Because I need somewhere to put all these feelings… all of this despair… We are entering week three of this quarantine… and I feel very literally like I am breaking… not every day… but the past few days… maybe it is hormonal? with lil miss? or maybe I am really just falling apart… how is it that working is the only thing keeping me together… its been raining the last several mornings when I have tried to go and fairy… I’m eating too much… I’m not moving enough… I’m getting random fevers that I know are not the virus… but they make me ache… and I am so tired… I would give anything for a magic something to just put me to sleep through all of this…. I miss my kids… I cannot even tell you how much I miss my kids… I’ve never gone this long without seeing them… and I think Small Child is using this as an avenue to cut some apron strings… non existent apron strings because I am completely helpless in all of this as my kids go places… have dinner with people who are not me… My heart hurts… My head hurts… Mr. Amazing is doing everything he can to try and make things better… things are not better. I lost so many of my friends and freedom when I got sick… to have the rest stripped away by this pandemic is painful. I don’t know what I am doing with my life anymore… nothing feels right… and I cant sleep at night…

I think I need to find a way to put at least some stretches into my day… I’ve showered so much my skin is raw… I’m listening to music… I’m painting… I’m working… I’m trying… I am really trying.

I will check back in a few days… when the hormones have settled… and I am working on some hilarious shenanigans again… but today… I just needed to put the hurt somewhere besides my heart… because it is so heavy.