Globally, as of 7 April 2021, there have been 131,837,512 confirmed cases of COVID-19, including 2,862,664 deaths, reported to WHO. As of 5 April 2021, a total of 604,032,357 vaccine doses have been administered.

In the US – 30,596,830 Confirmed cases, 554,420 Deaths, 219,194,215 Vaccines administered.

In Utah – 387,814 Confirmed cases, 2,137 Deaths, 994,402 Vaccines administered.

Two weeks were marked this past weekend since my second dose of the Pfizer Vaccine… there was rejoicing and gathering afoot!

We went into our first store together (Mr Amazing and I) – and in my ventures I have discovered something we are gonna have to have words about… so here they are; I am having a hard time. I said it. I have begged pleaded and cried over being expected to stay home for over a year…. and now? I am REALLY STRUGGLING with leaving home…. Lets discuss.

The office is one of my favorite places… thanks to lupus I do not have a lot of steps in me… I have learned that being in the office all day… my social and soul needs are met… I have friends there I can rely on… I get to meet new people on the regular…I get to have me time (away from family time)… I get to help improve the world through acts of kindness and supporting education. Its really fantastic actually. So though the office is still closed to the public… I got permission to go in for a day… unpack my desk from a remodel… and make it ready to use upon return as more people get their vaccines and case counts go down…. sounds lovely right? well… here is how that went… I didn’t sleep the night before at all… in the pit of my stomach I felt ill… I couldn’t eat… I woke up way earlier than necessary…. got dressed five different times (mind you- I KNEW THERE WASN’T ANYONE THERE TO SEE ME) … I ran a red light on the way (the whole green arrow thing got me) … I am not sure I would have made it in the office at all if someone I knew wasn’t there… who came to my car to help me carry things in. I was sweaty and out of breath when I finally got to my working spot… I did fine after that as I went hours without seeing anyone else… I unpacked my office… cleaned out some stuff … forgot part of my laptop at home (which worked out because the sickness was coming back to my stomach pit at the thought of exiting the building) so after 7 hours I drove back home and worked my last hour from home with the big monitor so I could accomplish something needed. I didn’t die. I hoped it was a fluke. I was SO GRATEFUL that I had done it when others weren’t there to see me be a hot mess…. I did not know I was now a shut in.

I had done fine when at the store with Mr Amazing… but something I really wanted to treat myself to was a trip to the art store… by myself… I used to do this at least 3 days a week… wandering the aisles so often for supplies and inspiration the cashiers greeted me by name. I tried to go Sunday, I tried again Monday this time inviting Mr Amazing and Miss B (neither took me up on the invite, and I didn’t go) Tuesday I had a doctors appointment… a different specialist this time… and sure enough… I didn’t sleep … I couldn’t eat… and a fine sheen of sweat covered my face as I put on my boots to go… This wasn’t something I could put off… and I am not ready to talk about it yet… though surely I will in future posts. I survived… the doctors office is the one place I have been a few times during this last 18 months… but the fact that I was struggling even with that wasn’t lost on me. So in full Kerry fashion… I ran at my fears head on and full speed. I went to the art store directly afterwards… forced myself in… and forced myself back out (apparently checking out with a cashier was also something I had to tackle)

This is important for me to talk about because not a lot of people really went into as much of a lockdown as I did… I understand what a privilege it was that I was able to do so… to stay safe and keep everyone else safe…. I have always hated crowds… and well… most places you would find a crowd… but I have always lived my life to the fullest… one adventure after another… one shenanigan after another… I did not expect and was not prepared for these feelings I have not experienced before… ESPECIALLY after a full year of so much sadness at being separated and shut in.

This is important for me to talk about and share… not only for myself…. but I have a suspicion I am not alone… I think as we progress through this life as it now is… this will become an issue for many… a mental health issue… a social issue. Possibly a fashion issue – as you admire my lovely now grey hair… I was a salon regular prior to this pandemic… I really can’t see me returning… mostly because well.. I have really learned to appreciate every little thing about being lucky enough to age… including grey hair…. but partly because… that amount of returning to that level of normalcy feels insurmountable at the moment… Look- I don’t shut doors… I know I may end up back at the salon… I mean I know for a fact im gonna get my haircut… my eyes checked…. all the other things I haven’t been able to do during this pandemic… but I have also learned to appreciate my time a bit more… you never know how much you have… and I just kind of like who I am… I truly have had the time to get to know myself… inside and out… during this pandemic… and well… I am pretty amazing… grey hair and all…. these are things you discover about yourself when you aren’t constantly comparing yourself to others…. because you haven’t seen others …. at all… and maybe that is the root of my issue. Maybe I am afraid to lose what I have found… have it taken from me as quickly as all the other things I hold so dear in my life were during this pandemic.

So I am putting on my new sweat suit… and embracing the time I have to work from home… rather than resenting it today… because soon… the office will be open again (hopefully for real this time) and I look forward to returning and meeting people again… and I just hope whatever it is you are going through right now… you know you are loved… you matter… and we can do hard things (like go to the art store apparently) because life is not about existing… it is about truly living… something I intend to continue to do.