Sometimes my life feels like a broken record… It is the same thing over and over again… Stress at work, Deadlines to Convention, lessons with kids, grocery shopping, “Do you have homework?”, “Stop Whining” “Did you practice?” “Are you lying” What do you want for dinner? What do you want for dinner? What do you want for dinner?””Your dog wants outside” “When was the last time you pooped?” … a lot of the time I find comfort in the security of it… other times I appreciate the consistency of people in my life… Once in a while I grow bored and restless… Sometimes I don’t want to go home at all… I just want to get in my car and drive… and find somewhere safe to get into a drunken stupor… alone… Today is one of those days… Nothing is wrong… I am not angry or irritated with anyone… no one has done anything wrong… I just feel trapped. Trapped by the expected… sigh… I haven’t been blogging really regularly… and it has been ages since I really blogged about myself or anything going on with me other than the brief medical lesson we all got on CMV… I didn’t even go back to the doctor to finish out the progression of the virus… I just assume I got better… by assume I mean I quit caring…I don’t even know why I keep this blog… I don’t know today as I type this why I blog at all… I suppose out of everything I do… I am glad I do this… for whatever reason it makes me happy most of the time…. not today though… I am lacking some sleep… I am lacking a clean home… and any free time at all that I find I usually find myself seated on the couch… surrounded by whomever is home… watching kids shows… or sci-fi… I haven’t painted in months… I did take an amazing vacation with my beautiful family just two weeks ago… maybe that is what this is… Lack of Beach Depression… I am pretty sure that is a thing.
I am turning 41 in 2 weeks…My small is a sophomore… There is enough dog hair on the floor of my house to create a large chinchilla… My bathrooms are disgusting… I constantly worry I am causing my marriage to fall apart by nagging and criticizing endlessly… I am feeling very detached… I am pretty sure my small thinks I am an asshole most days… The next person that asks for something from me… whether it be a braid put in their hair… or where their “whatever is missing at that moment” is I am going to scratch my eyes out… These are the things that go through my mind… my mind that never ever ever shuts the hell up… I try to tell myself its not real… that I am grateful and so truly blessed… because I am…I have my job… I have my health… we all have our health… we have a roof over our heads… a good one… and food in our cupboards… plenty of it… I have good friends… the most amazing ones in the world… I have Mr. Amazing… who is never anything short of Amazing… I have gorgeous long flowing locks of hair? I am reaching here I know… I have that hairy shedding dog… for another year if I am lucky… he is getting so old… and I still just wanna kick everyone in the shins…
That is all
