I think this is like my millionth post (not literally… but it feels that way) about life in this pandemic… Lets start with some pictures…
6 ft and masks dance recital with her sister đThe Birthday Masks were a hit… my god… they are so beautiful.
July 29th Total (new cases in last 24 hours) Globally 16,558,289 cases (215,127) 656,093 deaths (5,274)
Here locally… the battle wages on about what to do about schools… nationally the battle is what to do about our President… unmarked cars are rolling up to protests with federal agents just snatching people off the street…. sigh… I have been obsessed with Dystopian stories my entire life… so I am well prepared for this new normal… I think I am finally prepared for the grey hair too…. Check this out
Maybe I’ll color it grey and just speed it up LOL – As you can see – I’m Selfcaring BAHAHAHA
Friends keep asking me what I think… what to do… what I keep telling them is wait two weeks… it will be an entirely different reality again… its been like this since March… The entire world is changing and we have to keep adjusting and not planning on anything… because it is all unknown… if that ever doesn’t happen with in two weeks… we will know things are possibly settling down… wanna know a secret?
That’s all
Yep! Fairy City is alive and well… infact it is very much doubling its efforts to keep spirits high… and chins up… and injustices spoken against.
Keep Causing “Good Trouble” until we can meet again.
Post Secret⌠and my fictitious bucket list (if I had one… this would have been on it.)
So Yesterday…. okay… settle in … this is long …There is this mental health art project called Post Secret…. anyways… When working on a Crisis line a man named Frank Warren got this idea to have people mail him their secrets, anonymously…. 2 rules to it, No Glitter, No Blood… and it went viral…people sent in the most beautiful postcards… painted… drawn… and he would post them on the blog and it was amazingly powerful… some of the secrets are awful, some are beautiful, some are funny some are sad… but regardless what they were … someone out there related to them… So he became famous… and tours college campuses lecturing on mental health… and suicide prevention etc… so obviously I’m a fan… from day one…. He came to the U of U once- I bought tickets the day they went on sale…but I was going through my divorce… and I chickened out going alone….So I gave them to a coworker, who had never heard of it, and she returned to work the next day with flowers for me and told me I had changed her life….fast forward (i have mailed several of my own in) to last night, he is doing it online, because of the pandemic… live on zoom…so I registered and watched him last night, Bucket list moment for me (I do not make bucket lists… its a phrase)
There were two AH HA moments
One- he showed his curio cabinet…. in it was my secret… you’ll know its mine… because it is a painted canvas… that I wrote my secret on the back… he has it turned to the secret is showing.. not the painting…For whatever reason out of the 17 million secrets sent in from all over the world… this felt very validating
Second- He showed a postcard secret that was “The longer I stay married, the less opinions I have”…. and dude… that hit me like a ton of bricks…I knew when I married Mr. Amazing that it would be hard… he is SO protective… and thinks what he knows is right and the best… about everything… because he does so much research into it to have the very best… I think this comes from growing up in poverty. But I knew I was strong enough to keep myself … in this pandemic it is harder and harder… and the more lupus progresses… it is harder and harder… but I am still strong enough to have my own opinions…. and I am still ridiculously convinced that he is the greatest man on the planet… and I love him so much.
Wanna know my secret on that canvas is?
It says “I would be atheist, if it weren’t for the fact that I believe in Angels and have witnessed miracles… I have seen angels around me… they have stopped me from hurting myself… YOU have to let go and let God (or whatever you call your higher power)… And how is it… that the Agnostic… is the one that reminds everyone of that?”
I dont often tell people that secret but it is true
Its why I volunteered for anything and everything… because I knew it was okay
Its why I do everything I do… because I was fortunate enough to see them… I knew I had to help remind others they arent alone
I was lucky and I am not dumb enough to look a gift horse in the mouth
I can show you my scars… I can tell you my story…
we are meant for so much more than this
I get mad – just so you know
because I try to make you see yourselves as individuals… and you are abusing yourselves it is cruel, inhumane really, and once I point out that you are worthy good humans… and you are being cruel worthy good humans… Maybe it will help.
Everyone hates themselves sometimes…everyone gets frustrated with their inabilities…Its been almost thirty years, and Im grateful… I am so grateful… I lived… I am so grateful I got help…I am so grateful that It was so long ago… and it is so easy to talk about now…I was just a kid
Okay- but do me a favor… When you are thinking of all the cleaning… when you are “shoulding” on yourself … make a schedule… bed sheets once a week… floors once a week … everything has a place… pants can be worn twice… everything else once…shower daily
even doing those things will help you have a sense of pride… it will help the self esteem… having a plan, and a routine, and a schedule helps SO MUCH. Living in cleaner conditions also helps… you’re doing all the right things….
8 hours sleep (at night) … three meals a day…those things help so much
Self-care is not Selfish or Superficial
if you can, add one random act of kindness to the list, and one self care…. these can be things you are doing already… but calling them that makes you more self aware…calling your shower the nice thing you did for yourself, is better than just showering… taking out the garbage and picking up one item on the way from the ground can be the random act…people do it anyways, they just arent mindful about it…
Perfect- and if you do all those things… you will do so much better… you still may need therapy… but it gets so much better…life gets so much better
and you will know you did all you could to help others… that’s important too.
I Hope this message found you, when you needed it. You are not alone. You are so very much enough… you are loved.
I should have been tagging these posts… This life… this pandemic… this quarantine… this Covid-19… as images of the Spanish flu are resurfacing… I cannot help but think one day… someone will show mine… That is why I take so many pictures of the changes in my life.
July is a serious Month in my little patchwork family… SO MANY things happen… Two Holidays… Four Birthdays… (previous posts) I have been writing letters for years to my children on their birthdays… Let me show you what seeing my Tribe looks like now…
I decorate main street
I work/Practice my fight moves with my grandsons
This is how we 4th of Julyed
This was our big summer outside time
The grandkids are becoming Video Chat pros
This is how you show the baby a kitty!!!
They adore each other!
LOL
This is how you airhug your grandpa on your birthday
This is how you see your mom and sister on your birthday and open presents
Pandemic Life
This is what my Grandbabies wanted for their respective Birthdays at the end of this month… not only did I volunteer to make them… I cried a little that they are so excited for Birthday Masks
So cute… and ominous
My Soul brother Facetimed me so my Soul mother and I could see each other… I havent hugged her in almost six months
I love them so much
THIS is how my son announced he had proposed to his beautiful now fiance… you guys… my heart cant take anymore. They let me take pictures through the screen of my window…
I am so happy for them đ Love is still the greatest force on this planet.
AND my street art project achieved virtual stardom this week with the HIGHEST possible honor… and I still cannot contain my joy about this…
Wizards Unite (Niantic Games)
Wizards Inn
PokemonGO (Niantic Games)
Pokestop!!!
All I have said to anyone for the last 24 hours is BUT I AM A POKESTOP!
Globally, as of 17 July 2020, Total (new cases in last 24 hours) 13,616,593 cases (237,743) 585,727 deaths (5,682)
This is how you celebrate your new engaged only Sons (only biological child) 21st birthday đ
Cheers!
Lets pretend he has never done this before
Happy Birthday Son
Virtually
Wait for it…
Cheers!!
I love these faces
The Whole Tribe Came!!
What comes next… who knows… the entire world is changing week by week… I guess we are surviving… I don’t know about Thriving…. but we sure do love.
How do I start a letter that is 21 years in the making? How do I explain to you how very fortunate I am to call you my son and even more so on your 21st birthday? I have loved you since I first laid eyes on you… forever crying (yes, that is actually all you did for the first 5 months of your life). Never sleeping (how things have changed) and always ready to see what the day will bring… So here we are on your 21st birthday. In a world I could never have prepared you for… living a part… trying to figure out a way to celebrate you… your youness… your fire/spark/light…. without actually being able to touch you… I stole a masked hug last week… we both choked up… I would GIVE ANYTHING to be holding you in my arms now.
Nothing much has changed since the first day I brought you home from the hospital (well… maybe the crying has ceased). You have always been my bundle of energy… always asking a million questions, always wanting to sword fight and although you may no longer sleep with your King Arthur sword… I believe you still own it. Even now, I am sure if I emptied a roll of wrapping paper in front of you… Id get whacked with it as you screamed ‘touche” or “engarde!”
You really were a fantastic baby… crawling at almost five months and then walking at 11 months. Projectile vomiting at a measured 5 feet… which of course was my party trick. Your love of superman moved to power rangers to Harry Potter and then Star Wars. I think some things actually never change.
You have always been a quiet achiever… never wanting to bring attention to your self. Which you had no chance with a mother like me (sorry, son). Your humbleness is something I admire about you. Your great empathy in all that you do and your loyalty to those who you value the most.
I think for the most part it is who you are and the beliefs that you now have. You have never been one to worry what others may think if your views do not match theirs. Instead stood up for what and who you believe in, (even when they donât necessarily match mine). Although we often butt heads (This last year? more often than not),
So, although I am not handing you anything on your 21st birthday which is significant to this part of your life… I am giving you a pat on the back for turning out to be a young man I am super proud to call my son. A young man with a big heart… a smart brilliant mind… a loyal personality… a wicked sense of humor… and a spirit like no other I have ever seen.
Thank you for at times when our roles get reversed. When you give me sound advice… thank you for taking care of your siblings… thank you for loving your nephews and niece so fiercely … and thank you for being you.
Now… Itâs nice to tell the stories of your many talents and achievements… of your good looks and charm, of your loving spirit and the joy you brought into every room. But just as important… if not more… is the story of how hard you have tried… getting in the face of racism and violence and a world that didnât provide equality for all to help anyone and everyone around you… Please accept my heartfelt congratulation on this day in your life, For all that you have achieved. Your BFG… sisters… our community and I… are very proud of you. Your exemplary qualities are beyond reproach; because you are loving… kind… understanding… respectful… considerate… friendly… ridiculously handsome… and most of all… you listen when spoken to. You are one who is bound for greatness. Never let anyone take you off your track. I am your mother… your biggest fan…. and I am still going to say this. Especially now that you are 21… Never let alcohol or any other substance legalized or prescribed take you off your track. Remember â you will be destined for better things in life. But I would love to celebrate your life and raise a glass to you… balance in all things… like the Avatar.
Bug, I have said lots of things in this letter to you. I donât expect you to remember all that I have written on this blog. But this much… I would like for you to carry with you always: A fool always loses his temper; a wise man holds it back, takes that energy and turns it into motivation to change things… That is my hope for you… and I know that… with that super power of yours and with Kindness… Hope and so MUCH LOVE, you will live a meaningful and rewarding life. I am SO So so proud of you… proud of all you have done… proud of all you have not done… you are the greatest joy in my life. Happy Birthday Johnathon.
Right now you are in your room thinking that life is completely and totally unfair. You are not wrong… And I am not going to read you this birthday letter this year because it is so sweet and sentimental… This is the year 2020… the year we are celebrating your birthday in the only way possible right now… and it wont be enough… and we will wear masks… this is a harsh truth… so because I have no idea what tomorrow will bring… I would like to explain myself to you this year… incase I cannot at some point wait for you to realize these things about me yourself.
The whole world is against you because there is not a single person in it that understands you… You would say that you love your friends… but the truth is that you love the thought of them than you do in real life. In real life… you can only handle spending so much time with them before they start to annoy you because, as I mentioned before… no one really understands who you are. This is absolutely perfect… and age appropriate… you are doing great!
Your room is trashed… The clothes that you beg for me to buy you are crumpled in a heap in the corner. When asked to clean â when asked to do anything, really â you roll your eyes (not to my face, because you are smart enough at this point to know that will set me off) because you have a thousand more important things to do like watch Disney + or check your phone. This is absolutely perfect… and age appropriate… you are doing great!
You are both obsessed with and terrified by boys. This is absolutely perfect… and age appropriate… you are doing great!
Some days you think you are pretty. Some days you are certain you are the ugliest person on earth. You are sure you are being left out… of something. Some party… some conversation… some sleepover is happening and you were deliberately excluded because no one cares how you feel. You have every right in the world to be moody because life is hard. School is pointless. There isnât a person alive who hasnât been able to get into the college they wanted to because they got crappy grades in Grade 8. Mostly though… life is just hard and complicated and difficult and confusing. Despite this… you are never given the credit you deserve for always knowing whatâs what. You know what is best for you and there is nothing more irritating than someone else (like me) presuming that they know. This is absolutely perfect… and age appropriate… you are doing great!
I realize that when I broach these topics with you, you will not hear me. Despite all appearances… you are not a small adult. You cannot reason like an adult and so it is impossible for you to understand that I am trying to help you and guide you and not… ruin your life. This privilege I exert does not come from biology (obviously we are not biologically related) it comes from the fact that I have been exactly where you are and I have been navigating this life for a lot longer than you. It is true that everyone has a story… and everyoneâs story is unique, but loss, pain, anger, confusion and sadness are universal. These feelings donât separate you from the world… but rather they bind you closer to it. Someone out there is feeling the exact same way you do right now… including me, my angel girl, and I am only a few feet away. There will never be and can never be another you… but you are part of a magnificent community of humans. Humanity at times can be brutal and petty and mean-spirited… but thatâs never an excuse for you to be that way. You are so much more and so much better than a bad day.
I am not your friend. I donât care what you think about me. I am not aiming for popularity in our house. Most importantly… we are not equals. Think about it: how can we be equals if you depend on us for everything? If youâre going to take the iPhone… then you have to take the rules. Some people call it parenting. Mercenary me… I call it leverage. When you donât need me for things… only advice and council… then we can explore a friendship.
When I ask you to do something right now… I am trying to teach you something about success. Procrastination is a dream killer. No one ever became a grand success by doing it later. Youâre right… your room is yours. I am less concerned with the state of it than I am of your mind. Ever see a happy person on Hoarders? It sounds ridiculous to you… but a clean space makes it easier to be creative and productive.
I am not interested in you getting straight As (though, of course, your dad is), I am interested in you doing your absolute best. Sometimes you do your best and you fail,,, and you need to learn to be okay with that, too. You must learn to be good AT school, so it will be easier for you to be good AT college and AT work. Yes, of course… itâs pandering to a system… but everyone, regardless of status has to work within a system, unless youâre becoming a hermit which letâs face it… is never going to happen. When you become overly concerned with pleasing your friends and making them happy it takes away from your focus… your job… which right now is school. The balance you learn to strike right now will carry you through your entire life where can be vital. But… you cannot rely on a great friendship to buy you a house.
I donât tell you often enough how beautiful you are. Even though you are stunning… I do guess I do this on purpose. Being beautiful should never be the most interesting thing about you. A girl who relies on her looks is setting herself up for disappointment. We live in a world where beauty can and will open many doors… but how you choose to open them and what you do inside becomes about character. Character, moral aptitude, empathy, grace- these are the traits that will carry on your beauty far after your looks are gone. You arenât anywhere near understanding this right now… even though I am trying to lead this charge by example. When you look at me all you see is old… and lupus.
Unbelievably though… I was young (and not so long ago, I might add) once… and nothing you can say will shock me. I promise you this though: as long as you tell me the truth… you will never get into trouble… though I canât promise I wonât be disappointed.
Until you have children or in our case… stepchildren of your own… you wonât realize the depth in which I love you. I would do anything for you and it is the great irony of life that the person I love so much… I am your greatest cheerleader and your biggest fan. Sometimes you scream âWhy does she hate me!â when I cant help but over hear you fighting with your daddy. You donât understand that if I indeed hated you… or felt a far more heinous thing… indifference… I simply wouldnât bother. I would let you get on with it and shrug my shoulders and not say a word. When I stand my ground and open myself up to your vitriol and disregard and general railroading, that, angel girl… is love.
The most important thing for you to understand is though you may be convinced otherwise… whatever happens in this crazy…upside down life, you will never, ever be alone. I will be there… a few feet away… having a hobby you hate… or a TV series you would rather die than watch… cooking food you despise… Not looking up as you strike a pose… or stand in the doorway petulantly after spending 3 hours on your hair just hoping for a compliment… that isn’t coming… know I see you… know I know all of the things I have just written about you… and know that I am waiting for you to realize you do not need the outside validation… the attention you are seeking can only come from within… Happy Birthday My BEAUTIFUL AMAZING INCREDIBLE step daughter… you truly are a light in my life. I love you so much.
Your ever loving… Kerry
Covid-19 Pandemic Total for July 14, 2020 (new cases in last 24 hours) Globally 12,964,809 cases (196,775) 570,288 deaths (3,634)
