Once again… dear blog… you are where I process all things that I cannot contain in my brain… I’ve posted about my health (If not previously mentioned, add Staph, MRSA, Shingles, Algae, New Zealand Honey, and New pillows to the list of things going on at my house) Well… Then on top of those things… Small Child has moved out…My best friend… My survival strategy for all helpless feelings has moved out…. gotten a tattoo…. All that being said… and 3 months of a “fever of unknown origin” has led me to some measures in my life that I am quite proud to say I am taking…. First off – I am getting help. I LOVE Therapy… I always have… and at least five times in my adult life to process one traumatic event or another I have returned to therapy briefly to keep my self in check…. to check and make sure I am okay… well… this compounding year didn’t really have an event I could point to and blame and process…. in fact… it seems to be my new quality of life… and I found myself speaking words about not wanting to continue life.

Don’t Panic… I just put voice to things that we all think (if you are someone who feels and thinks too much that is) … and I took the appropriate steps… and I spoke to someone… and returned a few weeks later to check in… ready to tell her that I was okay… and I appreciated there being people to go to when I felt helpless…. when she looked me in the face and called “bullshit”

Then she posed a question to me…

Do you wish you had died last week? – I thought through the week, the unbreakable fever Saturday morning and Sunday evening, and then I thought about my time with the tinies… I reflected on it all… good and bad… and found to my relief… no I did not wish I had died last week.

But at the beginning of the week you stated you were done, not that you would ever do anything to hurt yourself, but you were okay with just being done – I reflected again… and realized I had been wrong in retrospect

Has anything truly changed in your feelings and mind set this week?  I thought that through and shook my head… no not really even though I was here to tell her I was okay and done seeing her… nothing had really changed… I had just taken the appropriate steps and safe guards… because that is what I do… I FORCE myself to do this…. I’ve been FORCING myself to do this my entire adult life.

Do you think if I asked you next week if you wished you had died… you would wish you had? So as I sit there… giving up…. being okay being done… having lived a good life…. I realized something… I most certainly would not wish I had died in a week.

So that is what we are going to focus on… and as she proceeded to explain to me that I was behaving and doing all the right things… EVERYTHING I SHOULD… my perspective was the issue… and you know what?

I felt something I had thought I had aged beyond… I felt those little blasts of neurons in my brain firing off as it adjusted to thinking in a way that it hadn’t before… you know what I mean… that feeling you get when you learn something new or try something new? it is far and few in between when you live this adventure of a life I do for as long as I have.

I’m sure if you are reading this and you know me at all… you wonder how someone who takes so much energy and time putting it into making life wonderful and being grateful for the beauty in it could still feel this way… Well its simple… I knew what I HAD to do… and I was doing it… I was FORCING myself to do what I had to do…. because as the saying goes…Fake it til you make it…. your feelings will catch up.

My Feelings Did Not.

I want you to try something new – So here we go, I am trying something new… rather than FORCING myself to do all of these things I do… and stuffed all of those rules in a mental container… and I am going to try doing things because I feel like it… rather than counting the hours I sleep to make sure I am taking care of myself and not letting myself go down the road of self destruction… and self sabotage… I am going to go to bed because I am tired. rather than forcing myself to eat exactly one serving of sweets… because I do not want to punish myself or deny myself or allow myself to eat the entire package … all these rules… Im going to eat what I feel like… as I feel like it… and rather than FORCE myself to only wash my hair as often as saving the environment or extending my color allows (come on… say it with me… we all have these rules) I am going to wash my hair because I want too… I am not going to watch the clock endlessly calculating every minute to make sure everything is taught… learned… taken care of… I am going to enforce bed time because I need her to go to sleep. 

Im going to try not caring… because I have turned caring into the most curious form of self abuse anyone has ever heard of…

That being said… If this doesn’t go well… or it seems like I do not “want” to do the things that I need to do to be a functional adult… we will try something new. She also said the first thing that escaped that mental container… was what really needed to be done… not my imaginary rules of conduct.

So at 5am this morning… I woke in a full panic… about the amount of junk in my house… and the order it is kept.

This is an ongoing battle for me that I shove way down deep because, Im lazy, Im tired, Im sick

Friday… the dumpster is coming.

because I do not care what people think, what is morally correct, whose feelings may or may not need taken care of, or whose responsibility it is.

I am dejunking because I want to.

Cue the Circus Music… Life is about to get interesting.