One of the ways I got through my childhood was by constantly fantasizing that one day… someone would come along who would give me all the warmth and nurturing I craved–like magic! This is called a “healing fantasy” and it’s pretty common.

Unfortunately… what helped me cope as a child also set me up to be an emotionally demanding partner (and to be attracted to people who were,… in various ways…emotionally unavailable and completely unequipped to meet those demands).

It has taken me a long time to try to let go of that fantasy… and accept that it’s really up to me to heal these missing pieces… Nobody is going to rescue me from my feelings… Nobody is going to see through my anger and criticalness to my hurt and scared Inner Child. Other people just want me to deal with things like a grown-up, the same I want them to deal with things.

OK, but how do you do that?

One day I decided to just Google, “How to meet your own emotional needs”… I mean, why not?

I found some ways suggested… one of them being journaling… hey if that worked… I’d be immortal… I’ve been writing my way through life all of my life … My mind… for whatever reason … is very prone to fantasy and magical thinking as a coping mechanism.

For most of my life… my primary means of motivating myself was to project myself into a better future in my mind… and use the feelings of that dream as leverage to propel myself forward. I would throw a hook into that dream and pull myself toward it like I was climbing a mountain.

But eventually… after enough of these fantasies crumbled to dust or disillusionment… I realized… Because I had to focused so hard on just getting to the future… I hadn’t paid any attention to creating a better present…. While I had developed resilience in the process of climbing so many mountains… I always thought I was headed somewhere amazing… when I was really just stuck in a repetitive cycle.

And that’s when I finally realized that all futures are created out of the present… Anything you are doing right now is practice for how your future will look.

it’s literally how the brain works.
Every action you take,…every thought you think…… the only time and place that change happens is right here and right now.

Without the borrowed energy of a fantasy … I had to face my utter exhaustion. I didn’t know how to make my present-day life nourishing and enjoyable…. And I had a backlog of healing that I had put off until the magical future arrived…One of my favorite phrases is “I am waiting to be discovered!!” I need to rebuild and I’m doing that work.

But in finally giving up the idea that I would be happy and healed by-and-by when such-and-such happened…I was able to reach a level of integrity I could be proud of… and because I’m more present… I started paying attention to my current surroundings… and made choices for what I wanted those to be… who I would have in my day… or present situation…. Based on where they were in theirs… without the yesterdays or one days. I don’t have this skill down well… and I am constantly trying to move things around to how “They should be” to meet my fantasy of healing…. But I am making progress… progress… not perfection.

I get frustrated when people aren’t playing their character the way I fantasized… this is reflection of me and my self awareness (or lack of) not theirs…. And I am very critical… mistakenly of them… when in truth it is me.

So when I invite you into my day… or choose to spend my life along side you for any amount of time… even if I am so critical (again mistakenly) please know it is because I think you are amazing… right now… not based on what you have… what you’ve done… what you could do.

some days I’m really good and expressing that… other days not… especially when there is any change in my life… so most of the time lately.
I love myself though… flaws and all…

And I love you… exactly the same way

I apologize for not standing in my truth… but this is the truth… and I’m working on it.

and I can’t speak… and you can’t listen… because we are all running these side healing fantasies… of if I say this/this will happen… or what I am saying is so important/you will hear it and be amazed…

so I wrote it down

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? The dust has settled on this blog… the entries sparse and scattered like forgotten fairy dust. Life… it swept in with its whirlwind of changes. Kids grew… demanding less of my words and more of my time (a fair trade, I suppose). My health took an unexpected turn, making even the simplest tasks… like holding a pen or typing a sentence… feel Herculean.

But something magical happened amidst the chaos. Ten years ago… I started a little street art project… as you know. What began as a whimsical idea blossomed into an annual tradition – Fairy City. Each year, I’d create and install themed art… transforming the space into a haven for fairies… and for those who believed.

This coming year marks a milestone – a decade of Fairy City. It’s also a bittersweet ending. My final year of themed installations. My body simply can’t keep up with the demands of large-scale creation anymore.

Yet, as I prepare for this final hurrah, a familiar desire to write is coming back up to surface. A need for the connection that blossoms when thoughts and stories are shared.

Perhaps this decade-long journey with Fairy City has been more than just about art. Personally, I think it is what I did with all of these thoughts… energies…. emotions that I have in abundance

My children are older now… their worlds expanding beyond the reach of my words. But maybe there’s a different kind of story waiting to be told. A story of resilience… of finding magic in unexpected corners… of embracing change while cherishing the past.

This blog has been a silent observer, maybe it might just become a companion once more. A space to chronicle the next chapter, to explore the lessons learned amidst fairies and health struggles, and to rediscover the joy of writing, one word at a time.

Who knows, maybe the fairies will whisper inspiration in my ear. After all, they’ve always been quite good at reminding me of the magic that resides within us all.

Until then? Smiffbib guys!

I’m just not- I’m not trying to be ominous… I’m trying to save these photos for when I can talk about them… which is not today… I also wanna talk about turning 50… but not today … today I just want to get these photos off my phone until I can write about it and process it… so that I dont stare at them any longer… okay … thanks… I love you… bubye

Today You turn 33 years old. It’s been another year – time moving on as though it doesn’t know that there is so much we want to get done before …. well before whatever time we said we would do it before!

This year… in this birthday letter…. this weird ass tradition that I don’t even remember how it got started… I would like to tell you what I have learned from watching you… I have always said it is my children who raised me… you definitely taught me some of the most important life lessons and shaped so much of who I am today.

With its ups and downs and fast pace Life can be distracting. The most important thing you can do is to take time to consider what you’re truly about. I’m not talking about what you own, or who you know.

I’m talking about; strip away labels and the watch you wear all those images you may hold of what ‘making it’ & being big is all about- take away your family & friends (they enrich your life, they don’t define you) and really think, when it comes down to bare bones; what are you about? Are you a kind person? Are you giving? Do you make people feel good about themselves? Are you a happy person? Are you happy with your life and what you do? As human beings we aren’t perfect, so what can you do to improve your shortcomings? What are you truly passionate about? What kind of things make you unhappy and how are you going to try and distance yourself from it? Who are you?

The answers to the above may take a lifetime to discover (that’s the beauty of life), but today on your birthday, I give thanks. I am grateful for being content in who I am and what I am contributing to the world. This sense of purpose drives me.

I believe that you should find Spirit in others- in people’s kindness… in the beauty of ordinary life.

Thank you for being the one to teach me that… it is who I am… my truth… and it is a reflection of you.

Here’s a list of EXACTLY what I learned from watching you (incase you forget that you are light):

•  Be kind
•  Be grateful. Never take anything for granted- no one owes you anything
•  Don’t allow material things to give you value. Create that within yourself
•  Find true confidence in knowing who you are- care what people think but don’t let their opinion fundamentally change how you see yourself
•  Create happiness- it’s an ongoing act, not a destination
•  Give positive energy wherever you go- you’ll get the same thing back
•  Respect yourself- never compromise the core of you for anyone
•  Time is valuable- if you’re unhappy, make a change and do it quickly
•  Nourish your soul & invest in yourself

All my love. All my respect. All my gratitude. Happy Birthday Angel, I am SO proud of you,

Mom.