We don’t always get along perfectly, I’m sure we never will. No matter what’s been said or done, Still love you… little pill.
I’m sorry I say it constantly; I’m sorry I’m not saying it out loud now. I express my truest feelings in writing- It’s the only way I know how.
Things that require me to say them Sometimes might go left unsaid; Still, writing you these birthday letters I know it will be read.
What if you don’t read it all through Or roll your eyes? These years of birthday letters show you just how time flies
I love you so much For the beautiful girl you are. My biggest fear right now? Next year you’re going to drive a car!!!
Sometimes I wonder if You look at me and see An obstacle to your wishful thoughts An obstacle to being more carefree.
When you daydream about growing up, About becoming an artist or wife, Look behind you, I’ll be cheerleading And grateful to be a part of your life.
If you didn’t know What worries me most about you… I worry about how you feel and how feelings control the things you do.
“Don’t worry about what others think” Is easier said than done. I worry that it bothers you still and with which crowd you’ll run.
Sometimes life tugs at me to hug you And squeeze you till you smile, This pandemic and quarantine was… Well! It has been a long while.
I hope you are proud of yourself Of how much you have grown. I just know that despite my love For you, much of it has been alone.
Though we have gotten closer and we have been brave. I’m not exactly the kind of friend whose company I know you crave.
You are my child, Even though I’m not your mother. And I love you as sincerely As I love your brother.
I have never hoped To take your mother’s place. Life has brought you as my stepdaughter In a gesture of hope and grace.
This year we truly have become friends But it’s still not my first priority. I’m just “mama bear” cheering for you, Even as you are raging against your parents authority.
So whether you really understand this or not, Although I may never know. The truth is I believe so much in you and… You taught me I am never too old to grow.
I wrote this poem just for you; I meant every single word I have said. Whatever happens in either of our lives, Remember what you have just read.
Globally, as of 13 May 2021, there have been 160,074,267 confirmed cases of COVID-19, including 3,325,260 deaths, reported to WHO. As of 12 May 2021, a total of 1,264,164,553 vaccine doses have been administered.
A day worth noting… I literally think that my miss b was most likely the first 12+ person to get vaccinated… she was being driven to get it as the Governor of our state announced its availability … That’s because I was refreshing the scheduling page like a woman who’s life depended on it… oh wait… I am a woman whos life depends on it.
I am SO PROUD of her…. so proud of us…. so grateful. One more shot to go for her… and we will be on our way to life outside again. I seriously cannot express how thankful I am to all the scientists… healthcare workers… teachers…. but today? this kid is my hero!!!
We have a lot going on in the house right now… but I will just leave this post as a pandemic record…. This house is clean.
Globally, as of 7 April 2021, there have been 131,837,512 confirmed cases of COVID-19, including 2,862,664 deaths, reported to WHO. As of 5 April 2021, a total of 604,032,357 vaccine doses have been administered.
In the US – 30,596,830 Confirmed cases, 554,420 Deaths, 219,194,215 Vaccines administered.
Two weeks were marked this past weekend since my second dose of the Pfizer Vaccine… there was rejoicing and gathering afoot!
We went into our first store together (Mr Amazing and I) – and in my ventures I have discovered something we are gonna have to have words about… so here they are; I am having a hard time. I said it. I have begged pleaded and cried over being expected to stay home for over a year…. and now? I am REALLY STRUGGLING with leaving home…. Lets discuss.
The office is one of my favorite places… thanks to lupus I do not have a lot of steps in me… I have learned that being in the office all day… my social and soul needs are met… I have friends there I can rely on… I get to meet new people on the regular…I get to have me time (away from family time)… I get to help improve the world through acts of kindness and supporting education. Its really fantastic actually. So though the office is still closed to the public… I got permission to go in for a day… unpack my desk from a remodel… and make it ready to use upon return as more people get their vaccines and case counts go down…. sounds lovely right? well… here is how that went… I didn’t sleep the night before at all… in the pit of my stomach I felt ill… I couldn’t eat… I woke up way earlier than necessary…. got dressed five different times (mind you- I KNEW THERE WASN’T ANYONE THERE TO SEE ME) … I ran a red light on the way (the whole green arrow thing got me) … I am not sure I would have made it in the office at all if someone I knew wasn’t there… who came to my car to help me carry things in. I was sweaty and out of breath when I finally got to my working spot… I did fine after that as I went hours without seeing anyone else… I unpacked my office… cleaned out some stuff … forgot part of my laptop at home (which worked out because the sickness was coming back to my stomach pit at the thought of exiting the building) so after 7 hours I drove back home and worked my last hour from home with the big monitor so I could accomplish something needed. I didn’t die. I hoped it was a fluke. I was SO GRATEFUL that I had done it when others weren’t there to see me be a hot mess…. I did not know I was now a shut in.
I had done fine when at the store with Mr Amazing… but something I really wanted to treat myself to was a trip to the art store… by myself… I used to do this at least 3 days a week… wandering the aisles so often for supplies and inspiration the cashiers greeted me by name. I tried to go Sunday, I tried again Monday this time inviting Mr Amazing and Miss B (neither took me up on the invite, and I didn’t go) Tuesday I had a doctors appointment… a different specialist this time… and sure enough… I didn’t sleep … I couldn’t eat… and a fine sheen of sweat covered my face as I put on my boots to go… This wasn’t something I could put off… and I am not ready to talk about it yet… though surely I will in future posts. I survived… the doctors office is the one place I have been a few times during this last 18 months… but the fact that I was struggling even with that wasn’t lost on me. So in full Kerry fashion… I ran at my fears head on and full speed. I went to the art store directly afterwards… forced myself in… and forced myself back out (apparently checking out with a cashier was also something I had to tackle)
This is important for me to talk about because not a lot of people really went into as much of a lockdown as I did… I understand what a privilege it was that I was able to do so… to stay safe and keep everyone else safe…. I have always hated crowds… and well… most places you would find a crowd… but I have always lived my life to the fullest… one adventure after another… one shenanigan after another… I did not expect and was not prepared for these feelings I have not experienced before… ESPECIALLY after a full year of so much sadness at being separated and shut in.
This is important for me to talk about and share… not only for myself…. but I have a suspicion I am not alone… I think as we progress through this life as it now is… this will become an issue for many… a mental health issue… a social issue. Possibly a fashion issue – as you admire my lovely now grey hair… I was a salon regular prior to this pandemic… I really can’t see me returning… mostly because well.. I have really learned to appreciate every little thing about being lucky enough to age… including grey hair…. but partly because… that amount of returning to that level of normalcy feels insurmountable at the moment… Look- I don’t shut doors… I know I may end up back at the salon… I mean I know for a fact im gonna get my haircut… my eyes checked…. all the other things I haven’t been able to do during this pandemic… but I have also learned to appreciate my time a bit more… you never know how much you have… and I just kind of like who I am… I truly have had the time to get to know myself… inside and out… during this pandemic… and well… I am pretty amazing… grey hair and all…. these are things you discover about yourself when you aren’t constantly comparing yourself to others…. because you haven’t seen others …. at all… and maybe that is the root of my issue. Maybe I am afraid to lose what I have found… have it taken from me as quickly as all the other things I hold so dear in my life were during this pandemic.
So I am putting on my new sweat suit… and embracing the time I have to work from home… rather than resenting it today… because soon… the office will be open again (hopefully for real this time) and I look forward to returning and meeting people again… and I just hope whatever it is you are going through right now… you know you are loved… you matter… and we can do hard things (like go to the art store apparently) because life is not about existing… it is about truly living… something I intend to continue to do.
Globally, as of 30 March 2021, there have been 127,349,248 confirmed cases of COVID-19, including 2,787,593 deaths, reported to WHO. As of 29 March 2021, a total of 519,826,596 vaccine doses have been administered.
In the US? TOTAL CASES 30,085,827 TOTAL DEATHS 546,704 – People Vaccinated 52,614,231
In Utah? TOTAL CASES 384,756 TOTAL DEATHS 2,114 – People Vaccinated 478,918
You see where I am going with this… It is spring… Mr. Amazing and I are vaccinated… in fact as of Friday it will be 14 days from our second shot… This is the yellow light… But already people are done… Little Miss’s mom took her to the mall … I am even guilty of not waiting the full 14 days before going into a home …. inside it! I was able to see where my Small lives…. for the first time… he has lived there for over a year… IT WAS GLORIOUS… the weather has been cooperating… we have gathered outdoors… in masks… but all of us can feel the fear dissipating…
The conspiracy theories around the vaccine are wildly accepted as truths… even as testing for children under 16 begins… all of mine over 16 … My Tall… My Small… Mrs. Small… either have their shot scheduled or have been vaccinated. But the vaccines are only 90% effective and there are variants spreading like … well… a highly contagious deadly virus.
I began to notice more of the Anti-Maskers around town… This is the only place I have driven through in over a year… because well…. COFFEE!!!! Saturday morning it was packed… literally a half hour in line… worth it! But the woman ahead of me had her window down speaking loudly to someone either I cant see in the car… or on the phone… she isn’t wearing a mask… and she doesn’t need to in her car with someone from her home I suppose…. but she does not put one on when she gets to the window to order… and when requested too? Leans further into her car and says loudly “There is that 6 feet?” … I leave money for the “next two cars complying with the masking guidelines” to pay for their coffee… and proceed to hand sanitize after touching the card that was inserted in the card reader… Lysol wipe the card… Lysol wipe the shelf they are setting my coffee on for me to get… Lysol wipe the cup…. hand sanitize again… hope beyond hope that coffee is hot enough and kills any germs inside the cup… drive home… wash hands… remove mask… wash mask. I will continue to do this even though I am vaccinated… why?
How effective is the birth control pill?
If you use it perfectly, the pill is 99% effective. Do you know anyone that has gotten pregnant while on the pill? I have 4 tinys conceived while Tall child was taking the pill…. was it perfectly? I do not know… but her babies are perfect 🙂 and I would like to continue to watch them grow and witness their brilliance. I would like to meet Small child’s first child… and see his first birthday… and first day of school.
People are screaming that we quit living in fear. Cool I guess. I am not living in fear… I am living with caution…. cautions that I hope allow me to continue living. Look, I fully intend to go out this weekend… I am going to enter a store for the first time in over a year… I am going to do it much like I get my coffee… with an abundance of caution… not just for my safety… but for yours… I fully intend to see Miss Betty… and hug all the people… Id love to meet the babies born during the pandemic for the first time… because I have missed so much! I am going to to do as much and as fast as possible… because I watched a doctor from the CDC break script and choke back tears…. I listened to our President ask that people stop opening up so quickly… to keep the mask mandates in place… and I am having Deja Vu…. exactly one year ago I watched as people laughed and joked about this virus… I watched as people rushed stores in choreographed mobs without masks… knowing they couldn’t stop them all… and I watched the world get sick.
Please get whatever vaccine is available to you… as soon as it is available to you… please be kind.
Globally, as of 19 March 2021, there have been 121,209,510 confirmed cases of COVID-19, including 2,680,469 deaths, reported to WHO.
But there is a light! As of 18 March 2021, a total of 364,184,603 vaccine doses have been administered.
a few thoughts this morning as I am rubbing my arm in hopes of avoiding any soreness… Science is amazing… healthcare workers are heroes… we are going to survive.
Hope was not cancelled… and neither was Fairy City… hope is a quiet rebellion. This last weekend inbetween vaccine doses… they emerged in all their love and colors! I am announcing to the world that Fairies get vaccines!!! thats right! Because we all need to get vaccinated. I am so relieved I got mine…. I hope to never attend another funeral this way…
It was lonely and heartbreaking and I have attended too many like this this year
That being said… I lost someone (hence the coffin and funeral)… but more than that… the world lost a giant! There is a massive gap in the fabric of our life… I palpably felt the balance scale of good vs bad tip this day…. and you know what? Ive got some big shoes to fill to tip it back… there is room for more in these shoes… come on!
I am sure this is not the end of the pandemic for us… quite yet… but I am also sure more than ever in my life… I want to live… I want to hope and dream and love….. love so much. I am also sure I will have much more to say about this experience…. but I wanted to leave these immediate thoughts…. and now… the countdown to my grandkids begins!
Globally, as of 26 February 2021, there have been 112,649,371 confirmed cases of COVID-19, including 2,501,229 deaths, reported to WHO
This morning at 7:40 am I pulled into a movie theater parking lot 50 miles from my house… I couldn’t eat dinner last night… and had only sipped at half of my coffee…. hardly slept at all. Having no idea what to expect or what to do I waited a moment until I saw others slowly entering the building.
Pause for a moment to realize this would be the first building other than my doctors or dentist I will have entered since last March.
I got out of the car and a just as apprehensive Mr. Amazing did as well…
WE WERE IN A MOVIE THEATER!!!! it felt surreal… There was no smell of popcorn… no movies playing… There were about a dozen people inside waiting … either waiting to get vaccinated… or waiting to help us get vaccinated. We checked in and sat… six feet apart… in masks… we watched as the courier brought in the cooler full of doses for us… again… I cannot describe how bizarre this scene is to take in… and then they call my name… and take me into one room… everything roped off and arrows guiding… I stand where they tell me to… and sit when they tell me to… and then it happened.
The nurse giving me the injection begins to tell me what to expect and then she looks at my card… and says… Lupus! I guess you really just don’t know what to expect next. Truer words have not been spoken. I am then escorted to another theater room…. where I am reunited with Mr. Amazing (who also was able to get his shot while there with me) to be monitored for a time. The seats are numbered for spacing and sanitation purposes…. there are huge medical tents in front of the dark screen… and I can only help but hope beyond hope that soon… I will be here again… when it smells of popcorn and goodness… and there will be a movie playing.
After some time… we were told we could go… and we did! holding our cards like they were golden tickets from willy wonka himself.
You guys… I think we are going to make it… and I am so grateful!
Globally, as of 27 January 2021, there have been 99,638,507 confirmed cases of COVID-19, including 2,141,468 deaths, reported to WHO
I find myself blogging less and less about the pandemic as we are at its one year mark… maybe because I have gotten used to being in my home all the time… maybe because though my heart hurts without my adult children and grandchildren… my heart hurting is starting to feel normal… the vaccine is making its rounds… front line workers first… educators… then the elderly… as it should be… it has not reached me yet. I went to the outside yesterday just to have some routine lab work done and you’d have thought it was an event… rather than 45 minutes outside of my house. I even wore a bra.
But as the sun came up this morning unnoticed behind a grey cloud filled sky I took a trip down memory lane… which for me… with short term memory problems… was quite a bit of magic within itself. I have completed my prep work for Fairy City’s annual emergence. I say prep work… because my trip down memory lane showed me how much more I do once it is out…. who knows what this spring will bring… I do know my San Diego Fairy is coming to set up… and at the moment that is what I look forward to the most… Spring will bring warmer temps… and the return of outside time with my friends and family (and babies!!!) until the vaccine can be widely distributed and I have hope we can put this pandemic to rest finally…
Ode to my San Diego Fairy: guys… this girl… when I got the tumor and had an existential crisis about my new normal… I thought I’d have to give up my shenanigans… I already depend so much on #MrAmazing and my kids to take care of me … this was too much to ask… so this daughter of mine from another mother… and father… said she’d be my legs… she flies herself out here to lil #bountifulutah to put my art out… and to pick it up… and I just couldn’t be anymore grateful #fairycity wouldn’t exist without her and I love her like my own. (And I love my own sooooooo much) and we recycle everything!!
From my Facebook page
I looked at the very first fairy doors I made in 2016 (they can be found with enough research either on this blog or on my insta) it was april… I made six doors just as a random act of kindness and asked someone to be my get away driver… because I didnt know how they would be recieved (thanks fluff!!!) … I ended up doing about 40 doors… some mushrooms… some lady bugs…. that year… I got my first thank you note from kids… and I was hooked… That was the very year I got sick… though we didnt know what it was yet… it certainly was something… and I often painted and hot glued in bed the second year- 2017 -I made my first flowers… I wanted to branch out and gave the Thought Bubble project a trial run… along with about 80 fairy doors here in town… I shipped another 20 or so all over the country… and a few even internationally. In the fall of 2017 I did the arts festival… and the reason box campaign (yes I would classify these as campaigns of kindness) In 2018 (Year 3) the thought bubbles gave way to rocks… as I was constantly trying to get rid of the few remaining pieces that were not biodegradable (the wire, the glaze) 2019 brought those solutions… the project was now fully nontoxic and biodegradable…. This fairy season between year 3 and 4 also brought the Tumor… the Lymphoma… and a Lupus diagnosis.
2020… Rumblings of quarantine were around… but I had prepped my biggest year yet… this was the year of the street signpost… and the opening doors… this was the first year I was going to try to do more to remind people of more than kindness… to do more… and on the first day of quarantine… fairy city emerged… all at once… in a big way… because I couldnt see staging it with all the hope deflating from this planet like a popped balloon. I put out around 100 doors… many tiny games… and small fun items… the fairies joined in the “Black lives matter” movement… and the health initiatives about masks…
It is now 2021- I have a new goal of Upcycling all of my street art… making it from things that were something else before… of having no waste… and still being completely biodegradable and non toxic… I would estimate I am 99% there… I say that though some of the material was bought… it was bought in the pandemic… when businesses needed support… it was given to me as gifts… for my birthday… for christmas… as acts of love and kindness… I consider this an upcycle… as it served 2 purposes…I am six weeks away from the San Diego fairy coming for the great emergence…. This is the year of the Fairy Houses. Im nervous and excited. I hope they find who needs them the most. I hope however they are received they bring joy… and if not… they have brought me much.
Joy even in the pandemic.
Here is to year 6… Happy Birthday Fairy City…. and many more.
and now… to think upon year 7… what shenanigans can I get up to?
Globally, as of 20 January 2021, there have been 94,963,847 confirmed cases of COVID-19, including 2,050,857 deaths, reported to WHO. The United States broke the threshold of 400k…. Utah broke the threshold of 1500.
After all this time…. the year that seems like a decade… President Elect (as he was still at the time) finally acknowledged our loss in the most beautiful Covid Memorial service last night… the bells in DC tolled 400 times… here in Utah… ours tolled 15 times.
“If there are angels I think they’re the nurses (medical staff) working through this pandemic”-President Elect Biden (for the last day!)… I completely agree… Thankyou for the memorial and reflection…. yes these are photos of my computer screen… yes I always want to remember where I was. Ready for some more pictures of my computer screen… because lets talk about today!!!!
It started for me at 5:30 am… at which time I declared loudly I was not getting out of bed until he (who must not be named) was gone… see I live in the Mountain Standard Time Zone… and the departing President was in the Eastern Time Zone… and scheduled to depart at 8am… so I closed my eyes again until it was so…. I then leapt out of bed and hopped in the shower… singing “I’m gonna wash that man right outta my hair” the entire time. Note: this is the only time in my life I remember singing in the shower.
Then I moved my office (back to the living room) and put on pants! yes pants for work… because I am ready to try again… I am ready to work on the world again… I am brimming with hope.
Yep! Tons of more pictures of my screen… sure… there are the professional pictures online… but I want to remember where I was… that I was sobbing uncontrollably.
Soooooo many tears of joy and soooo many tears of release for what we’ve been through… not just the prior administration … but being a woman! The barriers and ceilings of race and inequality – Kamala Harris broke them!! “This is our historic moment and unity is the path forward!”- President Biden!
And I was Singing the National Anthem! Clapping like a fool! Hand over my heart alone in my living room! Amazing!
I washed my face… and continued my day of work… but the smile never left… and I have so many reasons to smile.
YEP!!!! Grandbaby on the way!!!!
and so I leave you with this…. as so PERFECTLY said during the inauguration.
Brave enough to see it (the light) and brave enough to be it.
Globally, as of 14 January 2021, there have been 90,759,370 confirmed cases of COVID-19, including 1,963,169 deaths, reported to WHO.
Christmas came… and went…. so did New Years… the vaccine arrived and began distribution… I am still in my house… waiting patiently for my turn… I spoke to a friend today who has the virus… she is tired… she is sick… and she is a lucky one…This is how we Christmased… in a pandemic… I have not seen them since… My heart feels like it is breaking… but wait for it…
My heart is not broken yet… because it is getting hardened…. Oh why the hell not just throw it out there and save myself some time…. There is no sex trafficking ring underground the pizza parlor – they use Epstein island or the phone book… there’s no doubt someone’s got something somewhere on a laptop – I really don’t care… I’m sure my kids have things on their cellphone they don’t want me to see…Obama is not hiding in the publishers clearinghouse van coming for your guns… there’s no storm… no kracken… no conspiracy… there was no steal… the FBI has stated it was not antifa… they’re not deep state… there’s no deep state…. they flaunt their actions in public proudly and people cheer…. we voted… a winner has been certified… the time stamp of someone’s tweet or where they’re looking in a photo is not a code or message…. why ya all making the bald eagle out to be some angry pro wrestler? It’s a bird- I like it! But it isn’t wearing an Uncle Sam hat and beating anyone up… and then… the insurrection happened… because apparently they did not read this rant filled paragraph…. Trump was impeached AGAIN… and President Elect Biden will hold his inauguration with the National Guard sleeping on the hard marble floors of the capitol building…. Hate is a stranger to me… it is not something I’ve experienced very often … but it fills my heart this morning… I’m ashamed of “nearly half” … how were the lies believable when clearly the words “nearly half” by definition is not the majority … I’m ashamed… I hope they’re embarrassed and ashamed… disgust churns in my gut… don’t worry about me I will work through it.., love will win the battle inside me… Trump deserves to be in prison… Giuliani and Rubio as well as Hawley should serve time…”Removing Trump will only make his followers more violent” isn’t a call for unity. It’s extortion. I suggest you take care of your own battle… for it is so much uglier than mine.
And so I paint… and I work… and I talk about it… and I fight that battle that much like the things in the title of this post… rages inside of me…
They’re all on the instagram…. same name as the blog… incase you needed to be reminded why we keep fighting… why we keep loving… So I will close with that… so much light and love to you all who have found your way here… it is hard… this is effing hard… but we can do hard things.
Before I go onto my story I would like to mention this pandemic is still raging out of control… but there is hope in the spring… the vaccine is coming.
Globally, as of December 3rd there have been 63,719,213 confirmed cases of COVID-19, including 1,482,084 deaths, reported to WHO.
Worth mentioning however…. this will be my first post since the beginning of this thing that is not about this thing…. maybe with hope is coming some healing.
At first, When I became sick… I felt like my life was falling apart… doctors suggested it was stress… and thanks to Mr. Amazing I was finally to a point in my life that I could stop being the breadwinner and live a bit more simply…. So I left my big world traveling career… and with a book in mind… that a publisher friend whom I’d sent the synopsis to had already shown interest in… I left… I wrote the book… It won top mentions in writing circles… I never even submitted it for publication… because I wasn’t happy with it… and didn’t want to put the work into it that it would require to become great… Don’t get me wrong… I have it… and I will one day… when the wind blows me that way.
Hold on tight… The wind blows me all over the place in this back story to my super hero life.
Out of nowhere… I began to paint… Yep paint… Id dabbled here and there… but when you make a list of things you can do to be mindful and release stress… Travel (I did this quite a bit as well) … Painting…. etc… you get the idea… Infact ALL of this is captured in the posts of this blog.
Well guys… I’m a worker bee… a real over achiever… and I have been working my entire life…. So soon my home was overflowing with Paintings… everyones room had them… my friends had them… and soon my street art project was born (Fairy City- Search it)
During this time I contracted for a while… doing the same type of work as I had in my career… but part time… two years in fact I did this… and regardless of what happened with that… I feel like we were wildly successful.
But I was getting sicker… sneaking into the office early to disinfect everything I had touched because I had strep… or pink eye…. or whatever else happen to be the case at the time… and the sicker I became the angrier I became…contracting ended and I did an art show (like hurricane force wind changes)
I knew until I got healthy I was never going to be able to work like I had before… so that became my focus… I applied for a job at the state… not for the pay… but for the benefits…. but in order to work… I knew it was going to have to be something I believed in… So I headed to education… because I had at this point figured out I was a superhero of the streets (again… Fairy City LOL) but I needed to feel good about my daytime work as well… how could I affect the change in the world I wanted to see? Education. But, I needed no stress… and nothing hanging on me incase I disappeared due to whatever invisible thing was trying to kill me. So I landed a job as Executive Secretary in the EXACT right place… my disguise was almost complete…. add a couple tumors… some lymphoma…. chemo drugs… oh and kill the hamstring. PERFECT! No one would ever suspect who I really was… including myself.
Pause for a moment:
I HATE THE WORD SECRETARY- I HATE IT… yet, I applied for it… and loathed it even more. I have a degree… my mind is brilliant! unless I am forgetting simple words… or have brain fog… it works a thousand times better than my body at this point… and it works fast… it thinks of new ways to do things… better ways… it thinks out of the box! It gets shit done guys! My pride became my nemesis… My ego was mountain high… and it wasn’t okay with this new title. I had a lot of work to do on it…. and luckily as I went from hospital bed… to cane…. to wheelchair… back to walking sticks… I had the time to do so.
Story Continued: Job openings have been posted… and my DREAM job was one of them… a director position in Equity…. The REAL ability to put all those ideas and words I painted on fairy doors into action. I had the qualifications… and the reputation in the building (or so my ego, coworkers, and husband tells me) … and I stopped short … I have an autoimmune disease… I am barely hanging on sometimes… I have to lay down after I shower…
How could I maintain any kind of ethical integrity and apply for that job knowing I am no longer able to do it… Knowing that walking into a campus is all the walking I can do for a day… and suddenly… I didn’t hate the word Secretary any more… Most people with my diagnosis would be on disability… I am a force to be reckoned with… one these diseases have not faced before… I AM THE SECRETARY!!! I am affecting as much change in this world as I am able… and a bit more… and that is good enough….
Moral of this story? Sometimes the phrase “It is good enough” is literal… I am good enough.
