Today… I prolonged a rape… I wish like hell I could say I had stopped it…. I definitely stopped it in that moment… but I am not naive enough to think that it is not going to be inevitable if something does not change.
Sometimes when teasing Mr. Amazing I pop off with some very sexist degrading remarks when we are bantering back and forth over different stereotypes and he always looks at me kind of baffled…. because I am actually kind of proper… and he wonders where I would come up with such language… (This must come as a surprise… anything you have ever heard me say has been only for a reaction… I don’t really consider myself quite as sexually revolutionized as I suggest) I often laugh it off… but the other day I looked at him and he really wanted to know where I had heard the words I had spouted off at him… He wanted to know if someone had said them to me… I explained they had been said to me … many times over the years… “Wanna see my Penis?” …Sometimes they don’t ask first… and just assume you do…. and had been to most every girl I knew… and would be said to his daughter as well most likely… It was just part of being a girl in our society… right or wrong… it certainly wasn’t ideal… it was the reality.
We went to the park… out in the middle of the City… we do this often if it is not too hot to get some exercise and spend some time together as a family… (This is code for PokeMon Hunting)… We parked and walked around the several blocks long park enjoying the 80 degree weather… but severely disappointed in the lack of Pokemon… we had been there several times just like this… and spent hours there enjoying our “Family Time”… We buy a quick treat on the west side of the Duck Pond and Big Hill… and us adults cringe a little as we realize it is Sunday… Which means Drum Circle…. Which we affectionately refer to as Drug Circle… and try to not call attention to the obvious cloud of smoke and sounds coming from the hill…. and we talk over ice cream about how drugs are not okay… to three tuned out kiddos…We decide that the park day was just not what we thought it would be and we would head back home after about 40 minutes after leaving our vehicle… and rather that walk past the hill crowd we took the sidewalk back around the duck pond laughing about how before Pokemon go we would have thought just the walk and the weather and the ducks were the greatest thing ever… as we neared our car I saw her… someone younger than my adult daughter… but older than my small (17 year old) at least I think she was… She was most likely the age of my niece (who is the third kiddo with us today… 18 almost 19)…they all look so young to me now… they all are someone’s baby… she is sitting on the curb… one car from mine… with her head literally on the ground by the tires… she’s quite flexible… I am pretty sure her position is equal to putting her feet behind her head… and she is obviously under the influence of… well… god knows what…. I motion for Mr. Amazing to get in the car… because see in our society… because he has a penis… he cannot help this girl that is intoxicated… or small children if they are scared or hurt… because he just can’t right? …. he ushers the kids in and knew that I was going to make sure the girl was okay… this is not our first rodeo … infact… its pretty much a regular occurrence….We never just walk by and shake our heads at people in bad situations… not the homeless… not the mentally challenged or ill…. not anyone… and we certainly do not pull out our phones… and take pictures… or video…. People are never invisible to us…. essentially… I do not mind my own business…. ever.
“Hey… Hey… Are you okay? Can you get up?”
Half way through the sentence slurring of “some kind of friends I have… WHAT? Yeah… I’m okay”
“You dont look okay… get your head off the ground and let me look at you.”
She lifts her head and looks at me… she is completely wasted…. but her eyes are not dilated… I check her pulse… she is not pale or sweating or shaking… She is not vomiting or complaining of any pain. I have seen at least 2 police patrols in the short time I have been there… I think I see one go by again now. I don’t really have an opinion about what goes on in Drug Circle on the HIll…. Because I only make choices for myself… and obviously I am choosing not to be there. That being said I see a ziplock bag with what is obviously Marijuana on the grass next to her and a wallet (a nice one actually) on the grass behind her “Is this yours? pick it up… right now… put it in your purse… I am not dealing with this shit just to make sure you are okay…. Do you want me to call someone for you? Who are you here with? Can I help you?”
“What do you got?”
“Nothing you consider ‘good'” besides… yours is still on the grass next to you… pick that shit up now” She does so as I move around her to get the wallet which seems much safer to pick up and hand her… I ask her again if she is okay… and she assures me she is… I tell her to be careful… and stop laying on the ground… as I move to my car to go… kind of chuckling to myself that my kids have witnessed this entire thing…. as I climb into the passenger seat… I spot the man… Id seen him when I approached her as well… but just assumed he was watching her curiously… he was still there… walking back and forth on the walk behind her… “Don’t leave yet” I mutter to Mr. Amazing… who nods as I point at the man who is to well groomed and clean to be hanging out at this stupid young drug circle…. the man keeps watching her and looking up at us to see if we are going to leave… his brazenness startles me a little… and I realize he knows the chance of this girl being awake or coherent enough is slim… and no one is going to call the police… because… drugs galore.
Suddenly a young man walks across from the hill and sits beside her on the curb… I get out of the car again… the girl has once again dumped the belongings of her purse (which is also quite nice… as are her clothes… and makeup… and hair… she isn’t without a home) is leaning on his shoulder…. losing some stupid clip in extension of hair in the process… which he graciously just picks up… and I approach again “Hey.” They both look up… out of the corner of my eye I see the man still pacing… closer now… and I am angry at this point. “Do you know this guy?” to the girl… motioning to the guy she is leaning on.
half way slurring into his face “do you have my shit?” she turns and faces me “No, I’ve never seen him before” The guy slaps his forehead… I roll my eyes… the girl smiles up at me idiotically and hugs my legs whispering to the guy “She’s got my back” The guy stands immediately knowing it looks bad for him… which is stupid… this girl is being completely… well…. inebriated. I point openly at the creeper waiting patiently for the girl to be left alone again… “This Prick over here is just waiting for her to pass out again… complete freak… I need to know who she is here with” They both look at the guy… who completely ignores this exchange but does not back off at all… infact he comes closer… it dawns on me maybe he is her pimp? but my gut tells me thats not the case… she is not on the streets… not yet… and this guy with her is actually in better shape that she is… soberish… not marks or scratches… clean clothes… well groomed… just young kids being complete dumb asses and making really stupid choices. The guy nods understanding and looks at the girl “You want me to get Haus?” seriously? haus? is that even a name? why are these people here … im angrier still… the man is closer still…. Mr Amazing informs me at this point he has a hand on the door and one on his phone…. “You have to take her with you”…
Girl who is probably really quite intelligent and well spoken but currently is completely dumber than a box of rocks “I don’t know him”
“What is her name?” I had picked up her wallet… seen her credit cards… student identification and such… and he tells me the correct name.
“You go with him over to the hill… or I get you help… I wont leave you here… this complete asshole is going to hurt you” again calling the man who is very close out loudly… and again… he does not change… or back off…. I am stunned by this as I realize… this is probably a regular thing for him… infact… I don’t smell alcohol on her and what has fallen out of her purse does not explain her condition… He could have slipped her whatever was… or not… as she loses another extension… and all the contents of her purse… again… as she falls trying to walk with the guy to the hill as I am telling him loudly that if he touches her and anyone touches her I will kick his ass…. this time a small jar of small smoky looking stones…. why oh why …. all these horrible decisions are still not a reason… I force her again to pick it all up … I again offer help… I do not call the police… People will surely think that was the right move… but my gut told me otherwise… the police were here… the police had driven by her… I wanted to call an ambulance… or a mom honestly… but I only had what I had to work with… I continue my tirade against her and the guy “You both look smarter than this… what the hell… get her help… dont leave her… keep her around people… do not touch her or let anyone else… ” switching the lecture to the girl “Do no drink or ingest another thing… get your ass home… this is so stupid… you could be hurt or worse… so stupid… you are better than this.” I walk them half way to the hill…. the man is following… the girl at this point is thanking me profusely and watching him over her shoulder… so is the guy… I still dont know if I have done the right thing… I dont know what was really going on… all I know is what would have been going on at that moment had we not come back to our car Pokemonless…. I glare at the man… Mr Amazing wants to call the police… I shake my head… for what… the man hasnt done anything wrong… yet… we watch as the two young people make it back to the Hill and the people and the drums… at least she is not alone… I dont know if she is any safer. I did the best I could do … I would be able to sleep at night with my decision….
I look back over my shoulder into the back seat at the two teens and Smallest girl sitting between them… “Thats why we dont do drugs”
We all kind of recap what has happened… and I realize… what will make me lose sleep…
The message to my son was clear…. Don’t do drugs… Don’t touch anyone who isn’t able to give consent… ever. This is not new … and honestly… he doesnt understand why someone would find that helpless girl kissing the concrete something to “rise to the occasion” about…. He does not get it. At All. I LOVE that about him. A Penis does not make one a Monster… It does not make you do anything or behave in any way at all… it is an appendage of your body. Not the ruler of your intelligent decision making ability. The conflicting message for him was…. simply because he had a penis… he would be treated that way… and that was something he was going to have to deal with… he couldnt help… he would be accused of thinking and wanting to do things that are below him. Not Ideal… but very Real
The messages to my girls were a little more disturbing…. If this girl had not done drugs… in this case… she would not be in the situation that was about to take place… that did not make the situation okay… that did not make it her fault… but I had to say the words… “Do not let yourself be in this situation… because this will happen”… and my feminist screamed at me…. but it was real. “She did not give that man permission to touch her… so if he did… and hurt her… it was not her fault… but if she could walk… or think clearly… he may not have approached her”… and part of me died a little… the part of me that had finally put some blame for things in my life on the appropriate people… because… I was where I shouldn’t have been… I looked again at my son and immediately put it right back where it belonged… for both me and the girl… you see… this wasn’t about a penis… and a girl is not just a hole for one… “The problem was the man… his brain wasnt wired right or something… he was scary and not okay”
Small girl will go through maturation this year… she is in fifth grade… unfortunately because of this… we will have to tell her what rape is…. as we explain the beauty of sex… our bodies… the amazing way they are wired to release stress… give affection… love… because she wants to know what that man wanted … why was he following that girl.
There is nothing wrong with your body… but keep it covered…
Its never your fault… but don’t be in places where that can happen
Men are strong and wonderful… unless you don’t know them… dont talk to them… get help if one smiles at you… No you don’t have to be grateful they said you’re pretty… no you don’t have to smile because they said to…. No… its not okay for them to show you their penis…
You can always call the police…. sigh… I don’t know how to explain this one even to you as I type it.
This was my experience today… I know women can be creepers… and men are assaulted as well… I am not making blanket statements…
I do not know the answer to my predicament… I don’t know what the right advice is to give to my girls… or my men.
I have to accept ideology vs reality. I can believe one thing…. but have to act against my core belief in order to keep people safe. I hate that.
How do you all deal with it? Really… what do you tell your children… your peers… Discuss… because I am at a complete loss… and how do we fix it.
