Ever have one of those days where you step out of the house and realize your Shirt/tunic isn’t as long as you had thought it was and your sweater isn’t really covering everything you thought it should….
So, now you are wearing what appears to be an oversized t-shirt with leggings that aren’t as dark in bright office lightning as they were at home through half closed eyes and soothing lights….
None of which you should be wearing in the first place because your too fat?
Unless (in my head at least) The tunic is so dazzling and just long enough to cover your thighs and the roll of fat around your knees…. and the leggings are not a second skin, or mistaken for tights… and are dark in color…
all of which these leggings apparently now that I have had a cup of coffee are not….
So I sit at my desk… not wanting to walk anywhere… like to the bathroom… so people wont see me… and think I don’t know how unflattering the whole ensemble is … and I start researching surgical options… and then wishing I had the will power to just not eat at all….
This is where good intentioned people try to support me… and tell me to eat smaller portions… small snacks all day… drink a lot of water.. exercise… Do you think that there is anyone left in this world that eats 4 slices of pizza and HONESTLY doesn’t know better?
Of course not
But by all means… please keep dispensing the advice… as obviously I must need it.
while I go on an inner rampage against everything that is wrong with me… and choke back tears… even as I scream in my head that I am too weak, and cry too much….
Yes… keep talking please…
And this walks me through cravings of each of my overcome crutches…. I want to smoke… I want to drink until I don’t care or feel anything…. I want to exhibit some sort of self-destructive behaviour….. I acknowledge the cravings… but never act on them….
This cycle.. The one you just read through (even though I really do look like a stuffed sausage in these tights) is how I deal with fear…
My Fear generally has absolutely nothing to do with the cycle of self deprecating I put myself through…
Today it was my body… but there are other choice topics… My mothering skills can just as easily fall under attack… and the list is endless
Self Loathing comes way more naturally to me than Self Preservation… or Self esteem… Or well…. musical talent …
It’s a rough day to be me.
Oh, Love. I know intimately what you’re talking about here.
At least I have sublimated most of my self destructive tendencies.
But I realized recently that, for all the healing I’ve done, I cannot believe myself worthy of love.
So I choose people who are unavailable. And if ever I find myself with someone who might possibly be available, well, they must be stupid, right? So I push them right out of my life and go on to the next unavailable person.
I’m not even getting started on the surgical remedies to obesity.
I have the papers to start the process for Gastric Bypass, but the whole thing scares the shit out of me, so I’m not sure I’ll ever turn them in.
SO much to be scared of.
I admire you for working through your fears.
Thanks Mindy… Somedays… I swear… Dont worry… that whole Im having a bad day thing had to do with going to get an MRI on my knee because I hurt it running out of bed during a night terror, my next post will be about having a Night Terror in the MRI machine and scaring the SHIT out of the entire imaging office. HA! my life… really