Articles by Kerry

Nov 30 2024

Greetings from Fantasy Land.

Author: Kerry • Discussion: No Comments

One of the ways I got through my childhood was by constantly fantasizing that one day… someone would come along who would give me all the warmth and nurturing I craved–like magic! This is called a “healing fantasy” and it’s pretty common.

Unfortunately… what helped me cope as a child also set me up to be an emotionally demanding partner (and to be attracted to people who were,… in various ways…emotionally unavailable and completely unequipped to meet those demands).

It has taken me a long time to try to let go of that fantasy… and accept that it’s really up to me to heal these missing pieces… Nobody is going to rescue me from my feelings… Nobody is going to see through my anger and criticalness to my hurt and scared Inner Child. Other people just want me to deal with things like a grown-up, the same I want them to deal with things.

OK, but how do you do that?

One day I decided to just Google, “How to meet your own emotional needs”… I mean, why not?

I found some ways suggested… one of them being journaling… hey if that worked… I’d be immortal… I’ve been writing my way through life all of my life … My mind… for whatever reason … is very prone to fantasy and magical thinking as a coping mechanism.

For most of my life… my primary means of motivating myself was to project myself into a better future in my mind… and use the feelings of that dream as leverage to propel myself forward. I would throw a hook into that dream and pull myself toward it like I was climbing a mountain.

But eventually… after enough of these fantasies crumbled to dust or disillusionment… I realized… Because I had to focused so hard on just getting to the future… I hadn’t paid any attention to creating a better present…. While I had developed resilience in the process of climbing so many mountains… I always thought I was headed somewhere amazing… when I was really just stuck in a repetitive cycle.

And that’s when I finally realized that all futures are created out of the present… Anything you are doing right now is practice for how your future will look.

it’s literally how the brain works.
Every action you take,…every thought you think…… the only time and place that change happens is right here and right now.

Without the borrowed energy of a fantasy … I had to face my utter exhaustion. I didn’t know how to make my present-day life nourishing and enjoyable…. And I had a backlog of healing that I had put off until the magical future arrived…One of my favorite phrases is “I am waiting to be discovered!!” I need to rebuild and I’m doing that work.

But in finally giving up the idea that I would be happy and healed by-and-by when such-and-such happened…I was able to reach a level of integrity I could be proud of… and because I’m more present… I started paying attention to my current surroundings… and made choices for what I wanted those to be… who I would have in my day… or present situation…. Based on where they were in theirs… without the yesterdays or one days. I don’t have this skill down well… and I am constantly trying to move things around to how “They should be” to meet my fantasy of healing…. But I am making progress… progress… not perfection.

I get frustrated when people aren’t playing their character the way I fantasized… this is reflection of me and my self awareness (or lack of) not theirs…. And I am very critical… mistakenly of them… when in truth it is me.

So when I invite you into my day… or choose to spend my life along side you for any amount of time… even if I am so critical (again mistakenly) please know it is because I think you are amazing… right now… not based on what you have… what you’ve done… what you could do.

some days I’m really good and expressing that… other days not… especially when there is any change in my life… so most of the time lately.
I love myself though… flaws and all…

And I love you… exactly the same way

I apologize for not standing in my truth… but this is the truth… and I’m working on it.

and I can’t speak… and you can’t listen… because we are all running these side healing fantasies… of if I say this/this will happen… or what I am saying is so important/you will hear it and be amazed…

so I wrote it down

Nov 13 2024

A Decade of Fairies… and Finding My Way Back to Words

Author: Kerry

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? The dust has settled on this blog… the entries sparse and scattered like forgotten fairy dust. Life… it swept in with its whirlwind of changes. Kids grew… demanding less of my words and more of my time (a fair trade, I suppose). My health took an unexpected turn, making even the simplest tasks… like holding a pen or typing a sentence… feel Herculean.

But something magical happened amidst the chaos. Ten years ago… I started a little street art project… as you know. What began as a whimsical idea blossomed into an annual tradition – Fairy City. Each year, I’d create and install themed art… transforming the space into a haven for fairies… and for those who believed.

This coming year marks a milestone – a decade of Fairy City. It’s also a bittersweet ending. My final year of themed installations. My body simply can’t keep up with the demands of large-scale creation anymore.

Yet, as I prepare for this final hurrah, a familiar desire to write is coming back up to surface. A need for the connection that blossoms when thoughts and stories are shared.

Perhaps this decade-long journey with Fairy City has been more than just about art. Personally, I think it is what I did with all of these thoughts… energies…. emotions that I have in abundance

My children are older now… their worlds expanding beyond the reach of my words. But maybe there’s a different kind of story waiting to be told. A story of resilience… of finding magic in unexpected corners… of embracing change while cherishing the past.

This blog has been a silent observer, maybe it might just become a companion once more. A space to chronicle the next chapter, to explore the lessons learned amidst fairies and health struggles, and to rediscover the joy of writing, one word at a time.

Who knows, maybe the fairies will whisper inspiration in my ear. After all, they’ve always been quite good at reminding me of the magic that resides within us all.

Until then? Smiffbib guys!

Dec 31 2023

at the end of 2023

Author: Kerry

If you know me… you will know that I do not cling to religion… and my Sundays are spent with the different correspondents of the CBS Sunday Morning news program… and have been all of my adult life. If you live with me… you either learn to love it… or leave me alone with my coffee through it… I prefer to watch it in silence… though some of the stories spark such conversations that we miss the remainder of it…. except the moment of nature… when everything stops… and everyone runs in the room to watch in silence the beautiful blue marble we live on… seeing and hearing sounds we have never experienced… or ones we have and we relive it through that moment. I have many favorites about this program… Techno Clause is a HUGE hit in our home… but the Hail and Farewell episode of the year is always something we watch in reverence and wonder…. This year was no different. I remember sobbing through the Hail and Farewell to 2022, But I do not remember why… and as my soul was breathed hope this morning through the Hail and Farewell to 2023 I decided I wanted to write why… see the program doesn’t really change much… life continues… people live and do great and terrible things… and people die… and stories change our world and the planet is always getting warmer… but what does change… is me.

I had the dawning realization this morning… as I seem to be processing some trauma of that last few years… and shedding some of my careful compartments of emotions and thoughts tucked away for a safer calmer time to unpackage and feel… that… well as cliche as it sounds… it is what it is. I watched as Anderson Cooper talked about this as well… funny how some of the people you love and admire the most you have never met… Anderson Cooper is one of those for me… Mr Amazing suggested that if I did know him I may not feel that way… and I responded with ofcourse I would. Because I understand every characteristic… every value… comes with its other side… infact thinking two sided is very narrow in of itself… and as the news program alerted me to the fact that shooting down the Chinese Balloon… happened this year… that the boats and submarines that imploded or capsized killing so many were this year…. that the canadian wildfires… the Redwood fires… the Hawaii fires… were this year. In a year of mass shootings being daily news… and two wars now raging… the middle east one joined the Ukraine/Russia one… though it is not eithers first. Time seemed to slow down… it is an illusion… created by so much happening.

Thankyou NASA!

So in this spirit… I too would like to bid 2023 Hail and Farewell…

First we Hail…

Hail to personal growth and development- I mentioned those containers above that I need to unpack and process… I have been doing this slowly… in silence… as I mold different tiny things from clay. I have learned a lot… mostly good… and may bad…. but I am going to stop there with those adjectives… because I do not believe events to be so easily categorized… so many consequences of something bad or terrible feeling at the time do turn out to be good… and some of those low hanging fruits that bring immediate joy… can turn sour in retrospect. Nothing is Black and White… it is always in the middle of that grey area somewhere… and HOW GREAT IS THAT!!!

Hail to Mr Amazing. Do I even need to say why? I love this man and our patchwork tribe more than there are words in my vocabulary to express. So I won’t try. I will continue to just love as I do.

Hail to our commander in chief! Politics are exactly that… Grey… and my feelings about President Biden are also somewhere in the middle… and me with my feelings about things can go jump off a cliff… because it is events that he is ushering in that matters.. and I am grateful for so much of that. Did you know that it was Nixon that signed the endangered animals act into law? Thanks to sunday morning I do now too… all I knew of Nixon was watergate… but the man did some great things… again. Grey is always the answer

Hail to my babies!! (I gave birth to one… I have many) They are the most amazing creatures! Through the black and the white of their lives… I get a front row seat to all of it… someone hand me some pom poms… cause I cannot possibly cheer for them any louder…

Hail to my dad!!! This one is a very recent story… and it is his… but my part of that story was finding a friend in him… finding some interesting traits we share… and honestly finding out how much I just love him. Weird right?

Hail to my babies babies!!! OMGOSH!! I just cant even. I grow SO much personally because of these little monsters. I stay mobile and driven because of them. I am loved. I love them so.

The point of all of this… is there is no good and bad… there just is life. What an amazing year it has been… what an amazing time to be alive… ofcourse… that could be said clear back as far as we know… and as far forward as we can imagine…. Surely I am not getting my point across… because I do not have the words to express it… other than Grey. So lets move onto some farewells

Farewell to parts of my brain… Farewell to a time that my License plates did not announce my disabilities… Farewell to my 40s!! Farewell to some family and friends… Farewell to a version of me that I have outgrown… Farewell to some ability… and mobility too… I must say farewell to some things… in order to make room for new things… Farewell to some of the darkest personal times of my life (yes, this year, I unpackaged some of those containers and climbed inside of them and hid in the darkness where I wallowed in the pity of it all… and then stopped)

So if the best analogy I have come up with for this place that I am in… is two sides of a coin… and life is one big coin toss… Throw the fucking coin!! and lets do it again and again and again.

I would like to pause and acknowledge… I didn’t write this year… I didn’t write birthday letters… I didn’t do a lot of things… but the other side of that coin is the things I did do… and I am so grateful each and everyday for the people that make it possible. (I am one of those people as well) Love is the religion I cling too… and it has brought me so far!

my original angel girl
JOY!!!
My sponsor of all adventures. My Partner. My Best Friend. My Most sexy human!
OMGOSH How lucky was I to share a cup of chowder with these humans. Thank you for that!
Getting to know family I didnt, and laying to rest some I also didnt. and all of it was perfectly grey!
These girls… my heart.
My Tolman and Sippy Cup Corner
My Badass Tribe
My Son. My God I love him.
Oct 03 2023

The story I am not ready to write…

Author: Kerry

I’m just not- I’m not trying to be ominous… I’m trying to save these photos for when I can talk about them… which is not today… I also wanna talk about turning 50… but not today … today I just want to get these photos off my phone until I can write about it and process it… so that I dont stare at them any longer… okay … thanks… I love you… bubye

Jul 17 2023

Remember…

Author: Kerry

You know, I was 26 when you were born… And now that you are 24… I would like to tell you that the last 24 years of my life were the best years of my life.

It amazes me how time flies… To be honest… I have never wanted you to grow old. Selfish I know… But, look at you! You’re all grown up. Even to this day, I have not gotten over the fact that you are now an adult… ready to take on the world… I mean I bought you underwear and socks for your birthday still! Forgive my possessiveness, but I guess every mommy feels that way.

When you were born, you weighed a whopping 5lb. You were a very ornery baby… BUT every time you smiled…. you had this magical glint in your eyes that melted my heart. When your daddy first held you in his arms, I remember him telling me, “I made this.”

He was so proud of you! So am I, So is the BFG. You have grown up exactly the way we wanted you to… a strong… independent (yes this means stubborn) Soul. You always surprised us as a kid. You would do things without much nudging and still come up with solutions.

We are sure you will be able to handle the pressures of life with dedication as you always did in every circumstance. You can rest assured that your tribe will always have your back. Be kind and work hard. Remember what is important… Protect that same magical glint in the eye you have passed onto Sam… OH SAMMY!!! Everything will be okay Johnathon… it will… nothing will ever go as planned… but no one is more loved than you… and I know that you love that boy just as much…. He is so lucky… we all are to have you….

With the world today it is so hard to give advice… it is such a different world than I could have ever imagined…. but know this… I believe in you… I love you… and I wish you the very Happiest of Birthdays!!

We are all better people… because of you.

YIP YIP!!

Feb 23 2023

A most random musing: Curses, Bright Spots… and Forward March!

Author: Kerry

We’ve all heard it before. “I hope you get one just like you.” It was usually said during a battle of wills or after a trip to the principal’s office or “making out with the foreign exchange student” and more than likely… muttered under their breath like a curse. Just wait for what? Super sweet baby snuggles? Adorable sleepy smiles? Nope.

Revenge in the form of a tiny version of yourself.

So instead of rolling my eyes… I respond the latest parenting woe by saying, “you were just like that,” … I remember how they handled it or how I wished they had handled it… Instead of feeling uncomfortable with having a mirror reflect my least favorite qualities back at me… I confront them and try to understand why we all cry when we’re frustrated or shut people out when they hurt us… And when they (the grandbabies) stand their ground and refuse to back down… I silently applaud their tenacity and calmly inform them that they’re going up against the masters of tenacity (These young parents got it from ME!) and they might want to check themselves before they wreck themselves.

Maybe it is not a curse after all…

Have you ever noticed a look of resignation on a child’s face? That moment when a grandchild gives in, and does what the parents say. You can tell that submission isn’t easy. Something happens in the shoulders. The head may droop. The step may be slow.

Go to bed now, young lady.

Rise and shine, it’s time for school.

Brush your teeth. Right now.

Two more bites of beans, or no dessert.

Hug your sister. She didn’t mean to trip you.

No more screen time for you,

And so it goes.

Those nagging reminders… Those marching orders… Those words often said in exasperation are teaching you self care… for your adult life…. because on the other end of the spectrum here…. with my children grown… in the house for weeks… those are the same things I tell myself as a form of self love. So listen to your Moms…. enjoy your kids rebellion… and then relish in the joy of grandkids…. this is what life is…. this story is brought to you by a mom who DESPERATELY needs to focus on the joy to get through the rest of this month… then I look forward to the next thing… and I don’t allow myself to go backwards… or stay stuck. We are BURIED in snow… nothing in my lab work looks good…. everything is swollen… and I am the most grateful person on this planet for ALL OF IT. because I am alive. and that means forward march! (see what I did there?)

Dec 21 2022

Winter Solstice has finally arrived…

Author: Kerry

I have intense seasonal depression, and I have turned it into a positive thing… I count down to spring… I build my fairy city…. today I was late logging into work… because I celebrated by taking an EXTRA long hot shower… taking time to moisturize and dress warmly… followed by making a hot cup of tea in a real mug…. not a disposable and toasted myself a bagel… even though I usually am not a breakfast person… before entering my SpareBedroomPaintroomStorageRoomMeditationRoomArtRoomOffice and lit a small incense and turned out the light so the only glow comes unnaturally from my computer monitor as I type this… and go within

In the coming year… I will celebrate 50 trips around the sun on this tiny rock …. I believe there are some habits I can let go of with the passing of the longest night… and I can welcome some new ones in…. but whether or not I make it through the 50th trip… or do anything beyond exist… I am grateful for this morning… this warm cup of tea… this nourishment… the love that I carry in my heart for people and places and animals… for my eyes that find a beauty in this grey bleak day… and likely it is the lightest today will be… and I am so grateful for my belief that I can make it through the dark that is coming… for it is also my friend… and I know that after today… the light begins its return.

I posted this poem on social media… I do not know who to attribute it to…. but it says perfectly my state of mind today… I hope whoever finds this … also finds rest… and peace… and light inside themselves in the darkness.

At the Solstice, the darkness of winter exerts its power and stakes its claim as the longest night of the year.

Yet, in the next breath, the darkness turns and starts a steady march to the shortest night of the year in summer.

Cycles of our lives. Our days. Our moments.

Hold on to the light. Spring is coming.

May your heart shine bright with peace and joy even in the darkness.

May your Winter Solstice be filled with expanding light, both within and without. 

Sep 30 2022

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the ORIGINAL Angel Girl!!

Author: Kerry

Today You turn 33 years old. It’s been another year – time moving on as though it doesn’t know that there is so much we want to get done before …. well before whatever time we said we would do it before!

This year… in this birthday letter…. this weird ass tradition that I don’t even remember how it got started… I would like to tell you what I have learned from watching you… I have always said it is my children who raised me… you definitely taught me some of the most important life lessons and shaped so much of who I am today.

With its ups and downs and fast pace Life can be distracting. The most important thing you can do is to take time to consider what you’re truly about. I’m not talking about what you own, or who you know.

I’m talking about; strip away labels and the watch you wear all those images you may hold of what ‘making it’ & being big is all about- take away your family & friends (they enrich your life, they don’t define you) and really think, when it comes down to bare bones; what are you about? Are you a kind person? Are you giving? Do you make people feel good about themselves? Are you a happy person? Are you happy with your life and what you do? As human beings we aren’t perfect, so what can you do to improve your shortcomings? What are you truly passionate about? What kind of things make you unhappy and how are you going to try and distance yourself from it? Who are you?

The answers to the above may take a lifetime to discover (that’s the beauty of life), but today on your birthday, I give thanks. I am grateful for being content in who I am and what I am contributing to the world. This sense of purpose drives me.

I believe that you should find Spirit in others- in people’s kindness… in the beauty of ordinary life.

Thank you for being the one to teach me that… it is who I am… my truth… and it is a reflection of you.

Here’s a list of EXACTLY what I learned from watching you (incase you forget that you are light):

  •  Be kind
  •  Be grateful. Never take anything for granted- no one owes you anything
  •  Don’t allow material things to give you value. Create that within yourself
  •  Find true confidence in knowing who you are- care what people think but don’t let their opinion fundamentally change how you see yourself
  •  Create happiness- it’s an ongoing act, not a destination
  •  Give positive energy wherever you go- you’ll get the same thing back
  •  Respect yourself- never compromise the core of you for anyone
  •  Time is valuable- if you’re unhappy, make a change and do it quickly
  •  Nourish your soul & invest in yourself

All my love. All my respect. All my gratitude. Happy Birthday Angel, I am SO proud of you,

Mom.

Jul 17 2022

A Letter to Samson… For Johnathon’s Birthday

Author: Kerry

Soooo I’m on a roll… Writing birthday letters to others besides the person who’s birthday it is… Please know that I do it from a place of love.

Sweet Boy, I wish I could change some of the harsh realities that have already happened in your young life. I wish we lived in a world where tragedy didn’t strike innocent children. But I can’t change the past and I can’t protect you from all the bad things as much as I want to. The best I can do, Sammy, is trust your dad will teach you and guide you to the best of his ability. As you grow, there are a few fundamental things I want you to cling to. Use them as your guidebook, especially when life gets tough.

Spread kindness like wildfire.

Your dad is the epitome of kindness. Everywhere he goes, and to everyone he meets, he spreads kindness and laughter. Samson, you have your Daddy’s same kind heart and compassionate nature. I see it already in your expression when you listen to music… when you hear my silly voice greeting you. Hold on to that, even when life gets hard. Your Daddy is so widely loved and admired because he loved and admired everyone around him. Everyone deserves kindness, baby. Don’t be afraid to show it.

Be brave and courageous.

There will be times in your life where you’d rather hide or run or bury your head in the sand than face whatever challenge is in your way. I know because I’ve been there many times. In those times, I want you to remember to be brave and show courage. But bravery and courage don’t have to come from you; in fact, it often doesn’t because we, as humans, struggle with the strong grip of fear. Often it overwhelms us. When that happens, always call on your dad to lend you courage and bravery, He has so much of it. He will give you the strength you need to get through the battle you’re facing.

Be respectful.

I have already begun to teach you how to respect your elders. Because I am so very old now. Even as a tiny young thing, I am so proud of how polite you are. Keep that up. Everyone deserves respect and I expect you to show it. I expect you to respect your teachers and your friends. I expect you to respect law enforcement and those in authority over you. I especially expect you to respect girls, and later, women. When you show respect to others, even when they’re being jerks to you, you will always come out on top.

Remember how blessed you are.

Life is full of hills and valleys, some valleys being worse than others. You have already experienced a deep valley in your young life. Unfortunately, none of us are immune to tragedy. It is easy to count our blessings when we are riding high on top of those hills. The true measure of a person, I believe, is when you can still see the blessings you have in the midst of those valleys. Always remember, no matter what you’re going through in life, be it a big or small challenge, that you are incredibly blessed. When you are facing a challenge, focus on your blessings and hang on to them tight.

Love him like your father loved me.

Your Daddy loved me more than I ever thought was possible. Sammy, your dad, loved me with a kind of love that all sons could learn from, but few accomplish. I want you to love yourself like your Daddy loved you. EVERY DAY. Love yourself like you are the magic you are… Love yourself with the amazement and wonder I see in your dad’s eyes when he looks at you, I am sure my eyes hold that same wonder when I look at him. Your magic is hereditary.

It is always the right choice to do the right thing.

Sammyinpajammies, you will be faced with the temptation to do lots of things because all the other boys are doing it. It may be the temptation to smoke or make fun of the new kid, treat a girl like an object, or cheat on a test. None of these things are worth it in the end. Not only will you disappoint me by choosing the wrong thing, but you will also ultimately disappoint yourself, and that is a far worse feeling. You will do some of these things anyways… and then you will learn grace… forgiveness… and you pick up and do the right things again. Doing the right thing is often going to take a great deal of courage and bravery (But you got these characteristics from your dad in abundance). It will likely make you feel like a bit of an outcast at times. It may even make you the target of nasty comments. Your dad will always be here to help you with making the right choice, and I will be here to help you get through whatever may come from your choice. “My” baby, you are far too young for any of this to mean anything to you right now. But I promise that one day you will need these bits and pieces of advice. Tuck them away in your heart and draw them out when you need them. You are a wonderful blessing to your Daddy, and the world. You are meant for great things, Sam. I can’t wait to see how you make your mark!

Love your old grammy!

Happy Birthday Old little dude… I am so so lucky you were my son. I love you so much.

Jul 14 2022

Holy Shit! You’re Old!! 16!!

Author: Kerry

(Well… I had purchased a banner that said this… but then had to edit this prewritten post because I did not want to send the sweary thing to your Moms; which is where you wanted to be….. which I get. I do. You have woken up here on your birthday most of your 16 years… and it is okay)

My Dearest Miss B! I HATE 16!!! I HATED myself at 16…. I hated heather feather turning and being 16… I hated Neenerfan being 16…. and I hate that you are now 16 (Although Im secretly proud of all of us) So instead of writing you a letter… Im going to write myself one… and hope beyond hope… that you realize it is true for you as well

Dear Kerry,

I’m writing to you as your 48 year old self but don’t panic, it’s less bizarre than it seems so please hear me out. 

Looking back now, there’s so much I wish I had known at the ripe old age of 16 so I’m here to share a few words on what’s to come for you and to hopefully serve up some guidance that will help you through these next few years.

So here goes.

First things first, please buy yourself a good cleanser, and moisturizer… it’ll work wonders. You’ll soon learn a myriad of different techniques that will simplify the process of applying makeup but be patient, these things take time.

Now that’s out of the way…

The chapter of your life you’re currently flicking through is a difficult one and I know that the positivity you used to hold on to so tightly is rendered with unwanted feelings. They’re growing like weeds and you’re finding it tricky to pull through those that weave around your feet, tripping your every step but you will be able to break free soon. Trust me when I say that it really does get better.

What’s to come is something I like to call your transitional period and I’m sorry to say that it’s an awkward one. But a lot of what lies ahead will lead you to the next step. Think of it as an escalator which takes you to the next level. However it’s a dodgy one so sometimes it breaks or pauses, prompting this feeling of being suspended in some kind of middle ground but things will be on the move again soon.

It’s not going to be easy, of course. The challenges won’t be erased with a blink of an eye but as you climb over one hurdle and then the next, you’ll become stronger. You should be prepared to stumble over some though – quite literally sometimes, obstacles still jump out from no where.

Right now you feel like your life is a big debacle with every challenge punctuating that thought. The sniggering laughs and sly comments about you coupled with your anxieties. But you’ll soon graduate from a place where these things hold you back.

The anxiety will evidently still be the catalyst to a lot of your challenges and upset but amongst the darkness of those moments, you’ll find energy to strive to reach the light. You’ll be in pursuit of things that make you happy, the things that fulfil the image you’ve marked out for yourself.

You feel awfully alone right now as you go through the motions with some friendships but don’t worry, those tear stained cheeks that punctuate each passing school day will soon become less frequent of an occurrence and bridges will start to form again.

You’ll come out the other side with friendships which have such tangible strength and those people will provide you with unwavering support which you will of course reciprocate.

But being you, the worry of burdening others with your quandaries will be one of the main reasons why you don’t reach out to these people. However, you will find another way of releasing all those worries.

You’ll write a lot more, hoping that engaging in this catharsis will purge all those unwanted feelings. The endless list of documents which hold these thoughts will eventually encourage the creation of your blog and as your words spread more widely, feedback from others will help you to ascertain the realization that you’re not alone.

There will be relief in expressing your thoughts in this way and hearing back from others but it won’t erase every trace, so it’s important to strike the right balance between writing and talking.

The move from where you are now to where you will be in five years time will be uncomfortable at times. Some things will constitute short-lived pain but that’s exactly what it is, short.

Some mistakes will be made between now and then too but you live and you learn kid, don’t feel bad, don’t fret. You will move on from all those little demons. There will of course be things that you can’t push away. Anxiety will still dominate some aspects of your life but you’ll step out of your comfort zone in a way you’ve never done before, in a way that you can’t imagine right now and the consequences of those extra steps will be so rewarding. 

Sometimes you’re scared that you’ll never escape some of your feelings, you sense an ominous click of the pause button when they become stronger and you feel laced with self-doubt but these things are only ever temporary.

With a reshuffle of thoughts and a tight grip on the positive ones along with the support of your family and friends, you’ll be able to pull through.

You’ll learn that sometimes the biggest challenge can be transformed into something with purpose. That purpose will turn into strength, your strength. Whilst you still come face to face with dilemmas and you find yourself in another muddle, you’ll find things that will guide you through, even when you least expect it.

So hold on tight, it’s going to be a bumpy road but there will be smooth and narrow stretches ahead, always focus on those moments.

Stay strong and stay determined.

You’re going to be ok, I promise.

Love from,

You, aged 48

Happy Birthday Lacey Pretty Facey… I love you beyond expression… I have so much faith in you from over here in the bleachers watching you play your part in this world… I hope you have a wonderful day.