Articles for the Month of April 2012

Apr 17 2012

… Its Kinda like a Holiday… Its Bloggess Day!

Author: Kerry

I woke up this morning… Open my Kindle… and watched in awe as the book downloaded to my device…. Squeeeeeee!!! So to my own blog… whose holiday it is not… I apologize for the neglect as I read this… But… to make it up to you… I will give an EBook copy of this magic as a Bloggess day gift for your very own…. Comment… Baffle me with Bullshit… I will pick a random commenter and squeee in unison with them… YAY US!

 

The whole thing is I just like her that much… I dont care about visitors to my site… no offense… but Im not selling shit… Im just having fun 🙂

Apr 16 2012

Stop The Traffick

Author: Kerry

A dutch ad agency put this together for Stopthetraffic.com … Its message was loud and clear… As it should have been!

 

Thousands of women every year follow the dream of a dance career to red-light districts. They are tricked, bought, and sold, and it needs to stop.

Apr 16 2012

… Saved your LIFE!!!

Author: Kerry

No Really… I’m not opposed to you living out your days trying to repay the debt… in fact… I encourage it…

Clicking on that little Icon will take you to the website that will save your life when the Zombies come… Typing in your zip code will tell you where to go for your best chance of survival… Such as Liquor stores (HA!) … Gun Stores… Grocery Stores… It will also tell you where the most Zombies will probably be… based on Population.. and wide open areas…

 

You’re Welcome!

Apr 16 2012

Adult Night Terrors Revisted

Author: Kerry

Night terror

Definition – Night terrors are a sleep disorder in which a person quickly awakens from sleep in a terrified state.
Causes, incidence, and risk factors  – Night terrors (sleep terrors) occur during deep sleep, usually during the first third of thenight. The cause is unknown but night terrors may be triggered by fever, lack of sleep, or periods of emotional tension, stress, or conflict. – In contrast, nightmares are more common in the early morning. They may occur after someone watches frightening movies/TV shows or has an emotional experience. A person may remember the details of a dream upon awakening, and will not be disoriented after the episode. – Night terrors are most common in boys ages 5 – 7, although they also can occur in girls. They are fairly common in children ages 3 – 7, and much less common after that. Night terrors may run in families. They can occur in adults, especially with emotional tension.

http://www.healthcentral.com/sleep-disorders/sleep-problems-2354-108.html

They come in waves… As stated above they are common when there is a lot of emotional tension… I have them almost nightly lately it seems… I bolt upright confused, and then immediately embarrassed…. I scream out sometimes…. I have been known to run out of bed… or run out into the living room before realizing I am awake…I am always confused by how I got from where I was when my eyes were closed to where I am upon opening them… I hate feeling weak, they leave me gripped in such terror that it can take a long time to unwind my muscles again, pull my shoulders down from my ears, work out the “Charlie Horses” in my calves… Uncurl my toes, Unfold my arms from around my stomach…. Breathe deeply instead of quick and Shallow….  There are times I go months without them, there are times I have actually normal nightmares where I am being chased, or drowned by a tidal wave…. But mostly, Mostly it is these terrors, repeats of things I have experienced in real life, in short flash like images, .. Being held down… Being hit… the car rolling… Lifeless baby… a fist at my face… a fist at someone elses face… Faces distorted by a noose, in a casket… Blood, Emergency rooms… Life light helicopters… Trying to break car windows… Screaming her name hoping to wake her up… Different Homes… Different beds… all the places I have slept… Him jumping through the glass on the ninth floor of Artec… My grandpa passing away… Other peoples nightmares that they have shared with me… Over and Over again…. Sometimes I reach out… Sometimes I try to run away… Sometimes I cry because its just sad… Sometimes I am so afraid I don’t sleep again… Sometimes I don’t fully wake up at all and hear about it the next morning… Sometimes I wish they would stop… But mostly, They just are…

Apr 15 2012

If my Body was the Hunger Games… The odds are not in my Knees favor

Author: Kerry

So if you haven’t read the other posts on this blog… You’re probably going to have to read this to have this make some sense… For those of you in a hurry… or lacking the ambition to research my bizarre history.. Lets just sum it up… I get injured a lot… More than most… and well… I hate doctors… and usually do the exact opposite of what they tell me to do… So picture if you will…. Wednesday before Easter I give into unbelievable nagging pain in my left knee … This isn’t really new… my knees have struggled since rolling my car down an embankment… even before that really, when that same knee was hit by the car trying to hit me and take my purse… or even the multiple times that I have woken up on the floor after having a night terror and running out of bed, usually the impact is what wakes me up… oh… and I’m fat… So if my body were the hunger games… the odds are not in my knees favor…. Well, It was time to have it checked as walking was becoming impossible… so much for pretending it wasnt happening… So I went… He wiggled both my knees… told me I was probably getting arthritis from the accident… but that the left one was very loose and he believed there was a tear, he wrote me a prescription for pain pills, which I made him exchange for something non narcotic… because… I hate feeling drugged and an anti inflammatory that was safe for my ulcer and referred me to an orthopedic office… which I through the contact info on the floor of my car… and refused the offered brace… and drove away figuring it would take care of itself and I would take the medicine to get through the day and go on my stubborn ass way… because that’s what I do…. Fast forward through the next week… starting with by the end of the night I cannot walk any more, and am so miserable I am in tears and icing it with frozen brown rice… I love brown rice…. soon that time creeps up to after work… then lunch time… then Friday morning… I am walking up the stairs to work.. after being off the knee for a full 10 hours… and It is so painful to climb those stairs that I call the orthopedic and make an appointment for first thing monday morning… stubbornness is replaced by fear… My knee is so stiff and swollen that it is impossible to sleep without pain pills… I’m trying to keep myself down but the dull ache is like the root of a tooth dying in your mouth… throbbing… and painful… Ice helps for a bit… the pain pill helps for a bit… it just adds to my natural .. or unnatural according to some need to be on the move… and pick up… and clean counters… and vacuum or go for a drive.. or visit friends… But I am trying… Mr. Amazing is being more than amazing, he has probably worked 80 hours this last week, and has the smallest child giving him a run for his money, yet he is taking care of me, demanding me to stay off it, helping with dinner, doing all the laundry… He earned his nickname for a reason… So this laptop is propped up on my good knee… good for how long who knows… and the bad one is laid out in front of me… the throb agitating me to the point of a thin sheen of sweat over my forehead… and I turn to the one thing that always makes me feel better… writing.. even if it’s not something that will particularly entertain you as you read it…

Apr 14 2012

The 4 best ways to end a Conversation…. Ever… Really…

Author: Kerry

So it took me years to perfect this technique… but I have been keeping track of which ones get the biggest reaction… hence the quickest retreat… The 4 below are the winners! … I have included useful ways to work these into the conversation if you ever find yourself needing to end it…

#1 “I’m an elf.”


(No explanation necessary.)

 

 

 

#2 “you wanna touch it?”
I know from experience that this is one of the most awkward questions in the English language. I have a certain blonde headed friend who uses this phrase as his calling card of awkward situations. In order to really achieve the beauty of this question, one must say it just loud enough to be heard. The goal is not to be clearly understood, but rather just barely understood. The victim should walk away disappointed, confused, and emotionally violated.

#3 “You’re the one!”
Once again, I have experience with this one. This exclamation should be utilized in the most hopeful voice that you can muster. You have to sound like you really believe the person is the one for you, otherwise this is just stupid. Other special effects for this one are puppy dog eyes and an awkward half-smile. This might just be the most potent of the 4. Also, if you happen to attend a Christian university, this phrase works like magic. Ask me how I know

#4 “Tell your mom I said hi!”
Talking about people’s moms is weird enough, but for a total stranger to ask for you to tell your mom that they said hi? That is ridiculous. I think this one is funny because think of the hours of sleep your victim would lose at night because of the constant wondering about how you knew your mom, if you knew your mom, and why you did know your mom if you weren’t lying.

You’re welcome…

Apr 13 2012

Paraskevidekatriaphobia— the fear of Friday the 13th

Author: Kerry

2012  a bad year for people who suffer from paraskevidekatriaphobia — the fear of Friday the 13th…. Maybe those damn mayans had it!

Why? …  There are three this year… instead of the usual two…. There was one in 2011.

That’s not all. For the first time since 1984, those three Friday the 13ths — Jan. 13, April 13 and July 13 — are exactly 13 weeks apart.

But! before we all grab our chain saws and make for the local summer camps… Is there any truth to the unlucky legends of Friday the 13th?

Sometimes, everything you know is wrong… No, you’re not stupid… you are the victim of urban legends – modern folklore tales that have the ring of truth but are almost always false.

Legends often have elements of horror or humor, they are fun to talk about and spread…. There is also a certain paranoid strain within any population that is willing to believe those stories that feed their paranoia (I personally, prefer to be around these people, as they are easy targets and make me feel smart!)

Some urban legends are repeated again and again on television shows, such as the Kidney Heist legend: being knocked out and waking up with a kidney missing….  Law and Order had a field day with that one….

Thank god for Myth Busters… right?

The Smalls can be excused for being naturally gullible, but adults who “should know better” are the real culprits of these myths… President Franklin D. Roosevelt would not depart on a (train) trip on the 13th

… FYI! For many pagans, 13 is a lucky number, because it corresponds with the number of full moons each year

And does anyone know – is Dr. Pepper really prune soda?

 

Apr 12 2012

Chicken Cherry Cola … and 7 other misheard Lyrics

Author: Kerry

I wanted to write a funny post about how I got some song lyrics wrong…and I started to draft it out and realized it was a little bit more of a tangled web I needed to weave if I expected anyone to follow it…  So I am going to Type it… and you are going to either close the site at this point… or love it…

All of my friends have a nickname… and my smalls… and my Mr. Amazing… you get the idea … This story is about Bacteria… who let’s be honest… may be solely responsible for my nickname fetish… Bacteria is Bacteria because her last name at the time was Renteria… and well… Bacteria is funnier… She calls me Buzzer

We met working in a local convenient store many many moons ago … when I was taking night classes and they offered tuition reimbursement… So we opened the store at 5 am to receive deliveries… One day there was an alarm going off inside the store… Looking at the safe alarm… it wasnt it… looking at the emergency shut offs for the gas pumps… it wasnt it… I couldn’t find it anywhere… The coke delivery guy showed up just as I was about to call for help (no really, I was dialing the fire dept)… and simply walked behind the counter and hit snooze on the alarm clock (thanks a heap evening shift guy) … Hence the name buzzer… and a life long friendship

 At said store we were stocking shelves to a well choreographed routing of  I Want you -Savage Garden when I sang 

 “anytime I need to see your face I just close my eyes… mumble mumble … CHICKEN CHERRY COLA”

… and well… you can imagine the reaction… we googled the lyrics … (see above link if curious about the correct ones)  BUT This year… 15 years later… 15!! I was vindicated with this post on my Facebook wall…

 (thanks bacteria) and I realized I am not alone!!! What other ones do you get wrong?

Here are my Top 7

1-       Elton John — ‘Tiny Dancer’

Me: “Hold me closer, Tony Danza.”
Real: “Hold me closer, tiny dancer.”

2-      Pearl Jam — ‘Glorified’

Me: “Horrified virgin on a pelican”
Real: “Glorified version of a pellet gun”

3-      Manfred Mann’s Earth Band –‘Blinded by the Light’

Me: “Wrapped up like a douche”
Real: “Revved up like a deuce”

4-      Van Halen — ‘Panama’

Me: “You reach down between my legs… squeeze the seed bag.”
Real: “You reach down between my legs… ease the seat back.”

5-      Adele — ‘Chasing Pavements’

Me: “Should I just keep chasing penguins?”
Real: “Should I just keep chasing pavements?”

6-      Creedence Clearwater Revival — ‘Bad Moon Rising’

Me: “There’s a bathroom on the right.”
Real: “There’s a bad moon on the rise.”

7-      Eagles — ‘Desperado’

Me: “You’ve been outright offensive for so long now.”
Real: “You’ve been out riding fences for so long now.”

Mr. Amazing donated unknowingly the Pledge of Allegiance as he recited it in his younger years to honor this post 🙂

“I plague a league dance to the flag, of the young knighted states of America, Aunt two republics with wicker stands, one nation, under God, Invisible, witch liver tea and just this for all”

Apr 10 2012

… You do the math

Author: Kerry

G-Chat

Mr. Amazing: 84.5% of the time, it’s wrong every time
: 25% of people polled think I am crazy
  15% want to vote for Santorum

 me: ROTFLMAO!

Mr. Amazing: you do the math
  No more male ovarian jokes?
 

me: You think?

Mr. Amazing: You do the math
  You think I’m crazy?
  You do the math
  You like juice smoothies?

 me: ROTFLMAO!  You do the math

Mr. Amazing: I love it when people put that out of context
  You do the math

 me: Quit saying it! LMAO
  I smell like peanut butter… thought you should know

Mr. Amazing: Let’s see 9% of people think that they don’t want to do the math, more people than that don’t like math, 23% of all people polled were polled as saying 45% of the time they were polled inappropriately and 9% of those were polled and asked if they liked bubble gum, nearly 90% of those people polled at 45% favorable for a Republican president… therefore… people who like bubble gum were polled inappropriately and want a Republican president…
  you do the math

 me: I like bubble gum…
  Your calculations are incorrect

Mr. Amazing: I am sorry, there is a 45% chance that you don’t even believe what you are saying
  according to numbers and polling by “Americans who want to save Americans”

 me: Its true.. Im not really convinced I like bubblegum..

Mr. Amazing: (but not South Americans, or Canadians)
  (or Mexico)
  (or Hondurus)
  (or Costa Rica)

 me: You are crazy… back to my peanut butter problem……..
 

Mr. Amazing: (or Nicarauga)
  Dogs like peanut butter
You do the math

 me: Did you just call me a Dog?

Mr.Amazing: http://dsc.discovery.com/cars-bikes/fully-operational-tron-light-cycle-now-street-legal-and-for-sale.html

 me: YOU NEED THAT!
 Okay… I need that… (im a better driver)

Mr.Amazing: http://dsc.discovery.com/cars-bikes/man-builds-street-legal-batmobile-using-turbine-engine.html

 me: No, Tron Bike is cooler.
  Does it leave a light trail???
   because the grid is real

Mr.Amazing: I got in man…

me: I should start calling you number 1
  like… “number 1, engage”
  and “make it so number 1”