On your 14th birthday…

Dear Lacey;

Right now you are in your room thinking that life is completely and totally unfair. You are not wrong… And I am not going to read you this birthday letter this year because it is so sweet and sentimental… This is the year 2020… the year we are celebrating your birthday in the only way possible right now… and it wont be enough… and we will wear masks… this is a harsh truth… so because I have no idea what tomorrow will bring… I would like to explain myself to you this year… incase I cannot at some point wait for you to realize these things about me yourself.

The whole world is against you because there is not a single person in it that understands you… You would say that you love your friends… but the truth is that you love the thought of them than you do in real life. In real life… you can only handle spending so much time with them before they start to annoy you because, as I mentioned before… no one really understands who you are. This is absolutely perfect… and age appropriate… you are doing great!

Your room is trashed… The clothes that you beg for me to buy you are crumpled in a heap in the corner. When asked to clean – when asked to do anything, really – you roll your eyes (not to my face, because you are smart enough at this point to know that will set me off) because you have a thousand more important things to do like watch Disney + or check your phone. This is absolutely perfect… and age appropriate… you are doing great!

You are both obsessed with and terrified by boys. This is absolutely perfect… and age appropriate… you are doing great!

Some days you think you are pretty. Some days you are certain you are the ugliest person on earth. You are sure you are being left out… of something. Some party… some conversation… some sleepover is happening and you were deliberately excluded because no one cares how you feel. You have every right in the world to be moody because life is hard. School is pointless. There isn’t a person alive who hasn’t been able to get into the college they wanted to because they got crappy grades in Grade 8. Mostly though… life is just hard and complicated and difficult and confusing. Despite this… you are never given the credit you deserve for always knowing what’s what. You know what is best for you and there is nothing more irritating than someone else (like me) presuming that they know. This is absolutely perfect… and age appropriate… you are doing great!

I realize that when I broach these topics with you, you will not hear me. Despite all appearances… you are not a small adult. You cannot reason like an adult and so it is impossible for you to understand that I am trying to help you and guide you and not… ruin your life. This privilege I exert does not come from biology (obviously we are not biologically related) it comes from the fact that I have been exactly where you are and I have been navigating this life for a lot longer than you. It is true that everyone has a story… and everyone’s story is unique, but loss, pain, anger, confusion and sadness are universal. These feelings don’t separate you from the world… but rather they bind you closer to it. Someone out there is feeling the exact same way you do right now… including me, my angel girl, and I am only a few feet away. There will never be and can never be another you… but you are part of a magnificent community of humans. Humanity at times can be brutal and petty and mean-spirited… but that’s never an excuse for you to be that way. You are so much more and so much better than a bad day.

I am not your friend. I don’t care what you think about me. I am not aiming for popularity in our house. Most importantly… we are not equals. Think about it: how can we be equals if you depend on us for everything? If you’re going to take the iPhone… then you have to take the rules. Some people call it parenting. Mercenary me… I call it leverage. When you don’t need me for things… only advice and council… then we can explore a friendship.

When I ask you to do something right now… I am trying to teach you something about success. Procrastination is a dream killer. No one ever became a grand success by doing it later. You’re right… your room is yours. I am less concerned with the state of it than I am of your mind. Ever see a happy person on Hoarders? It sounds ridiculous to you… but a clean space makes it easier to be creative and productive.

I am not interested in you getting straight As (though, of course, your dad is), I am interested in you doing your absolute best. Sometimes you do your best and you fail,,, and you need to learn to be okay with that, too. You must learn to be good AT school, so it will be easier for you to be good AT college and AT work. Yes, of course… it’s pandering to a system… but everyone, regardless of status has to work within a system, unless you’re becoming a hermit which let’s face it… is never going to happen. When you become overly concerned with pleasing your friends and making them happy it takes away from your focus… your job… which right now is school. The balance you learn to strike right now will carry you through your entire life where can be vital. But… you cannot rely on a great friendship to buy you a house.

I don’t tell you often enough how beautiful you are. Even though you are stunning… I do guess I do this on purpose. Being beautiful should never be the most interesting thing about you. A girl who relies on her looks is setting herself up for disappointment. We live in a world where beauty can and will open many doors… but how you choose to open them and what you do inside becomes about character. Character, moral aptitude, empathy, grace- these are the traits that will carry on your beauty far after your looks are gone. You aren’t anywhere near understanding this right now… even though I am trying to lead this charge by example. When you look at me all you see is old… and lupus.

Unbelievably though… I was young (and not so long ago, I might add) once… and nothing you can say will shock me. I promise you this though: as long as you tell me the truth… you will never get into trouble… though I can’t promise I won’t be disappointed.

Until you have children or in our case… stepchildren of your own… you won’t realize the depth in which I love you. I would do anything for you and it is the great irony of life that the person I love so much… I am your greatest cheerleader and your biggest fan. Sometimes you scream “Why does she hate me!” when I cant help but over hear you fighting with your daddy. You don’t understand that if I indeed hated you… or felt a far more heinous thing… indifference… I simply wouldn’t bother. I would let you get on with it and shrug my shoulders and not say a word. When I stand my ground and open myself up to your vitriol and disregard and general railroading, that, angel girl… is love.

The most important thing for you to understand is though you may be convinced otherwise… whatever happens in this crazy…upside down life, you will never, ever be alone. I will be there… a few feet away… having a hobby you hate… or a TV series you would rather die than watch… cooking food you despise… Not looking up as you strike a pose… or stand in the doorway petulantly after spending 3 hours on your hair just hoping for a compliment… that isn’t coming… know I see you… know I know all of the things I have just written about you… and know that I am waiting for you to realize you do not need the outside validation… the attention you are seeking can only come from within… Happy Birthday My BEAUTIFUL AMAZING INCREDIBLE step daughter… you truly are a light in my life. I love you so much.

Your ever loving… Kerry