that.
Just two days later… as millions of people prepared to travel for the lunar new year… the number of cases more than tripled to more than 200 and the virus was detected in Beijing,…Shanghai and Shenzhen.
On 23 January… Wuhan went into lockdown. There was video shown of them literally welding people into their homes… At this point… 18 people had died – 17 in Hubei, and one in Beijing – and 570 others had been infected, including in Taiwan, Japan, Thailand, South Korea and the United States.
Again, Anonymous said this was grossly under reported.
Dr Li Wenliang died on 6 February.
January 30th – 80-year-old tourist died in France – Europe’s first coronavirus death. The virus appeared in Iran five days later… with two people who died within hours of their diagnosis being announced. Iran would later become a hotspot for the virus.
Italy saw a major surge in cases on 23 February, and 10 towns in Lombardy went into lockdown. On 10 March the lockdown was extended to the whole of Italy. Videos began to surface of the empty streets with people inside their windowed apartments singing in unison…. sigh
March 12th Governor Herbert (Utah) suggested we start social distancing… and if you are immune compromised to quarantine…. so I did. Danielle still came for a Cancelled Spaghetti dinner… and setting up of fairy city (which was not cancelled)… and an outside version of St. Patricks Day… and then flew home the day before the earthquake… thats another story still for another day.
On 23 March… British Prime Minister Boris Johnson announced a three-week lockdown in the UK… Ironically he tested positive for the virus… and continues shaking hands and hugging people. ass-hat.
Three days later… the US officially overtook Chinaas the country hardest-hit by the coronavirus outbreak… after calling it a hoax…. after botching up all the obtaining of tests… and supplies…. with more than 86,000 confirmed cases. By 2 April… Today… this had risen to more than 217,000 – almost double the number of cases in Italy.
World wide? more than one million people worldwide have been infected with the coronavirus. More than 200,000 have recovered. But more than 50,000 people have died. New York is using ice rinks to store bodies… and I will never get used to the fact that you can choose same day burial…. or immediate cremation as your only options for a loved one.
If you call for medical help… for you or a loved one… and the ambulance comes… there is no riding with them… there is no following in your car… there is no visiting… or updates… There is only goodbye for now… and hopefully not forever.
Last night in my tiny suburb of Salt Lake City…. Davis County issued a Lock-down order… beginning at midnight…. It was the 1st of April and it was no joke…. some thought it would be funny to drive around the streets an hour prior to it being a class b misdemeanor to do so… playing the song/alarm from The Purge. I didn’t sleep a wink.
The US accounts for the most cases… Italy the highest death toll.
Because I need somewhere to put all these feelings… all of this despair… We are entering week three of this quarantine… and I feel very literally like I am breaking… not every day… but the past few days… maybe it is hormonal? with lil miss? or maybe I am really just falling apart… how is it that working is the only thing keeping me together… its been raining the last several mornings when I have tried to go and fairy… I’m eating too much… I’m not moving enough… I’m getting random fevers that I know are not the virus… but they make me ache… and I am so tired… I would give anything for a magic something to just put me to sleep through all of this…. I miss my kids… I cannot even tell you how much I miss my kids… I’ve never gone this long without seeing them… and I think Small Child is using this as an avenue to cut some apron strings… non existent apron strings because I am completely helpless in all of this as my kids go places… have dinner with people who are not me… My heart hurts… My head hurts… Mr. Amazing is doing everything he can to try and make things better… things are not better. I lost so many of my friends and freedom when I got sick… to have the rest stripped away by this pandemic is painful. I don’t know what I am doing with my life anymore… nothing feels right… and I cant sleep at night…
I think I need to find a way to put at least some stretches into my day… I’ve showered so much my skin is raw… I’m listening to music… I’m painting… I’m working… I’m trying… I am really trying.
I will check back in a few days… when the hormones have settled… and I am working on some hilarious shenanigans again… but today… I just needed to put the hurt somewhere besides my heart… because it is so heavy.
